Attitude maketh man

“He is finally leaving and I am so glad about it” exclaimed my dear friend Anita, at the breakfast table today.


Anita is a very close friend and also a former colleague of mine. We sit in the same office building, but different floors. We have breakfast, lunch and evening tea together. We have bonded well over the years and we share our worries and tensions and also all the happy moments in our lives. So, I got curious at her remark and asked her to whom was she referring and with whose departure, she was so happy!

I am talking about my father-in-law Sheetal, Anita said.

I was surprised to see Anita talk like this. She is a very homely person and she loves having people around and talking to them and why was she suddenly wanting to get rid of good old man, I wondered.

Anita: Don’t ask Sheetal. Past week was hell for me in my own house. That person is no good to anyone. He was sitting like a loner with a cracked face all the time during the Ganesha celebrations. He won’t speak with us or talk to us. We were acting as there was some stranger in the house.

Me: Just like that? Out of the blue, he wasn’t talking to you all in the house?

Anita: Yeah, just like that. He and his fancy mood swings. He didn’t utter a word about anything that was bothering him (if at all??!!). How are we supposed to know what is bothering him or troubling him? Shouldn’t he open his mouth to at least tell us if something is bothering him? Is he in some jungle or some unknown place where he can’t share his feelings?

Me: Calm down, Anita. He must be a shy person and thinking of not bothering you with small things.

Anita: Sheetal, you tell me how does it feel in a house with 4 people, where one person is sitting with a cringed and fallen face, he won’t see you in the eye, he won’t talk, won’t eat food, which you have prepared for him. How will you feel in your own house? I was feeling so suffocated with his whimsical behavior of his. I thought of running away from my own house, where I love spending time and being there.

Me: Yes, I understand. Didn’t your husband or mother-in-law talk to him or ask him, what he is up to?

Anita: My mother-in-law has spent her entire life with this man and I really salute her for this. I do not know how she stayed with him all these years. She knows all his so-called “tamashas” and keeps mum and does her own thing. She has accepted now, that he is like that only. It requires a lot of guts to carry on like this with a person with whom we almost share nothing. Definitively, she has tried to persuade him to lead a good, enriching and fulfilling life. He could do some social service or teach students or talk to the senior citizens of his age during morning or evening walks. But no, everybody in the world except him is wrong and bad. So, I think, she has now given up on him as one can’t do much if the other party is not interested. He taught all his life in a school and I wonder was this he learned his life and taught his students? How to create problems out of nothing?

Me: What are you saying? He was a teacher and still this immaturity?

Anita: Yes, see, he was the youngest amongst his siblings and I think he never grew up. He still thinks elders should treat him like a child and all younger people should give him the due respect.

Me: How can he expect that? He can’t command respect like this. He has to earn it and be worthy of it.

Anita: Exactly, these are my very words. Not once did he utter a word about our newly furnished house. Not once did he ask me about my health or asked me about how I manage to deck up the house alone in my husband’s absence? Would you think of inviting him next time to see his sullen face?

Me: Really? He didn’t say anything about your new house?

Anita: Yeah, not a single word of appreciation or support! He has a wonderful wife, 2 dutiful sons, to whom he could never get close due to this strange behavior of his and leave me. I am not even close to becoming his daughter and can never be his daughter. After all in-laws can never be parents. It is only for the heck of saying it at the time of wedding that we are not taking home a daughter-in-law, but a daughter.

Me: yeah, I agree Anita. This relationship is such that it is a little complicated. You can never really get close to your in-laws like your parents. Even if you become a mother-in-law to someone in future, it would be the same, I think!

Anita: No way, I would take care not to repeat the mistakes which my in-laws have done and I will see to it that whenever we all are together, I won’t spoil their happiness on their big days or during festivities. And I really hope that we don’t cross each other’s paths and spoil each other’s happiness in future again!

Me: This is a bit too much Anita. Time will lessen your anger and pain. Looks like you have closed all the doors on him.

Me: Yeah, I have. Is there any use of hoping something from him after 60 years of his stubborn behavior? Expecting a change in him is itself wrong on my part!

We closed the conversation on not so healthy note.

Her anguish, sadness and negativity towards her father-in-law made me ponder.

What goes into such people’s head? What is wrong with her father-in-law? Why had he come all the way here and spoiled the atmosphere at their new house when there were festivities around? I couldn’t imagine Anita wanting to get out of her own house because of his negative attitude. I have known Anita and she is extremely sensitive person. For her to say all this, she must really have suffered a lot in the past few days. She couldn’t tell her husband and mother-in-law as they just advised her to ignore him by laughing it off. It was common for them to see him sad like this, but for her it was unbearable.

I just came to one conclusion by thinking about her father-in-law. He doesn’t have it in his destiny to enjoy good things. He is destined to be a loner; he has some things from his past birth to settle in his birth perhaps. Why would he have to stay alone in his house, which he built for his sons and which his sons hardly like. He built it according to his own wish, without consulting his wife or sons. Now he has to sit and guard his house, all alone.

I very much believe that even for enjoying good things, you have to have that correct and positive attitude in life or else even the biggest happiness in life doesn’t mean anything to you..

I felt happy for Anita that now at least she would be in peace with herself and hope that her father-in-law also finds peace sometime in his life!

Bholi surat dil ke khote

My trip to Pune has been a rollercoaster ride. I had mixed experiences with people. It has given so much food for thought that it will surely reflect in my some or the other writings.

I had come to Pune with lot of expectations about my colleagues, whom I was going to meet for the first time. My team mates sit in Pune and I operate from Bangalore.

I had talked to them online, on the official messenger, but hadn't met anyone personally in our association of 8 months. I only knew one person in the team very well, rather she was a good friend of mine as we were together while doing post graduation in German. I remained in touch with her on mails and calls and we meet once a year either in Mumbai or Bangalore.

I had also bonded well on the messenger with a few other colleagues and I was very curious to meet them. And the first meeting with those colleagues gave me a rude shock. Those girls were totally different than what I had imagined. We had gone to the cafeteria for breakfast and they were bitching about every single person that was walking into the cafeteria. I was sitting there, feeling lost. How can someone be so blunt and rude outright? Every person is different and unique and when God has created us all, what right have we got to call others names?

When something like this happens as in when I do not like the way a person behaves, I generally withdraw in my shell and speak less to that person. This girl, who was really very close to me till I arrived in Pune suddenly seemed stranger to me and I didn't know whether I should confront her or just leave her as she was. Then as I slowly as I mixed with the other team members, everybody had something to say about her and everybody was of the opinion that she bitches big time about everybody and anybody under the sun. I was even more zapped. Spending 2 weeks with her in front of me who had a smiling face, but a rotten heart was extremely difficult as dislike about something clearly shows on my face. She realized that I was not the way I was talking to her when I was in Bangalore. But she was happy in her own world, so I didn't talk much to her on any issue.

On the contrary, my opinion about 2 other girls, which was not quite good initially, changed completely after meeting them and spending time with them personally. They showed the desire and will to change and it showed in their attitude and their work. They talked to me freely and shared their concerns about the team and the work pressure. I assured them that they were doing fine and I appreciated the change in them. i bonded with them so well that we talk almost daily on issues other than work also!

After I left Pune, this girl (whose image had changed to negative from positive) had the audacity to talk about me to that close friend of mine who was in the university with me. I do not understand why she did that. And to top that she asked me if something is wrong and why I am not talking to her the way I used to. How can people be so double standarded? I was sad and hurt when I heard her tales about me. I had trusted her so much and told her about my personal issues and I had thought that I had got a friend for life. But as it always happens, I often misjudge people and get too close to them to get hurt very badly in return and exactly the same happened with this girl. But this is life, isn't it?

It is a part and parcel of life. I learnt one good lesson from this episode. No matter what, colleagues should remain colleagues and while confiding in them, we have to be extra cautious. You never know how they will use something u said at some moment of time against you at completely different occassion and time. I will feel bad for some time and as it happens most of the times, I will take it in my stride and move on..

Lost and found and lost again

I have always been a family person.

Though I do not have any siblings or uncles or aunts from paternal side, I had one maternal uncle only who doted on me like anything. He was the only uncle I had, who treated me like his own daughter. I was born before him and literally grew before him. He stayed in Mumbai with my grandmother and his wife and I visited my grandmom often during vacations.

His first marriage didn't work out and so he separated from his wife and a very small daughter. I had seen my sister as a baby and had played with her which will not be able to remember now. I was very small when things between them went wrong and I never had the courage to ask what actually happened and why wouldn't I see my kid sister again?

Eventually my maternal uncle got married and brought home a wonderful wife, who was very loving and caring and treated me like her own daughter. I was happy to see my uncle settled now with someone who would be with him all his life. I visited them often and bonded very well with my aunt. My brother was born within a year and my joy knew no bounds. I fed him food, gave him a bath, dressed him up, sang for him, danced for him, protected him from his mom's wrath and was there with him for almost all important occassions of his life. His first day in school, his first participation in the school annual gathering, his first win at the competition had me as his support and well wisher. There was an age gap of 16 years between us, but that didn't really seem to matter and I was the one with whom he shared all his school stuff, friend's jokes, anger on his parents for denying him something. I listened to him patiently and tried to give him some words of advice and he listened to me most of the times. I helped him with studies and took his lessons many a times. I took him to Chowpatty to play in the sand and build castles with him.

When I got engaged to Atul, he also bonded well with him and liked to talk to him on various things. I thought it as a one big family and was very happy with the things on my personal front. I got married and moved to Bangalore, but kept contacts with my uncle, aunt and my kid brother. He was no more a kid now, he was in 7th standard, when I moved to Bangalore. I talked to him on phone, sent him gifts on his birthday, which was just 6 days away from Atul's in the month of January. I also talked to my uncle and aunt regularly and sent them flowers on their birthdays and anniversary.

This stopped suddenly and abruptly when my mom told me that aunt put the blame of a missing ornament on my mother and uncle didn't say anything against it. They cut all contacts with me and my mom and I do not know til l date what was my mistake and what I had done that suddenly things changed so drastically. My grandmother was saddest of all as both her kids were not on talking terms with each other and she was suffering every minute and the most. But aunt took good care of her and that was one thing which was satisfactory in all this emotional upheaveal. She kept me informed about my brother's progress, both academically and emotionally, physically. I was surprised by his sudden coldness towards me. I had never said anything bad to me and my grandmom told me that he never ever mentioned me or inquired about me. I sent him some gift on his birthday for which he didn't even call me to say that he liked it. He was small that time.

Now after 5 years, I happened to see him on the social networking site, Facebook and sent him a friend's request. I thought of renewing the contacts with him as I did not have anything against him. I wanted to be his elder sister, which I was and help him in case he needed any help. I waited for many days, but he didn't accept my request. I had his mobile number, I messaged him on his birthday and also asked him to approve the friend request. He again played it cool. Then to finally break the ice between us, I asked him if he is not interested to accept my friend request and he said it very indifferently that he is not interested and that I shouldn't send him any friend request in future. I was shocked to see this and hadn't expected it from him of all the people. I was numb for many days and was quite hurt. But then I had to move on. I blessed him and wished him luck in all his future endeavors and never ever tried to contact him again.

Also, my sister, who was estranged from my uncle was on the Facebook and I tried talking to her. I explained her the background and that I would like to be her friend. She didn't remember me at all and did not show any interest in getting back in touch. I followed up with her for almost a month and realized that I am banging the wrong door. I gave up on her too.

