Picture Perfect

It was a perfect day to start writing on something which was so near and close to my heart. I was very excited to bring life into my new characters, Rasika and Mihir. I was longing to breathe air into these two long forgotten characters, which I knew existed in some corner of the world or maybe even in your life. I decided to pen down everything that came to my mind after I thought of Mihir.

Mihir came from a middle-class family, parents were retired and he had an elder brother who was married and had settled in some other city with his wife. Mihir had a very small friend circle and he led a very ordinary and simple life. He was well-educated, had a good position in the office, was respected, but the family values had much more grip on him than his status and position, which was a very good thing. He never had an inclination to go ahead and build new contacts and friends. He was happy with his life and then one day, suddenly he gets an off liner on his yahoo messenger from a girl called Rasika. He has never known a girl by this name. Who can she be to leave a message like this on his yahoo id? From where did she get his yahoo id? Was there something, which he had long forgotten and was surfacing again? No, there was no such history which had a chapter called Rasika. But he was not yet aware that Rasika was soon going to be a big chapter in his life soon.

Strange are the ways people meet nowadays, does it hold good in a cyber age like today? I think, more important is the next meeting after the initial introduction. The first meet can either be your last meeting with that person or it can trigger a series of meetings and learning sessions with that person. Isn’t it? Mihir tried to trace Rasika for many days, but she was not to be seen online anytime. He had so many questions to ask her, but she was evading him, at least Mihir thought so. He had to clarify so many things with her and finally that day arrived, when Mihir met Rasika online.

Rasika: Hi, Mihir! How are you?

Mihir: I am not very good; do I know you by any chance? I got your off liner.
Rasika: Oh yes, actually, I am also a member of the e-group to which you have subscribed. I joined recently, was just surfing through the member’s list, when I came across your name. Thought of saying hi to you! Hope you didn’t mind.

Mihir sighed; what a relief and then suddenly his tension vanished. But why was he so tensed on seeing an off liner from an unknown girl. That was because he never had any female friend and he was not very comfortable talking to women. And one keeps on reading about so much of cyber crime, that he got afraid and took Rasika to be some hooker. Thankfully, Rasika turned out to be very different than he could have imagined.

Mihir: Oh, ok, Not a problem! I did not have any reference of yours and was wondering about the off liner you sent me the other day. Now that it is clear, why you pinged me, I have no qualms in returning a hello to you.

Rasika was very happy to read this and she thought she has met a decent guy in Mihir.
Rasika: Thank you so much. Let me introduce myself to you. I am Rasika Ranade, I stay in Parle. I am currently working with Mentorix and am a Chartered Accountant. I love music, singing, and poetry. I enjoy anything and everything that is related to nature and I believe everything created by nature is beautiful. I am 25 years old, love talking, making friends. I can go on and on. Your chance now!

Mihir was already lost in this super fast narration of things. Smiling to himself, he replied:

Mihir: That’s ok. I am Mihir Oak and I am an engineer, stay in Dadar. I like listening to music, watching plays and movies, reading etc.

Rasika: That’s nice. Glad to meet you officially, Mihir!

Mihir: Pleasure is mine.

Rasika: Ok, Thanks gotta leave now. My company bus leaves in exactly 10 minutes. Will talk to you tomorrow, you take care and have a nice evening. Glad meeting you once again, byeeee.

Mihir: Yes, sure, c ya.

After this official and formal introduction, they both chatted almost daily. Rasika was a chatterbox and she would go on with narrating whatever happened in the office, at home, with friends. It seemed as if their talks had no end and they felt as if they know each other since so many years now. Mihir was a very good listener and he was bowled by Rasika’s chirpy and bubbly attitude. She would go on talking and he would go on listening. Mihir was actually a very shy and quiet and an introvert kind of a person and he had never met anyone like Rasika before, so full of life and sunshine! Mihir was actually surprised at himself when he started looking forward to the talking sessions with Rasika.

It was a healing process for both of them. It was a process of knowing each other so well that they often reacted in the same way on different things and shared same emotions and thoughts on things, people, and issues. It was getting more and more interesting between them, when suddenly Rasika got an opportunity to go abroad for a new job. She was thrilled and happy and she jumped at the thought of the new offer. Mihir was very happy for her. They could keep in touch through mails and chats. Today, the distance of 10000 kilometers doesn’t matter much as the technology has thrown open so many means of keeping in touch with each other, though virtually.

Finally the day arrived and Rasika moved to California. She got a nice place to stay, work was interesting. It was a good learning experience for her. It was a new country for her, the people were new and different and so was the culture. Being a people person, she befriended many even in a distant country. She visited places, learnt cooking, managing house on her own. She became an expert in her work and was even awarded the best employee title. She shared all this with Mihir, who was still in India. She told him everything, everything except…
That she had a soft corner for Mihir and that given a chance, she would have loved to become his wife!!

There are often such instances in life when we do not express our true and innermost feelings towards a person in the fear of losing that person forever. Do you call this foolishness or just genuine concern and need for the other person’s friendship? Rasika never mentioned this to Mihir and Mihir would have never got to know about it until one day when they talked for a long time after many days!

Mihir: What are you saying? Why didn’t you tell this to me before Rasika?

Rasika: I wanted to tell you, but then thought it would be of no use.

