Their story

Their story

Introduction

My association with the German language dates back to the year 1994-95, when I was still in school. I was interested in languages and social sciences while at school and wanted to do something by taking up Social sciences. In those days, taking up Arts was not considered as an indicator of being intelligent and studious because it was believed that the people, who do not get admission in any other stream, take up Arts. There were only 2 main streams, which were considered to be good. Science and Commerce were the two streams which had some dignity and Arts was always looked down up. I had made up my mind that I will not take Science and become a doctor or an engineer; I found it extremely dull and boring. I had no interest in maths, accounts, finance, management and calculations as well. And as I loved languages and social sciences, I took up Arts after SSC. In the meanwhile, my mom's friend had told her about her niece who had taken up German language just as a hobby and now was establishing herself quite well in that field. My mom asked me if I would be interested too as she felt that only Arts would not take me anywhere and a foreign language would be an added advantage. How true she was! She was able to foresee something 10 yrs ahead. I took admission in Arts College and also took up German language after meeting that girl who had a career in German language.

Thrice a week after college, I went to the language classes and I will not be ashamed to say that it turned out to be a very difficult task for me to cope up with the new language and the environment in the first 6 months. I did not understand the logical flow of the language at the beginning and was quite lost in new vocabulary, new sentence structures and the various activities involved in the class. I was beginning to lose hope and interest and thought that I will not be able to continue with it for long. But our madam, Ms. Tilwankar boosted my morale so much that I rose to a level at which I was myself amazed at. Mr. Bapat, a guest lecturer also helped me a lot and I owe my success to these two people who did not write me off and helped me improve my language and also the confidence to speak and communicate.

5 years in college flew like they usually do and there I was already in the last year, where I had to decide if I want to do Post-graduation in Sociology which was my major subject in the last year or take up German, a totally different and unusual subject for MA. I decided to take up German as it was not very common those days and I had developed a great interest in the language, culture and wanted to know more about the literature, history and other subjects of Germany. That decision was backed by my parents’ whole heartedly and I enrolled for MA German in the Mumbai University.

I met my buddies, Vrishali, Swapna and Shruti at MA and had a memorable time of 2 years with likes of Ms. Surana, Ms. Annakutty Findeis, Ms. Meher Bhoot and Ms. Madhuri Bajpai. These ladies were great human beings and very committed and they literally ate, slept, thought German. I wish I could be at least 1 percent like them, but then God had made some other plans for me and I was not destined to remain in literature studies and be teachers and lecturers like them. Fortunately, I also got a chance to teach German in the university and I loved every minute and every moment in the class. The payment was far than too less, but I never felt sorry. That experience of being able to command a class of 60-70 students changed me completely. I became confident, outgoing and talkative. I was no more shy or afraid of talking in public. My appearance was no longer a matter of concern for me as I knew by now, appearance is not everything, what you achieve and believe is most important to make you a good human being.

While I was in the second year of my post-graduation, Ms. Dinter, who had come from Germany as a guest lecturer had introduced an exchange programme in the university and the person who topped in MA was able to go to German university and do a course there. I was the lucky one that year and in October 2002, along with 2 other girls from the English department in the Mumbai University, I went to Magdeburg, a city in the eastern part of Germany. And thanks to Jayashree and Renuka that I met some wonderful friends in Germany and my learning and understanding Germans and their culture got a boost. We spent lot of time with those friends, but that was more on the fun side. We all were students at that time. The thing called "life" was yet to hit us and so we were all in a relaxed, yet ready to learn mode. After I came back to India, I tried to keep in touch with them on and off on mail. But then somehow it was not very common to mail so often some 7-8 yrs ago or should I say Germans were lazy in keeping in touch on mail. There was some gap in between but then somehow we were supposed to meet again.

In the year 2010, I was able to come back to Germany. Thanks to my husband Atul, who asked me to come over as he was on a deputation for 3 months in Germany. I got in touch with my German friends before coming here, I told them that I would like to meet them again; I personally met most of them, stayed with them, got to know them better, and got to know their problems, their worries better. I am going to narrate a few of the experiences here, which are more or less of the same nature and they would have happened with anyone of us in India, but their way of looking at things and accepting and reacting to issues and matters is very different, which can be actually a point of cultural studies. It has lot to do with the difference in our and their upbringing, life style. I would like to cite a few stories here without taking sides of Indian or German way of behaviour. It is just my perception and observation, which I am noting here.

