Being Different

Initially, I knew him only as my music teacher’s son.

I am a great devotee of music. Any type of music which soothes nerves and lights up the mood is revered by me and then languages do not pose any barrier anymore. The melodies, the rhythms, those different sounds in the songs are enough to help me transcend in a different world. I have heard many songs in different languages and have a collection of German, Spanish, Hindi, English, Marathi, Kannada and Tamil songs. I listen to them often and now have most of the songs by heart. I also try to understand the meaning of the songs so that they stick around with me for a longer time. I can listen to songs and write, do my work. Music has made me excel is multi-tasking.

My mom had recognised his flair of mine when I was very young and she was the one who persuaded me to start learning music. I started with a few friends from my school who came to the same music teacher, but learnt playing harmonium and I started learning Hindustani classical vocal music. The music teacher was a very aged and experienced person, so it was a bit difficult for me to connect with him at that time, when I think of it now. He was more like a Guru and we his disciples who were born only to commit mistakes and listen to the harsh comments of the guru. Today the relationship of “guru” and “shisya” is very dynamic and evolving. I somehow managed to give 2 levels with him and then discontinued learning as I had to concentrate on my studies. 15-17 years ago, it was not very common to pursue a full time career in singing as it is on rampant nowadays. Today, you turn on any channel on the Television, it has to be some or the other music reality or dance show playing out there, which has so much of emotional drama and gimmicks. That is not pure learning and practising at all, but who cares anyways. Just for a few bucks, people are ready to come on television and get famous, though for a little time only.

So, I concentrated on studies like a good girl and then got good marks in 10th and chose to do Arts. People thought I was crazy but my parents supported me fully. I loved languages and hated Maths and Science. I started learning German along with my college, finished degree and then opted for doing Post graduation in German. I also started teaching German as I was doing MA. And I also felt the need to restart my music classes. That is when I came to know about this lady, whom I will call Ms. D. She stayed close by and the timings of the classes were also suitable for me. After coming from the university, learning music was a good recreation and gave me some change from the daily routine and helped me concentrate better in my studies too.

When I told Ms. D that I teach German, she was happy and told me very enthusiastically that her son S (I will call him S here) also learns German in the University and it turned out that he learnt German in another batch on Sundays where even I was teaching and his teacher was a good friend of mine, my senior in MA. So, this is how I got to know S. He was very intelligent and bright. He played Sitar and he was a good student in college and he was always into experiments of various types. He also won a golden leaf from NASA is what Ms. D told me proudly. He loved cycling and adventure sports and always wrote keenly about the places he visited. I had met him in the university once or twice and he seemed a very quiet and shy fellow. But then we met again in a common e-group later and got to know him better. We talked about languages, music and also other things of our common interest. I attended his sitar rendition and he used to be there when we had singing programmes with Ms. D. We had a good friendship and rapport. He had even offered to create a website for my poems and every time we met, he said sorry for not having met for at least discussing it. I used to be happy that at least he thought of it. That was just enough. I was not a great poet or something and my poems were very personal and I was not comfortable showing it to everybody and anybody.

He had even come to see me off at the station when I moved to another city. He had sacrificed Bryan Adam’s concert for my engagement and he had happily clicked snaps of ours and later gave them to me without me even mentioning about them once. Such was he, a bit reserved, very good at heart and ready to help others in need. However, he suddenly left the e-group in which we were common members and also there was a gap of a few years after I moved to another city for job purposes. We were frequently in touch on mails and on chat. I knew that he was doing a job in a good company for 2-3 yrs to gain experience and then he quit and then re-located to another country. Generally when people go for higher education, it is very likely that they settle there. I still hadn’t any clue about the real reason behind his re-location. He seemed a lot aloof and unconcerned nowadays. But that was his trait and was known in his close circuit of friends. So, I did not pay much attention and continued to talk to him whenever I saw him online and yes I never forgot to wish him on his birthday. I sent him a mail every year and he acknowledged it without fail. Whenever I asked him about returning to India, he would say he would never return. There was a question mark in my head after this negative answer of his, which got answered only some years later.