Mihir: What do you think you are? God? To decide things by yourself, whether they are good or bad? You should have told me once, Rasika, I would have never let you gone. It is true that I didn’t share the same feeling like you did for me, but I would have definitely not said no to you. We would have worked it out!

Now talking all this was of no use because both got married in the meanwhile. Rasika was adjusting with her new life as a wife and daughter-in-law and she was finding it a bit difficult. Which marriage doesn’t require adjustments and compromise? Her husband was not too bad; it was just that he wasn’t like 100 other princes who swept their princesses off the feet. He was less expressive; more focused towards work, less social, very ambitious, but had no bad habits. Rasika and her husband were poles apart. But then which relationship doesn’t need time? Rasika was doing exactly that!

Mihir had found a girl of his dreams. He had become more engaged in the e-group and had met this girl there who was very timid, loving and talkative and good hearted. They fell in love, while arranging an event for the group. It is best to first know the person, understand him well, start liking him and then fall for him. Their’s was an ideal journey which culminated into a marriage.

Rasika was happy for Mihir and they continued to be their self even after their marriages. Rasika shared her concerns with Mihir and they discussed any personal issue in their lives with each other. They shared a tremendous rapport and had a great understanding between them. Mihir consoled Rasika when she was down and Rasika made Mihir understand when he was unreasonable. It was as if they were Uncle Sam and Aunt Dorothy for each other.

It is often observed that once friends get married, their contact with each other lessens and stops completely after a few years. It is very natural to happen as now their priorities change and the focus shifts to the life-partners, family responsibilities and different roles now. Weekends are devoted to talk and relax. Shopping for groceries and vegetables becomes an integral part of the week-end. Keeping track of various things is also necessary to run house successfully. Lot of things comes up with marriage. Fights, tensions, misunderstanding, clashes on one hand and there is also security, feeling of belonging to someone, sharing and caring for that person with whom we are going to spend our entire life, walking side by side in every walk of life and being there for each other, come what may!

Rasika and Mihir were going through all these patches in their respective lives and sometimes when it became difficult to take something from their life partners, they would often imagine each other in those situations. Once it happened that Rasika got upset over something and began to cry and her husband didn’t even bother to console her. At that point, Rasika thought about Mihir and said to herself, Mihir would have never seen a tear in my eyes. Mihir was also having a row over the naming ceremony of his son with his wife and he thought, Rasika would have definitely understood. But the best part was that Rasika and Mihir’s friendship blossomed even more after marriage.

They both didn’t have friends so close to whom they could talk anything and everything. They could talk endlessly on any topic and there was no end to their discussions and sometimes even fights.

Rasika: I hate cooking; I would do that as the last thing on earth.

Mihir: Why? It is such a good skill and the joy one gets by serving food made by our own hands to the loved ones is just out of this world. Don’t you like cooking different dishes for your husband and then seeing so much gratitude and love in his eyes for you?

Rasika: No, I do not feel like it. There are other things which I like doing and which bring joy to my life, but definitely not this.

Mihir: Oh, so you just want to be different, unlike other women, who spend time in cooking, you are not an average woman; a house-maker isn’t it? You think, by being a rebel, you can prove your point?

Rasika: That has nothing to do with being a rebel. It is just that my priorities are different.

Mihir was often left with no choice than giving in because he never wanted to hurt her. He never wanted to make her feel sad.

Mihir: Ok, madam. When I visit you, will you cook for me?

Rasika: Of course, anything for you, Mihir!

Mihir: Thanks!

Mihir could sense the earnestness with which Rasika told him everything happening in her life. She was just like a child, laughing, giggling all over the sessions, they talked. Mihir was slowly getting the real sense of their relationship. He got all the more engrossed in the sessions with her. He started waiting for her to come online, if there was anything important to tell, Rasika was the first person to know about it, of course after his wife. All the important events in is life were shared with Rasika. His promotion, increase in the pay package and even the good news of becoming a prospective father were first told to Rasika. Mihir was unable to understand, why he was being so close to Rasika now even after being happily married. He once mentioned this to her and she tried to explain their relationship to him. It was so very close and intimate, but never involved anything physical. They never touched each other, even in dreams or wildest of dreams. They had a very pure and pious relationship. What if they couldn’t be with each other as husband and wife, they were together as friends and guides.

They knew their limits and also their duties towards their respective families. Their families came first and they both were fine with it. Though they did not always express it, Rasika knew in her heart that they were soul-mates.

Mihir: Soul mates? WOW! What a flashy name! Do you believe in these things?

Rasika: Yes, I do. Tell me on thing. Why do you like some people and why do you hate sight of some people? Why do you want to go on talking with someone and why do you want to cut a conversation short with someone for no obvious reason?

Mihir: Can you be a bit clearer on what you are trying to explain? I am not able to exactly get to the bottom of it.

Rasika: Yes, I will explain it to you. Do you remember I had told you about a book called “Many minds, many masters” in which a doctor conducted a regression therapy on his patient who was suffering from depression, chronic fear, anxiety?

Mihir: Yes, I remember something of that, so are you trying to relate that story to us?

Rasika: Yes, Mihir, every thing is this world is related to something or the other, that is if you believe so or else there is no relation between a mother and a child also..

Mihir: Ok, ok, do not get so hyper, go on with your theory, I am listening!