We often think that only we are loaded with problems and the grass is always greener on the other side. But as we all are human beings, different things do happen to all of us. We come across pain, hurt, anger, sadness, happiness, hope, strength and so many other types of “winds” who keep us going, make us, break us, isn’t it? It just depends on how we welcome these “winds” in our life and how much importance do we give to them. So here is the first story and the first characters of the story.


Michael and Sina

I met them first in Magdeburg when they had come to meet Jayu and Renu during our stay. Michael was in India on an exchange programme just like us a year before and he had known Jayu and Renu since then. So, now that Jayu and Renu were in Germany, they came to meet us. They bought lots of winter wear for us. They hadn’t met me or seen me earlier, but just because I was with Jayu them, they were very friendly to me as well. They were happy to know that I can speak German and they thought that I spoke excellent German. I was happy to know it. Being in Germany and talking in German was the best practise which I could ever get. By then, I had also decided that I would take up German as my career and this German trip gave me a chance to improve my skills and boost my morale.

Michael and Sina were newly married and they seemed so much in love. Michael was always after her, trying to please her and make her laugh or smile. Sina was a very independent woman and very ambitious. She wanted to excel in whatever she did. She told us that her parents were not happy that she married Michael as Michael was not well established and was not rich enough to take care of her; this was what her parents thought. But she said that she loved Michael above everything else and that was important and so got married to him and moved to Hamburg with Michael. Her parents and his mom stayed in Magdeburg, so they made frequent trips to Magdeburg. They either stayed at her parent’s house or his mom’s house, but they were close to their parents is what I could understand.

Michael and Sina often took us around when they were in Magdeburg and they even invited us to Hamburg. We were more than happy to go there for a week and we did crazy things and enjoyed every moment of our stay there.

We cooked Indian food for them and we all sat on the floor and ate with our hands that day as Sina thought that the theme being Indian should be carried out till the end. So, as we Indians usually sit on the floor and have dinner, all of us and some of their German friends also sat down and had our dinner. They tried their best to eat rice and roti by hand and they succeeded to a great extent. We watched Hindi movies with Michael and Sina with English sub-titles. We went to the Christmas market; we went for shopping, for fairs, for exhibitions. They even took us to the Reeper Bahn in Hamburg which is a famous red-light area. They knew of our Indian sensibility and Michael was all the time asking us not to look around and feel uncomfortable as there were sex shops all over the place and he thought it would be a bit odd for us to see all which is a tabooed thing in India so freely here. I knew about the open culture here, so I will not say that I was shocked, but I was surprised for sure. We then went to an Irish pub, which had live music and we danced there like crazy with our Indian steps and had a ball of time. They also took us to see snow in the Harz Mountain and also for seeing a German play directed by Michael's father. I cannot thank them enough for showing us so many things in Hamburg and also making us smile and laugh by funny incidents and stories. Michael also learnt some Hindi words and he often mixed “chalo chalein” with “jalo jalein”.

We wished that 1 week should extend for some more days, but then we had to come back to Magdeburg. I saw them again before I left for India and then we somehow lost touch. It was only 2 yrs back that I met them on Facebook again and got their e-mail ids and wrote to them. They were happy to get in touch with me again and when I told them about my trip to Germany and my wish to meet them, they were more than happy and we again met in Magdeburg after 7 yrs.

But this time, they both looked so different. They were no longer together as husband-wife and they seemed more like friends to me. It was a bit odd for me to see them like this as I had seen them together in Hamburg and they looked like a prince and princess forever in love. But nothing is permanent I guess, not even love or? We met for 2 hrs and spoke about different things and events and people and I wanted to ask them badly, what was wrong, what was missing, but as Atul was around, I couldn’t ask them. Only after I spoke to Michael later I knew the reason behind a maintained distance between them.

