The perception

At the age of 23, I flew to Germany.

It was the first time to leave my parents and family and friends and go so far. I would not be able to even come back to see them if I missed them badly, I thought. Being the only child to my parents and my grandparents doting on me all the time, it was tough to leave them and go to a distant country about which I was well informed, and most importantly, I knew the language which was spoken there. Yes, I could talk and understand German, and so people consoled me saying that it would not be such a problem to move around there. They were so right!

Today, many students go for higher education to distant countries for many years with great confidence and self-belief. But it was not that prevalent at that time. Or I can say that it was my first time and so I was very nervous. Being a top-ranked in the university for MA enabled me to go to Germany and take a course at the Otto-von-Guericke University in Magdeburg, which is in the eastern part of Germany, very close to the capital Berlin.

I was not actually the only one to fly there. Two more girls from the English Department at Mumbai University were also going to travel with me. They hardly knew German, and so I was going to be their caretaker, guide, and translator. I was also elder to them in age, so it was very natural for me to be protective of them. They were very nice girls, and I soon became good friends with them. We met a few times earlier and planned things and got used to each other. Our families bonded big time and were very proud that their daughters were going to a country in Europe, which they never could. You all know how fathers dot on their daughters. Our respective fathers were more emotional and touchy when it came to saying goodbye to us.

We flew on 2nd October 2002 from Mumbai and landed there on 3rd October, which is the re-unification day in Germany and a public holiday. The first thing that hit us when we landed at Frankfurt airport was the silence. Oh my god, it was so hard-hitting, and it made me so uncomfortable, and I was missing India so very badly. It was hardly 12 hrs that I was away from India, but then I wanted to go back at that very moment in my mom’s arms and grand mom’s lap. No, it was not possible for the next 5 months! So, I told myself to face this bravely and make the most of the chance I have got!

We took a flight from Frankfurt to Berlin, and a professor from the University came to pick us up in his car. We did not know him, and it was very kind of him to come all the way from Magdeburg to Berlin airport. We talked on the road, and he was amiable and helpful. We reached the hotel in which we were put up. That hotel seemed straight from some horror movie, standing alone amidst the buildings which had almost no or few inhabitants. That whole hotel was empty, and only 3 of us were going to stay there with a care-taker who was a fat, old, bald, red fellow with a look of a robber. We thought, oh, where we have landed and how are we going to survive here. We put our luggage and ran out to search for some telephone booths where we could contact our parents and tell them that we reached safely. Jayu ran in one direction and Renu and me in another and then after some time, we realized that we are lost, and we do not know the way to go back. We just kept on moving in circles and came back to the hotel thankfully. We decided after that we would never leave each other like this and go out. We had to be together in whatever we did as there was no one else to take care of each other.

Being a Sunday and re-unification day, everything was closed. Our care-taker, appointed by the university, Katharina, had got us some stuff to eat and to sustain for the next week till we got to know the neighborhood and the shops where we could buy things. We ate like pigs and slept off in the afternoon. After getting up, I went to their room and saw that Professor Mr. Lange had come to see them in their place. He was the HOD of the English department in the Otto-von-Guericke University, and Jayu and Renu were going to take classes under him. We all were surprised to see such a man of high caliber and status come down to the hotel and see us and inquire if we had any problems and if we need any help. So far, the interaction with Germans was excellent, and we all thought that all Germans would be more or less the same. But then how can generalizations be made concerning human tendencies? Every person we met was different and taught us various aspects of German culture, sense, and sensibilities.

Mr. Geier, who was the owner of the hotel, was a shrewd looking person with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes when he talked. He also offered us that we can call India from his cabin and be comfortable. We refused politely and sensed his intentions very well. He thought that these girls, from some Asian country, might be stupid and fall quickly. But then we decided to give him nicely and avoided him whenever he came face to face with us. We didn’t see much of him during the week as we got busy in the lectures, and on weekends, we went out to friends and visited other cities.

Experience at the university was excellent; lecturers were good, well-read, and ready to answer questions. The class was usually of 10-15 students, which was so less as compared to the lectures in any Indian university. It is a different matter that only 4 of us were there for the MA (German) course at the Mumbai University, but that was an exception. I knew there were 100 students for Economics and the more or less the same number in other streams. So, the number 10 or 20 was far too less for me to sit with. And the table was round, no benches in the classroom. So, the lecturer sat at one end and students all beside him/her in a circle.

One thing I noticed in the class was that none of the German students looked at the lecturer who was teaching them. No eye contact at all, that was very new to me. We, back in India, were so much used to looking at the teacher and acknowledging their teaching by nodding. If we did not understand a particular point, our facial expressions would immediately convey our feelings to the lecturer, and he/she would stop and ask us if they should repeat that point again. We thought it to be a boon bestowed to people who taught. But here, it was just a one-side communication, and there were hardly any questions or doubts or problems of not being able to understand a particular thing. Most of the people would catch the lecturer after the lecture was over and get their doubts cleared. Maybe they did not want other students’ time to be wasted. I really did not understand why there was such a cold atmosphere and hardly any interaction in the class, maybe the outside weather had to do something with it too!!

Once while waiting for the lecturer, I took out an orange and offered it to a friend of mine who was sitting next to me. She refused and said, thank you. It suddenly struck me that I was in Germany and not in my class with my batchmates in India. I also observed that most students there sat alone, ate alone, and hardly offered anything or, for that matter, smiled at others. I decided to break that trend and offered an orange the next day to the same girl. She hesitated for a while and then took it, smiled at me, and said thank you. I was happy that at least she came out of that hesitation, and the ice between us was broken. Then she became a great pal of mine, and we had a good time on the campus that year.

Magdeburg was a city where there were a lot of foreign students and old people. It was ruled by Russia after the Second World War, and so most of the old people there spoke Russian and German. English was not very common to talk there, and people hesitated to talk in English to a great extent. Maybe they thought that their English was not good enough and so they did not like to speak English more often in public. I had no problems with the communication part as I was trying to speak whatever German I could talk to. It was a good chance for me to improve my language there. So, I tried my best to talk to local people in German.

I also noticed one thing that most of the people in the trams, trains, or on the roads stared at us many times initially. Was it because of the skin color or something else? I was not really sure, but it made us uncomfortable at the beginning, but later on, we got used to it. Once, one fellow passenger in the tram asked us if we were from Greece. And further said that people from Greece are wonderful and he thought that we are from there too. When we told him that we are from India, he said ok and just left. I do not know if he thought Indians are not beautiful, but then how could we ask him? I also observed that no one really came and sat next to us in the tram if the seat was empty. They would stand, but not go and sit next to us. I thought it to be bizarre, and the experience was quite different in Stuttgart (West Germany) where I went in 2010. I was pleasantly surprised to see people smiling and also sitting next to me. Times have changed for good, I thought!