Rasika: Yes, coming back to the story. Dr. Brian Weiss did an experiment on his patient, Ms. Catherine and recorded everything she said in the regression therapies. And you know what; she gave a minute detail of each of her past birth when she was taken to that particular birth.

Mihir: What??

Rasika: Let me complete. She was able to go to all her previous 84 births which she is believed to have lived. She hardly remembers them when she is brought back to the present. And as she progressed from one birth to another, there were masters accompanying her in the transit who gave sermons on what is life, why do we take birth, what is the purpose of our life etc. She seemed to get better and better with every birth that she visited, she lost all her fears and inhibitions and pains and seemed to be much more confident, radiant and happy when she got back to this life. And the height of it is that she met her soul-mate in this birth, got married to him and is very happy with her life now. And that soul-mate of hers seemed to be related to her in every birth, he was her mother, her lover, her brother, her father in every birth and finally in this birth their union took place for good and culminated into marriage. And one more point mentioned in the book, which I really like to believe is that all the souls who are related to each other travel in groups in every life. That may be one of the reason why you think you know a person since so many years, when you have just seen them for the first time. There is some past life connection with the people you are related now with. Your wife may be your mother in the last birth and she traveled with you to be your life-partner and give you all the love and happiness which might have not been possible in the last births that you were together!

Mihir: Phew! This is something very difficult to comprehend for people who are rationalists, isn’t it?

Rasika: Yes, it is! But do you think this might be possible?

Mihir: What might be possible?

Rasika: That you and me might be related somehow and that is why we met again now out of nowhere??

Mihir: I will not refute that! Or else, why do I want to talk to you all the time I am in office? Why do I want to share all my happiness and sadness with you? Why do I wait to say hello to you in the morning without which my day doesn’t begin at all?? And why do I not feel that I am cheating on my wife!

Rasika: of course, you are not cheating on your wife, Mihir! It is just that we met late or rather I failed to recognize you as my soul-mate or else your wife and my husband wouldn’t have been in the picture at all, isn’t it?

Mihir: Yes, that’s right! I am true to my wife and give her 100 % of my life and it is also true that I like you more than a friend. We both know that it might not be possible to meet personally anytime in life once you and I start a family. You are in a different geography and I am in some different location. We just meet online, everyday. Do you remember the last time we talked on phone with each other?

Rasika: (smiling to Her): No, Mihir, I do not remember at all. But still it doesn’t seem that you are so far from me. I believe in power of thoughts and you are always in my thoughts, so far, but yet so near!

Mihir: You speak so nicely and you weave your thoughts in such a nice fashion, that I just adore it. I like to listen to you and want you to be happy always!

Rasika: Yes, I love to talk on such things but it is also important that the other person at the other end has an interest in it and shares the same thought and sentiment. It is very fortunate to have someone like you, who thinks just like me. It is a very good feeling, when you can relate to some other people also who share the same wave-length.

Mihir: Oh yes, tell me about it. I have so many friends, but I am not open to all, rather not so much open with even my male friends. But you! You are completely different subject all together.

Rasika: Yes, Mihir, I am aware of it. When there are similar thoughts and those thoughts flow in the same direction, the boundaries of sex, age, caste, and creed do not matter at all. It is just identification with a soul, with a person. And then it hardly matters if he is a male or a female, a child or a grown-up, isn’t it?

Mihir: How true! You are just outstanding in putting things so clearly and explaining things to me. I have never put any relation, a close relation as this into the logic of maths.

Rasika: Logic of maths?

Mihir: Yes, logic of 2+2=4 as in Rasika + Mihir = soul-mates!!
Rasika: (laughs loudly): You are a genius!

Mihir: Yes, I am to have you as my dearest and closest friend.

Rasika: Thanks and I also share the same sentiment! Tell me, what will happen if we lose touch with each other in the coming years? You will have your family, I will have mine. Once kids come in, your life doesn’t remain your own.

Mihir: I am already experiencing it. Who can know it better? But why do you want to think about the future, when we both are in touch now?

Rasika: I am just exploring the possibility, Mihir. Life is uncertain and you never know what it might bring you.

Mihir: I do not want to think about it now, all I know is such a thing won’t happen at all.

Rasika: Ok, I was expecting that!

Were they being true to each other when they said that they would not lose contact with each other all their lives? Who can give guarantee of tomorrow, leave apart, some years from now? But one always lives in hope, isn’t it? One always wishes a good future for oneself, togetherness of the loved ones. Who can stay away from the most important people in their lives? Rasika and Mihir had found soul-mates in each other, but they were not destined to be together in the journey of life. They were leading their own separate lives with their life partners, rather a very happy and fulfilling life with their life partners, but they knew deep inside, that the case could have been completely different, had it been a different destiny in this life. But they had no regrets. They had a person to confide in, share with, and yet who had no demands or expectations. Yes, there were no expectations as they both had accepted each other just as they were and no one expected from the other person to put in some extra bit of zing thing. They were happy with whatever was going on and they never tried to change each other in any way. They were always there for each other in all walks of life, though virtually. It is also important, isn’t it? To have someone like a rock in your life who would always stand by you in bad weather and on whom you can always lean on when you get tired or want to rest.

But a thought always crosses my mind, if their love had brought them so far from the past births to this birth, why didn’t they get united in this birth? What was that thing which still remains to be achieved for them to always be together? We wouldn’t know the real end of their story as there might be so many births after this, or perhaps this could be their last birth.

