Dejame vivir

Off late, I have taken to Spanish. I started learning it in January this year with my friend Sudhir. He is a French Language Expert and I am a German Language Expert. So we both decided to learn a language which is entirely unknown and new to us. Spanish was the best option as we both were not ready to teach other our specialized language. Spanish, being the second most spoken language in the world and also due to the proximity of the Instituto Hispania, became our unanimous choice and we joined the class together.

They say, it is a fun language and very similar to English. I did not find it easy. It may be due to the fact that I was already well-versed in one foreign language and I was not looking at it from a career point of view. I was learning it just to do something worthwhile on weekends rather than sitting at home watching TV or surfing internet aimlessly. Sudhir was also instrumental in joining the class as I would have his company while going to the class and also while coming back. I hate to do something entirely novice without knowing a face there. We both started enthusiastically. Sudhir picked it up very quickly and I was as usual in the back-seat, learning and observing slowly. But towards the end of level 1, Sudhir gave up and I continued till the end, gave my finals and scored decent marks. I learned to be on my own without Sudhir being around all the time.

And then after taking a break of 4 months, I joined Level 2 in August. No one from my previous batch was with me at the new level. It was a very mixed class and we gelled quite well. Augustin, our teacher was very enthusiastic and we sang songs with him on all the weekends that we had classes with him. And then I was introduced to this amazing world of Spanish music. When I heard it initially, it lacked the tune, rhythm, beat which the Indian music is replete of. Slowly, I began to follow and understand the lyrics. Well, there are not only love songs in Spanish. There are songs for specific events, occasions, and festivals. They also carry some message sometimes. One such song, which I came across and liked the tune and lyrics, is “Dejame Vivir”, which literally means let me live my life. Life is then compared with air, dove, etc. In short, it gives a message of living a carefree life, doing things what the heart really wants than letting the head rule over it.

I sometimes wonder, what would have my life being if I was a dove or just plain air? I just want to be and not think of many monetary benefits and logical explanations of life. I would have done things which would have given me immense pleasure and satisfaction, though less money.

I live in a society, which is bound by rules and regulations, which do not impact me directly. I mean, no one here directs me here to act and behave in a particular way, but whatever has been given to me by my parents is what I am carrying forward. Money is immensely important to be able to give yourself and your dependents a meaningful life. How would one define a meaningful life? Along with the basic necessities of food, clothing, and shelter, a bit of luxury and indulgence should also be provided. I am talking of this young generation and not of my grandparents who were happy with the minimal things they had in their life. When one has the instruments of power and wealth in his hands, he can sit back and talk about the poverty in 3rd world countries, the increasing value of rupee, doing some social help to the needy, etc. What I mean to say is once the standard threshold of necessities is crossed, can one think of thinking big and making a difference to the world. I do not deny that there were some exceptional individuals who rose high above the basic necessities and became world-class leaders, even though their basic needs were not fulfilled. But as I said, such people were exceptional and this cannot trigger down to masses every time.

Now that my basic needs are fulfilled and I have got married, have settled down quite well in a new city and new job which gives me a lot of money, but no mental satisfaction. How far can I take this dissatisfaction in the job with me and how much importance should I give to money? I have to decide at some point of time in life, whether to be a part of the dirty games played in the name of work or give myself the pleasure of seeing the happiness on the faces of the people, trying to learn a new foreign language which I will teach them?

Should I treat my juniors and colleagues as third class individuals or should I treat them as respectful individuals who have brains and also a heart? Should I kick this fat salary which is making my work-life unbearable and accept something less glamorous and less paying, but which will give me some satisfaction and also a freedom to pursue my own hobbies, passions and also engage in social work too?