Later, when we got to know a few of our German friends better, they told us that the Europeans loved the brown color very much, and they think it is really cool to be tanned. I was stunned to know that people here want to get tanned, and in India, the color brown or black is not liked by many, and a typical Indian bride has to be fair and white in complexion if she really wants a right family and husband. The Colour crisis still is very much prevalent in Indian society. And I also got to know that they pay 25-30 Euros per hour to get tanned in the sun. I offered them to get them tanned for free when they come to India. It was so hilarious to know that people really paid to change their skin color from white to brown, and people in India spent money or creams and treatments and what not to become white and fair. How true it is that we are never satisfied with what we have, and we always think that the other person is better off than us! I never rued of my brown color after knowing how much this color is sought after in Europe. I then started flaunting my brown skin and did not feel awkward that people looked at me.

The punctuality of Deutsche Bahn (German trains) amazed me a lot. They were never late and always ran as per the schedule. Once when we were visiting friends in Berlin, the train got delayed by one minute and the lady actually announced and said sorry that the train got late for a minute. I explained to Jayu and Renu about the announcement and we all started laughing. We were never used to such treatment when we traveled in local trains in Mumbai and delays were so much a part and parcel of life. But then I should commend Indian Railways for one thing. If we want to go to any part of the country, there is a single train available to go in most of the major cities and towns. I mean, if we spend 2-3 days traveling in a train, we still reach the destination, however far it is! But here, the DB was a big disappointment when it came to travel to another city or state. I remember changing 5 trains to reach from Frankfurt to Berlin which took me around 13 hrs. There were fast trains available to reach faster but then they were so damn expensive that students like us couldn’t afford to travel in those trains and had to take the cheaper options that took a much longer time! I never blamed the Indian Railways after I came back from Germany and was proud that they have such a vast network with limited resources and a huge population. The less usage of DB in Germany was also due to the excellent roads all over Germany. Germany is the pioneer of automobiles such as BMW, VW, Audi, etc. So people can easily afford a car there and travel with their cars to long distances easily. But middle-class people in Germany or foreign students cannot afford cars and have to travel to cheaper trains.

Some peculiarities of the German trains:

1) All trains are usually red in colour. Some are even black and some are white too.
2) There are no separate compartments for ladies and gents. All have to sit together.
3) Almost all trains have a toilet
4) There are options to work online on the train. Internet connectivity is there
5) There is a Bistro in almost all long-distance trains
6) There are time tables placed at the back of each seat and the further train connections are mentioned in it.
7) A ticket collector usually comes to check tickets and greets you with a smile and punches the ticket. They always come in uniforms.
8) The person who operates the train greets you when the train leaves the station. After every main station, he/she greets the passengers and gives the details of the journey, how long it will take, etc.
9) The exact time of arrival and departure is generally abided and in case there are any delays, they are mentioned in exact minutes. No minute here or there is taken to reach the destination.

We had once gone for dinner with a German couple friend in a nice hotel and we ordered things separately and they also took the time to arrive. As soon as their dish arrived, they started eating and did not even ask us once if we would like to taste it. We offered them when our food came and they were pleasantly surprised. The same thing happened with them as my friend in the lecture. They said no in the beginning and when we insisted and told them that it is our custom to offer food to the people with whom we are dining and then they tasted some of our food. After that whenever we met, they offered us their food before beginning and we also did the same. The custom of paying our own bill was also new to us and we realized it there in Germany. Everybody paid for what one ate and it was not like in India, where one person generally pays the bill and then later if at all collects the share of other people too.

When we went to the supermarkets there, we were totally confused. We had never seen 10 types of different loaves of bread, 20 kinds of yogurt and chocolates and biscuits, and whatnot. We could eat only one thing at a time and so much of abundance actually made us look lost in that huge supermarket. We tried every kind of bread and yogurt possible and chocolates were always welcome and on the top priority at any given point in time. Fruits were not juicier and tastier than as in India, milk was extremely sweet and of different fat percentages. This was also something very unusual for us. We knew milk only in plastic bags and had never seen it in tetra packs which can last for a month or so. Fruit juices were in abundance, natural fruit juices, not the ones like Rasna, etc. Ice-creams were of different fruits and did not contain any artificial flavors. We tried all the berries available here and which we never see in India. We loved pomes with mayonnaise sauce and literally had it every day. On our way back to the hotel, we found a Chinese outlet which prepared noodles and fried rice in 3 Euros. We were a regular customer there and found it as our saving grace in the hotel. We had also taken "varhadi thecha", which I am sure all Maharashtrians would know about. It is a mixture of red chilies and many other ingredients. It tasted heaven with bread in Magdeburg! We did not have a kitchen facility daily and we could cook once a while. Our friends, Raghu and Rashmi who were here to do Ph.D., came over sometime for the w/e cooking sessions. There were separate plastic bags to dump the garbage and we had to be careful in putting the garbage in corresponding bags. The segregation of waste was a very good concept, I found. But then also contrast to such a nice concept were the beer bottles strewed everywhere around, which then forced me to re-think if people are really aware of cleanliness here? I found out that water was costlier than beer in Germany! No wonder!

Generally, I observed that people in Germany were shop alcoholic. Every w/e people were seen all over the shopping areas with 100s of bags in their hands. It is said that the buying capacity of the people in a country is determined by the economical prosperity of that country. So, I could easily decipher that Germany is one of the most stable economies in the world and the per capita income is much more than an average Indian.

During our course, we met many other international students from other countries as well and the university often conducted tours to different cities on a weekend. In one such trip, we met a person called Isaac Mate, who was from Ghana. He was a very nice decent and kind fellow. We both know him better on the trip and he expressed a few things to us, which I will never forget. He told me that no one talked to him very freely as we did with him and that he would be always thankful to us for this friendship. I would like to mention here that Isaac had a skin color that was neither white nor brown. I think you understand what I mean, he was very dark and only his white teeth were visible in case you happen to see him in the evening or night. But that color did not make any difference in our friendship and maybe we felt closer to him and could understand him what he is feeling because even we were stared here and were considered to be outsiders or someone who would rob the local people here of their money or house or whatever. I could sense that feeling of hatred in a few people’s eyes, but then it was very natural for a city like Magdeburg who was always in the news for riots between different groups of punks and skinheads! We never had to face any problems as such due to those groups. One of our German friends, Annika had given us a pepper spray. She had told us that we would not need it during our tenure in Germany, but in case, something happens, this would come handy. Thankfully, we never had to use it on anyone as no one passed any remarks on us or followed us or frightened us even at 12 o’clock in the night. I must admit that the city was safe in spite of being in bad books of many people.