My question remains unanswered, but I realized one thing, people can fill wonderful colors in other people’s lives and make the picture of others life, perfect, not by their physical presence, but by just being there in thoughts and blessings!

You name it

Music is human creation and yet it transcends all the boundaries of time, tide, cast, creed and religion etc.

I do not even remember since when I started listening to music or even started understanding it and how I developed a liking for it. It has almost become a ritual like breathing to me. We do not remember or rather have to remember that we have to breath, it just happens, isn't it? Just like that I am always singing songs and take every chance to listen to them. They fill me with joy and I begin dancing to the tunes and imagine all the dance steps I would have done, in case I was the choreographer. It transforms all the day's stress into a bearable journey of words, tunes, rhythms, voices etc. What a joy is it to just surf through the different FM channels that nowadays only play Kannada songs, you suddenly find your favorite song playing on one of those channels and you just forget the world around you.

It happened to me just yesterday. I was so bugged up of sitting in the bus while returning home, that I decided to try my luck with the FM channels. And there on FM rainbow channel, there was one of my favorite song, "dooba dooba rahta hun, aankhon main teri" by the famous group Silk route and I just closed my eyes and started humming and forgot the whole day's terrible life in the office. That song is picturised below the water with the troupe playing in water and it was one of the oldest Hindi pop songs when the pop revolution was just beginning in the late 90's. I mostly love string instruments and the guitar played in it is just out of the world. I fancy all the stringed instruments and want to learn at least one stringed instrument in my life. The sitar is very integral part of the Hindustani classical music and I used to play it when I was learning classical vocal. Concentrating on singing and also playing all the 4 strings correctly with only 2 fingers took some time to master, but then it was very easy. I wished I had concentrated more on singing that time, it would have been a far better satisfying and fulfilling bait than this rat race which I am running, do not even know where it is taking me. But, there are many disillusioned people like me in the vicinity, so I need not feel very bad about it.

There are music lovers like me, music clubs, music meets etc. where people meet regularly and discuss their favorites and other things. I am in search of such a club in Bangalore where I can talk and learn about this wonderful creation called music. Yes, so I was talking of few songs which just uplift you from the present and take you to back to the memories of yesteryears. On such song is from the movie Aandhi, "tere bina zindagi se shikva to nahi, tere bina zindagi bhi lekin zindagi to nahi". What must have the great Gulzar have thought while penning this song? How did R D Burman weave it such a haunting tune? How did the immortal Kishore Kumar make it so popular that even after almost 30 years, people of my age still listen to it? There is hardly any music lover who would not know the trio of R D Burman, GUlzar and Kishore Kumar. Other song which I remember is from the movie Umrao Jaan, sung by the ever young Asha Bhonsle. What an attitude and grace while singing it and I can imagine no one else than the gorgeous Rekha in that song as Umrao Jaan. Aishwarya is no where near to her.

I do not why I like the song "ek hasina thi" from the old movie Karz, in fact all songs from that movie were super duper hits and the movie was also a huge success at the box office. Rishi Kapoor is one such actor who does his lip sync well and Kishore Kumar's voice suits him perfectly. When he is on screen, it feels as if he is singing in reality. How can one forget the memorable "dard-e-dil, dard-e jigar" from that movie sung by Mohd Rafi? That was the only song sung by him in that movie and it was a show stealer. Another Rishi Kapoor song, "tu tu hai wahi, dil ne jise apna kahan", from the movie yeh vaada raha of which a horrible remix was done and the picturisation was done on 3 girls who were looking like call-girls seeking customers on phone. It was just pathetic. The very nature, sentiment of the original song is destroyed in such a re-mixing and I am not a very keen advocate of re-mixes, in fact I wish the original songs should be kept in the original beats and tunes.

There are certain memories of people attached to some songs. If you seen some movie with your best friend and you like some song of that movie, every time that song plays, that friend of your's comes to your mind and all the fun you had with that friend surfaces. You smile to yourself and remember that friend for that period of time. I saw the movie “Hum Tum “with a very good friend of mine and now we are no longer together. The songs in that movie remind me of him every time I listen to them and I wish him all the very best in his life. I watched the movies "Chak de" and "Jaane tu ya jaane na" with two of my most craziest and loved friends, Sudhir and Koustubh. Chak de was like a big match for everybody in the theater and we were no less. We were cheering, shouting India and Kabir Khan and his girls as if the match is real. The title song has a special place in my heart for it was the best time I have ever had while watching a movie. The second movie was a good time-pass and the songs were picturised of gang of college friends and I loved every bit of it. Another instance is of another friend who had come down from the US and we had seen this movie, “Jab we met” and that song “tumse hi” is very close to my heart.

There was a time when I was in Germany for some months and the songs I listened there for the first time evoke different emotions in me. The song "I am a Dreamer" by Ozzy Osbourne became my favorite during that time. It is picturized taking winter as the theme and snowfall is shown with all children playing and running around. It was winter in Germany too and that made a very good association with my mood over there. That reminds me from children, how can I ever forget the "lakdi ki kaathi, kaathi pe ghoda" from the movie Masoom? Those 3 kiddos are just awesome and they have sung them with such fun and excitement that I am sure they must have had a ball of time while actually doing it. It was really very cute. I like the "tujhse naraaz nahi zindagi" from that movie. Again Gulzar and R D Burman and the nightingale of Indian music, Lata Mangeshkar gave an out-of-the world rendition. Another song which made its place in my heart is Shaan’s “Tanha dil, tanha safar”. I used to feel a bit low in the initial days of my stay in Germany and it used to remind me of my buddies who were so far from me. Internet was not so very common eight years ago in every household and so we had to write letters to each other or give missed calls to the people in India at a fixed time to let them know that I miss them so much.