I had lost her for no fault of her and mine and I tried to make up for all those years which we both lost, but then she couldn't understand my sentiments behind it and she was also right in her position, I thought. Why would she talk to her sister who was related to her father's side and rebuild the relations which were cut long ago? I wished her luck and moved on. She never got in touch with me again.

I had lost my brother again for no fault of his or mine and I tried to make up because I was elder to him and loved him a lot and wanted to be with him in his formative years and guide him. Was I being selfish in this? No, but then it was just not meant to be I thought and left it at that very moment. I will continue wishing good for my brother and sister and wish them all the luck in their lives.

I happened to read a book in which the question running in my head for all these months. Why did this happen and a bond so strong, based on love and affection just wither away like this due to some misunderstanding on the part of our elders? The answer to it was that some relations are destined to travel together only for a certain time and once the give and take of that relationship is over, the relationship ceases to exist. So, now when I think of my relationship with my sister and brother, we had only so much to give each other and be in each other's company and that's it. I now have come a long way to believe it and do not regard the breaking of my relationship with my siblings with remorse anymore. It was destined to be and my place would be filled by someone else in their life and my life would be filled with someone who would call me tai and love me and respect me.

Someone's loss is someone else's gain!

Medhavi and Kiran - Wish you all the happiness in this world and do your best in everything you take up!

The perception

At the age of 23, I flew to Germany.

It was the first time to leave my parents and family and friends and go so far. I would not be able to even come back to see them if I missed them badly, I thought. Being the only child to my parents and my grandparents doting on me all the time, it was tough to leave them and go to a distant country about which I was well informed, and most importantly, I knew the language which was spoken there. Yes, I could talk and understand German, and so people consoled me saying that it would not be such a problem to move around there. They were so right!

Today, many students go for higher education to distant countries for many years with great confidence and self-belief. But it was not that prevalent at that time. Or I can say that it was my first time and so I was very nervous. Being a top-ranked in the university for MA enabled me to go to Germany and take a course at the Otto-von-Guericke University in Magdeburg, which is in the eastern part of Germany, very close to the capital Berlin.

I was not actually the only one to fly there. Two more girls from the English Department at Mumbai University were also going to travel with me. They hardly knew German, and so I was going to be their caretaker, guide, and translator. I was also elder to them in age, so it was very natural for me to be protective of them. They were very nice girls, and I soon became good friends with them. We met a few times earlier and planned things and got used to each other. Our families bonded big time and were very proud that their daughters were going to a country in Europe, which they never could. You all know how fathers dot on their daughters. Our respective fathers were more emotional and touchy when it came to saying goodbye to us.

We flew on 2nd October 2002 from Mumbai and landed there on 3rd October, which is the re-unification day in Germany and a public holiday. The first thing that hit us when we landed at Frankfurt airport was the silence. Oh my god, it was so hard-hitting, and it made me so uncomfortable, and I was missing India so very badly. It was hardly 12 hrs that I was away from India, but then I wanted to go back at that very moment in my mom’s arms and grand mom’s lap. No, it was not possible for the next 5 months! So, I told myself to face this bravely and make the most of the chance I have got!

We took a flight from Frankfurt to Berlin, and a professor from the University came to pick us up in his car. We did not know him, and it was very kind of him to come all the way from Magdeburg to Berlin airport. We talked on the road, and he was amiable and helpful. We reached the hotel in which we were put up. That hotel seemed straight from some horror movie, standing alone amidst the buildings which had almost no or few inhabitants. That whole hotel was empty, and only 3 of us were going to stay there with a care-taker who was a fat, old, bald, red fellow with a look of a robber. We thought, oh, where we have landed and how are we going to survive here. We put our luggage and ran out to search for some telephone booths where we could contact our parents and tell them that we reached safely. Jayu ran in one direction and Renu and me in another and then after some time, we realized that we are lost, and we do not know the way to go back. We just kept on moving in circles and came back to the hotel thankfully. We decided after that we would never leave each other like this and go out. We had to be together in whatever we did as there was no one else to take care of each other.

Being a Sunday and re-unification day, everything was closed. Our care-taker, appointed by the university, Katharina, had got us some stuff to eat and to sustain for the next week till we got to know the neighborhood and the shops where we could buy things. We ate like pigs and slept off in the afternoon. After getting up, I went to their room and saw that Professor Mr. Lange had come to see them in their place. He was the HOD of the English department in the Otto-von-Guericke University, and Jayu and Renu were going to take classes under him. We all were surprised to see such a man of high caliber and status come down to the hotel and see us and inquire if we had any problems and if we need any help. So far, the interaction with Germans was excellent, and we all thought that all Germans would be more or less the same. But then how can generalizations be made concerning human tendencies? Every person we met was different and taught us various aspects of German culture, sense, and sensibilities.

Mr. Geier, who was the owner of the hotel, was a shrewd looking person with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes when he talked. He also offered us that we can call India from his cabin and be comfortable. We refused politely and sensed his intentions very well. He thought that these girls, from some Asian country, might be stupid and fall quickly. But then we decided to give him nicely and avoided him whenever he came face to face with us. We didn’t see much of him during the week as we got busy in the lectures, and on weekends, we went out to friends and visited other cities.

Experience at the university was excellent; lecturers were good, well-read, and ready to answer questions. The class was usually of 10-15 students, which was so less as compared to the lectures in any Indian university. It is a different matter that only 4 of us were there for the MA (German) course at the Mumbai University, but that was an exception. I knew there were 100 students for Economics and the more or less the same number in other streams. So, the number 10 or 20 was far too less for me to sit with. And the table was round, no benches in the classroom. So, the lecturer sat at one end and students all beside him/her in a circle.

One thing I noticed in the class was that none of the German students looked at the lecturer who was teaching them. No eye contact at all, that was very new to me. We, back in India, were so much used to looking at the teacher and acknowledging their teaching by nodding. If we did not understand a particular point, our facial expressions would immediately convey our feelings to the lecturer, and he/she would stop and ask us if they should repeat that point again. We thought it to be a boon bestowed to people who taught. But here, it was just a one-side communication, and there were hardly any questions or doubts or problems of not being able to understand a particular thing. Most of the people would catch the lecturer after the lecture was over and get their doubts cleared. Maybe they did not want other students’ time to be wasted. I really did not understand why there was such a cold atmosphere and hardly any interaction in the class, maybe the outside weather had to do something with it too!!

Once while waiting for the lecturer, I took out an orange and offered it to a friend of mine who was sitting next to me. She refused and said, thank you. It suddenly struck me that I was in Germany and not in my class with my batchmates in India. I also observed that most students there sat alone, ate alone, and hardly offered anything or, for that matter, smiled at others. I decided to break that trend and offered an orange the next day to the same girl. She hesitated for a while and then took it, smiled at me, and said thank you. I was happy that at least she came out of that hesitation, and the ice between us was broken. Then she became a great pal of mine, and we had a good time on the campus that year.

Magdeburg was a city where there were a lot of foreign students and old people. It was ruled by Russia after the Second World War, and so most of the old people there spoke Russian and German. English was not very common to talk there, and people hesitated to talk in English to a great extent. Maybe they thought that their English was not good enough and so they did not like to speak English more often in public. I had no problems with the communication part as I was trying to speak whatever German I could talk to. It was a good chance for me to improve my language there. So, I tried my best to talk to local people in German.

I also noticed one thing that most of the people in the trams, trains, or on the roads stared at us many times initially. Was it because of the skin color or something else? I was not really sure, but it made us uncomfortable at the beginning, but later on, we got used to it. Once, one fellow passenger in the tram asked us if we were from Greece. And further said that people from Greece are wonderful and he thought that we are from there too. When we told him that we are from India, he said ok and just left. I do not know if he thought Indians are not beautiful, but then how could we ask him? I also observed that no one really came and sat next to us in the tram if the seat was empty. They would stand, but not go and sit next to us. I thought it to be bizarre, and the experience was quite different in Stuttgart (West Germany) where I went in 2010. I was pleasantly surprised to see people smiling and also sitting next to me. Times have changed for good, I thought!

Later, when we got to know a few of our German friends better, they told us that the Europeans loved the brown color very much, and they think it is really cool to be tanned. I was stunned to know that people here want to get tanned, and in India, the color brown or black is not liked by many, and a typical Indian bride has to be fair and white in complexion if she really wants a right family and husband. The Colour crisis still is very much prevalent in Indian society. And I also got to know that they pay 25-30 Euros per hour to get tanned in the sun. I offered them to get them tanned for free when they come to India. It was so hilarious to know that people really paid to change their skin color from white to brown, and people in India spent money or creams and treatments and what not to become white and fair. How true it is that we are never satisfied with what we have, and we always think that the other person is better off than us! I never rued of my brown color after knowing how much this color is sought after in Europe. I then started flaunting my brown skin and did not feel awkward that people looked at me.

The punctuality of Deutsche Bahn (German trains) amazed me a lot. They were never late and always ran as per the schedule. Once when we were visiting friends in Berlin, the train got delayed by one minute and the lady actually announced and said sorry that the train got late for a minute. I explained to Jayu and Renu about the announcement and we all started laughing. We were never used to such treatment when we traveled in local trains in Mumbai and delays were so much a part and parcel of life. But then I should commend Indian Railways for one thing. If we want to go to any part of the country, there is a single train available to go in most of the major cities and towns. I mean, if we spend 2-3 days traveling in a train, we still reach the destination, however far it is! But here, the DB was a big disappointment when it came to travel to another city or state. I remember changing 5 trains to reach from Frankfurt to Berlin which took me around 13 hrs. There were fast trains available to reach faster but then they were so damn expensive that students like us couldn’t afford to travel in those trains and had to take the cheaper options that took a much longer time! I never blamed the Indian Railways after I came back from Germany and was proud that they have such a vast network with limited resources and a huge population. The less usage of DB in Germany was also due to the excellent roads all over Germany. Germany is the pioneer of automobiles such as BMW, VW, Audi, etc. So people can easily afford a car there and travel with their cars to long distances easily. But middle-class people in Germany or foreign students cannot afford cars and have to travel to cheaper trains.

Some peculiarities of the German trains:

1) All trains are usually red in colour. Some are even black and some are white too.
2) There are no separate compartments for ladies and gents. All have to sit together.
3) Almost all trains have a toilet
4) There are options to work online on the train. Internet connectivity is there
5) There is a Bistro in almost all long-distance trains
6) There are time tables placed at the back of each seat and the further train connections are mentioned in it.
7) A ticket collector usually comes to check tickets and greets you with a smile and punches the ticket. They always come in uniforms.
8) The person who operates the train greets you when the train leaves the station. After every main station, he/she greets the passengers and gives the details of the journey, how long it will take, etc.
9) The exact time of arrival and departure is generally abided and in case there are any delays, they are mentioned in exact minutes. No minute here or there is taken to reach the destination.

We had once gone for dinner with a German couple friend in a nice hotel and we ordered things separately and they also took the time to arrive. As soon as their dish arrived, they started eating and did not even ask us once if we would like to taste it. We offered them when our food came and they were pleasantly surprised. The same thing happened with them as my friend in the lecture. They said no in the beginning and when we insisted and told them that it is our custom to offer food to the people with whom we are dining and then they tasted some of our food. After that whenever we met, they offered us their food before beginning and we also did the same. The custom of paying our own bill was also new to us and we realized it there in Germany. Everybody paid for what one ate and it was not like in India, where one person generally pays the bill and then later if at all collects the share of other people too.