Isaac met us often at the campus and on weekends. We talked about the situation in Ghana and India and wished that we could visit each other’s country sometimes. After observing me for almost 4 months, he told me that he found me very motherly and caring and a person with a good heart as I was constantly taking care of Jayu and Renu. I was happy to know that a friend appreciated me for how I was. I told him that I am generally like that and I like to take care of the other person and see to it that she/he is not having any problems. I am in touch with him even now on mails and I told him about my trip to Germany this time and he was very happy. He sent me his regards and blessings and we hope to see each other sometime in the future. Skin color did not prove to be a hindrance to becoming friends and boundaries and countries did not stop us from keeping in touch.

Once while going home, we had stopped by our favorite shop of Pommes (French fries) and I saw a blind person there. He was very independent and was moving around without problems. He bought some eatables and wanted to cross the road and go to the tram station. So, I decided to help him and caught his hand, and started escorting him to the tram station. He touched my hand with the other hand and asked if I was not from this place and not a German. I was taken aback. How could he not see and recognize that I was not a German? I told him that I am from India and he smiled to himself. I left him at the tram station and said goodbye and left. I kept on thinking about it the whole time. I realized that blind people are extra sensitive and know many things through the other senses. I was very surprised by this incident and it is forever etched in my mind.

An average German family consisted of a couple and a dog. This joke is prevalent even today. Yes, I did see so many people with dogs who were their sole companions and friends. The dogs were even dressed up in nice warm clothes during winters. There was a dearth of kids in Germany and the country was under-populated. People hardly get married here. They stay together with each other for years, without kids. Those who want to have kids had them on their own responsibility and were not bothered if the father would support them till the end. They got help from the government and it seems if a couple has a third child, they get the largest amount of money as compared to the first 2 kids. This was in great contrast to the problem of over-population in India. But then each country has its own set of problems and the over-population in India also was helpful to the IT boom in India, which put India at the forefront.

Now, when I look at India and the purchasing power of Indians, I am no longer surprised at the German behavior. There is a variety of bread and yogurts and chocolates and almost everything and an average middle class Indian can afford himself a car. Just that Germany or to be precise Europe is far ahead than the 3rd world countries like India and I am sure India will reach there, though slowly and a little later.

The end or the beginning

There are no answers to certain questions in this world. Though we have reached the moon and have almost everything in this world accessible at the click of the button, still there are some aspects of human life and it’s functioning, which have been intriguing the scientists and doctors even today. What happens when a person dies? Where does his so-called soul go? If the soul or mind is present in the body, why can’t it be photographed or depicted graphically in a MRI or a body scan? What happens when the mind and body co-ordination fails? There might be many theoretical answers to these questions which may seem to be real, but nothing has been proven yet. And that’s why it makes a human life all the more precious and that is the reason why it should be cherished and looked after well. It is a combination of so many cells, nerves, tissues, bones, oxygen, and blood. I may have missed a few other vital elements too. And yes, how can one forget the super boss, the brain which supervises the functions of other organs so that we can carry out the regular day-to-day activities.

The development of this super boss is a bit late when we talk about the inception. But it is indeed amazing to see a fetus in the womb of its mother. I think it is just like magic or a miracle which takes shape in a period of 9 months. The month by month development of the baby is backed by so many back-end operations, isn’t it? The final product is a baby of flesh and blood readied by tireless efforts of every small organ in the reproductive system of a woman and then later in the body of the baby itself. But then why are some women not able to be a part of this miracle? Why can’t they be the medium of bringing a throbbing baby to life? Again, there are scientific explanations of why some women are unable to conceive. There are innumerous treatments available in the market, which I think have mushroomed everywhere like any other business assuring harried couples that even they can be a part of this miracle. Earlier this very phenomenon occurred without any complications and was very natural and easy. My mom never went for scan or a gynecologist every month to get herself checked and for me it has become so difficult to bring her grandchild in this world.

I have been married for close to 4 years now. I have always loved babies from the time, I do not even remember now. First two years of marriage were spent in adjusting emotionally and physically with my husband and when we both thought that we are ready to start a family, I underwent a scan just to check everything was ok. It started trying at that time, but then after repeated and sincere efforts, nothing was coming through. I consulted the gynecologist once again and she suggested that I go for a scan so that we would be able to know if any assistance was required. That scan showed that the follicle size in the ovaries is not mature enough to ovulate (release an egg). No natural egg release means no scope for the fertilization to happen and no scope of a baby being born out of it. That doctor advised me to take some injections to artificially stimulate the follicles so that they release egg. I was never very pro for such kinds of medical treatments which are rampant nowadays. There are so many side-effects that one has to suffer after these treatments, that one would be left thinking it is better to be childless than to suffer so much. Though the technology and science have advanced in leaps and bounds in the past 10 years, there is no single medical treatment, I believe, which swears that it is harmless to the body and does not have any side-effects. I somehow was not convinced and didn’t get time to do that session of injections and artificial stimulation.

We were trying on and off for about 8 to 10 months. I reduced my weight thinking that obese people can’t conceive easily. I literally starved myself to be able to conceive effortlessly. I am sure; it must have done some damage to the body, which can’t be traced medically. Now that we were again very serious about starting the family and it hadn’t happened yet, we decided to visit an infertility clinic. The problem was obviously in me as his reports were all normal. So I got another scan done, in which this time, to my utter disappointment there were no follicles at all. And there was a cyst sitting right there very proudly laughing at my state. Cysts are also a major contributor to infertility and inability to conceive. No follicle in the ovaries this time left me sad and upset. Instead of having made a positive development by taking proper diet, reducing my weight, doing exercises, staying happy and calm, the growth of follicles had got regressed in the ovaries. Is there any explanation for this? The doctor has no answer, he says it happens, it is very common. This month there are no follicles does not mean that there won’t be any in the next cycle either. There is no particular pattern in which the body behaves every month. Nothing can be predicted, nothing can be assured, and we can just keep hoping is what I derived from that doctor’s talks.