I wonder, what would have been life without sound, music? How would I have survived? How would I have appreciated these wonderful pieces of magic? I had heard that music requires no language. All this while I was listening to Marathi songs, because it is my mother-tongue, Hindi because it is our national language, German, because I have learnt that language and it is almost my second mother tongue now, English, because that was my medium of instruction in school and college. Only after I came to Bangalore, the above said sentence that music knows no language held good in my case. The wonderful songs from the movie "mungaru malaye" are always in my mind and I know the song "Anisuthide yaako indu" by-heart! And one more song which I have become fan of lately is the "ni nindale ni nindale" song of which I do not understand a word, but yet enjoy it to the fullest.

We form images and associations, maps etc with the words we hear and that happens when we listen to music of other languages also, I guess. We tend to just get wrapped in the pure thought and sentiment of that tune. I will not say we get engrossed in the meaning, because not every time, we understand it. I know someone whose mother-tongue is Oriya, but he liked Tamil songs too. So, it is not essentially the meaning of it which attracts us to it. It may be the mood, the time, the tune, the voice which attracts it to us.

Music has fostered so many relations world wide. People from different corners of world have come together for a cause and the medium to show their genuine concern is many times, Music! I do not know what people think of Michael Jackson, but I just love his song "Heal the world" and I think it is one of the best songs of all times, which advocate the cause of stopping child abuse, child labor so that this world is a better place for the children of tomorrow as they are going to be the ones who are going to shape the world. There are many such songs which are on my list of all time favorites. "Love will never die" is one such song by the group MLTR, which means that no matter what, love will always stand and will never lie, no matter where the people will be.

The song from the movie "Border", "bhagat singh" have a different flavor and fervor and they infuse feelings of patriotism in us, which has to be reminded to us many a times nowadays. Who thinks of the motherland anyways? Who is concerned what our fore-fathers underwent in the freedom struggles? Everybody is just concerned about self. One just song which I am sure must be creating nostalgia in the minds of people who are away from their motherland, families, friends is the song from the movie "Swades", "ye jo des hai tera, swades hai tera". Even if I am in Bangalore, very much in India, but away from my parents, I become very sad and think of running back to my mom's embrace.

Thus, music forms a very important component of my daily diet. I can't survive without it and that is a breather to me amidst this sometimes chaotic life. It helps me to come back to normal and attain the necessary balance to be able to survive in this competitive life.How can I ever thank the one who invented or discovered music?

Dejame vivir

Off late, I have taken to Spanish. I started learning it in January this year with my friend Sudhir. He is a French Language Expert and I am a German Language Expert. So we both decided to learn a language which is entirely unknown and new to us. Spanish was the best option as we both were not ready to teach other our specialized language. Spanish, being the second most spoken language in the world and also due to the proximity of the Instituto Hispania, became our unanimous choice and we joined the class together.

They say, it is a fun language and very similar to English. I did not find it easy. It may be due to the fact that I was already well-versed in one foreign language and I was not looking at it from a career point of view. I was learning it just to do something worthwhile on weekends rather than sitting at home watching TV or surfing internet aimlessly. Sudhir was also instrumental in joining the class as I would have his company while going to the class and also while coming back. I hate to do something entirely novice without knowing a face there. We both started enthusiastically. Sudhir picked it up very quickly and I was as usual in the back-seat, learning and observing slowly. But towards the end of level 1, Sudhir gave up and I continued till the end, gave my finals and scored decent marks. I learned to be on my own without Sudhir being around all the time.

And then after taking a break of 4 months, I joined Level 2 in August. No one from my previous batch was with me at the new level. It was a very mixed class and we gelled quite well. Augustin, our teacher was very enthusiastic and we sang songs with him on all the weekends that we had classes with him. And then I was introduced to this amazing world of Spanish music. When I heard it initially, it lacked the tune, rhythm, beat which the Indian music is replete of. Slowly, I began to follow and understand the lyrics. Well, there are not only love songs in Spanish. There are songs for specific events, occasions, and festivals. They also carry some message sometimes. One such song, which I came across and liked the tune and lyrics, is “Dejame Vivir”, which literally means let me live my life. Life is then compared with air, dove, etc. In short, it gives a message of living a carefree life, doing things what the heart really wants than letting the head rule over it.

I sometimes wonder, what would have my life being if I was a dove or just plain air? I just want to be and not think of many monetary benefits and logical explanations of life. I would have done things which would have given me immense pleasure and satisfaction, though less money.

I live in a society, which is bound by rules and regulations, which do not impact me directly. I mean, no one here directs me here to act and behave in a particular way, but whatever has been given to me by my parents is what I am carrying forward. Money is immensely important to be able to give yourself and your dependents a meaningful life. How would one define a meaningful life? Along with the basic necessities of food, clothing, and shelter, a bit of luxury and indulgence should also be provided. I am talking of this young generation and not of my grandparents who were happy with the minimal things they had in their life. When one has the instruments of power and wealth in his hands, he can sit back and talk about the poverty in 3rd world countries, the increasing value of rupee, doing some social help to the needy, etc. What I mean to say is once the standard threshold of necessities is crossed, can one think of thinking big and making a difference to the world. I do not deny that there were some exceptional individuals who rose high above the basic necessities and became world-class leaders, even though their basic needs were not fulfilled. But as I said, such people were exceptional and this cannot trigger down to masses every time.