When we went to the supermarkets there, we were totally confused. We had never seen 10 types of different loaves of bread, 20 kinds of yogurt and chocolates and biscuits, and whatnot. We could eat only one thing at a time and so much of abundance actually made us look lost in that huge supermarket. We tried every kind of bread and yogurt possible and chocolates were always welcome and on the top priority at any given point in time. Fruits were not juicier and tastier than as in India, milk was extremely sweet and of different fat percentages. This was also something very unusual for us. We knew milk only in plastic bags and had never seen it in tetra packs which can last for a month or so. Fruit juices were in abundance, natural fruit juices, not the ones like Rasna, etc. Ice-creams were of different fruits and did not contain any artificial flavors. We tried all the berries available here and which we never see in India. We loved pomes with mayonnaise sauce and literally had it every day. On our way back to the hotel, we found a Chinese outlet which prepared noodles and fried rice in 3 Euros. We were a regular customer there and found it as our saving grace in the hotel. We had also taken "varhadi thecha", which I am sure all Maharashtrians would know about. It is a mixture of red chilies and many other ingredients. It tasted heaven with bread in Magdeburg! We did not have a kitchen facility daily and we could cook once a while. Our friends, Raghu and Rashmi who were here to do Ph.D., came over sometime for the w/e cooking sessions. There were separate plastic bags to dump the garbage and we had to be careful in putting the garbage in corresponding bags. The segregation of waste was a very good concept, I found. But then also contrast to such a nice concept were the beer bottles strewed everywhere around, which then forced me to re-think if people are really aware of cleanliness here? I found out that water was costlier than beer in Germany! No wonder!

Generally, I observed that people in Germany were shop alcoholic. Every w/e people were seen all over the shopping areas with 100s of bags in their hands. It is said that the buying capacity of the people in a country is determined by the economical prosperity of that country. So, I could easily decipher that Germany is one of the most stable economies in the world and the per capita income is much more than an average Indian.

During our course, we met many other international students from other countries as well and the university often conducted tours to different cities on a weekend. In one such trip, we met a person called Isaac Mate, who was from Ghana. He was a very nice decent and kind fellow. We both know him better on the trip and he expressed a few things to us, which I will never forget. He told me that no one talked to him very freely as we did with him and that he would be always thankful to us for this friendship. I would like to mention here that Isaac had a skin color that was neither white nor brown. I think you understand what I mean, he was very dark and only his white teeth were visible in case you happen to see him in the evening or night. But that color did not make any difference in our friendship and maybe we felt closer to him and could understand him what he is feeling because even we were stared here and were considered to be outsiders or someone who would rob the local people here of their money or house or whatever. I could sense that feeling of hatred in a few people’s eyes, but then it was very natural for a city like Magdeburg who was always in the news for riots between different groups of punks and skinheads! We never had to face any problems as such due to those groups. One of our German friends, Annika had given us a pepper spray. She had told us that we would not need it during our tenure in Germany, but in case, something happens, this would come handy. Thankfully, we never had to use it on anyone as no one passed any remarks on us or followed us or frightened us even at 12 o’clock in the night. I must admit that the city was safe in spite of being in bad books of many people.

Isaac met us often at the campus and on weekends. We talked about the situation in Ghana and India and wished that we could visit each other’s country sometimes. After observing me for almost 4 months, he told me that he found me very motherly and caring and a person with a good heart as I was constantly taking care of Jayu and Renu. I was happy to know that a friend appreciated me for how I was. I told him that I am generally like that and I like to take care of the other person and see to it that she/he is not having any problems. I am in touch with him even now on mails and I told him about my trip to Germany this time and he was very happy. He sent me his regards and blessings and we hope to see each other sometime in the future. Skin color did not prove to be a hindrance to becoming friends and boundaries and countries did not stop us from keeping in touch.

Once while going home, we had stopped by our favorite shop of Pommes (French fries) and I saw a blind person there. He was very independent and was moving around without problems. He bought some eatables and wanted to cross the road and go to the tram station. So, I decided to help him and caught his hand, and started escorting him to the tram station. He touched my hand with the other hand and asked if I was not from this place and not a German. I was taken aback. How could he not see and recognize that I was not a German? I told him that I am from India and he smiled to himself. I left him at the tram station and said goodbye and left. I kept on thinking about it the whole time. I realized that blind people are extra sensitive and know many things through the other senses. I was very surprised by this incident and it is forever etched in my mind.

An average German family consisted of a couple and a dog. This joke is prevalent even today. Yes, I did see so many people with dogs who were their sole companions and friends. The dogs were even dressed up in nice warm clothes during winters. There was a dearth of kids in Germany and the country was under-populated. People hardly get married here. They stay together with each other for years, without kids. Those who want to have kids had them on their own responsibility and were not bothered if the father would support them till the end. They got help from the government and it seems if a couple has a third child, they get the largest amount of money as compared to the first 2 kids. This was in great contrast to the problem of over-population in India. But then each country has its own set of problems and the over-population in India also was helpful to the IT boom in India, which put India at the forefront.

Now, when I look at India and the purchasing power of Indians, I am no longer surprised at the German behavior. There is a variety of bread and yogurts and chocolates and almost everything and an average middle class Indian can afford himself a car. Just that Germany or to be precise Europe is far ahead than the 3rd world countries like India and I am sure India will reach there, though slowly and a little later.

Their story

Their story

Introduction

My association with the German language dates back to the year 1994-95, when I was still in school. I was interested in languages and social sciences while at school and wanted to do something by taking up Social sciences. In those days, taking up Arts was not considered as an indicator of being intelligent and studious because it was believed that the people, who do not get admission in any other stream, take up Arts. There were only 2 main streams, which were considered to be good. Science and Commerce were the two streams which had some dignity and Arts was always looked down up. I had made up my mind that I will not take Science and become a doctor or an engineer; I found it extremely dull and boring. I had no interest in maths, accounts, finance, management and calculations as well. And as I loved languages and social sciences, I took up Arts after SSC. In the meanwhile, my mom's friend had told her about her niece who had taken up German language just as a hobby and now was establishing herself quite well in that field. My mom asked me if I would be interested too as she felt that only Arts would not take me anywhere and a foreign language would be an added advantage. How true she was! She was able to foresee something 10 yrs ahead. I took admission in Arts College and also took up German language after meeting that girl who had a career in German language.

Thrice a week after college, I went to the language classes and I will not be ashamed to say that it turned out to be a very difficult task for me to cope up with the new language and the environment in the first 6 months. I did not understand the logical flow of the language at the beginning and was quite lost in new vocabulary, new sentence structures and the various activities involved in the class. I was beginning to lose hope and interest and thought that I will not be able to continue with it for long. But our madam, Ms. Tilwankar boosted my morale so much that I rose to a level at which I was myself amazed at. Mr. Bapat, a guest lecturer also helped me a lot and I owe my success to these two people who did not write me off and helped me improve my language and also the confidence to speak and communicate.

5 years in college flew like they usually do and there I was already in the last year, where I had to decide if I want to do Post-graduation in Sociology which was my major subject in the last year or take up German, a totally different and unusual subject for MA. I decided to take up German as it was not very common those days and I had developed a great interest in the language, culture and wanted to know more about the literature, history and other subjects of Germany. That decision was backed by my parents’ whole heartedly and I enrolled for MA German in the Mumbai University.

I met my buddies, Vrishali, Swapna and Shruti at MA and had a memorable time of 2 years with likes of Ms. Surana, Ms. Annakutty Findeis, Ms. Meher Bhoot and Ms. Madhuri Bajpai. These ladies were great human beings and very committed and they literally ate, slept, thought German. I wish I could be at least 1 percent like them, but then God had made some other plans for me and I was not destined to remain in literature studies and be teachers and lecturers like them. Fortunately, I also got a chance to teach German in the university and I loved every minute and every moment in the class. The payment was far than too less, but I never felt sorry. That experience of being able to command a class of 60-70 students changed me completely. I became confident, outgoing and talkative. I was no more shy or afraid of talking in public. My appearance was no longer a matter of concern for me as I knew by now, appearance is not everything, what you achieve and believe is most important to make you a good human being.

While I was in the second year of my post-graduation, Ms. Dinter, who had come from Germany as a guest lecturer had introduced an exchange programme in the university and the person who topped in MA was able to go to German university and do a course there. I was the lucky one that year and in October 2002, along with 2 other girls from the English department in the Mumbai University, I went to Magdeburg, a city in the eastern part of Germany. And thanks to Jayashree and Renuka that I met some wonderful friends in Germany and my learning and understanding Germans and their culture got a boost. We spent lot of time with those friends, but that was more on the fun side. We all were students at that time. The thing called "life" was yet to hit us and so we were all in a relaxed, yet ready to learn mode. After I came back to India, I tried to keep in touch with them on and off on mail. But then somehow it was not very common to mail so often some 7-8 yrs ago or should I say Germans were lazy in keeping in touch on mail. There was some gap in between but then somehow we were supposed to meet again.

In the year 2010, I was able to come back to Germany. Thanks to my husband Atul, who asked me to come over as he was on a deputation for 3 months in Germany. I got in touch with my German friends before coming here, I told them that I would like to meet them again; I personally met most of them, stayed with them, got to know them better, and got to know their problems, their worries better. I am going to narrate a few of the experiences here, which are more or less of the same nature and they would have happened with anyone of us in India, but their way of looking at things and accepting and reacting to issues and matters is very different, which can be actually a point of cultural studies. It has lot to do with the difference in our and their upbringing, life style. I would like to cite a few stories here without taking sides of Indian or German way of behaviour. It is just my perception and observation, which I am noting here.

We often think that only we are loaded with problems and the grass is always greener on the other side. But as we all are human beings, different things do happen to all of us. We come across pain, hurt, anger, sadness, happiness, hope, strength and so many other types of “winds” who keep us going, make us, break us, isn’t it? It just depends on how we welcome these “winds” in our life and how much importance do we give to them. So here is the first story and the first characters of the story.


Michael and Sina

I met them first in Magdeburg when they had come to meet Jayu and Renu during our stay. Michael was in India on an exchange programme just like us a year before and he had known Jayu and Renu since then. So, now that Jayu and Renu were in Germany, they came to meet us. They bought lots of winter wear for us. They hadn’t met me or seen me earlier, but just because I was with Jayu them, they were very friendly to me as well. They were happy to know that I can speak German and they thought that I spoke excellent German. I was happy to know it. Being in Germany and talking in German was the best practise which I could ever get. By then, I had also decided that I would take up German as my career and this German trip gave me a chance to improve my skills and boost my morale.

Michael and Sina were newly married and they seemed so much in love. Michael was always after her, trying to please her and make her laugh or smile. Sina was a very independent woman and very ambitious. She wanted to excel in whatever she did. She told us that her parents were not happy that she married Michael as Michael was not well established and was not rich enough to take care of her; this was what her parents thought. But she said that she loved Michael above everything else and that was important and so got married to him and moved to Hamburg with Michael. Her parents and his mom stayed in Magdeburg, so they made frequent trips to Magdeburg. They either stayed at her parent’s house or his mom’s house, but they were close to their parents is what I could understand.

Michael and Sina often took us around when they were in Magdeburg and they even invited us to Hamburg. We were more than happy to go there for a week and we did crazy things and enjoyed every moment of our stay there.