There are so many people who exactly know what they want and surprisingly money is not always a priority. I know someone who gave up the dream of teaching, in spite of having done MA and B.Ed just for the sake of her kids and family who needed her. She has not regretted it once for having chosen family over independence and money. I also know someone who is a Chartered Accountant, highly brilliant, fluent in Russian and Polish, who got retired at the age of 40, went back to a “writing school” and is now a full-time writer and is in process of publishing his first novel. He writes for the pure joy of it and gets a very high satisfaction out of it. He didn’t care what people and society thought about his giving up of a high paying job with the Russian Embassy just to be with himself and do whatever he really wanted to do.

Isn’t that amazing? These people have guts to follow whatever they aspired and pursued it without any thoughts of remorse and regret. In this democratic country, one should be able to do what he/she wants, isn’t it? Of course, it should be within the laws and shouldn’t harm the interest of the other person. How many people practice what they have done academically with interest? I have 2 engineer friends, who are not working in the IT industry as Engineers but as German Language Experts. There may be many reasons behind it. The good pay for foreign language experts can be one of the reasons as well as the inability to get a decently paying job as Engineers could have driven them to take up this thing, which is almost entirely different than what they invested all the years of Engineering. I also know someone who has done post-graduation in Economics but is doing a data entry job in some unknown private company. This is a very blatant picture of reality and quite opposite to the example of the engineers, I cited earlier. I also know someone who has done Electrical Engineering but is now working as a Project Manager in a German company after doing some good courses in E-learning field. He never wanted to be in IT, but it seems he had no choice some 13 years back then to be a part of the herd which was either doing Engineering or medical. He wanted to do his post-graduation in History, but that wouldn’t have brought him so many bucks and luxury as he is currently enjoying. Am I am not sure if he is happy with this stressful like of his or he would have been happier in the life of an archaeologist or a lecturer. But he would have been engaged with that he really liked and would have been in a better position to enjoy the content of heart and fulfillment of his life as he would have done what he passionately likes to do. Money flows in very easily, but the joy of doing what one likes? It is missing, is what I feel. Money has brought him a name, fame, status, car, a fat bank balance, but what about his personal health? Choice of going off somewhere to see places, just like that? Lying on a beach watching the tide? Traveling in an ordinary sleeper class of train? Not anymore…

Living a carefree life, not worrying about the future or bank balance is not an in-thing today, because our ancestors have always stressed the virtue of planning for the future. In order to be able to live tomorrow, we have to let go of small things today. No one knows how many years he is going to live, but he wishes to die rich rather than live everyday modestly. This is my personal observation. Everybody is busy doing something worth in terms of monetary gain, monetary benefit. Who follows the heart nowadays? Who has the time to give to hobbies? Who pursues hobbies as careers? Hardly a few people do it. As there is no good monetary return, people prefer to slog in a brainless job rather than devoting time to hobbies and interests and pursuing them as a career.

Making people run after something which will never satisfy a human being is the characteristic of money. No matter how much one has, he can never be satisfied. He will want more and more and that will increase his frustration and inability to be content with whatever he currently has.

I am not going to be one amongst the 1000’s of people who let go of their mental satisfaction and peace in pursuit of earning more and more and more money. I have a choice of doing things little differently and I also have the time and choice to do something, I really like, unlike many others who are bound in technology, experience, etc. I am going to think about my inner peace rather than comparing myself in terms of lac of rupees I have in my bank. I do not care about what people will think of me when I refuse to work in a reputed IT company, do something out of the role defined for me.

I would rather follow my heart, do teaching, take up freelancing translation jobs, go for singing class, learn and teach Spanish, help people read and write, explore my writing abilities and be happy rather than cribbing every day coming to the office and doing what I detest.

Have you followed your heart yet?

Koustubh's birthday party

Someone has said, "The world's happiest friends never have the "SAME" characters… They just have the best understanding of their differences." How true is this sentiment! When I look around and give a thought to the list of my really close friends, not one of them is like me or behaves like me. It is just that we have some commonalities somewhere and that has binded into an eternal bond, which is stronger than anything else.