Now that my basic needs are fulfilled and I have got married, have settled down quite well in a new city and new job which gives me a lot of money, but no mental satisfaction. How far can I take this dissatisfaction in the job with me and how much importance should I give to money? I have to decide at some point of time in life, whether to be a part of the dirty games played in the name of work or give myself the pleasure of seeing the happiness on the faces of the people, trying to learn a new foreign language which I will teach them?

Should I treat my juniors and colleagues as third class individuals or should I treat them as respectful individuals who have brains and also a heart? Should I kick this fat salary which is making my work-life unbearable and accept something less glamorous and less paying, but which will give me some satisfaction and also a freedom to pursue my own hobbies, passions and also engage in social work too?

There are so many people who exactly know what they want and surprisingly money is not always a priority. I know someone who gave up the dream of teaching, in spite of having done MA and B.Ed just for the sake of her kids and family who needed her. She has not regretted it once for having chosen family over independence and money. I also know someone who is a Chartered Accountant, highly brilliant, fluent in Russian and Polish, who got retired at the age of 40, went back to a “writing school” and is now a full-time writer and is in process of publishing his first novel. He writes for the pure joy of it and gets a very high satisfaction out of it. He didn’t care what people and society thought about his giving up of a high paying job with the Russian Embassy just to be with himself and do whatever he really wanted to do.

Isn’t that amazing? These people have guts to follow whatever they aspired and pursued it without any thoughts of remorse and regret. In this democratic country, one should be able to do what he/she wants, isn’t it? Of course, it should be within the laws and shouldn’t harm the interest of the other person. How many people practice what they have done academically with interest? I have 2 engineer friends, who are not working in the IT industry as Engineers but as German Language Experts. There may be many reasons behind it. The good pay for foreign language experts can be one of the reasons as well as the inability to get a decently paying job as Engineers could have driven them to take up this thing, which is almost entirely different than what they invested all the years of Engineering. I also know someone who has done post-graduation in Economics but is doing a data entry job in some unknown private company. This is a very blatant picture of reality and quite opposite to the example of the engineers, I cited earlier. I also know someone who has done Electrical Engineering but is now working as a Project Manager in a German company after doing some good courses in E-learning field. He never wanted to be in IT, but it seems he had no choice some 13 years back then to be a part of the herd which was either doing Engineering or medical. He wanted to do his post-graduation in History, but that wouldn’t have brought him so many bucks and luxury as he is currently enjoying. Am I am not sure if he is happy with this stressful like of his or he would have been happier in the life of an archaeologist or a lecturer. But he would have been engaged with that he really liked and would have been in a better position to enjoy the content of heart and fulfillment of his life as he would have done what he passionately likes to do. Money flows in very easily, but the joy of doing what one likes? It is missing, is what I feel. Money has brought him a name, fame, status, car, a fat bank balance, but what about his personal health? Choice of going off somewhere to see places, just like that? Lying on a beach watching the tide? Traveling in an ordinary sleeper class of train? Not anymore…

Living a carefree life, not worrying about the future or bank balance is not an in-thing today, because our ancestors have always stressed the virtue of planning for the future. In order to be able to live tomorrow, we have to let go of small things today. No one knows how many years he is going to live, but he wishes to die rich rather than live everyday modestly. This is my personal observation. Everybody is busy doing something worth in terms of monetary gain, monetary benefit. Who follows the heart nowadays? Who has the time to give to hobbies? Who pursues hobbies as careers? Hardly a few people do it. As there is no good monetary return, people prefer to slog in a brainless job rather than devoting time to hobbies and interests and pursuing them as a career.

Making people run after something which will never satisfy a human being is the characteristic of money. No matter how much one has, he can never be satisfied. He will want more and more and that will increase his frustration and inability to be content with whatever he currently has.

I am not going to be one amongst the 1000’s of people who let go of their mental satisfaction and peace in pursuit of earning more and more and more money. I have a choice of doing things little differently and I also have the time and choice to do something, I really like, unlike many others who are bound in technology, experience, etc. I am going to think about my inner peace rather than comparing myself in terms of lac of rupees I have in my bank. I do not care about what people will think of me when I refuse to work in a reputed IT company, do something out of the role defined for me.

I would rather follow my heart, do teaching, take up freelancing translation jobs, go for singing class, learn and teach Spanish, help people read and write, explore my writing abilities and be happy rather than cribbing every day coming to the office and doing what I detest.

Have you followed your heart yet?

Koustubh's birthday party

Someone has said, "The world's happiest friends never have the "SAME" characters… They just have the best understanding of their differences." How true is this sentiment! When I look around and give a thought to the list of my really close friends, not one of them is like me or behaves like me. It is just that we have some commonalities somewhere and that has binded into an eternal bond, which is stronger than anything else.