We cooked Indian food for them and we all sat on the floor and ate with our hands that day as Sina thought that the theme being Indian should be carried out till the end. So, as we Indians usually sit on the floor and have dinner, all of us and some of their German friends also sat down and had our dinner. They tried their best to eat rice and roti by hand and they succeeded to a great extent. We watched Hindi movies with Michael and Sina with English sub-titles. We went to the Christmas market; we went for shopping, for fairs, for exhibitions. They even took us to the Reeper Bahn in Hamburg which is a famous red-light area. They knew of our Indian sensibility and Michael was all the time asking us not to look around and feel uncomfortable as there were sex shops all over the place and he thought it would be a bit odd for us to see all which is a tabooed thing in India so freely here. I knew about the open culture here, so I will not say that I was shocked, but I was surprised for sure. We then went to an Irish pub, which had live music and we danced there like crazy with our Indian steps and had a ball of time. They also took us to see snow in the Harz Mountain and also for seeing a German play directed by Michael's father. I cannot thank them enough for showing us so many things in Hamburg and also making us smile and laugh by funny incidents and stories. Michael also learnt some Hindi words and he often mixed “chalo chalein” with “jalo jalein”.

We wished that 1 week should extend for some more days, but then we had to come back to Magdeburg. I saw them again before I left for India and then we somehow lost touch. It was only 2 yrs back that I met them on Facebook again and got their e-mail ids and wrote to them. They were happy to get in touch with me again and when I told them about my trip to Germany and my wish to meet them, they were more than happy and we again met in Magdeburg after 7 yrs.

But this time, they both looked so different. They were no longer together as husband-wife and they seemed more like friends to me. It was a bit odd for me to see them like this as I had seen them together in Hamburg and they looked like a prince and princess forever in love. But nothing is permanent I guess, not even love or? We met for 2 hrs and spoke about different things and events and people and I wanted to ask them badly, what was wrong, what was missing, but as Atul was around, I couldn’t ask them. Only after I spoke to Michael later I knew the reason behind a maintained distance between them.

Michael narrated that while they were still married, Sina had to go to Vienna for an internship and there she met somebody and fell in love with him. She even got pregnant with that person’s child and later she gave birth to a baby boy. She realized her mistake and left that man and wanted to come back to Michael. Michael felt cheated and it was not possible for him to rise above his shadow, is what he said. I think he meant here that he could not forgive her and take her and her child back in his life. I do not know if any other person would have done that either, but then this was the reason why their divorce came through. Now Sina stays with her 5 year old child and no partner and Michael stays with his new partner in Hamburg. They have an understanding now that they will meet regularly whenever in Magdeburg and will be good friends with each other, they will be for each other in difficult times for help and support. So they came together to meet me as usually friends would do.

When I got to know this, I tried to compare it with the Indian setting. The German episode was much simpler and bland. Michael and Sina left each other and are still meeting each other whenever possible. Cut to the same story in India, in a middle class family, how much emotional turmoil, tensions, bouts of anger, depression, blame games etc. would come into picture. It is very natural as we attach a lot of value to relationships between a husband and a wife and it is considered to be the most sacred and infidelity is a heinous act and it does not have any forgiveness, at least in my eyes. Any average Indian would agree to it, I suppose. However, the definitions of character, fidelity are rapidly changing in a metro city. For me, it would still remain the same and I could understand why Michael backed out and opted for a divorce. But, their understanding that they would meet up regularly whenever possible and be good friends with each other is something difficult to imagine in a typical Indian scenario. With such an ease and smiling face, facing one’s ex-wife or ex-husband is not very comfortable thing at least in a middle class Indian family, I appreciate Michael for this and I am sure he has forgiven Sina. Sina might have also repented on her mistake, but it was too late by then. She lost Michael, who loved her dearly and for whom her happiness was next to God.

Would some Manohar Lele or Gandhi or Kamble forgive his wife Kusum Manohar Lele/Gandhi/Kamble for cheating on him and then be “good” friends with her later, meet up with her kid and be good to him as well? I think, you know the answer already 

Susanne Meier

I met Susanne at one lecture in the university initially.

She seemed very friendly and helpful and she helped me to locate another lecture and also helped me to get a special tram pass for students of the university. She was very active with the university group for students and they especially helped new and foreign students like us to get into different courses and help them in getting stabilised at the university. She also helped me to get around the city and move in trams and also told me what all is there at the campus. She was a quiet girl, didn't talk much or rather was not noticed by other Germans. I found her very approachable and soon became friends with her. We attended one lecture together and one day while waiting for the lecturer, I offered her my orange, which I was eating. She was so happy that she thanked me again and again. Generally Germans do not offer their food is what I observed in the class or in the mensa (canteen). And we Indians have the habit of asking everyone around and offering our food. So, I offered it to her in my usual way as I would have done in India too. She took that as a nice gesture and then became my pal in the university.

She invited me to her house and showed me her Indian movie collection, made me tea and gave me cake to eat. Her parents also know me by name very well by now. We also promised each other that we would keep in touch with each other and then did that for a few years, but again lost touch as she would not reply to me in time or when expected and I thought that she is not interested to keep in touch. But then again, somehow, we again started mailing each other regularly after I sent her my wedding snaps. She was surprised as I had not announced it to her earlier and I directly sent her the snaps. She was happy to see them and from then onwards, we mailed each other regularly.

I visited her this time in a small town called Bad Laasphe, which is a very cosy, little, sleepy town. She taught in the school there and she had a nice big flat near the school. She was very happy with her life as she was quite settled in the school, had nice colleagues in school. She taught Philosophy and English to Class 5, 6, 9, 12. She had a nice, huge study room and had a huge collection of books, music etc. She was meticulous in her work and had kept her house very clean and tidy and also prepared her lessons which she would take in the school the next day. She took me around the small town that evening when I arrived there. We couldn't see much as it was snowing and the shops were all closed at 6 pm. She showed me the school in which she was going to take me the following morning.

She had once written to me some 6 months back that she lost her boyfriend in an accident, with whom she was planning to get married and settle down. I did not know what to write back to her. I couldn't console her on mail; I did not if my words would have stopped the tears which were flowing down her cheeks. I was fearful to broach the topic again as I knew it would again take her back to those painful memories and disturb her. But somehow, she herself broached the topic. And explained to me what exactly had happened and how it was not his fault, someone else came from the wrong side and hit the motorcycle, which her boyfriend was riding. Generally accidents of this kind are not life fearing, people do survive the injuries, but in this case and their bad luck, both of them died on the spot. She was at least happy that they both had talked for an hour in the morning and she could speak to him in his last few moments. They were supposed to meet in the evening which did not happen. She worked in another town and he also was away for work in some other place. They both met up in Magdeburg, when they came over for the weekend. But this time it turned out to be a meeting of different type. His mother called up in the afternoon to tell her that he is dead and her whole world collapsed. She was in shock and trauma, but had to attend his funeral. She grieved in her heart and could never forget him.

She later got an opportunity to teach in a state school in Bad Laasphe and so she moved her. She made a fresh and new beginning. But as we all know, memories of the person we love travel with us everywhere and anywhere we go. She was no different. She showed me all their happy times clicked away in photographs and I felt very bad for her. Why did it happen to her? She found him so late and by such a difficulty and then he was gone in a second. It is difficult to get someone who is really your types, she said, which is so very true. But now she was all alone in this new town and was trying to be brave and live a life without him. But one thing which also touched me that she was hopeful of finding someone again in life. She also wanted to get married and get kids like other Germans and this was very brave of her, I think. She truly believed that life has to move on and that one has to go ahead and not get bogged down with whatever happened in the past.

She also told me about a few very personal things, which otherwise a German wouldn’t have disclosed to anyone. She was upset with her boyfriend’s mother because he was buried next to his father and generally it is the custom that the husband and wife rest in peace together after their respective deaths. But his mother was not ready to buy her dead son other piece of land even in his last journey and Susanne could not understand why she did that. She also added that the money which she got as death insurance was given to his brother, whose bike was damaged in the accident and on which her boyfriend had lost his life. She was also sad to know this as she felt that his mother was again being partial to this son of hers. Susanne had requested to be in the flat where he used to stay for just one night after his death, one last time, to gather herself and the time she spent with him. But then again his mother refused and told her that she is crazy to do that and that she should refrain from doing it and move on. His mother would have thought something when she said no, but then there was a communication gap between them, as it always happens with 2 generations, who are very different from each other. So, Susanne is just keeping mum and she said that she would never forgive his mother for not giving him a place of his own to rest even after his death.

How much importance is given to a person after his death was a debatable point here. But then the mother and Susanne were right in their own standpoint, I suppose! Susanne still calls his mom and brother, just for the sake of it. She doesn't think that his mother understood her well and would have accepted her well even if they had got married.

I prayed for her and wished that she really get someone who would be with her all her life and love her with all his heart. She is a very kind and good human being and she does not deserve anyone less.

I just switched back to the Indian scene. Again, the same emotions were visible to me. I am not sure how an average middle class girl would have dealt with the sudden death of her boy-friend or someone whom she was going to marry. She would have collapsed completely and would have taken a longer time to come out of it, I suppose. Would she have kept contact with his parents? How would have her parents and the society treated her after his death? Would she have become independent so fast and with such ease? In Indian society, we attach more importance to others and society than to ourselves. Women are always taught to adjust in any conditions and consider the male partner (her husband) as next to god. If he is no longer there, then it becomes difficult to sustain in this world as there is so much of emotional and economic dependency on him. I would again like to add here that the times are changing and women are independent enough to give their life a direction when their partner is no more.

I am sure that God has planned something good for Susanne and she will surely be happy soon. So, I bid her farewell after attending a Class 5 lecture of hers and wished that next time I meet her; she should have happy tales to tell me about her life.

Doreen Kabsch

I met this lady when I joined my current organization. I was working as language translator in my first ever project in the new organization and she was the first onshore lady to come to Indian offshore team and as I was proficient in German, we got along with each other very well. She spoke very fast and was always very enthusiastic and on her toes all the time. She was extremely hard working and efficient and energetic. She came to the office at 8:30 am sharp and was there till late evening. The first time she came to India made her lose her patience as we all know the great difference between India and Germany in almost all respects. She took some 2 months to get used to the Indian pace of working and then she was almost Indianized after a few months.

She loved Gobi Manchurian and fried rice and ate very spicy food. She travelled all over India alone and was not complaining about the dirt and pollution and over-crowding anymore. She explained things to her Indian colleagues a thousand times without getting irritated; she was always fresh and smiling, no matter what the day of the week was. She was always eager to learn about India and she loved Indian weddings. I remember going with her shopping for a sari, which we bought in half an hour and another hour to buy her accessories. She attended the wedding of an Indian colleague very enthusiastically and was all the time snapping pictures and asking the meaning of rituals which were taking place. She was surprised to see that 1000 people came in for the wedding and everything was taking place so smoothly. It was difficult for her to understand that how can so many people just walk in without prior notification or confirmation. I tried to explain her that it is the way Indian weddings usually take place unlike the German weddings, where you need to confirm, if you are coming, as it is all planned in advance and involves lot of cost etc. Not that the Indian weddings are not planned or are less costly, but we just somehow manage and survive in the chaos, isn't it?

Doreen was always ready for challenges and different fun games and activities which took place in the team. She was ready for going to outings, picnics and enjoyed every moment of the time she spent in the team. She had called us for her birthday party and what planning she had done for it, truly commendable. So many eatables, drinks and games and different arrangements, only she could have managed. We all loved it and very pleasantly surprised to know that such stuff can be also procured in Bangalore. I invited her for dinner before she left for Germany and she was more than happy to oblige. I gifted her a home-made candle and she proudly kept it on her table all the time she was in India.