This doctor wants me to take injections and stop the menses for 3 months. He wants to create a tendency called pseudo-menopause, which he believes will cure me of the pain during menses and also relieve me of cysts which are nothing but bad eggs, that can’t become a baby. Stopping a natural phenomenon which had been occurring from the past 16 years is a very scary thing for me. The reaction of that drug on the mental and physical health should also be considered. My husband believes that stopping the menses is logical enough and we should go for a second opinion (only because I am not comfortable with this very idea) and then decide the course of action. He also has his own logical reasons saying that I need not be upset about it at all and should be happy that at least the problem is identified. Had I been born 100 years ago, everybody would have cursed me for not being able to bear a child and the family and the society would have ostracized me and would have made my life a living hell.

I agree completely with him that things have changed a lot in the past 100 years. But then is it not “normal” enough to feel bad on being a failure in this regard when all my near and dear friends are becoming proud mothers and fathers seeing and commenting the smallest development of their child. Has the emotionality of ladies changed over the past 100 years? Have they stopped feeling sad or getting upset because they have become financially and emotionally so advanced now? No, I do not think so. There is a mother hidden in every woman, there is a motherly tendency in every little girl or woman and some are fortunate enough to become mothers in real to their kids and some just remain foster mothers only. So even though I know that my problem is not the end of my world and existence, it has shaken me to a large extent and I would definitely require time to come back to normal. I will take a second opinion and that doctor would tell me something new and may confuse me still further. But I have to be hopeful. Praying, chanting, being helpful and cheerful would definitely bring me something good, though late was what I believed all this while, but then my medical condition and reports have forced me to re-consider it. Why it had to be me? What harm have I done to anyone that this happiness of becoming a mother is constantly evading me month after month? What wrong am I doing to my body that the body is just not able to produce something which is so common in all other women?

Is this an end of all my hopes and aspirations to become a mother or is this is a temporary pause for something big coming my way in future or is this a new beginning of self-realization that there are many other good things in life to cherish and enjoy and contribute rather than crying over something which is just unexplainable and out of my scope and anybody’s understanding?

Only time will tell.

Stranded

I was so proud of my Samsung Star mobile cell until last Monday!

It had a touch screen and an MP3 and a 3.2 Megapixel camera and I had put an additional memory card which gave me access to the world of music where I had about 180 songs in the MP3 format. It looked so sexy with its white metal body and a slot for the stylus to settle in cozily. I used to listen to my favorite German, Marathi, English, Spanish numbers again and again and I had created a world of my own where no one else was allowed to enter. Music takes me to another plane altogether and I like to laze there for hours and hours. My mom often told me not to plug the earphones and listen to songs for hours together as that reduces the hearing capacity. She believes that I will soon become deaf and she often cribs how this generation is going to be deaf at an early age of 35 yrs. I sometimes listen to her and sometimes turn a deaf ear to her pleas and listened to music sometimes!

But all this bliss of mine ended when I was unable to navigate into the menu of my cell after receiving an SMS from one friend of mine on a Monday morning. I spent around half an hour shutting it down and restarting it but in vain. The competency of my cell was now reduced to only incoming and making calls to the last received call. Slowly about 25 messages were visible on the screen and I couldn’t open a single SMS and read them. I had to ask some friends on mail regarding the context of the SMS and check with them if I missed something important. I was beginning to feel frustrated and it was becoming increasingly difficult as I was carrying a mobile phone, but was not able to use it. I was waiting patiently for the weekend when I could go to the service center and get it repaired.

My hubby was constantly teasing me on how lost I must be feeling for not being stuck on the cell phone all the time. According to him, I talk a lot on the phone and waste my energy and time. If I would have spent my energy on something “better” according to him would have taken me somewhere else is what he believes. Who knows, talking to people I love makes me feel connected to them and that is like a fuel to my engine of life. I can’t think of sitting quietly in a room with my best friend Sudhir, Koustubh, Milind, or my mother-in-law or mom. As I hardly meet all these people in person now, I talk to them on and off on phone. But, my reticent husband does not understand this and I do not get into it too. I just nod and say yes, you are right. This solves half of the arguments even before starting them, isn’t it?

With the shock of my cell phone has lost its ability to make calls, I got another jerk and realized while having gone for shopping that my debit card is not in its usual place where it sits gracefully amongst the other cards. I searched for it frantically in all places in my usual purse, at home, in other purses, but no it vanished as if it had wings and it could fly. I immediately blocked it and checked the balance. Thankfully, it was not as bad as I had expected. All the figures were intact and I could see some sunshine in the dark and rainy clouds. I then figured out that I had left it in the office ATM when I had gone there to withdraw the change for giving it to the cab driver. After that, I do not seem to have bothered about the card unless I went shopping the other day. How forgetful of me! This happened to me for the first time in 9 years of my debit card handling. And I was so confident that I could handle everything very smoothly. But there are certain situations, which help you to introspect and clear off your airs about your self-image.

The timing was perfect.

I wanted to enroll for Kannada classes
I wanted to pay the fees for aerobics
I wanted to go to the parlor to get a facial done.

And I had no cell phone to make calls, inquire and fix an appointment and I had no debit card to withdraw money to do the above-mentioned things.

Temporarily, my dear husband offered to become my financer until I got myself a new card! I was thrilled at this idea and started making plans on how to loot him and how should I make the most of this very uncommon chance. But then my initial enthusiasm got thinner and thinner and vanished in no time. He gave me money, which was enough for the week, rather more than enough for the week, but then I just couldn’t ask for money for other things which I was wanting to do. Why did this happen?

This set me thinking.

If at all, I was to sit at home and take care of my future kids, how would life be? My husband would give all the necessary monetary support to me, but then how comfortable would I be to ask him money all the time for small things? Financial independence is such a great boon, I thought. Being in a position to buy all the material things which would give you happiness makes you feel like a king of your life. But then where are the dependency and the belongingness which stems from this dependency between husband and wife? In earlier times, money was not a very important factor and the home-maker wife was so happy managing the house with whatever little her husband gave her for the monthly chores. But then the needs were also less and so was the desire to own material objects and showcase them. A small, cozy home, enough for the couple, their parents, and their children housed so many relatives and occasions throughout the year. There was so much fun and joy to celebrate festivals together, laugh, and talk together. Money was hardly a matter of concern in those days. But then nuclear families paved the way for the breakdown of joint families and the whole scene changed and everybody slowly become secluded and confined to their own happiness and joy and immediate family.

This temporary dependence on my husband taught me a few valuable lessons, which I would have learned a harder way than this.