Koustubh, Sudhir and I met at HP. All of us had left our homes back and had come to Bangalore to eke out a living. Being the speakers of the same mother tongue, we gelled with each other so well that it was as if meeting some long lost friends again. Sudhir is the youngest of us and most pampered. He likes to be in sync with the on-going trends and wants the best in his life. He acts as if he is our grandfather, all the time giving us lectures on enjoying life, enjoying today etc. He is well read, diligent and has come up a long way in his life. He is crazy for movies, songs, books, and clothes. In short, he is the one likes to be appreciated and recognized.

Koustubh is more-laid back, serious kind of person when compared with Sudhir. But once the trio gets together, it is heaps of laughter, shouting, cheering, criticizing etc. We meet once/twice a month and in that meeting we have to say so many things to each other that we fight amongst ourselves as to who will narrate first and what he/she has gone through in the days we hadn't met. Koustubh and I discourage Sudhir from shopping incessantly. Being elder to him in experience and age, we have a lot of instructions to give him. He gets very irritated at times and just wants us to shut our mouths. Koustubh and Sudhir have petty fights just for the sake of it and they do not allow each other to speak a word less. I have fun listening them fight like kids and really enjoy because I know there is love behind all this and we three are like those huge rocks in each other lives which will never wash away or break away with time and tide.

I was thinking of what to gift Koustubh on his birthday as it was the very first time we were going to celebrate his birthday together in the last 3.5 yrs that we know each other. As I have gotten into a habit of reading books, thanks to my shuttle friend John, I thought of gifting him a nice book that would be interesting to him and that would give him some change, some adventure in the monotonous office-home-office routine. I took John's help in this, because he is the one who has read books 10 times of his age or even more I guess! We went to Sapna book house and selected a nice best seller for him. I love gifting greeting cards and also accept them as gifts. So selected that for him and a movie VCD that would be with him all his life as a remembrance of our friendship! With all these gifts, we reached the venue where we were supposed to meet each other for dinner. Sudhir joined us straight from office and I went home, got fresh and drove down to the venue.

The venue was "the Beach" restaurant. We had been there earlier in the last year for dinner and had loved the ambiance and the food. It was a quiet small place with real sand in between the sit outs and the bartenders are dressed in flashy, flowery clothes to give a feel of the beach. The restaurant is painted blue, has paintings of the waves on the wall. In short you feel as if you are relaxing on a beach and enjoying food.

But, that day was a big disappointment for me.

It was a Wednesday night, ladies night, where there are free drinks for the ladies. We reached there around 8:30 and it was not yet crowded. We waited for Koustubh to join us and slowly people started coming in. We had to change our seats thrice as it was leaking and Sudhir was ready to show his Pune style of getting things done, but thankfully we got a decent seat. Till we could order something, the lights went out.

Blaring music started thumping the grounds. All over the place, I could see ladies smoking and drinking very easily as if it is just like normal breathing for them. The guts of women who smoked when I was in college amazed me, but now I really become very sad in seeing such ladies. What do these women think they achieve when they smoke and drink? Do they think they are equals of men in all respects and they have full rights to act and behave like men? What are they gaining with this temporary lift up of mood? How can one enjoy the cause of so many deaths in such a non-ashamed way? What runs in their minds? Are there no better ways to release the stress in life?

Nowadays, our lives have become very stressful. We are all the time running after money, goals, status, and recognition. To be accepted as a part of the peer group, in order to be counted as one amongst the rat race, some people do and act like others. Just to show off, how modern and outstanding they are and how good can they enjoy their lives, they take to drinking and smoking. My friend, who was a chain smoker used to justify his smoking by saying that it is a occupational hazard and just because his colleagues smoke, he also "has" to smoke. People have a rosy picture to paint of their death that arrives with a silent note. But, people are oblivious of any future and want to enjoy their today. Fast paced life has taken a toll on our health, personal life. And many have turned to these vices for chilling out and releasing the vent up emotions of stress.