But when she came back after a year, I found her very low and disinterested and sad. I got to know that her partner of 15 yrs suddenly broke up with her. It was difficult for her to come to terms with it and accept it. India trip came in handy and she tried her best to forget the time she spent with her partner. Is it so easy to just forget such a long span together? No, it is not easy and it showed in her behaviour everyday. She was trying hard to smile, but the pain in her heart was clear in her eyes. She maintained a distance from everyone so that no one came closer to her and would see the tears in her eyes. This was a short trip of hers and she went back soon. I was in touch with her all the while and after a few months she was happy to tell me that she was seeing someone again and has found someone. But this time he was 5 years younger to her. I told her as long as you both are happy with each other, age shouldn't matter. It was so easy for me to say this to her and she also seemed quite happy about it until I met her day before yesterday.

She was going to Manila on a vacation with her boyfriend and told me that it is the beginning of the end. Oh, there she goes again, I thought. What is wrong with her now? Things seemed fine and now she is saying that she has to begin the search again? She was very independent woman and getting tied down to family and husband was a bit difficult for her and she feared to commit, but she loved babies and was the god-mother of all her friends babies. She told me ruefully looking at the pictures of all her friends and their families which were on the walls of her flat that, “look all my friends already have families and husbands and kids and I am yet to get married.” She was trying to be brave in saying this and I knew that somewhere deep inside she was sad and lonely and wanted to be in a family with her husband. But then I was not able to understand what exactly was stopping her from doing so and why was she not able to commit a long term relationship with her current partner. She might have her own reasons of independence and compatibility etc., but still it was a high time that she gave a thought to what she really wanted and where she wants to stop and relax and settle down.

Isn’t Doreen also a depiction of modern urbane woman in metro cities of India today? Even they are running the rat race to reach somewhere up the ladder, earning loads of money only to want more money, forgetting the direction in which they are actually going and giving the roles of being a wife and a mother a backseat? Every person has a right to decide what she/he really wants in life and where she/he wants to head, but in that pursuit one should not lose the basic core of his/her existence. God has made woman so tender and soft and loving that virtues like caring, sharing, being emotional about things and people come to her naturally. Why should she hide it and try to be like a macho man and continue running after money and forget the very essence of her femininity? I do not say that kitchen, home and kids should be her only domain, but they should not be given a back seat at any cost is what I sincerely feel.

I just wished Doreen that she gets the love of her life and gets settled with the person whom she would like to be with all her life.

What are woman really made of? I am sure God also has now forgotten why and how he made them.

Do let me know which of these real-life people got really close to you and touched you in their own way?


Thank you for your time and patience.

Being Different

Initially, I knew him only as my music teacher’s son.

I am a great devotee of music. Any type of music which soothes nerves and lights up the mood is revered by me and then languages do not pose any barrier anymore. The melodies, the rhythms, those different sounds in the songs are enough to help me transcend in a different world. I have heard many songs in different languages and have a collection of German, Spanish, Hindi, English, Marathi, Kannada and Tamil songs. I listen to them often and now have most of the songs by heart. I also try to understand the meaning of the songs so that they stick around with me for a longer time. I can listen to songs and write, do my work. Music has made me excel is multi-tasking.

My mom had recognised his flair of mine when I was very young and she was the one who persuaded me to start learning music. I started with a few friends from my school who came to the same music teacher, but learnt playing harmonium and I started learning Hindustani classical vocal music. The music teacher was a very aged and experienced person, so it was a bit difficult for me to connect with him at that time, when I think of it now. He was more like a Guru and we his disciples who were born only to commit mistakes and listen to the harsh comments of the guru. Today the relationship of “guru” and “shisya” is very dynamic and evolving. I somehow managed to give 2 levels with him and then discontinued learning as I had to concentrate on my studies. 15-17 years ago, it was not very common to pursue a full time career in singing as it is on rampant nowadays. Today, you turn on any channel on the Television, it has to be some or the other music reality or dance show playing out there, which has so much of emotional drama and gimmicks. That is not pure learning and practising at all, but who cares anyways. Just for a few bucks, people are ready to come on television and get famous, though for a little time only.

So, I concentrated on studies like a good girl and then got good marks in 10th and chose to do Arts. People thought I was crazy but my parents supported me fully. I loved languages and hated Maths and Science. I started learning German along with my college, finished degree and then opted for doing Post graduation in German. I also started teaching German as I was doing MA. And I also felt the need to restart my music classes. That is when I came to know about this lady, whom I will call Ms. D. She stayed close by and the timings of the classes were also suitable for me. After coming from the university, learning music was a good recreation and gave me some change from the daily routine and helped me concentrate better in my studies too.

When I told Ms. D that I teach German, she was happy and told me very enthusiastically that her son S (I will call him S here) also learns German in the University and it turned out that he learnt German in another batch on Sundays where even I was teaching and his teacher was a good friend of mine, my senior in MA. So, this is how I got to know S. He was very intelligent and bright. He played Sitar and he was a good student in college and he was always into experiments of various types. He also won a golden leaf from NASA is what Ms. D told me proudly. He loved cycling and adventure sports and always wrote keenly about the places he visited. I had met him in the university once or twice and he seemed a very quiet and shy fellow. But then we met again in a common e-group later and got to know him better. We talked about languages, music and also other things of our common interest. I attended his sitar rendition and he used to be there when we had singing programmes with Ms. D. We had a good friendship and rapport. He had even offered to create a website for my poems and every time we met, he said sorry for not having met for at least discussing it. I used to be happy that at least he thought of it. That was just enough. I was not a great poet or something and my poems were very personal and I was not comfortable showing it to everybody and anybody.

He had even come to see me off at the station when I moved to another city. He had sacrificed Bryan Adam’s concert for my engagement and he had happily clicked snaps of ours and later gave them to me without me even mentioning about them once. Such was he, a bit reserved, very good at heart and ready to help others in need. However, he suddenly left the e-group in which we were common members and also there was a gap of a few years after I moved to another city for job purposes. We were frequently in touch on mails and on chat. I knew that he was doing a job in a good company for 2-3 yrs to gain experience and then he quit and then re-located to another country. Generally when people go for higher education, it is very likely that they settle there. I still hadn’t any clue about the real reason behind his re-location. He seemed a lot aloof and unconcerned nowadays. But that was his trait and was known in his close circuit of friends. So, I did not pay much attention and continued to talk to him whenever I saw him online and yes I never forgot to wish him on his birthday. I sent him a mail every year and he acknowledged it without fail. Whenever I asked him about returning to India, he would say he would never return. There was a question mark in my head after this negative answer of his, which got answered only some years later.

It was when a common friend of ours visited me in July last year did I realise that everything which seemed normal with S was actually not. We randomly were speaking about our common friends when the topic of S came up and I asked him if he plans to settle down there or come back here. That was when she told me that he was not like me or her or any other person. He was having a steady male partner since past 2 yrs in that country and they plan to get married soon. I was blank for a few minutes. I couldn’t imagine S like this. She also told me that in that country same sex marriages are normal, accepted well and legalised and no one takes any offence if someone is a lesbian or a gay. In India, it is also slowly taking roots, but full fledged acceptance is still a long way to go and that is the reason, why he chose to be away from this country, his family and friends.

I learnt that his family was very supportive of him in his decision and his mom even visited them him and his partner abroad. She was quite happy that they both are quite serious of settling down with each other. His maternal uncle is also settled there and his family is also there to help him in case he needs them. His sister, who is younger than him, accepted it too and visited them without any hassles and reproach. I was really amazed to see such broad mindedness of his parents, who gave birth to him and brought him up. What might have been their first reaction when they learnt about it? I am sure it might be one of confusion, anger; they must have had lots of questions in their minds about knowing the truth. But, I am equally sure that they all handled it perfectly well and managed and carried it off well too!! They did not ask him to re-consider his decision, they might have, but then they also respected how their son is like and how he wants to be. They accepted him as he was and did not bother about the society or the repercussions of his decision. They wanted him to be happy and fully responsible for whatever way he decides to live. It requires a lot of courage and guts to support someone who is swimming against the tide and in a so-called orthodox community like mine; it would have been surely looked down upon. He neither chose to hide his sexuality from anyone nor made it public. His close friends knew it and they were very much the same with him as they were before. The fair weather friends deserted him and left him alone. How alone he would have felt at that time. I felt so sorry for him; I did not have any words to console him at that time. That time was gone and I did not know. And now he seemed so fine and normal to me that I did not feel the need to broaching this topic in front of him again.

Choosing the life and sexuality one desires is a right in itself, is what I feel. If a person is responsible enough and knows what he/she is doing, then others should not have any problem. You might feel that I am saying this because it happened to one of my close friends and the moral health of society would suffer and ruin the future generations. But society is called a society because it is made of different people and people are bound to be different in their ways, attitudes, mannerisms, background etc. So, integrating every different individual under one big common roof is the very fabric of the society. If we just start segregating people on the basis of sexuality, caste, race, diseases (AIDS), no one would be left to be a member to the society and we can never move ahead and develop and become tolerant towards one another.

Western countries give a lot of attention to individualism and one is free there to stay the way one wants. India, being a big and populous and close knit country, will take little more time to accept such a difference and welcome such people whole heartedly. But, I am sure, it will definitely happen. I am sure there might be people in your vicinity too, who have a different sexuality, but you may never know about it. They look so normal, isn't it? Then why not accept them as they are and let them know that their individualism is not above any other thing and that they are first valued as human beings and not as some ill and different people?

I am not sure if S knows that I am aware of the reason behind his relocation. I do not care if he knows it either. My relation with him has not changed because of this new piece of information and we continue to talk as good old friends. I felt a little bad about his not disclosing it to me, but then it was entirely his choice and life. As I said earlier, he neither chooses to hide it now or disclose it. He has accepted it well and is happy with whatever life he is leading now. And I am happy for him. At least he dared to choose a life he wanted to live and did not get pressurized or bogged down due to of any emotional baggage. He was quite logical in whatever he did and yes he also followed his heart.

What if you happen to get to know that your colleague/ school friend is a lesbian or gay? How would you react? I know it is an individual choice and decision whether to accept or not accept such a relationship. But still I would like to know your thoughts on it.

Being different is also being at least something!!

To be or not to be

When Shakespeare wrote this quotation in his famous play, Hamlet, he wouldn’t have imagined that time and again this historic quotation of his would be repeated by one and all in many occasions at many times. Yet again, I take the help of that famous quotation to depict my state of mind in the recent 2-3 days.

Every year around this time of the month, the atmosphere in office is usually filled with lot of anticipations, anxieties, bouts of nervousness and sometimes happiness too. This is that time when the annual appraisal takes place and we get to know the ratings based on our performance during the year. My company follows the September to August cycle unlike many other MNCs. So, towards the end of August, there is lot of discussion which happens in almost every bay and people are patiently waiting for their turns when the manager calls upon them and tells them the rating, which the senior management has evaluated in their own way against so many parameters. The rating is generally fixed much earlier, only that it is communicated to us now.

I also took turn to know the rating and yes, I was also promoted to the next level…

I had so many ideas in my head about the rating and the promotion. I was jumping in joy (all in mind, office requires certain etiquettes, doesn’t it) at the very thought of promotion. I have seen people, who had less experience and knowledge than me climb the ladders of success in office, reasons, whatever. I was expecting a promotion due to my performance and other initiatives and being flexible and open to all the critical deadlines. At least, I thought so…

After waiting impatiently for 2 days, my manager finally called me and told me my rating first and there went my bubbled balloon. Burst!!!! I was compared with other Developers inspite of being a translator and even my manager knew that it is not fair. But company policies are such that one has to follow them, no matter whether they really make sense or are good for the employees. I was also told by my manager that I am a better performer than what my rating denotes and that he was very happy with my current trend of performance. He added a few improvement areas that I need to be visible and outspoken in my work. I had thought all this while that my work will speak for itself and that I need not shout it aloud to others sounding as if only I am working in this whole universe. I need to let other people know, it seems, that I am working so much per day and giving so and so output and that I am very much a part of this thing and that thing too, other than just putting 9 hrs into work.