It taught me to control my expenses and desires to hoard things every week. With my money, I had collected so many things which I hardly used. I had so many books, which I had hardly read. I decided to give them away to the library, at least someone else would read them. I had so many bags and accessories, which I gave away to my maid’s daughter. I concentrated more on the home-front, cleaned up my shelf, cupboards, and kitchen. I had a strange feeling of suddenly becoming a homemaker who carefully and meticulously plans the budget and other stuff of her home. I started wondering, how would it be if I choose to become a homemaker too? It wouldn’t be a bad idea as long as I enjoy doing what I like.

And the absence of my cell made me empty-handed and less pre-occupied. All the time, I would be hooked to the cell, either reading an SMS or making a call or listening to music.

Why should I be available to the world 24/7? Do I have no privacy, no time to call my own? Shouldn’t I be having a dialogue with myself rather than talking unimportant things to some tom, dick and harry? Where was the time to take care of my hobbies or other intrinsic things which would give me inner peace and happiness? I hardly read or write anything these days. I had kind of got off track in my office-home-office routine. So, now with this temporary dependency, I won my freedom and time to do things which would give me some breathing space and give me the energy to do more things in a better way.

You all must have been surprised by the title of this write-up, “Stranded”, isn’t it? Being stranded enables you to realize your true potentials and gives you a different vision to tackle things and face the problem. So, having lost my debit card and connectivity to the outside world, I actually felt better than I had expected. Those who have a positive frame of mind would always look at such an opportunity to try out something different and those with a negative frame of mind would sob, fret and curse and say, “why me”?

So, instead of asking the question, why me, Why I had to lose my debit card and why my cell conked off, I took it as a chance to bond with my hubby, my books, my writing and yes, I spent less and bought things which were essential and not the ones which were desirable.

What would you do, had you being stranded, just like me?

My thoughts

They say marriages are made in heaven and they are carried out on earth. How much is the truth in that? Marriages do take place on earth, but is every marriage made in heaven successful on earth? Today, when I look around, I see lot of people getting separated after staying together for a couple of days as they realize that they can’t carry on with the other person for a longer time. I have many friends who do not want to get married just for the sake of it and then get separated later. Many people have got married after falling in love and now they are wondering themselves, is this same person whom I had fallen head over heels in love? Expectations, duties, responsibilities all get mixed up and then starts the journey of just being with each other physically and energies get diverted elsewhere.. Some people make it a point to cut off all contacts from the person by seeking a legal action against of dissolving the institution which had gotten them together.

Monetary freedom of women is one of the causes for the disintegration of the family. Being a woman, I say this, because I have seen so many women who do not want to adjust anymore and prefer living life on their own terms and conditions rather than living with some person decided by the parents. Single women are on increase and they do not feel the need to get married to lead a content and happy life with a partner. Being able to spend and be assertive has helped women gain new heights in life which was not even imaginable by our grandmothers. My life has been definitely different than my grandmother’s, but she was so happy and content with whatever little my grandfather earned. But now, the more I have, the less happy I am.

My world was shaken by this incident which I forced to have a renewed thought on life and relationships. My friend, 1 year senior to me in school, whom I took as my brother got married 2 months ago. It was a love marriage and they waited for many years for him to get a good job and then they told their parents about their wish to spend rest of their lives together. The wedding took place, everybody was happy and I was happy for them as they finally settled with each other. There is no other joy to marry the person whom you love the most and I can picture myself and my friend, who then became my husband in place of them. Everything seemed to be so rosy and good and bliss. And the other day he calls me and tells me that his wife passed away in the last month. I was speechless. I couldn’t react. I couldn’t console him. She was detected Jaundice and within 10 days, she was gone. I had seen such scenes in movies and for an emotional person like me, it was always something which moved me to tears and now this brother of mine had to undergo all this. How did he cope with it? What went wrong? Death is the most inevitable thing in everybody’s life, but still I hadn’t expected that something like this would happen to someone near and dear to me. Their life was just beginning; it was just blossoming and all of sudden why did destiny snatch her away from him in such a cruel manner. I am sure, he must be having many such questions in his mind and he would be devastated after her sudden exit. But then, there is nothing much we can do against things which are already written for us.

This incident brought me back to a series of thoughts and I wanted to shout to everybody who fight for trivial reasons and get separated just for the sake of not being able to adjust. I know so many couples who have lost the charm of their marriage and keep on bickering and fighting and complaining. All it takes is a change of mind-set and a trait of accepting the person as he is. As in case of my brother, he had no opportunity to bring her back, but the people who can do it, should think twice before breaking the bond of marriage.

After all life is adjustment and we need to adjust a bit with everybody we meet in this world. In office, we do whatever our boss says so why not at home, when husband wants tea or when wife needs help in cutting vegetables? After all it is mutual love and respect for each other which keeps any marriage ticking. How long does it take to give a hug to the person when he is sad and down? How much rupees are spent when you praise your wife’s new hair cut? It is these small things which work wonders in life and I think, everybody who thinks he/she is bored in any relationship must go that extra mile and bring that person back. It is very important that you call that other person back in your life or then it gets too late and then you keep on waiting for that person for eternity. It is said that it is easy to fall in love, but extremely difficult to remain in love. Falling in love takes place in 99 % of people, but hardly 5 % of them can claim that they still love their partners.

Rough phases come in everybody’s life, but then when you have a supportive partner with you, everything sails fine. I am not saying that all marriages are flawless and the partners should also be perfect. No, they should help each other grow and be a constant source of inspiration to each other. Differences are bound to be there, but finding something common and enjoying it makes more sense than living separate life under the same roof. So reaching out to the partner in everyday life is more important than talking to them only in case of problems. A smile, a hug, a word of praise, a hand for support make the world a beautiful place. So, before giving up on the person whom you have liked and loved, it is very important that you look into yourself and then change yourself before expecting the other person to change. Once you change, the whole world will appear changed to you and breaking of marriages would not happen for trivial reasons and misunderstandings.

As someone has rightly said, “True love doesn’t have a happy ending: because true love never ends”. So let’s be a little more accommodating and adjusting and this will surely make us go a long way with our partners with love and respect growing for each other with the passing years.

Dejame vivir

Off late, I have taken to Spanish. I started learning it in January this year with my friend Sudhir. He is a French Language Expert and I am a German Language Expert. So we both decided to learn a language which is entirely unknown and new to us. Spanish was the best option as we both were not ready to teach other our specialized language. Spanish, being the second most spoken language in the world and also due to the proximity of the Instituto Hispania, became our unanimous choice and we joined the class together.

