Attitude maketh man

“He is finally leaving and I am so glad about it” exclaimed my dear friend Anita, at the breakfast table today.


Anita is a very close friend and also a former colleague of mine. We sit in the same office building, but different floors. We have breakfast, lunch and evening tea together. We have bonded well over the years and we share our worries and tensions and also all the happy moments in our lives. So, I got curious at her remark and asked her to whom was she referring and with whose departure, she was so happy!

I am talking about my father-in-law Sheetal, Anita said.

I was surprised to see Anita talk like this. She is a very homely person and she loves having people around and talking to them and why was she suddenly wanting to get rid of good old man, I wondered.

Anita: Don’t ask Sheetal. Past week was hell for me in my own house. That person is no good to anyone. He was sitting like a loner with a cracked face all the time during the Ganesha celebrations. He won’t speak with us or talk to us. We were acting as there was some stranger in the house.

Me: Just like that? Out of the blue, he wasn’t talking to you all in the house?

Anita: Yeah, just like that. He and his fancy mood swings. He didn’t utter a word about anything that was bothering him (if at all??!!). How are we supposed to know what is bothering him or troubling him? Shouldn’t he open his mouth to at least tell us if something is bothering him? Is he in some jungle or some unknown place where he can’t share his feelings?

Me: Calm down, Anita. He must be a shy person and thinking of not bothering you with small things.

Anita: Sheetal, you tell me how does it feel in a house with 4 people, where one person is sitting with a cringed and fallen face, he won’t see you in the eye, he won’t talk, won’t eat food, which you have prepared for him. How will you feel in your own house? I was feeling so suffocated with his whimsical behavior of his. I thought of running away from my own house, where I love spending time and being there.

Me: Yes, I understand. Didn’t your husband or mother-in-law talk to him or ask him, what he is up to?

Anita: My mother-in-law has spent her entire life with this man and I really salute her for this. I do not know how she stayed with him all these years. She knows all his so-called “tamashas” and keeps mum and does her own thing. She has accepted now, that he is like that only. It requires a lot of guts to carry on like this with a person with whom we almost share nothing. Definitively, she has tried to persuade him to lead a good, enriching and fulfilling life. He could do some social service or teach students or talk to the senior citizens of his age during morning or evening walks. But no, everybody in the world except him is wrong and bad. So, I think, she has now given up on him as one can’t do much if the other party is not interested. He taught all his life in a school and I wonder was this he learned his life and taught his students? How to create problems out of nothing?

Me: What are you saying? He was a teacher and still this immaturity?

Anita: Yes, see, he was the youngest amongst his siblings and I think he never grew up. He still thinks elders should treat him like a child and all younger people should give him the due respect.

Me: How can he expect that? He can’t command respect like this. He has to earn it and be worthy of it.

Anita: Exactly, these are my very words. Not once did he utter a word about our newly furnished house. Not once did he ask me about my health or asked me about how I manage to deck up the house alone in my husband’s absence? Would you think of inviting him next time to see his sullen face?

Me: Really? He didn’t say anything about your new house?

Anita: Yeah, not a single word of appreciation or support! He has a wonderful wife, 2 dutiful sons, to whom he could never get close due to this strange behavior of his and leave me. I am not even close to becoming his daughter and can never be his daughter. After all in-laws can never be parents. It is only for the heck of saying it at the time of wedding that we are not taking home a daughter-in-law, but a daughter.

Me: yeah, I agree Anita. This relationship is such that it is a little complicated. You can never really get close to your in-laws like your parents. Even if you become a mother-in-law to someone in future, it would be the same, I think!

Anita: No way, I would take care not to repeat the mistakes which my in-laws have done and I will see to it that whenever we all are together, I won’t spoil their happiness on their big days or during festivities. And I really hope that we don’t cross each other’s paths and spoil each other’s happiness in future again!

Me: This is a bit too much Anita. Time will lessen your anger and pain. Looks like you have closed all the doors on him.