Koustubh, Sudhir and I met at HP. All of us had left our homes back and had come to Bangalore to eke out a living. Being the speakers of the same mother tongue, we gelled with each other so well that it was as if meeting some long lost friends again. Sudhir is the youngest of us and most pampered. He likes to be in sync with the on-going trends and wants the best in his life. He acts as if he is our grandfather, all the time giving us lectures on enjoying life, enjoying today etc. He is well read, diligent and has come up a long way in his life. He is crazy for movies, songs, books, and clothes. In short, he is the one likes to be appreciated and recognized.

Koustubh is more-laid back, serious kind of person when compared with Sudhir. But once the trio gets together, it is heaps of laughter, shouting, cheering, criticizing etc. We meet once/twice a month and in that meeting we have to say so many things to each other that we fight amongst ourselves as to who will narrate first and what he/she has gone through in the days we hadn't met. Koustubh and I discourage Sudhir from shopping incessantly. Being elder to him in experience and age, we have a lot of instructions to give him. He gets very irritated at times and just wants us to shut our mouths. Koustubh and Sudhir have petty fights just for the sake of it and they do not allow each other to speak a word less. I have fun listening them fight like kids and really enjoy because I know there is love behind all this and we three are like those huge rocks in each other lives which will never wash away or break away with time and tide.

I was thinking of what to gift Koustubh on his birthday as it was the very first time we were going to celebrate his birthday together in the last 3.5 yrs that we know each other. As I have gotten into a habit of reading books, thanks to my shuttle friend John, I thought of gifting him a nice book that would be interesting to him and that would give him some change, some adventure in the monotonous office-home-office routine. I took John's help in this, because he is the one who has read books 10 times of his age or even more I guess! We went to Sapna book house and selected a nice best seller for him. I love gifting greeting cards and also accept them as gifts. So selected that for him and a movie VCD that would be with him all his life as a remembrance of our friendship! With all these gifts, we reached the venue where we were supposed to meet each other for dinner. Sudhir joined us straight from office and I went home, got fresh and drove down to the venue.

The venue was "the Beach" restaurant. We had been there earlier in the last year for dinner and had loved the ambiance and the food. It was a quiet small place with real sand in between the sit outs and the bartenders are dressed in flashy, flowery clothes to give a feel of the beach. The restaurant is painted blue, has paintings of the waves on the wall. In short you feel as if you are relaxing on a beach and enjoying food.

But, that day was a big disappointment for me.

It was a Wednesday night, ladies night, where there are free drinks for the ladies. We reached there around 8:30 and it was not yet crowded. We waited for Koustubh to join us and slowly people started coming in. We had to change our seats thrice as it was leaking and Sudhir was ready to show his Pune style of getting things done, but thankfully we got a decent seat. Till we could order something, the lights went out.

Blaring music started thumping the grounds. All over the place, I could see ladies smoking and drinking very easily as if it is just like normal breathing for them. The guts of women who smoked when I was in college amazed me, but now I really become very sad in seeing such ladies. What do these women think they achieve when they smoke and drink? Do they think they are equals of men in all respects and they have full rights to act and behave like men? What are they gaining with this temporary lift up of mood? How can one enjoy the cause of so many deaths in such a non-ashamed way? What runs in their minds? Are there no better ways to release the stress in life?

Nowadays, our lives have become very stressful. We are all the time running after money, goals, status, and recognition. To be accepted as a part of the peer group, in order to be counted as one amongst the rat race, some people do and act like others. Just to show off, how modern and outstanding they are and how good can they enjoy their lives, they take to drinking and smoking. My friend, who was a chain smoker used to justify his smoking by saying that it is a occupational hazard and just because his colleagues smoke, he also "has" to smoke. People have a rosy picture to paint of their death that arrives with a silent note. But, people are oblivious of any future and want to enjoy their today. Fast paced life has taken a toll on our health, personal life. And many have turned to these vices for chilling out and releasing the vent up emotions of stress.

All these thoughts were breaking my head and on the other side loud music and clouds of smoke, smell of food, beer, alcohol all mixed up was creating a bit of uneasiness in me. In some time, everybody from the other tables started dancing. Some were at their tables, some in the sand which was near to the DJ work station and I saw a few people who had closed their eyes, had cigarette in one hand and a beer bottle in the other and were just swaying on the music beats as if they were in some trance and were no longer connected to the human world. I was shocked for a moment, is this what you call life, is this what you earn for, is this what our elders have set before us? Is this what they call the in-thing and cool thing to do? Is this what our culture is? Is this what we call globalization is?

Nevertheless, everybody has the right to live his or her life in the way he/she likes. People earn money and would like to spend it in whatever gives them happiness. This is definitely not my definition of enjoying and being happy and that was the reason I felt so out of place on that day. I felt very stupid of not having been able to connect with whatever was going on the dance floor and the couples and groups sitting around us. Ours was the only table which was very normal and not in air and behaving crankily.

What craze people have for loud music? I haven't been able to understand it yet. I am a music lover, but my taste is completely different and I do not quite enjoy loud and thumping music. I am a lover of soft, melodious tunes and they transfer me to a different world altogether. I think it is the same for the people who enjoy thundering music. They get relieved of their tensions, stress, discomfort etc. and I feel they want to shy themselves away from reality and so they resort to loud music where they won't be even reading own thoughts and mind. It is a gate to shut them up in a very different world, which will give them that happiness which they have been always searching for in their lives. This thought of living for the day really amazes me. I am always looking forward to the future, but that doesn't mean that I do not enjoy my present. It is said that today is a present and you have to accept and live it as a present. Tomorrow is a surprise for which one has to be ready. How one spends and enjoys his/her present is a matter of personal choice.