They say, it is a fun language and very similar to English. I did not find it easy. It may be due to the fact that I was already well-versed in one foreign language and I was not looking at it from a career point of view. I was learning it just to do something worthwhile on weekends rather than sitting at home watching TV or surfing internet aimlessly. Sudhir was also instrumental in joining the class as I would have his company while going to the class and also while coming back. I hate to do something entirely novice without knowing a face there. We both started enthusiastically. Sudhir picked it up very quickly and I was as usual in the back-seat, learning and observing slowly. But towards the end of level 1, Sudhir gave up and I continued till the end, gave my finals and scored decent marks. I learned to be on my own without Sudhir being around all the time.

And then after taking a break of 4 months, I joined Level 2 in August. No one from my previous batch was with me at the new level. It was a very mixed class and we gelled quite well. Augustin, our teacher was very enthusiastic and we sang songs with him on all the weekends that we had classes with him. And then I was introduced to this amazing world of Spanish music. When I heard it initially, it lacked the tune, rhythm, beat which the Indian music is replete of. Slowly, I began to follow and understand the lyrics. Well, there are not only love songs in Spanish. There are songs for specific events, occasions, and festivals. They also carry some message sometimes. One such song, which I came across and liked the tune and lyrics, is “Dejame Vivir”, which literally means let me live my life. Life is then compared with air, dove, etc. In short, it gives a message of living a carefree life, doing things what the heart really wants than letting the head rule over it.

I sometimes wonder, what would have my life being if I was a dove or just plain air? I just want to be and not think of many monetary benefits and logical explanations of life. I would have done things which would have given me immense pleasure and satisfaction, though less money.

I live in a society, which is bound by rules and regulations, which do not impact me directly. I mean, no one here directs me here to act and behave in a particular way, but whatever has been given to me by my parents is what I am carrying forward. Money is immensely important to be able to give yourself and your dependents a meaningful life. How would one define a meaningful life? Along with the basic necessities of food, clothing, and shelter, a bit of luxury and indulgence should also be provided. I am talking of this young generation and not of my grandparents who were happy with the minimal things they had in their life. When one has the instruments of power and wealth in his hands, he can sit back and talk about the poverty in 3rd world countries, the increasing value of rupee, doing some social help to the needy, etc. What I mean to say is once the standard threshold of necessities is crossed, can one think of thinking big and making a difference to the world. I do not deny that there were some exceptional individuals who rose high above the basic necessities and became world-class leaders, even though their basic needs were not fulfilled. But as I said, such people were exceptional and this cannot trigger down to masses every time.

Now that my basic needs are fulfilled and I have got married, have settled down quite well in a new city and new job which gives me a lot of money, but no mental satisfaction. How far can I take this dissatisfaction in the job with me and how much importance should I give to money? I have to decide at some point of time in life, whether to be a part of the dirty games played in the name of work or give myself the pleasure of seeing the happiness on the faces of the people, trying to learn a new foreign language which I will teach them?

Should I treat my juniors and colleagues as third class individuals or should I treat them as respectful individuals who have brains and also a heart? Should I kick this fat salary which is making my work-life unbearable and accept something less glamorous and less paying, but which will give me some satisfaction and also a freedom to pursue my own hobbies, passions and also engage in social work too?

There are so many people who exactly know what they want and surprisingly money is not always a priority. I know someone who gave up the dream of teaching, in spite of having done MA and B.Ed just for the sake of her kids and family who needed her. She has not regretted it once for having chosen family over independence and money. I also know someone who is a Chartered Accountant, highly brilliant, fluent in Russian and Polish, who got retired at the age of 40, went back to a “writing school” and is now a full-time writer and is in process of publishing his first novel. He writes for the pure joy of it and gets a very high satisfaction out of it. He didn’t care what people and society thought about his giving up of a high paying job with the Russian Embassy just to be with himself and do whatever he really wanted to do.

Isn’t that amazing? These people have guts to follow whatever they aspired and pursued it without any thoughts of remorse and regret. In this democratic country, one should be able to do what he/she wants, isn’t it? Of course, it should be within the laws and shouldn’t harm the interest of the other person. How many people practice what they have done academically with interest? I have 2 engineer friends, who are not working in the IT industry as Engineers but as German Language Experts. There may be many reasons behind it. The good pay for foreign language experts can be one of the reasons as well as the inability to get a decently paying job as Engineers could have driven them to take up this thing, which is almost entirely different than what they invested all the years of Engineering. I also know someone who has done post-graduation in Economics but is doing a data entry job in some unknown private company. This is a very blatant picture of reality and quite opposite to the example of the engineers, I cited earlier. I also know someone who has done Electrical Engineering but is now working as a Project Manager in a German company after doing some good courses in E-learning field. He never wanted to be in IT, but it seems he had no choice some 13 years back then to be a part of the herd which was either doing Engineering or medical. He wanted to do his post-graduation in History, but that wouldn’t have brought him so many bucks and luxury as he is currently enjoying. Am I am not sure if he is happy with this stressful like of his or he would have been happier in the life of an archaeologist or a lecturer. But he would have been engaged with that he really liked and would have been in a better position to enjoy the content of heart and fulfillment of his life as he would have done what he passionately likes to do. Money flows in very easily, but the joy of doing what one likes? It is missing, is what I feel. Money has brought him a name, fame, status, car, a fat bank balance, but what about his personal health? Choice of going off somewhere to see places, just like that? Lying on a beach watching the tide? Traveling in an ordinary sleeper class of train? Not anymore…

Living a carefree life, not worrying about the future or bank balance is not an in-thing today, because our ancestors have always stressed the virtue of planning for the future. In order to be able to live tomorrow, we have to let go of small things today. No one knows how many years he is going to live, but he wishes to die rich rather than live everyday modestly. This is my personal observation. Everybody is busy doing something worth in terms of monetary gain, monetary benefit. Who follows the heart nowadays? Who has the time to give to hobbies? Who pursues hobbies as careers? Hardly a few people do it. As there is no good monetary return, people prefer to slog in a brainless job rather than devoting time to hobbies and interests and pursuing them as a career.

Making people run after something which will never satisfy a human being is the characteristic of money. No matter how much one has, he can never be satisfied. He will want more and more and that will increase his frustration and inability to be content with whatever he currently has.

I am not going to be one amongst the 1000’s of people who let go of their mental satisfaction and peace in pursuit of earning more and more and more money. I have a choice of doing things little differently and I also have the time and choice to do something, I really like, unlike many others who are bound in technology, experience, etc. I am going to think about my inner peace rather than comparing myself in terms of lac of rupees I have in my bank. I do not care about what people will think of me when I refuse to work in a reputed IT company, do something out of the role defined for me.