It was when a common friend of ours visited me in July last year did I realise that everything which seemed normal with S was actually not. We randomly were speaking about our common friends when the topic of S came up and I asked him if he plans to settle down there or come back here. That was when she told me that he was not like me or her or any other person. He was having a steady male partner since past 2 yrs in that country and they plan to get married soon. I was blank for a few minutes. I couldn’t imagine S like this. She also told me that in that country same sex marriages are normal, accepted well and legalised and no one takes any offence if someone is a lesbian or a gay. In India, it is also slowly taking roots, but full fledged acceptance is still a long way to go and that is the reason, why he chose to be away from this country, his family and friends.

I learnt that his family was very supportive of him in his decision and his mom even visited them him and his partner abroad. She was quite happy that they both are quite serious of settling down with each other. His maternal uncle is also settled there and his family is also there to help him in case he needs them. His sister, who is younger than him, accepted it too and visited them without any hassles and reproach. I was really amazed to see such broad mindedness of his parents, who gave birth to him and brought him up. What might have been their first reaction when they learnt about it? I am sure it might be one of confusion, anger; they must have had lots of questions in their minds about knowing the truth. But, I am equally sure that they all handled it perfectly well and managed and carried it off well too!! They did not ask him to re-consider his decision, they might have, but then they also respected how their son is like and how he wants to be. They accepted him as he was and did not bother about the society or the repercussions of his decision. They wanted him to be happy and fully responsible for whatever way he decides to live. It requires a lot of courage and guts to support someone who is swimming against the tide and in a so-called orthodox community like mine; it would have been surely looked down upon. He neither chose to hide his sexuality from anyone nor made it public. His close friends knew it and they were very much the same with him as they were before. The fair weather friends deserted him and left him alone. How alone he would have felt at that time. I felt so sorry for him; I did not have any words to console him at that time. That time was gone and I did not know. And now he seemed so fine and normal to me that I did not feel the need to broaching this topic in front of him again.

Choosing the life and sexuality one desires is a right in itself, is what I feel. If a person is responsible enough and knows what he/she is doing, then others should not have any problem. You might feel that I am saying this because it happened to one of my close friends and the moral health of society would suffer and ruin the future generations. But society is called a society because it is made of different people and people are bound to be different in their ways, attitudes, mannerisms, background etc. So, integrating every different individual under one big common roof is the very fabric of the society. If we just start segregating people on the basis of sexuality, caste, race, diseases (AIDS), no one would be left to be a member to the society and we can never move ahead and develop and become tolerant towards one another.

Western countries give a lot of attention to individualism and one is free there to stay the way one wants. India, being a big and populous and close knit country, will take little more time to accept such a difference and welcome such people whole heartedly. But, I am sure, it will definitely happen. I am sure there might be people in your vicinity too, who have a different sexuality, but you may never know about it. They look so normal, isn't it? Then why not accept them as they are and let them know that their individualism is not above any other thing and that they are first valued as human beings and not as some ill and different people?

I am not sure if S knows that I am aware of the reason behind his relocation. I do not care if he knows it either. My relation with him has not changed because of this new piece of information and we continue to talk as good old friends. I felt a little bad about his not disclosing it to me, but then it was entirely his choice and life. As I said earlier, he neither chooses to hide it now or disclose it. He has accepted it well and is happy with whatever life he is leading now. And I am happy for him. At least he dared to choose a life he wanted to live and did not get pressurized or bogged down due to of any emotional baggage. He was quite logical in whatever he did and yes he also followed his heart.

What if you happen to get to know that your colleague/ school friend is a lesbian or gay? How would you react? I know it is an individual choice and decision whether to accept or not accept such a relationship. But still I would like to know your thoughts on it.

Being different is also being at least something!!