Michael narrated that while they were still married, Sina had to go to Vienna for an internship and there she met somebody and fell in love with him. She even got pregnant with that person’s child and later she gave birth to a baby boy. She realized her mistake and left that man and wanted to come back to Michael. Michael felt cheated and it was not possible for him to rise above his shadow, is what he said. I think he meant here that he could not forgive her and take her and her child back in his life. I do not know if any other person would have done that either, but then this was the reason why their divorce came through. Now Sina stays with her 5 year old child and no partner and Michael stays with his new partner in Hamburg. They have an understanding now that they will meet regularly whenever in Magdeburg and will be good friends with each other, they will be for each other in difficult times for help and support. So they came together to meet me as usually friends would do.

When I got to know this, I tried to compare it with the Indian setting. The German episode was much simpler and bland. Michael and Sina left each other and are still meeting each other whenever possible. Cut to the same story in India, in a middle class family, how much emotional turmoil, tensions, bouts of anger, depression, blame games etc. would come into picture. It is very natural as we attach a lot of value to relationships between a husband and a wife and it is considered to be the most sacred and infidelity is a heinous act and it does not have any forgiveness, at least in my eyes. Any average Indian would agree to it, I suppose. However, the definitions of character, fidelity are rapidly changing in a metro city. For me, it would still remain the same and I could understand why Michael backed out and opted for a divorce. But, their understanding that they would meet up regularly whenever possible and be good friends with each other is something difficult to imagine in a typical Indian scenario. With such an ease and smiling face, facing one’s ex-wife or ex-husband is not very comfortable thing at least in a middle class Indian family, I appreciate Michael for this and I am sure he has forgiven Sina. Sina might have also repented on her mistake, but it was too late by then. She lost Michael, who loved her dearly and for whom her happiness was next to God.

Would some Manohar Lele or Gandhi or Kamble forgive his wife Kusum Manohar Lele/Gandhi/Kamble for cheating on him and then be “good” friends with her later, meet up with her kid and be good to him as well? I think, you know the answer already 

Susanne Meier

I met Susanne at one lecture in the university initially.

She seemed very friendly and helpful and she helped me to locate another lecture and also helped me to get a special tram pass for students of the university. She was very active with the university group for students and they especially helped new and foreign students like us to get into different courses and help them in getting stabilised at the university. She also helped me to get around the city and move in trams and also told me what all is there at the campus. She was a quiet girl, didn't talk much or rather was not noticed by other Germans. I found her very approachable and soon became friends with her. We attended one lecture together and one day while waiting for the lecturer, I offered her my orange, which I was eating. She was so happy that she thanked me again and again. Generally Germans do not offer their food is what I observed in the class or in the mensa (canteen). And we Indians have the habit of asking everyone around and offering our food. So, I offered it to her in my usual way as I would have done in India too. She took that as a nice gesture and then became my pal in the university.

She invited me to her house and showed me her Indian movie collection, made me tea and gave me cake to eat. Her parents also know me by name very well by now. We also promised each other that we would keep in touch with each other and then did that for a few years, but again lost touch as she would not reply to me in time or when expected and I thought that she is not interested to keep in touch. But then again, somehow, we again started mailing each other regularly after I sent her my wedding snaps. She was surprised as I had not announced it to her earlier and I directly sent her the snaps. She was happy to see them and from then onwards, we mailed each other regularly.

I visited her this time in a small town called Bad Laasphe, which is a very cosy, little, sleepy town. She taught in the school there and she had a nice big flat near the school. She was very happy with her life as she was quite settled in the school, had nice colleagues in school. She taught Philosophy and English to Class 5, 6, 9, 12. She had a nice, huge study room and had a huge collection of books, music etc. She was meticulous in her work and had kept her house very clean and tidy and also prepared her lessons which she would take in the school the next day. She took me around the small town that evening when I arrived there. We couldn't see much as it was snowing and the shops were all closed at 6 pm. She showed me the school in which she was going to take me the following morning.