Me: Yeah, I have. Is there any use of hoping something from him after 60 years of his stubborn behavior? Expecting a change in him is itself wrong on my part!

We closed the conversation on not so healthy note.

Her anguish, sadness and negativity towards her father-in-law made me ponder.

What goes into such people’s head? What is wrong with her father-in-law? Why had he come all the way here and spoiled the atmosphere at their new house when there were festivities around? I couldn’t imagine Anita wanting to get out of her own house because of his negative attitude. I have known Anita and she is extremely sensitive person. For her to say all this, she must really have suffered a lot in the past few days. She couldn’t tell her husband and mother-in-law as they just advised her to ignore him by laughing it off. It was common for them to see him sad like this, but for her it was unbearable.

I just came to one conclusion by thinking about her father-in-law. He doesn’t have it in his destiny to enjoy good things. He is destined to be a loner; he has some things from his past birth to settle in his birth perhaps. Why would he have to stay alone in his house, which he built for his sons and which his sons hardly like. He built it according to his own wish, without consulting his wife or sons. Now he has to sit and guard his house, all alone.

I very much believe that even for enjoying good things, you have to have that correct and positive attitude in life or else even the biggest happiness in life doesn’t mean anything to you..

I felt happy for Anita that now at least she would be in peace with herself and hope that her father-in-law also finds peace sometime in his life!

To be or not to be

When Shakespeare wrote this quotation in his famous play, Hamlet, he wouldn’t have imagined that time and again this historic quotation of his would be repeated by one and all in many occasions at many times. Yet again, I take the help of that famous quotation to depict my state of mind in the recent 2-3 days.

Every year around this time of the month, the atmosphere in office is usually filled with lot of anticipations, anxieties, bouts of nervousness and sometimes happiness too. This is that time when the annual appraisal takes place and we get to know the ratings based on our performance during the year. My company follows the September to August cycle unlike many other MNCs. So, towards the end of August, there is lot of discussion which happens in almost every bay and people are patiently waiting for their turns when the manager calls upon them and tells them the rating, which the senior management has evaluated in their own way against so many parameters. The rating is generally fixed much earlier, only that it is communicated to us now.

I also took turn to know the rating and yes, I was also promoted to the next level…

I had so many ideas in my head about the rating and the promotion. I was jumping in joy (all in mind, office requires certain etiquettes, doesn’t it) at the very thought of promotion. I have seen people, who had less experience and knowledge than me climb the ladders of success in office, reasons, whatever. I was expecting a promotion due to my performance and other initiatives and being flexible and open to all the critical deadlines. At least, I thought so…

After waiting impatiently for 2 days, my manager finally called me and told me my rating first and there went my bubbled balloon. Burst!!!! I was compared with other Developers inspite of being a translator and even my manager knew that it is not fair. But company policies are such that one has to follow them, no matter whether they really make sense or are good for the employees. I was also told by my manager that I am a better performer than what my rating denotes and that he was very happy with my current trend of performance. He added a few improvement areas that I need to be visible and outspoken in my work. I had thought all this while that my work will speak for itself and that I need not shout it aloud to others sounding as if only I am working in this whole universe. I need to let other people know, it seems, that I am working so much per day and giving so and so output and that I am very much a part of this thing and that thing too, other than just putting 9 hrs into work.

I found this very funny. For people like me, who believe that we come to office for putting sincere efforts in our work and not to while time and that being serious and sincere in work life takes us a long way, this was a great blow. I ought to be visible to my seniors in what way? Dabble with everything and everyone in the project and let them know that look, I am here too and I need attention too. Please give me attention and your time as I am very special human being on this earth.

No, I do no think I can ever do that. I can never act like my senior who does everything else, but work. She is into client meetings, with high profile management people, who hardly know her to the core, who is utter clumsy and forgetful in her work, who needs help of someone else in every thing she does. But, yes, she is undoubtedly the attention seeking queen, who creates a very good impression on one and everybody she meets with her sweet and sugary talks. Sometimes, I feel that I ought to learn something from people like her and then even I would be in the limelight for wrong reasons.