I found this very funny. For people like me, who believe that we come to office for putting sincere efforts in our work and not to while time and that being serious and sincere in work life takes us a long way, this was a great blow. I ought to be visible to my seniors in what way? Dabble with everything and everyone in the project and let them know that look, I am here too and I need attention too. Please give me attention and your time as I am very special human being on this earth.

No, I do no think I can ever do that. I can never act like my senior who does everything else, but work. She is into client meetings, with high profile management people, who hardly know her to the core, who is utter clumsy and forgetful in her work, who needs help of someone else in every thing she does. But, yes, she is undoubtedly the attention seeking queen, who creates a very good impression on one and everybody she meets with her sweet and sugary talks. Sometimes, I feel that I ought to learn something from people like her and then even I would be in the limelight for wrong reasons.

But! There is something called “inner voice”, isn’t it? My conscience doesn’t permit me this, nor my values and upbringing and that is the reason perhaps that I am far far behind my peers, who have been aggressive and have become managers in a short span of time. But I am happy with whatever I am today, at least at the end of the day, I come back home satisfied with whatever work I do. I can have a good night sleep without any nightmares of something which I messed up.

And I almost forget in all this rating thing that my manager had also told me that I have promoted and have moved to the next level?

But I did not jump in joy on hearing that. I could not feel any sense of exhilaration in me. I couldn’t feel myself floating like a cloud in the skies. My mood was already off by listening that even I have the usual rating which 80 % of the public might have got. All my close friends congratulated me. For them getting promoted was far more important than getting a decent rating. That is the usual way to look at it and because they loved me and wanted to cheer me up; they said all these things, isn't it?

I did not know whether to be happy because I got promoted or feel bad about the fact that all the things which I did all this year were not good enough to get a better rating and that I need to put in more efforts. What more can a translator actually does when he/she is not even mapped to a common umbrella called capability, where we would be rated against other translators and not developers or testers.

So the question still haunts me,

to be happy or not to be..

to be satisfied with whatever I got or strive for more which I am not sure if I will get inspite of good work..

to be thankful to God for whatever he gave me or complain to him that he is not always fair to me in many aspects…

to enjoy the promotion and count my blessings and the good wishes of all those who love me or fret and fume and spoil the joy of getting promoted..

So, I chose to adopt the first option. I pat my back for getting promoted, treated myself with Café Frappe in CCD. Moving one level up is also one achievement of it’s kind and in a span of less than 3 yrs at work, it is a very good going! One should learn to accept whatever comes their way and take it into his/her stride.

I am going to celebrate this happy moment in my life by going out for dinner with my hubby and a bunch of close friends.

Wanna join?

The end or the beginning

There are no answers to certain questions in this world. Though we have reached the moon and have almost everything in this world accessible at the click of the button, still there are some aspects of human life and it’s functioning, which have been intriguing the scientists and doctors even today. What happens when a person dies? Where does his so-called soul go? If the soul or mind is present in the body, why can’t it be photographed or depicted graphically in a MRI or a body scan? What happens when the mind and body co-ordination fails? There might be many theoretical answers to these questions which may seem to be real, but nothing has been proven yet. And that’s why it makes a human life all the more precious and that is the reason why it should be cherished and looked after well. It is a combination of so many cells, nerves, tissues, bones, oxygen, and blood. I may have missed a few other vital elements too. And yes, how can one forget the super boss, the brain which supervises the functions of other organs so that we can carry out the regular day-to-day activities.

The development of this super boss is a bit late when we talk about the inception. But it is indeed amazing to see a fetus in the womb of its mother. I think it is just like magic or a miracle which takes shape in a period of 9 months. The month by month development of the baby is backed by so many back-end operations, isn’t it? The final product is a baby of flesh and blood readied by tireless efforts of every small organ in the reproductive system of a woman and then later in the body of the baby itself. But then why are some women not able to be a part of this miracle? Why can’t they be the medium of bringing a throbbing baby to life? Again, there are scientific explanations of why some women are unable to conceive. There are innumerous treatments available in the market, which I think have mushroomed everywhere like any other business assuring harried couples that even they can be a part of this miracle. Earlier this very phenomenon occurred without any complications and was very natural and easy. My mom never went for scan or a gynecologist every month to get herself checked and for me it has become so difficult to bring her grandchild in this world.

I have been married for close to 4 years now. I have always loved babies from the time, I do not even remember now. First two years of marriage were spent in adjusting emotionally and physically with my husband and when we both thought that we are ready to start a family, I underwent a scan just to check everything was ok. It started trying at that time, but then after repeated and sincere efforts, nothing was coming through. I consulted the gynecologist once again and she suggested that I go for a scan so that we would be able to know if any assistance was required. That scan showed that the follicle size in the ovaries is not mature enough to ovulate (release an egg). No natural egg release means no scope for the fertilization to happen and no scope of a baby being born out of it. That doctor advised me to take some injections to artificially stimulate the follicles so that they release egg. I was never very pro for such kinds of medical treatments which are rampant nowadays. There are so many side-effects that one has to suffer after these treatments, that one would be left thinking it is better to be childless than to suffer so much. Though the technology and science have advanced in leaps and bounds in the past 10 years, there is no single medical treatment, I believe, which swears that it is harmless to the body and does not have any side-effects. I somehow was not convinced and didn’t get time to do that session of injections and artificial stimulation.

We were trying on and off for about 8 to 10 months. I reduced my weight thinking that obese people can’t conceive easily. I literally starved myself to be able to conceive effortlessly. I am sure; it must have done some damage to the body, which can’t be traced medically. Now that we were again very serious about starting the family and it hadn’t happened yet, we decided to visit an infertility clinic. The problem was obviously in me as his reports were all normal. So I got another scan done, in which this time, to my utter disappointment there were no follicles at all. And there was a cyst sitting right there very proudly laughing at my state. Cysts are also a major contributor to infertility and inability to conceive. No follicle in the ovaries this time left me sad and upset. Instead of having made a positive development by taking proper diet, reducing my weight, doing exercises, staying happy and calm, the growth of follicles had got regressed in the ovaries. Is there any explanation for this? The doctor has no answer, he says it happens, it is very common. This month there are no follicles does not mean that there won’t be any in the next cycle either. There is no particular pattern in which the body behaves every month. Nothing can be predicted, nothing can be assured, and we can just keep hoping is what I derived from that doctor’s talks.

This doctor wants me to take injections and stop the menses for 3 months. He wants to create a tendency called pseudo-menopause, which he believes will cure me of the pain during menses and also relieve me of cysts which are nothing but bad eggs, that can’t become a baby. Stopping a natural phenomenon which had been occurring from the past 16 years is a very scary thing for me. The reaction of that drug on the mental and physical health should also be considered. My husband believes that stopping the menses is logical enough and we should go for a second opinion (only because I am not comfortable with this very idea) and then decide the course of action. He also has his own logical reasons saying that I need not be upset about it at all and should be happy that at least the problem is identified. Had I been born 100 years ago, everybody would have cursed me for not being able to bear a child and the family and the society would have ostracized me and would have made my life a living hell.

I agree completely with him that things have changed a lot in the past 100 years. But then is it not “normal” enough to feel bad on being a failure in this regard when all my near and dear friends are becoming proud mothers and fathers seeing and commenting the smallest development of their child. Has the emotionality of ladies changed over the past 100 years? Have they stopped feeling sad or getting upset because they have become financially and emotionally so advanced now? No, I do not think so. There is a mother hidden in every woman, there is a motherly tendency in every little girl or woman and some are fortunate enough to become mothers in real to their kids and some just remain foster mothers only. So even though I know that my problem is not the end of my world and existence, it has shaken me to a large extent and I would definitely require time to come back to normal. I will take a second opinion and that doctor would tell me something new and may confuse me still further. But I have to be hopeful. Praying, chanting, being helpful and cheerful would definitely bring me something good, though late was what I believed all this while, but then my medical condition and reports have forced me to re-consider it. Why it had to be me? What harm have I done to anyone that this happiness of becoming a mother is constantly evading me month after month? What wrong am I doing to my body that the body is just not able to produce something which is so common in all other women?

Is this an end of all my hopes and aspirations to become a mother or is this is a temporary pause for something big coming my way in future or is this a new beginning of self-realization that there are many other good things in life to cherish and enjoy and contribute rather than crying over something which is just unexplainable and out of my scope and anybody’s understanding?

Only time will tell.

Forgiving and letting it go

I was flooded with congratulatory calls from all over the place, and I simply didn't know how to handle so much of attention as I was not at all used to it. I used to write some essays and stories and poems once a while, and that was a hit amongst all my good friends. I always thought that it was their goodness that they appreciate my work so much and I didn't have much of a potential to be on par with Arundhati Ghosh or Anita Desai or someone like their contemporaries. But only my book of short stories won the best national book, I truly believed that I can also write well. My close friends were immensely happy. My school mates, college friends, heaped praises on me. My in-laws were also there to bless me. My parents were amazed to see this side of me as I had never revealed it to them that I also write occasionally. One more feather added to the cap beamed my parents. I was always good at academics, good at work, a good daughter, wife and a daughter-in-law, a good mother to my twins, and now a good writer too!

*************************************************************

Amongst the first calls to congratulate me was my old friend from the ACC Company, Jitendra, who was a great inspirer and who pulled me back to serious writing. I had written a few poems in college, and I loved writing essays and long descriptive answers in the exam. But I took too seriously penning down my thoughts about issues and people around me after Jitendra showed me his writings. He told me that I need to cultivate this habit, and he used to regularly ask me to write about things that bothered me, pained me, and made me happy. I started writing small essays on things that were near to my heart and slowly started venturing into short stories also. The first draft was always sent to Jitendra, who would review my style and punctuations and sentence structures etc. He also gave me tips to improve my vocabulary and choice of words and also commented on my progress on the same. So, he was more happy and excited when I had submitted my book to the jury of the award. And he was surer than I was that I will definitely win the prize this year. Finally, when the award was announced on Television, the phone rang, and I picked it up.

Jitendra: Hello, it's me!! See, I had told you that you are a sure winner this time. My words came true!

I: Yes, Jitendra, thanks to you. You were always the beacon in this phase of my life, and I can never thank you for your support and encouragement.

Jitendra: Of course, you can! You can treat me with Pizza @ Dominos, and then we make the usual trip to Sapna Bookhouse. You should give me the signed copy of your book with now the award-winning author tag!

I (laughing loudly): Oh Jitendra, you haven't changed a bit. You still remember the good old days we used to go for a Pizza party and our regular trips to Sapna book house. Yes, it has been a long time that we caught up with each other and discussed movies and books and music. When do you want to meet up?

Jitendra: On Saturday? Is it a good time for you? Hope Akash and your kids aren't upset that you are out on a Saturday morning.

I: Oh no, not at all. The kids have some workshop at school, so I will drop them to the venue and will meet you at 11 @ Sapna book house. We do the books browsing, book signing ceremony there, and push off to Dominos. Akash is out of the town, I must say out of the country. He will be only back by Sunday evening, and the kids will get free by 4 pm on Saturday. So, we will have a lot of time to talk, and yes, I also want to discuss a few things with you. I need your expert advice as always.