She had once written to me some 6 months back that she lost her boyfriend in an accident, with whom she was planning to get married and settle down. I did not know what to write back to her. I couldn't console her on mail; I did not if my words would have stopped the tears which were flowing down her cheeks. I was fearful to broach the topic again as I knew it would again take her back to those painful memories and disturb her. But somehow, she herself broached the topic. And explained to me what exactly had happened and how it was not his fault, someone else came from the wrong side and hit the motorcycle, which her boyfriend was riding. Generally accidents of this kind are not life fearing, people do survive the injuries, but in this case and their bad luck, both of them died on the spot. She was at least happy that they both had talked for an hour in the morning and she could speak to him in his last few moments. They were supposed to meet in the evening which did not happen. She worked in another town and he also was away for work in some other place. They both met up in Magdeburg, when they came over for the weekend. But this time it turned out to be a meeting of different type. His mother called up in the afternoon to tell her that he is dead and her whole world collapsed. She was in shock and trauma, but had to attend his funeral. She grieved in her heart and could never forget him.

She later got an opportunity to teach in a state school in Bad Laasphe and so she moved her. She made a fresh and new beginning. But as we all know, memories of the person we love travel with us everywhere and anywhere we go. She was no different. She showed me all their happy times clicked away in photographs and I felt very bad for her. Why did it happen to her? She found him so late and by such a difficulty and then he was gone in a second. It is difficult to get someone who is really your types, she said, which is so very true. But now she was all alone in this new town and was trying to be brave and live a life without him. But one thing which also touched me that she was hopeful of finding someone again in life. She also wanted to get married and get kids like other Germans and this was very brave of her, I think. She truly believed that life has to move on and that one has to go ahead and not get bogged down with whatever happened in the past.

She also told me about a few very personal things, which otherwise a German wouldn’t have disclosed to anyone. She was upset with her boyfriend’s mother because he was buried next to his father and generally it is the custom that the husband and wife rest in peace together after their respective deaths. But his mother was not ready to buy her dead son other piece of land even in his last journey and Susanne could not understand why she did that. She also added that the money which she got as death insurance was given to his brother, whose bike was damaged in the accident and on which her boyfriend had lost his life. She was also sad to know this as she felt that his mother was again being partial to this son of hers. Susanne had requested to be in the flat where he used to stay for just one night after his death, one last time, to gather herself and the time she spent with him. But then again his mother refused and told her that she is crazy to do that and that she should refrain from doing it and move on. His mother would have thought something when she said no, but then there was a communication gap between them, as it always happens with 2 generations, who are very different from each other. So, Susanne is just keeping mum and she said that she would never forgive his mother for not giving him a place of his own to rest even after his death.

How much importance is given to a person after his death was a debatable point here. But then the mother and Susanne were right in their own standpoint, I suppose! Susanne still calls his mom and brother, just for the sake of it. She doesn't think that his mother understood her well and would have accepted her well even if they had got married.

I prayed for her and wished that she really get someone who would be with her all her life and love her with all his heart. She is a very kind and good human being and she does not deserve anyone less.

I just switched back to the Indian scene. Again, the same emotions were visible to me. I am not sure how an average middle class girl would have dealt with the sudden death of her boy-friend or someone whom she was going to marry. She would have collapsed completely and would have taken a longer time to come out of it, I suppose. Would she have kept contact with his parents? How would have her parents and the society treated her after his death? Would she have become independent so fast and with such ease? In Indian society, we attach more importance to others and society than to ourselves. Women are always taught to adjust in any conditions and consider the male partner (her husband) as next to god. If he is no longer there, then it becomes difficult to sustain in this world as there is so much of emotional and economic dependency on him. I would again like to add here that the times are changing and women are independent enough to give their life a direction when their partner is no more.

I am sure that God has planned something good for Susanne and she will surely be happy soon. So, I bid her farewell after attending a Class 5 lecture of hers and wished that next time I meet her; she should have happy tales to tell me about her life.

Doreen Kabsch

I met this lady when I joined my current organization. I was working as language translator in my first ever project in the new organization and she was the first onshore lady to come to Indian offshore team and as I was proficient in German, we got along with each other very well. She spoke very fast and was always very enthusiastic and on her toes all the time. She was extremely hard working and efficient and energetic. She came to the office at 8:30 am sharp and was there till late evening. The first time she came to India made her lose her patience as we all know the great difference between India and Germany in almost all respects. She took some 2 months to get used to the Indian pace of working and then she was almost Indianized after a few months.