But! There is something called “inner voice”, isn’t it? My conscience doesn’t permit me this, nor my values and upbringing and that is the reason perhaps that I am far far behind my peers, who have been aggressive and have become managers in a short span of time. But I am happy with whatever I am today, at least at the end of the day, I come back home satisfied with whatever work I do. I can have a good night sleep without any nightmares of something which I messed up.

And I almost forget in all this rating thing that my manager had also told me that I have promoted and have moved to the next level?

But I did not jump in joy on hearing that. I could not feel any sense of exhilaration in me. I couldn’t feel myself floating like a cloud in the skies. My mood was already off by listening that even I have the usual rating which 80 % of the public might have got. All my close friends congratulated me. For them getting promoted was far more important than getting a decent rating. That is the usual way to look at it and because they loved me and wanted to cheer me up; they said all these things, isn't it?

I did not know whether to be happy because I got promoted or feel bad about the fact that all the things which I did all this year were not good enough to get a better rating and that I need to put in more efforts. What more can a translator actually does when he/she is not even mapped to a common umbrella called capability, where we would be rated against other translators and not developers or testers.

So the question still haunts me,

to be happy or not to be..

to be satisfied with whatever I got or strive for more which I am not sure if I will get inspite of good work..

to be thankful to God for whatever he gave me or complain to him that he is not always fair to me in many aspects…

to enjoy the promotion and count my blessings and the good wishes of all those who love me or fret and fume and spoil the joy of getting promoted..

So, I chose to adopt the first option. I pat my back for getting promoted, treated myself with Café Frappe in CCD. Moving one level up is also one achievement of it’s kind and in a span of less than 3 yrs at work, it is a very good going! One should learn to accept whatever comes their way and take it into his/her stride.

I am going to celebrate this happy moment in my life by going out for dinner with my hubby and a bunch of close friends.

Wanna join?

The Quest

They were just like parents to me.

My neighbours, the Nayak family..

Headed by Mr. Radhakrishna with his sweet, demure and coy wife, Yamini and their three sons, eldest being Ram, whom we fondly called dada, the second, Radhey and the youngest and the naughtiest, Varun.

They were my next door neighbours and I literally grew up with them and in front of their eyes. I will address them as kaka, kaku here. Kaka worked as an engineer in L & T and he was very sincere, intelligent and dedicated to his work and so in no time, he rose to a good position and people regarded him for what he was. He was originally from Karakal, a place in Karnataka and had a very big family, which constituted of 9 sisters and 1 brother and his parents. He took care of his family in the village too. He sent money every month as a help to his aged parents. All his sisters were married and the youngest brother was bachelor and he chose not to marry his entire life. So, he took care of his parents and also managed the day-to-day affairs in the village, while kaka was in the city working and managing his family.

Kaku had got married at an early age to kaka, she was barely 19. And their love story began soon after marriage as it happens in most of the arranged marriages. It seems her father was very fond of kaka from the beginning. Being a small village, people knew each other very well and were always in the search of a good family to marry off their daughters so that the daughters go in good families and also stay in front of their eyes. So, kaku tells me that she saw kaka only on the day of the wedding and she was very happy and had no complaints once their married life began.

They came to this city, where they settled in a chawl having 2 rooms and where the toilets were outside that time. Then as the family grew, kaka also started searching for a bigger place and that was the time when my grandfather had just built this building where we are currently put up and after keeping one flat for us, had given the others for ownership. Thus it happened that Nayaks and my family ended up sharing the same floor. We had one common wall, which brought our kitchen and their hall in close proximity. Not only the physical proximity, but the proximity of hearts was also to follow in the times to come and I never knew then that relations built with heart and love could be more powerful and ever-lasting than the blood ties.