Jitendra (smiles): Anytime for you, dear, sure, not a problem, I will buzz you at about 10 on Saturday to confirm and shall meet you then. And yes, heartiest congratulations on winning this award. You deserved it.

I: Thank you very much for the kind words, Jitendra, see you on Saturday then.

Jitendra: Yes, definitely, take care, bye!

I: Bye!

********************************************************
I put the phone and smiled to myself. How some things never change with time, and they get better and better with time just like the grandma's pickles, which only tastes better and better with the passing days or like an old wine which tastes best after many years of processing. Some friends like Jitendra have helped me grow out of my shell and inhibitions, and how can I ever thank them for showing me the path to be happy and be myself? Sameer, Kshitij have always been my backbones in Bangalore and there is no time in the day when I can't call them for help or for just talking my heart out. Even during my initial struggle with bringing up twins, they both have helped me babysit one of the babies when no one was in town with me. Akash was always touring and his or my parents then stayed with me to take care of the babies. Sometimes, when they couldn't manage Sameer or his wife or Kshitij would come over after office and help me feed the babies and play with them. They all dot on Manas and Asawari so much that I feel we all are one big family living together happily.

Just like Sameer and Kshitij, Jitendra has also been there whenever I had to talk and sort out things with people, with whom I was working part-time or any small problem which would upset me. When I meet Jitendra on Saturday, I will tell him about this person who has come back in my life after a good 10 long years. And I am not sure what to do with him and should I talk to him, meet him and sort things out or just ignore and let him be? One voice was saying that I should at least meet him once and sort things out and another voice was saying that if all these years, he never bothered to get in touch, why has he come now? What does he want now? Let the past be past and let's move on with whatever we have now. No, I couldn't even talk this with Akash as he has a totally different view on all these emotional and sentimental things. He would not be able to sense the pain and hurt which I sensed when that person deserted me for no fault of mine. He would not be able to understand that I kept asking the question to myself all these years, what had I done that such a treatment was meted out to me? And now when I have forgotten all that had happened, it has popped up again in my life.

************************************************************
I was my usual chirpy self on a January morning in 2007 and was looking forward to talking to my maternal brother, who is in Pune to ask him what he wants as his birthday gift. I dialed the landline number and my Mami (my mom's brother's wife) received the call and she sounded very cold and withdrawn, unlike on other days. When I asked her what gift I should give Tanmay on his birthday, which is on 16th January, she said that I should talk to my mama (maternal uncle) and she is not the right person to ask and she cut the call. I couldn't understand why she behaved the way she did that day but then dismissed the thought thinking she might not be well or maybe she had some tension of Tanmay's studies. Immediately my uncle called from the other side and told me to send a gift voucher as Tanmay's birthday gift and when I asked him what was wrong with Mami, he told me the same reason that she was busy with Tanmay's studies and that is the reason she cut the call short. I took that for a reason, valid enough, and forgot about it the next moment. I went to the superstores and got the gift voucher and also sent him a hand-made greeting card along with the gift voucher. Tanmay could buy anything he wanted from this coupon and as he loved eating and had an interest in apparel, this would help him chose whatever is trendy and fashionable. So, he would be able to choose from a wide range of clothes and also check out some eateries.

I have seen Tanmay from the day he was born. My Aaji (grandmother) stayed in Pune with my mama, Sudhakar, and his wife Manjusha. They both loved me like their own kids. Especially Sudhakar uncle was attached more to me as I was the only daughter of his only sister and he doted on me like crazy. As a child, he used to take me to parks, gardens would give me sweets and toys and he never could see me cry. He pampered me a lot and I also liked him a lot. As I grew up, I shared with him my school studies and tensions, then college worries and everything about my world. He was someone who listened to me patiently, gave me comfort in stressful situations, made me laugh when I was down and would cheer me up when I needed some push. After Tanmay was born, his affection towards me didn't become any less and he treated me like his own daughter. Tanmay was also very sweet and innocent as a child and he always played with me calling me by different names, sometimes, tai, Munni, munnu tai. My name was Mrignaini, which he could never pronounce and I also didn't bother to get my name right from his mouth as whatever he called me was sweeter than anything else.

Whenever I visited my Aaji in Pune, we all used to talk about various things, would go out to parks and temples. We used to dine out together, at least once when I was there as it was the only time when Sudhakar mama and Tanmay got to eat non-vegetarian food with me. I used to eat only butter chicken then and used to have it only with them, once in 6 months or so. We watched a lot of movies and plays together. We used to play cards, housie, scrabble together and use to laugh our lives out while playing. Tanmay and I fought a lot, though there was an age gap of 16 yrs between us, that was also a lot of fun. We used to fight just for the heck of it. The next moment we used to be friends. All my summer holidays were always spent with them and I was always happy with them and they were happy to have me.

*************************************************************
My mom called me after I sent the gift voucher to Tanmay. She sounded very serious and wanted to talk something urgent. I asked her what's the matter and she told me it is about Sudhakar mama. I was afraid for a second and thought that he might have met with an accident or something, but that was not the case.

Mom: Please do not call Sudhakar mama or Manjusha Mami henceforth.

I: What are you saying? Are they shifting or something? Do you have a new number?

Mom: Listen to me carefully Mrignaini; let it sink properly whatever I am going to tell you now. Please think about it carefully and then decide what you want to do.

I: Oh mom, please do not create suspense out of this, tell me please, what is the matter?

Mom: Neither Sudhakar nor Manjusha like you calling them now and then.

I: Oh, what happened? Do I trouble them or something?

Mom: The day before you called Manjusha to ask about the gift, there was a huge fight between Sudhakar and Aaji.

I: A fight, why?

Mom: In that argument, Manjusha aunty accused me of stealing her jewelry during the time of your wedding.

I: What are you saying mom, what is this about?

Mom: From the past few days, uncle and aunty are not talking to your Aaji properly and when she confronted them, they said that it is about me and you and that we have made their lives miserable. Manjusha added that she saw me giving the same box to Akash's mom during your wedding, which she was not able to see in her jewelry box for a few days now. Your Aaji asked her then why didn't she tell her about the same then and there and that Aaji would have confronted me on the same. I have everything in written which I bought for your wedding and Aaji knows that very well. But then they didn't have anything substantial to back it up and just said that we both are a nuisance in their lives. So, I am telling you not to call them or talk to them further as they do not want to keep any contacts with us henceforth.

(I was numb, only words were hitting my ears, the meaning was far fetched)

I: ok, fine. I will take care in the future and see to it that I do not trouble them.

Mom: I know beta, you would be very sad to know all this, but then I couldn't let you get insulted by my brother or his wife. You are my pride and I will not tolerate anything said against you.

Instead of me consoling my mother, she was doing it. She has always been a strong woman and I wish I could get at least 10 % of what her conviction is!

I: I am sorry mom; they said things to you like this. But will you not clarify with them face to face and finish it off?

Mom: I tried no use, beta. They do not want to see me or meet me. I am not welcome @ their new house also. I will meet Aaji @ the old house, whenever I want to meet her.

I: Oh, does Tanmay know all this?

Mom: Yes, it happened in front of him. So, do not expect any call for confirming the receipt of your birthday gift.

I: Ok mom. Don't worry, everything will be fine.

Mom: I don't think so. Bless you, beta, bye.

I didn't know what to do. Should I call mama and ask him what is the matter and that it is just a misunderstanding or should I wait for a few days for it to settle? It might be just a temporary storm which has caused such a great stir in our lives and it will soon wade off.

I was wrong.

*************************************************************
I waited for the acknowledgment of the receipt of the voucher from Tanmay and was also excited to know what all stuff he got and how much fun he had shopping. But then the month of January passed and in April, mama, and Mami celebrate their wedding anniversary. I thought it would be a good occasion to send flowers and the misunderstanding would have vanished and forgotten by now. I sent some beautiful flowers addressing them to Manjusha Mami and wished her and mama a very happy wedding anniversary. I was expecting a call from Mami thanking me and telling me to forget whatever happened in January, but then I kept on waiting till June when uncle called me one fine day to tell that they got the gift voucher and the bouquet of flowers. Call cut! That day was my wedding anniversary when he called and he didn't even wish me? Did he remember the day when I got married? He cried like a baby when he brought me to the pedestal where I was supposed to garland Akash. I comforted him and tried to console him and he forgot my anniversary? Is he doing this purposely or does Manjusha Mami not want that he keeps any contact with me or my mom?

How could the threads of love and affection built with so much care and confidence break off with one gush of wind of some fanciful thinking? Was the bond created with my mama so weak that it stopped to function one fine day just because he was in a fit of anger and spoke something like we are causing him a nuisance? How could he ever think and speak like the way he did that day with Aaji? Did he not think of calling me once and clarifying things with me? If he had something to say to my mom, she was his own sister, he could have easily taken her into confidence and confided into her if he had some personal problems. Accusing his own sister of stealing something was taken so easily by him; he didn't even say firmly to Manjusha Mami that she was wrong and that my mom could never do such a thing. But people, rather our own people prove us so wrong. They do not even think of all the good times spent together and just erase everything of the past and keep only the momentary misunderstanding and anger in mind.

I slowly accepted the fact that now they are not going to be a part of my happiness or grief. I have to leave them where they chose to go their separate ways and I have to close the chapter of my mama, mami, and Tanmay whom I considered as my own family.

*************************************************************
Manas and Asawari: Aai (it's the mom in Marathi!) we are home and hungry like pigs, can you make us a salad please or Poha would be really great!

My kids were like me, enthusiastic about eating, but they were one step ahead. They have tried everything possible on earth with their Dadda, a very cute way of addressing Akash. Akash eats everything except human being, cows, and cream on milk. He has encouraged them to eat everything that comes in front of them so that they never go hungry if they lose their way in jungles of Arizona or the Thar Desert. I have no idea when my kids are going to venture like Bear Gayles (Host of the show "Into the wild ") on the Discovery channel into the most difficult parts and landscapes of the world and then give survival tips to the people. Akash and my kids watch the show regularly though Bear Gayles is now into his 70's and is mostly indoors nowadays. That program is very old, but they still watch it like it is happening in front of them right now. I am very amused to see them sit together on the porch and watch Bear with all concentration, keeping the eyes glued to the television set. But, I am happy that they are eating food without much fuss and I am not encouraging them to eat junk food or chocolates all the time. Once a while, when they get good grades or do well in some sports or other activities, I do take them out.

I prepared their favorite dish of Poha (beaten rice, a famous dish in Maharashtra and called Avalakki bath in Karnataka) and we ate to our heart's content. They both went to their rooms to watch their favorite Popeye show and after warning them not to fight over it; I sat to read a new book, which I got delivered from Librarywala, the famous online library today.

The phone rang again:

Thinking it to be Akash's, I ran towards it enthusiastically, he usually calls to talk to the kids before going to bed and then the whole day is revised again to dadda and only then my kids go to sleep peacefully. I like the way they bond with Akash at least now. I am not sure of the future as children have different worlds of their own once they grow up and then only husband and wife remain for each other, to be with each other.

I: Hello, Mrignaini Phadke here.

From the other side: Hello Munnu, Sudhakar mama here.

It didn't register in my head for 2 seconds. The name sounded familiar, but it could not evoke any recent image in the head and I was searching for the face of this name and suddenly "Eureka" happened. This was my mama. How on earth did he get my landline number and how could he call me after a sudden disappearance from my life 10 years ago?

I: Hello mama, how are you?