I would rather follow my heart, do teaching, take up freelancing translation jobs, go for singing class, learn and teach Spanish, help people read and write, explore my writing abilities and be happy rather than cribbing every day coming to the office and doing what I detest.

Have you followed your heart yet?

Expectations

I always wanted to get back to the good old habit of writing since many days now. Writing has always been my savior when I had something to express or when I was emotionally down. But I didn’t either have time or inclination to make a conscious effort to sit down and write. I got the inspiration from my shuttle mate, John Jethi. He appears very quiet and serene, but has a very vast knowledge of books and authors. He likes to talk about them at any given point of time and he himself has written a couple of short essays depicting his thoughts about issues which are really close to his heart.

So, today was an ordinary day like every other day, where I had to go to another office for training named as “Team Working”. The training was ok, nothing great as I had expected. This is exactly where the thought process started. Expectations- this word has literally tortured me all my 29 years that I have lived on this earth. I do not know how this word and I am so closely related and why is the connection so strong that we both are just inseparable.

Which is the most beautiful moment in one’s life? According to me, it is achieving whatever one was aspiring all his life. And these beautiful moments come in your life many times. When you start walking on your own as a toddler, when you cuddle in your mother’s embrace, when you come in the merit list, when you realize you are in love, when your soul mate is there with you when you really need him/her to be by your side – could be the beautiful moments in one’s life.

The moment people step in our lives and we start building relationships in schools, peer groups, colleges, office, this word quietly sneaks in and becomes a ghostly figure between you and the person with whom you start interacting.

I expect my mom to understand my flared mood. I expect my friend to leave me alone for some time. I expect my colleague to share some of my work. I expect my life-partner to always read my mind and always keep me happy. Here is where I have entirely erred in my life. No two human beings are similar in any aspect. Being together for 3-4 hours and spending an entire life time with a person whom we believed to have known once upon a time is an altogether different thing. Upbringing is different, so is the emotional and socio-economic environment in which two people are raised. So how should I even think of that other person to be just like me and do everything I want him to do?

Situation gets worse when the other person doesn’t even consider things as problematic, which we perceive them as. And then starts the era of covering up and giving up communication totally. When two people with two different planes and mind set come together and are not able to move ahead with their differences, the best thing is avoiding communication in general. I do not believe in facing the problem and attacking its source etc., because for one person it is a problem and for the other it is just being over-sensitive and too emotional.

Entertaining me, being in my own world is now expectation from me. I have slowly started training myself in that direction, rather orienting myself in that way that I do not expect anything from anyone and avoid hurting myself in return, And I must say, that there is a marked difference in me. I now no longer have the bouts of depression. I have so many things in my life with which I can keep myself pre-occupied.

My parents mean the world to me and I will never let them be sad, seeing me sad as my expectations towards someone are not getting fulfilled. Only when I feel and achieve inner peace can I find peace and happiness in outside world and thus to achieve this immensely soothing inner peace, I will strike out the word “Expectations” from my life’s vocabulary and I know there are wonderful people out there, my close friends who will help me in finding it.

Priorities

Finally, Anil is going back to Hyderabad and he is extremely happy about it. He broke this news to me yesterday when I called him to inquire about a common friend of ours as that friend was not reachable on cell. Anil has managed to get a job in Hyderabad with a decent salary package and will be in his very hometown with his people which was the most important thing of all. I was happy for hi, , but was also sad that I would lose a very good friend cum ex-colleague. We worked together in my previous company and though it is almost 9 months that I have left it, I am still missing my buddies who grew from my colleagues to friends and then to close friends. Anil was one of them. Anil looks as if he is a very quiet and shy person at the very first meeting with him. But when you start interacting with him regularly, you realize that he is fun to be with. He speaks in a typical Hyderabadi tone and makes you laugh. He has a mischievous face and his eyes play a major role in appearing mischievous! He has firm views about people around him and he is very vocal about it, which sometimes lands him into trouble. But he is just not bothered. He talks to everybody in the team but is friends with a handful of them. He doesn't get involved in any controversies, does his part of the job without getting involved in it and he knows extremely well how to sound and be like a thorough professional. He helps others when needed, but is very laid back most of the time. Getting involved in the work brings unhappiness and makes one upset is what I have learned from my previous experience and I must admit that I have lost the zeal and innocence of working at something which he/she is passionate about. I know so many people, who have different educational backgrounds and have landed up in a totally different field. They work on something which they have never ever done in their lives. I do not know what exactly goes in their minds and lives as I was very convinced some months ago that you ought to be fortunate enough in getting to do you always wanted, rather doing only what you have learned. But people have different opinions and now people are open to change. I know someone who has done his Electrical Engineering and has landed up with a job in an MNC and he is doing something in the e-learning field which is just a baby in India. Is there any connection between these two things? Nope, but people are happy in learning something which would help them earn bucks and help them sustain in this competitive world where everybody wants to excel in his/her own field and they choose nay path which comes across to achieve that so-called happiness in terms of money, fame, and status. So, Anil belongs to this category of people who are trained in something else and have landed up doing something totally different. He is a Spanish language expert and works as a German, Italian and Portuguese resource. He has molded himself in such a way that is literally ready to work for any region in the team and so he is very popular amongst the managers and team leaders who want him badly in case some language resource is absent. His manager doesn't want him to go back to Hyderabad where his family is, his real happiness it. He is very close to his family and stays in a joint family with his parents, brothers, sisters-in-law, nieces, nephews, etc. He is the youngest of 3 brothers and is very pampered and loved by his family members. He goes to Hyderabad every fortnight to be with his family and spend quality time with them. He is very sad when he returns to Bangalore. He hardly has any friends here with whom he can go out on the weekends. Bangalore offers solace to maddening crowds of people who love to dance, smoke, drink, eat in pubs, bars, etc. But for people like me and Anil, it has little to offer and we have to find the means of being happy by ourselves. There are so many people like me who have left their hometowns, families, friends and come here to eke out a living. Earning for a living and missing out on all those small things related to that house where we grew up, laughed, ate together with our parents, grandparents, learn the most important lessons of loving, caring, sharing, being humble and kind to others which no school, college or institution teaches you officially. Leaving all this far behind and setting up a different world of ours and our friends and colleagues, but where there are no parents and other family members who were responsible for bringing us to this peak of our careers. All the childhood memories just remain like a small dot somewhere in our minds and we all assimilate ourselves nicely in the new life, culture, friend circle thinking, and believing that this is my life. This is what I have chosen for myself. Every year we visit our respective homes in the other towns and wonder if we really belonged here sometime if we really were a part of all this just some years ago. Friends are busy with their own routine and it is a holiday time only for is. Many of our friends move out, get married, settle somewhere else and we lose touch with them. Everybody except us is very busy in that particular period when we decide to go on a trip down the memory lane. then we wonder wasn't Bangalore better? We come back to the work town and are almost inexplicable about our trip to the hometown. How strange is our mind! I am amazed at its powerful submission to any routine which it believes is going to be permanent for at least some time now. How nicely we blend ourselves with the hectic schedules in the work town! How quickly do we believe that we have been here for ages now? We almost forget that part of life and people where we study grew together and tend to remember the present where we are working and earning. This is a part and parcel of life, of growing, becoming independent, rich, famous, self-confident, and matured enough to carry on alone. How many people have the courage to carry in alone? How many people are ready to give up this luxurious and independent life and go back to the lives where they spent the best time and be with the people, who love them unconditionally. I do not have the courage to go back to my hometown which has nothing else to offer me than the most precious people in my life, my parents, and grandmom. But still, I won't leave this luxurious and independent life and go back and my people also won't like it as I am at the best of the career phase. I am glad someone has the guts to go back where his heart is, someone knows where his happiness is and going back to the place where he always longed to go. I am very glad, that at least Anil did it!!