Varun and I were of the same age, but I was great friends with his elder brother, Radhey, who was mischievous, but very helpful and daring and ever ready to play and explore different things. He was not very bright in studies, but managed somehow to get average marks and get to the next class. Ram Dada was very bright and he had high aspirations and was always busy in studies. Also that he was elder to us, he never mixed so much with us. Ours was a group, me, Varun, Radhey and Deepali who was staying in the house opposite to mine. Radhey was our leader and we did craziest things on earth and had a wonderful and joyful time then. Now when I think of it, I smile to myself and feel nostalgic about it. Wish I could capture those precious moments in a video camera and watch it all over when I missed my buddies. But then in absence of video camera, I have created memories in my head and that gives me a more vivid picture of the good times we spent together.

We played all the outdoor games like hide-and-seek, kabbadi, badminton, cricket and also indoor games like cards, housie etc. We celebrated all the festivals together. Diwali, Holi, Ganpati etc. were celebrated with great pomp and festivity. Radhey used to burst small crackers in his hand and prove that he is brave and is not afraid of anything or anyone. Varun was not so daring and he used to tell Radhey that if he didn’t stop all this daring acts, he would complaint to his mother. Radhey was never bothered of what people think about him and he often got scolded by kaku for not listening to her or for not having done homework or for scoring good marks in the school. He used to be serious for that moment when his mom was talking of studies and then the next moment he was his usual self, cracking jokes and teasing his mom and Varun. He loved his family a lot, though he never expressed it many times. He was the first person whom people in our building called out for help, to switch off the water machine or to open the lids of the bottles or for getting some medicines. He never said no to anyone and was always eager to reach out to people. He loved dressing up and giving different poses in front of the mirror. He was famous in his school and was always eager to do sports and skits and did not have the same inclination towards studies.

Kaku got very tensed thinking that he had no future like his other two brothers, but then that age is such that we hardly bother what is in store for us in the future and we tend to enjoy the days in a very carefree and careless manner. That is why we laugh so much as children and are still in touch with innocence and good nature. Kaka did not pay much attention to Radhey’s studies as he believed that he will get matured with time and age and kaku was already doing more than enough in taking care of the house and his kids.

Results were one thing which Radhey always dreaded. He did not fear anything else in this world, but that day, he would be so quiet and sober that someone would feel that he is not well or something is seriously wrong at their house. After returning from the school with the results, there was a pin-drop silence in their house for sometime and then Kaku used to start talking to Radhey in a fit of rage asking him for an explanation for his poor grades. This was because she did everything possible to help him in his studies. She helped him complete his notes, in case he missed them writing in school. He was mischievous in school too and he often did not pay much attention to what teachers taught. He often missed taking down the notes which were dictated or written on board. Then Kaku went to his friend's place and got his books to complete the stuff taught in school and then also helped him understand it and then complete the homework.

Those hours for Radhey were just unbearable and he used to sit with a long face with his mom and kid brother. I and Deepali often dropped in at their place at our usual hours of playing and then suddenly he used to get changed in a different person, all eager to go out in the open and play. And at that time, he was a very different Radhey, giving his best in the playground.

Days were passing by and we all were growing together, sharing joys and sorrows with each other. And as it usually happens, Deepali and I grew shy and detached from Varun and Radhey. We stopped interacting as before and playing with them and met each other occasionally in the corridor or on a week-end. Deepali moved to a different house and I was left alone without a friend. It is also true that I never found a friend later in my life that was as dear to me as her. Radhey and Varun are also irreplaceable. The bonds which one forms at the tender age are the most deep-rooted, I think. But then we can’t expect life to be same at all time. Time changes everything and everyone. This is the reality, one has to accept and move ahead with whatever one gets, isn’t it?