(I was just asking without actually meaning it)

Mama: I am very well, thank you. Congratulations on the award. You have made me proud, I always knew that you would make it big and would set an example to all other people. You are the best daughter one could ever have.

(He was not stopping for a moment and I felt as though he wanted to speak everything that he wanted to tell me from the past 10 years. I was at the receiving end and was hearing showers of praises heaped on me. I was neither elated nor happy to listen to his words. I was just hearing some clutter, I thought, which has lost its meaning in some misunderstanding created by some person.)

Mama: I want to meet you beta, I hope you are still in Bangalore? I am here for a field visit and will go back on Sunday evening.

I didn't know whether to say yes to meet him or politely refuse him. I hesitantly took down his contact number and the hotel address where he was staying and told him that I will get in touch with him if I happen to decide to meet him. He just said one thing before cutting the call.

Mama: Beta, there are some things which you might need answers to. I have being carrying this burden for so many years and now before the final call comes; I want to settle all the accounts.

I wanted to shout, is it that easy that you want to settle the accounts like erasing some numbers here and adding a few there? What does he want to tell now? Did he ever remember me all these years? Did my thought even cross his mind all these years? Did he ever inquire about my whereabouts after we ceased to be in touch? All these thoughts were making me crazy and I decided to talk about this to Jitendra over Saturday brunch.

*************************************************************
We met up at Sapna's Bookhouse after I dropped the kids to the half-day workshop. I am happy to keep them engaged somehow rather than wasting their time watching television or playing computer games. In my summer holidays, I always went to my aaji's place in Pune and had fun which was so very missing in my kid's lives and in fact all the kids of their generation. I used to play so many outdoor games with friends in my aaji's chawl. We never thought of the scorching heat that time and all we knew was to just make the best of summer holidays as if they were not going to come again. We also had the best of snacks at that time. We homemade aam panha and barf golas, mango shakes, and whatnot. Oh, even thinking about that makes my mouth water. I must take my kids once to Pune to savor all this stuff, which they have never tasted.

Jitendra: You look worried, what is the matter? Anything troubling you? You said that you want to talk to me on some urgent matter which has come up from nowhere?

I: Yes. Jitendra, remember my mama about whom I had told you during our initial days in ABC Company?

Jitendra: Oh yes, I do. You were very attached to him and his wife and kid and then suddenly some misunderstanding happened and they cut all their contacts with you and your mom?

I: Yes, correct. I got a call from him after your call that day and I was taken aback when he said he wants to meet me.

Jitendra: Did he really say that? Is he in Bangalore? How has he remembered you after so many years? What does he want now?

I: I am trying to find answers to all these questions you just asked from the time I spoke to him. But I also know that I will not get any answers until I meet him and ask him.

Jitendra: Yes, you are right. I think you should take this chance of clearing all the mess which has happened at that time. Maybe now that you have grown up and have seen the world and have a better insight into people and matters, your hurt and anger may subside with whatever he wants to tell you. Maybe you would be able to forgive him and his family for whatever they did to you and mom and in turn, you would forgive yourself also for keeping that hurt and anger in your mind unnecessarily in your heart for so long.

I: Is it unnecessary to keep the matters so close to heart buried like this for so long Jitendra?

Jitendra: Yes, my dear. It is. You are in the best phase of your life, but somewhere in some corner of your heart, you might be still hoping or wishing to talk to them and tell them how successful and happy you have become. You can show them all your possessions and awards and your 2 lovely kids and make them feel proud, isn't it?

I: Jitendra, all this is too far fetched. I just hope that I am able to face mama and not cry before him. I want to show him that I am strong and am not going to show any signs of have missed them all these years.

Jitendra: It is but very natural to get emotional and choked after seeing your loved one after so many years when he has come with some explanation of whatever happened in the past. I think you should be your normal self and then decide what exactly you want to do for him.

I: So, you also think that I should go ahead and listen to whatever he wants to tell me, right?

Jitendra: Yes, very much. You should give yourself and your mamaji another chance to clarify things and make the present and future much more desirable.

I: Ok Jitendra. Thanks for instilling the confidence in me and encouraging me to meet him. I will let you know what happened. I hope something good turns out of our meeting.

Jitendra: Yes, dear. Definitely something good is on its way as it is said life is a box of chocolates and you never know what life is offering you, but you should always treat it as your best and last chocolate.

I: thanks Jitendra, talk to you soon.

I left Dominos on a positive note and was anxious the whole day. The day was just not ticking and Sunday seemed so far. I called mama where he was put him and told him that I would be coming to see him at 11 am tomorrow. I would leave the kids with Pranjali and they would have their brunch with her son, Ninad, who is not only their big bro but also their punch bag and uncle Sam. Pranjali and Avdhut are our family friends and we stay close to each other. Avdhut and Akash have played as kids and his and Akash's moms are like sisters. So now that love and bonding is carried to the third generation and is passed on to Ninad and my 2 lovely kids. I would call her now itself and tell her about this sudden development. I am sure; she won't mind and would be more than happy to accommodate my adorable kids for brunch tomorrow.

*************************************************************
I left Asawari and Manas at Pranjali's place and headed straight to a florist. I bought a nice bouquet of flowers, packed some nice biscuits from the bakery and drove down to the hotel in my Polo. Being able to drive without any dependency on anyone feels so great. The world seems to be a much better place to venture out. I can do all my hobby classes such as dancing, candle making, teach German on a part-time basis and also take my kids out for different workshops and parks where they can explore new things. I also take them to meet their friends over birthday parties or to some restaurant like McDonalds where kids love to party.

I was driving mechanically, which was quite dangerous. All types of thoughts were flashing through my mind. I was trying to rehearse the opening lines of the conversation with my mama. How was it that I was struggling for words and sentences to talk to my very own mama? It might be due to the huge wall of silence between us all these years, I thought. Once the conversation starts flowing, it will be easier to ask about Mami, Tanmay. Tanmay would have grown tall now, must be doing a job now. Which line has he chosen now? How does he look now? Does anything from the past remind him of me? I wanted to ask all these questions to mama as soon as I will see him. I parked the car in the parking lot of the hotel and walked up to the 2nd floor and knocked on 201 at exactly the time, I had promised mama to be there.

Mama (from inside): Yes, come in.

I: Hello mama, Good Morning! How are you?

Mama: It's you Munnu! I am so glad you came, please come inside.

I looked at mama. He had grown so old, grey hair, he had big spectacles on. His shoulders were drooping, he looked so tired and had wrinkles on his face. He asked me to sit. I offered him fresh flowers and biscuits and he was very happy. I remembered how I used to go to Pune as a child in the summer holidays and he used to get me things while coming home from the office. He used to get me chocolate or bhel or vadapav or groundnuts. How time changes and we have swapped the roles now!

I: How have you been mama? How is your health? How come you have come to Bangalore? Have you changed your job or something?

I had so many questions to ask him at the same time, but then I thought he might get embarrassed and I stopped them by putting my thoughts to a halt!

Mama: Yes, I had come here for a field visit. I am into the Insurance domain now and had come here to inspect certain things regarding some cases. I took your number from an old e-mail of yours and tried that. Thankfully, you hadn't changed the number. So, I could get in touch with you and thought of meeting you in person after whatever happened at that time. We never saw each other or spoke to each other.

Mama had directly broached the topic now, without beating around the bush. At least, I do not have to play with words and can ask freely what I always wanted to ask.

I: Yes, didn't you feel once to clarify things with aai or me? I was big enough to understand what was happening. You assumed that aai stole mami's jewelry and you cut all the contacts with me and aai?

I had started blaming him for whatever happened at that time. Without giving him time to answer or defend, I was heaping all questions I had accumulated all these years in my head. Mama was very calm and composed and he didn't look perturbed at all.

Mama: I can understand all your anger and pain, Munnu! God alone knows how I have stayed all these years away from you and Sarita, your mom. I always knew that you both were innocent and Sarita would never do such a thing. But I also had no choice than to stay with your mami as you know my first marriage had failed and I didn't want even this mami to desert me. I know she is ignorant and foolish, but then she took care of me and my son, very well. She also looked well after your aaji till she was alive. I had nothing to complain about her. She didn't want me to keep any contacts with you and your mom, reasons, she never told me. I was also a coward and never asked her the reason for her strange behavior. I took everything in stride and accepted whatever she told me to do.

I started getting furious on knowing that mama was so helpless and a coward. He couldn't stand up for me and my mom, who existed in his life, even before this mami came. Just because he was afraid of her deserting him, he couldn't give her a sound explanation and tell her firmly that his sister and niece are innocent and they can never do such a thing. How could blood relations weaken in front of newly added relations?

Mama continued

Mama: I was taking everything that was thrown at me and then finally, I said enough is enough. I could not take it anymore. Tanmay was also studying in Aurangabad and we both couldn't carry on with each other's varied thinking styles?

I: What do you mean mama?

Mama: I do not stay with her under one roof now. I have given her enough of my life and savings and that will suffice her till she dies. Tanmay's education is also settled and hence I do not have any tension from that side. I have decided to spend my last years in penance for whatever I did to your mom, my mom and you. She wronged your mom in front of me and I couldn't even save you all from falling in her eyes. You all were so close to me and I lost you all just because of her. I will not be able to forgive myself for this and won't forgive her even.

I was dumbstruck. Just a while ago, I was cursing mama to be a coward and helpless. And he has taken such a big step to repent for whatever he did that time? He has confined himself to solitude and loneliness and in his days of retirement, he is doing a job which involves travel and there is no one to take care of him at home. He has to manage everything on his own. How did mami agree to stay separate from him when this is the time they need each other the most? This is too big a sacrifice for something which he did out of partial helplessness and partial ignorance. I suddenly felt so bad looking at him with this renewed vision that tears welled up in my eyes.

I: Mama, this is not the way to punish yourself mama. You could have mended it up with us and also explained mami about it. I am sure she would have understood.

Mama: Munnu, how I wish she could have! You, who were like our daughter, wouldn't have gone away from us like this. I wouldn't have missed all the important developments in your life. Your kids, your career as a free-lancer and an author, a German tutor, successful in almost everything you took up. (Mama knew everything what I was up to all these years.) Had your mami understood the value of people and bonds of love, she wouldn't be sitting alone in her house and you wouldn't be so away mentally from all of us. I just wanted to say sorry to you for all that happened because of me. I want to die in peace whenever my time comes.

I: Oh, don't say that mama. I have forgiven you already and in the process, I have forgiven myself of all the pain and anger, I harbored against you and Mami. I do not have anything against you and please do not feel bad about whatever happened. Just forget it and look to the future.

We both smiled at each other with tears in our eyes and we just sat there without speaking with each other for a while. It was time for me to leave now. We both knew that something broke which was beyond words and we both felt light and relieved. We both were choked and didn't know how to say goodbye. I didn't invite him over to meet the kids and Akash, and he also didn't ask about them at all. He had come here for a purpose which was to clear things with me and he did just that. Not beyond that. I wondered if the old mama whom I knew had died inside this physically present mama of mine. He had strangely become very detached from everything and he didn't show any signs of wanting to renew and meet up with old contacts which were cut deliberately.

He came to leave me at the door and after waving a goodbye; he shut the door with the same coldness with which he said he is staying alone now. I didn't want to break this aura of coldness and stillness which he had deliberately wrapped around himself. Maybe he was with himself in that way.

I went to the parking lot and took the car and had a look at the balcony of his room. He wasn't there in the balcony too. But I could see his sad and tearful eyes behind the curtains looking at me and hands as if they were blessing me.

I started driving and thought.

Some things just remain the way there are.