All these thoughts were breaking my head and on the other side loud music and clouds of smoke, smell of food, beer, alcohol all mixed up was creating a bit of uneasiness in me. In some time, everybody from the other tables started dancing. Some were at their tables, some in the sand which was near to the DJ work station and I saw a few people who had closed their eyes, had cigarette in one hand and a beer bottle in the other and were just swaying on the music beats as if they were in some trance and were no longer connected to the human world. I was shocked for a moment, is this what you call life, is this what you earn for, is this what our elders have set before us? Is this what they call the in-thing and cool thing to do? Is this what our culture is? Is this what we call globalization is?

Nevertheless, everybody has the right to live his or her life in the way he/she likes. People earn money and would like to spend it in whatever gives them happiness. This is definitely not my definition of enjoying and being happy and that was the reason I felt so out of place on that day. I felt very stupid of not having been able to connect with whatever was going on the dance floor and the couples and groups sitting around us. Ours was the only table which was very normal and not in air and behaving crankily.

What craze people have for loud music? I haven't been able to understand it yet. I am a music lover, but my taste is completely different and I do not quite enjoy loud and thumping music. I am a lover of soft, melodious tunes and they transfer me to a different world altogether. I think it is the same for the people who enjoy thundering music. They get relieved of their tensions, stress, discomfort etc. and I feel they want to shy themselves away from reality and so they resort to loud music where they won't be even reading own thoughts and mind. It is a gate to shut them up in a very different world, which will give them that happiness which they have been always searching for in their lives. This thought of living for the day really amazes me. I am always looking forward to the future, but that doesn't mean that I do not enjoy my present. It is said that today is a present and you have to accept and live it as a present. Tomorrow is a surprise for which one has to be ready. How one spends and enjoys his/her present is a matter of personal choice.

The pace at which we are running in the rat race is so alarming that sometimes I fear, what examples are we going to set for the younger generation? Where are those concepts of being well read, observant, and helpful, saving for the future? Are these concepts already extinct? Are we well equipped with whatever we possess to face the fury of future genetic and behavioral problems? Does money bring everything and is a cure for everything? I know, I am thinking too much, but it was just that moment sitting in that great restaurant and watching the scenes around me crossed my mind. I am sure there was not a single person thinking like me in that whole atmosphere of fun and frolic. As, I am not a party animal at all; I couldn't justify any of the actions of the people who came in the restaurant that day. Everybody seemed so relaxed and calm and ready to take on the world. Women have done a lot of progress and I was really zapped by seeing at their progress. It was a handful of the female population there, but it made a great impact on me. I really thank my parents and friends who never gave me such "wonderful" insights into life and made my life worth living for myself and also for others around me. I have far better things to do than waste my life in drinking and smoking.

Most important of all was Koustubh enjoyed his day, his birthday in the office and in the evening with us, his dear friends. He was a bit apprehensive too about the things going on in the restaurant, but we had no choice but to see, observe, eat food and go home. Food was delicious and we all were enjoying it with each other, thinking and contemplating that at least we are together for the evening. I hoped he liked the gift. He would never say it on face even if he didn't like it. Koustubh is that sort of person. He can never say no to anyone and to his loved ones, no way! He was also silently watching other people lost in the puffs of cigarettes, dancing away to popular numbers, oblivious of spilling drinks on the table, ignorant of others around.

This was a side of life to which I was thrown to, out of choice and out of compulsion. Choice, because I chose to attend the dinner party hosted by Koustubh and by compulsion, as I had to be there till we finished our dinners even though I was not feeling very comfortable. All this doesn't mean any offence to Koustubh, his intentions were neat and he hadn't imagined such a halla gulla in the restaurant. That was his special day and we had to make it all the more special by just being there with him, which I believe we did!

I had read somewhere, "Friendship is like just sitting with each other without saying anything and walking away as if it was the best conversation I ever had." Our friendship is beyond all the clichéd friendship tags and things and this insight into life for a night has made these 2 friends of mine all the more precious. When I am with them, I am myself. I am at ease. I do not have to show off anything or prove anything to anyone. It is the best thing that could ever happen to anyone. Being oneself at your natural self and being in peace with yourself.