Radhey was still facing difficulties in studies. Way back in 90’s, I think that awareness of the learning difficulties which a child faced was not common and welcome. The parents and the society were very orthodox and believed that there was no other reason for the child for not studying, other than carelessness and interest only in playing and whiling away time. How I wish, there was someone who would have identified the real problems which Radhey faced at that time. As Ram dada had taken Science and then later Engineering, it was a sure fate for Radhey that he also had to take Science. In those days, there was hardly anything else which the parents and the children themselves thought of doing. Boys had to become engineers or doctors and girls had to take Arts or do some home-science course and get married, as if it was the only purpose of girls taking birth.

Radhey’s SSC results were not very great, but still as the trend and teaching goes, he also opted for Science. He did not get admission in a good college, but in his own school which also had classes till HSC. And there was a new struggle, new fight, new frustrations and new problems awaiting them all, which Radhey and his family were bound to face. He managed to scrap through the 11th class. Science is not doubt difficult for the bright students too and it was all the more difficult for Radhey. He faced a lot of difficulties in coping up with the new syllabus, subjects and teachers. But kaku was always with him, whenever he needed her help and she concentrated on his studies, health.

It is amazing to see a woman with so much of strength, will-power and courage, just for the sake of her children. Kaku never shunned her household responsibilities. She made the tastiest dishes for her children and for me too. She did all the chores herself, took care of the house and her children. She shared a close bond with me. She told me everything about her family, her mom, dad and the difficulties which they faced daily. I also told her everything that happened in my school, with my friends. She knew all my friends who came home and my friends knew who kaku was. It was a very unusual friendship. There was a gap of 28 years between us, but it was as if we were of the same emotional age. We laughed so much with each other, she lived her lost teen-age with me and I had found a friend in her who was elder to me, but very much like me, very emotional and very attached to family. We had common interests, Astrology, past life connections, music, writing, eating, human relationships and people. We spoke different languages, but love has no language. We were very happy with our respective families. How wished that we never moved away from each other and always be there for each other in all walks of life.

But things do not remain static. Change is the inevitable part of life. They say change is the only thing constant in life.

There came such an unexpected turn in our lives that it shook us all to the core and things were never the same for anyone of us.

It was 31st December. We all knew that Radhey could not clear his HSC exams in the first attempt. It is after the HSC results that one can decide whether one wants to go for engineering or medicine. And as he could not clear HSC in the first attempt that disturbed him and his family to such a extent that they grew reclusive and started avoiding other members in the building. They were perhaps shameful of the fact that Radhey was the black sheep of the family and in the family of engineers; he couldn't even crack the basic HSC exams. Kaku was disturbed and she got BP and was very worried about Radhey. Other two brothers will manage somehow; who will take care of Radhey is what she always thought. I talked to her many times, but had no words to comfort her as I was also seeing what all she was going through. I also saw Radhey struggling his way hard, but then some things are just not meant for us. Only if we all had realised that there was a different life also other than becoming an Engineer or a thinking of a different way of tackling this issue.

On that fateful day, I saw kaku going to Radhey’s college to get another form for HSC. Radhey asked her to go as it would be too late for filling the form and that he would lose another semester. This would be the third time, he would appear for it. This time, he would surely do it, we all thought. That day everything was quiet and low profiled. I went to check what Radhey was upto, he just saw me and went inside after saying that kaku has gone out. I also went back to studies on that afternoon.

At around 5 pm, when kaku came back, I heard her shouting loudly, calling Radhey's name. I rushed to her, frightened and concerned. She came out running and told me that Radhey has hanged himself to the ceiling fan and that he ditched her by telling her to go out so that he can end his life. I didn’t know what to do and what to say. My father rushed to their house. Kaka was incidentally out of town. Varun was in school, Ram dada in Belgaum for his studies, there was no one from her family at this unfortunate moment.

The people in the building along with my dad summoned doctor at home and doctor advised them to take Radhey to hospital. Some others called kaka and Ram dada and told them about the incident. Kaku was in a state of shock and was unable to comprehend things. She was just calling out Radhey's name and asking him the same question again and again, as to why did he do this and what was her and kaka's fault that he didn't think twice about them before taking this drastic step and ending his life in a flash of a second.

