Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Expectations

I always wanted to get back to the good old habit of writing since many days now. Writing has always been my savior when I had something to express or when I was emotionally down. But I didn’t either have time or inclination to make a conscious effort to sit down and write. I got the inspiration from my shuttle mate, John Jethi. He appears very quiet and serene, but has a very vast knowledge of books and authors. He likes to talk about them at any given point of time and he himself has written a couple of short essays depicting his thoughts about issues which are really close to his heart.

So, today was an ordinary day like every other day, where I had to go to another office for training named as “Team Working”. The training was ok, nothing great as I had expected. This is exactly where the thought process started. Expectations- this word has literally tortured me all my 29 years that I have lived on this earth. I do not know how this word and I am so closely related and why is the connection so strong that we both are just inseparable.

Which is the most beautiful moment in one’s life? According to me, it is achieving whatever one was aspiring all his life. And these beautiful moments come in your life many times. When you start walking on your own as a toddler, when you cuddle in your mother’s embrace, when you come in the merit list, when you realize you are in love, when your soul mate is there with you when you really need him/her to be by your side – could be the beautiful moments in one’s life.

The moment people step in our lives and we start building relationships in schools, peer groups, colleges, office, this word quietly sneaks in and becomes a ghostly figure between you and the person with whom you start interacting.

I expect my mom to understand my flared mood. I expect my friend to leave me alone for some time. I expect my colleague to share some of my work. I expect my life-partner to always read my mind and always keep me happy. Here is where I have entirely erred in my life. No two human beings are similar in any aspect. Being together for 3-4 hours and spending an entire life time with a person whom we believed to have known once upon a time is an altogether different thing. Upbringing is different, so is the emotional and socio-economic environment in which two people are raised. So how should I even think of that other person to be just like me and do everything I want him to do?

Situation gets worse when the other person doesn’t even consider things as problematic, which we perceive them as. And then starts the era of covering up and giving up communication totally. When two people with two different planes and mind set come together and are not able to move ahead with their differences, the best thing is avoiding communication in general. I do not believe in facing the problem and attacking its source etc., because for one person it is a problem and for the other it is just being over-sensitive and too emotional.

Entertaining me, being in my own world is now expectation from me. I have slowly started training myself in that direction, rather orienting myself in that way that I do not expect anything from anyone and avoid hurting myself in return, And I must say, that there is a marked difference in me. I now no longer have the bouts of depression. I have so many things in my life with which I can keep myself pre-occupied.

My parents mean the world to me and I will never let them be sad, seeing me sad as my expectations towards someone are not getting fulfilled. Only when I feel and achieve inner peace can I find peace and happiness in outside world and thus to achieve this immensely soothing inner peace, I will strike out the word “Expectations” from my life’s vocabulary and I know there are wonderful people out there, my close friends who will help me in finding it.

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