She loved Gobi Manchurian and fried rice and ate very spicy food. She travelled all over India alone and was not complaining about the dirt and pollution and over-crowding anymore. She explained things to her Indian colleagues a thousand times without getting irritated; she was always fresh and smiling, no matter what the day of the week was. She was always eager to learn about India and she loved Indian weddings. I remember going with her shopping for a sari, which we bought in half an hour and another hour to buy her accessories. She attended the wedding of an Indian colleague very enthusiastically and was all the time snapping pictures and asking the meaning of rituals which were taking place. She was surprised to see that 1000 people came in for the wedding and everything was taking place so smoothly. It was difficult for her to understand that how can so many people just walk in without prior notification or confirmation. I tried to explain her that it is the way Indian weddings usually take place unlike the German weddings, where you need to confirm, if you are coming, as it is all planned in advance and involves lot of cost etc. Not that the Indian weddings are not planned or are less costly, but we just somehow manage and survive in the chaos, isn't it?

Doreen was always ready for challenges and different fun games and activities which took place in the team. She was ready for going to outings, picnics and enjoyed every moment of the time she spent in the team. She had called us for her birthday party and what planning she had done for it, truly commendable. So many eatables, drinks and games and different arrangements, only she could have managed. We all loved it and very pleasantly surprised to know that such stuff can be also procured in Bangalore. I invited her for dinner before she left for Germany and she was more than happy to oblige. I gifted her a home-made candle and she proudly kept it on her table all the time she was in India.

But when she came back after a year, I found her very low and disinterested and sad. I got to know that her partner of 15 yrs suddenly broke up with her. It was difficult for her to come to terms with it and accept it. India trip came in handy and she tried her best to forget the time she spent with her partner. Is it so easy to just forget such a long span together? No, it is not easy and it showed in her behaviour everyday. She was trying hard to smile, but the pain in her heart was clear in her eyes. She maintained a distance from everyone so that no one came closer to her and would see the tears in her eyes. This was a short trip of hers and she went back soon. I was in touch with her all the while and after a few months she was happy to tell me that she was seeing someone again and has found someone. But this time he was 5 years younger to her. I told her as long as you both are happy with each other, age shouldn't matter. It was so easy for me to say this to her and she also seemed quite happy about it until I met her day before yesterday.

She was going to Manila on a vacation with her boyfriend and told me that it is the beginning of the end. Oh, there she goes again, I thought. What is wrong with her now? Things seemed fine and now she is saying that she has to begin the search again? She was very independent woman and getting tied down to family and husband was a bit difficult for her and she feared to commit, but she loved babies and was the god-mother of all her friends babies. She told me ruefully looking at the pictures of all her friends and their families which were on the walls of her flat that, “look all my friends already have families and husbands and kids and I am yet to get married.” She was trying to be brave in saying this and I knew that somewhere deep inside she was sad and lonely and wanted to be in a family with her husband. But then I was not able to understand what exactly was stopping her from doing so and why was she not able to commit a long term relationship with her current partner. She might have her own reasons of independence and compatibility etc., but still it was a high time that she gave a thought to what she really wanted and where she wants to stop and relax and settle down.

Isn’t Doreen also a depiction of modern urbane woman in metro cities of India today? Even they are running the rat race to reach somewhere up the ladder, earning loads of money only to want more money, forgetting the direction in which they are actually going and giving the roles of being a wife and a mother a backseat? Every person has a right to decide what she/he really wants in life and where she/he wants to head, but in that pursuit one should not lose the basic core of his/her existence. God has made woman so tender and soft and loving that virtues like caring, sharing, being emotional about things and people come to her naturally. Why should she hide it and try to be like a macho man and continue running after money and forget the very essence of her femininity? I do not say that kitchen, home and kids should be her only domain, but they should not be given a back seat at any cost is what I sincerely feel.

I just wished Doreen that she gets the love of her life and gets settled with the person whom she would like to be with all her life.

What are woman really made of? I am sure God also has now forgotten why and how he made them.

Do let me know which of these real-life people got really close to you and touched you in their own way?


Thank you for your time and patience.