Doctors declared him dead after check-up and this was conveyed to the kaka on phone. He was on his way and it would take some hours before he arrived. The body had to undergo post-mortem as it was a suicide and also a police complaint was registered. In the meanwhile, kaka and Ram dada came home and went to the hospital for bringing his body. Kaka was utterly shattered. He suddenly looked very tired and old and his face reflected the sadness and pain. He couldn't even cry because he had to give moral support to kaku and his other two children. Ram dada and Varun were looking lost and didn’t know what exactly to say to their parents.

When the body was brought home, many people, family friends paid last homage to the body. Everybody had a question in their eyes, how on earth did Radhey, who was so happy-go-lucky and always ready to help people commit such an act? Radhey was not there anymore to answer this question which haunted his close ones all their lives. I lost a dear friend of mine. I was too small to comprehend what exactly was bothering him and how I would have been a help to him in reducing the stress and tensions in his studies.

The last rites were performed after 2 days of his death and the family left for their native place for doing the other rituals. Kaku was still in a daze and I knew it would take a long time for her to come out of this shock. Perhaps it would take a life-time or perhaps she never would. What more grief can come to parents that lighting the pyre of their child, whom they brought up in lot of hardships and tried to give him the best they could? Everybody was sad in the building and had their theories and views on this sudden death of Radhey. Some people were of the opinion, that he was under pressure and very afraid of his parents and so he thought of ending his life rather than listening to their remarks. Some people thought that it was destiny and he had a short-life and that is the reason, he left this world at the age of 19.

When kaku and kaka returned, it was very difficult to see their condition. Kaku cried almost daily and remembered him. She talked to him, asked him, what was their fault, why did he leave them in a lurch like this. Why didn’t he think once of his dad and mom, for whom he was important than his grades and marks. But Radhey was not there to answer her questions and he left with all the sadness and pain in his heart.

Kaku did not spare any astrologer asking him the reason for Radhey’s behaviour. Different astrologers gave her the same answer that he had only these many years which he could spend with them and that it was all a part of the larger game. Kaku tried to search his face in the crowd, thinking that someone like him would be born somewhere and would once come to her and tell her that he missed her and that he loves her and that he is sorry for whatever he did. But, that time hasn't come yet. She continues to still remember him everyday, leave alone his birthday and death anniversary. How true it is said by someone, that the person who dies, dies just once, but the people he leaves behind die everyday and burn themselves everyday in his remembrance and they grieve for him/her till they breathe their last.

17 years have passed now. Ram dada has two kids, Varun got married recently. Kaka and Kaku have moved to their native place now. That house where the family stayed is now occupied by Varun and his wife. Ram dada is in Bangalore now, working with a reputed firm. Kaka, kaku visit him often, but they are more comfortable with each other in their native place. They both were always emotionally dependent on each other from the beginning and looking at them always made me feel happy that arranged marriages also have so much of love and dedication, even after so many years of marriage. Kaku can’t imagine an existence without kaka and kaka can’t think of a day without her. They both still weep silently at their son's death, because they both want to comfort each other and be there for each other in a moment of despair and ill-health.

Meeting them after so many years in Bangalore yesterday revived all those memories and I couldn’t help writing about this friend of mine, whom I lost at an early age.

I have my own set of questions too..

I also wonder sometimes, would it have been different if there were counsellors to help Radhey in identifying his aptitude and then choose a course. Would talking to someone who understood him have made a difference and helped him refrain from taking such an extreme measure. Is it really destiny which shapes our life, no matter how much efforts we take? Is there something called re-birth? Will kaka, kaku ever get to talk to Radhey one last time and seek answers to all these questions which they have been carrying all these years? Will they ever get to live peacefully again in their life-time?

Just like kaka, kaku, my quest also continues…

Do you have some answer?