Realisation

I fell on my bed tired and exhausted, not having strength even to move an inch. It was feeling as if all my bones were cracking inside the surface of my skin and they would tear apart my skin anytime and would just protrude out. I also realize the thudding and pounding of my heart, which was not a very usual observation about my heart. I realized today, what it really means when your heart is pumping blood in and out and keeping you alive and kicking. My breathlessness made me realize that I also breathe like a million other people and I also could sense the air going in and coming out from my nose!

All these days, I inhaled all the possible pollutants in my system, while traveling to the office every day and I have no idea what all types of gases, I have inhaled. I had learned some in the chemistry class while in 8th standard, but the trio of Physics, Chemistry and Biology didn’t make any impression on me and I deserted them after the SSC and hardly saw them again in my life until this day today which reminded me once again of the Carbon monoxide, Sulphur dioxide and what not. The things I detested testing in the laboratory are now my regular accomplices. And they all have just one color, black which is a mixture of all of them together making them all the more deadly. Having a uniformity is good, but not in silent killers who proudly boast of making people vulnerable to all the respiratory diseases like bronchitis, asthma etc.

Coming back to the point, I could now think of all the damage my body has undergone in this stressful and fast-paced life. I almost was working mechanically and without realizing the pace at which I was running after something. Yes, I call it something, because I am not sure, why I am running and after what I am running. Is it money, fame, status, will to achieve, excel? I am not very sure, but just as others are doing it, I am also following them in the herd!

I am following a very strict time schedule in which I am out of the house for almost 12 hours, working very hard in the office, stressing myself out for someone sitting in a far distant country of some continent like Europe or America. I keep myself busy, rather believe that I am busy in solving their problems, trying to make their lives easier so that they have profits and they are happy and relaxed. And at whose cost am I doing all this? At my own mental and physical health’s cost. Sometimes, I skip lunch, snacks, dinner, when I am deeply stuck in the problem. Does this affect anyone else in the world than me myself? Just as my body helps me to carry out all the daily activities without much difficulty, I should also help my body by giving it the necessary fuel so that it gets charged and I feel energetic, isn’t it? But this simple logic is lost out in the fad of “delivering on time”. We almost think that we are superhuman beings without a body and a soul and can carry out things endlessly.

All this over-confidence of mine was punctured like a balloon when I joined the aerobic classes for my own joy and happiness and basically to reduce some weight. All this while, following very unusual eating and living style, I have conjured up a lot of ailments, thyroid, obesity, sometimes high BP, etc. I have also another disease which is called “wasteful thinking” and it is I think a compulsive behavior disorder where you, again and again, do the same thing consciously or unconsciously. I do thinking in that manner, compulsorily and unnecessarily. I understand, it doesn’t take me anywhere and doesn’t do me any good, but still like a lunatic I keep on thinking and thinking and thinking. So, I thought, that's enough of self-killing and I should come out of this phase, I joined the aerobic classes, which I was again just thinking of doing for many months.

It gave me immense pleasure and fun in dancing away the weariness and tiredness of the day and a new me has emerged, who loves life, enjoyment and every good thing that gives joy. Where was this facet of mine all this while? What had happened to me in such a mundane and dull life? Where was the zest, the vigor, the happiness, which I was always famous for? Where was that charm and desire to dance away all the fear and troubles in my life? Yes, I found the laid back me again and decided to take charge of my life once again! I enjoyed every bit of aerobics which was coupled with dance steps and the Yogasanas which are very helpful to keep you mentally fit and fine. The initial days make you lose heart and it pains all over, but you just have to keep going for better result and should not give it up.

Yogasanas and pranayama help you to meet your inner self. They make you aware of the magic of the breathing technique which has a very different effect on your body. We almost breathe unconsciously every day, but if we do it consciously and by realizing its different patterns, we would never ever be able to thank breathing for the good effects it leaves on our body and mind. There are no doctors required, no specialists required if you just take a little care of your body is what I have learned off late.

It is just a matter of taking charge of your life and doing wonders with small things which have a very big cumulative effect in the long run. Aerobics helped me ease out my tensions, my wasteful thinking. I enjoy dancing on rhythm and beat and feel it great that I can follow my heart! This gives me immense self-confidence and boosts morale. I feel very happy to go home, take a bath, read a book. Yes, I have also taken to compulsory reading nowadays, which is not bad like wasteful thinking. It is a self-discipline technique which I have imposed on myself and feel very happy about it.

There are some things, which one must regularly do like a habit. Reading, praying, exercising, contemplating, anything which gives you happiness. Some time when you can be with yourself helps you realize what all are you missing in this hectic life. Some things with which you can pamper yourself, a bite of your favorite chocolate, make candles of different shapes and sizes and colors, dance in the rain, smell the green after the rains, see a rainbow, observe the azure skies, watching rains from home with a hot coffee cup in hand. That one moment of happiness is very vital to your sustenance in a challenging and competitive life. It gives you a direction, a direction to your thoughts and life becomes much more meaningful and cheerful.

So, when are you taking charge of your life?

When are you going to meet your own self?

When are you going to seize that happy moment?