The pace at which we are running in the rat race is so alarming that sometimes I fear, what examples are we going to set for the younger generation? Where are those concepts of being well read, observant, and helpful, saving for the future? Are these concepts already extinct? Are we well equipped with whatever we possess to face the fury of future genetic and behavioral problems? Does money bring everything and is a cure for everything? I know, I am thinking too much, but it was just that moment sitting in that great restaurant and watching the scenes around me crossed my mind. I am sure there was not a single person thinking like me in that whole atmosphere of fun and frolic. As, I am not a party animal at all; I couldn't justify any of the actions of the people who came in the restaurant that day. Everybody seemed so relaxed and calm and ready to take on the world. Women have done a lot of progress and I was really zapped by seeing at their progress. It was a handful of the female population there, but it made a great impact on me. I really thank my parents and friends who never gave me such "wonderful" insights into life and made my life worth living for myself and also for others around me. I have far better things to do than waste my life in drinking and smoking.

Most important of all was Koustubh enjoyed his day, his birthday in the office and in the evening with us, his dear friends. He was a bit apprehensive too about the things going on in the restaurant, but we had no choice but to see, observe, eat food and go home. Food was delicious and we all were enjoying it with each other, thinking and contemplating that at least we are together for the evening. I hoped he liked the gift. He would never say it on face even if he didn't like it. Koustubh is that sort of person. He can never say no to anyone and to his loved ones, no way! He was also silently watching other people lost in the puffs of cigarettes, dancing away to popular numbers, oblivious of spilling drinks on the table, ignorant of others around.

This was a side of life to which I was thrown to, out of choice and out of compulsion. Choice, because I chose to attend the dinner party hosted by Koustubh and by compulsion, as I had to be there till we finished our dinners even though I was not feeling very comfortable. All this doesn't mean any offence to Koustubh, his intentions were neat and he hadn't imagined such a halla gulla in the restaurant. That was his special day and we had to make it all the more special by just being there with him, which I believe we did!

I had read somewhere, "Friendship is like just sitting with each other without saying anything and walking away as if it was the best conversation I ever had." Our friendship is beyond all the clichéd friendship tags and things and this insight into life for a night has made these 2 friends of mine all the more precious. When I am with them, I am myself. I am at ease. I do not have to show off anything or prove anything to anyone. It is the best thing that could ever happen to anyone. Being oneself at your natural self and being in peace with yourself.

Expectations

I always wanted to get back to the good old habit of writing since many days now. Writing has always been my savior when I had something to express or when I was emotionally down. But I didn’t either have time or inclination to make a conscious effort to sit down and write. I got the inspiration from my shuttle mate, John Jethi. He appears very quiet and serene, but has a very vast knowledge of books and authors. He likes to talk about them at any given point of time and he himself has written a couple of short essays depicting his thoughts about issues which are really close to his heart.

So, today was an ordinary day like every other day, where I had to go to another office for training named as “Team Working”. The training was ok, nothing great as I had expected. This is exactly where the thought process started. Expectations- this word has literally tortured me all my 29 years that I have lived on this earth. I do not know how this word and I am so closely related and why is the connection so strong that we both are just inseparable.

Which is the most beautiful moment in one’s life? According to me, it is achieving whatever one was aspiring all his life. And these beautiful moments come in your life many times. When you start walking on your own as a toddler, when you cuddle in your mother’s embrace, when you come in the merit list, when you realize you are in love, when your soul mate is there with you when you really need him/her to be by your side – could be the beautiful moments in one’s life.

The moment people step in our lives and we start building relationships in schools, peer groups, colleges, office, this word quietly sneaks in and becomes a ghostly figure between you and the person with whom you start interacting.

I expect my mom to understand my flared mood. I expect my friend to leave me alone for some time. I expect my colleague to share some of my work. I expect my life-partner to always read my mind and always keep me happy. Here is where I have entirely erred in my life. No two human beings are similar in any aspect. Being together for 3-4 hours and spending an entire life time with a person whom we believed to have known once upon a time is an altogether different thing. Upbringing is different, so is the emotional and socio-economic environment in which two people are raised. So how should I even think of that other person to be just like me and do everything I want him to do?

Situation gets worse when the other person doesn’t even consider things as problematic, which we perceive them as. And then starts the era of covering up and giving up communication totally. When two people with two different planes and mind set come together and are not able to move ahead with their differences, the best thing is avoiding communication in general. I do not believe in facing the problem and attacking its source etc., because for one person it is a problem and for the other it is just being over-sensitive and too emotional.

Entertaining me, being in my own world is now expectation from me. I have slowly started training myself in that direction, rather orienting myself in that way that I do not expect anything from anyone and avoid hurting myself in return, And I must say, that there is a marked difference in me. I now no longer have the bouts of depression. I have so many things in my life with which I can keep myself pre-occupied.

My parents mean the world to me and I will never let them be sad, seeing me sad as my expectations towards someone are not getting fulfilled. Only when I feel and achieve inner peace can I find peace and happiness in outside world and thus to achieve this immensely soothing inner peace, I will strike out the word “Expectations” from my life’s vocabulary and I know there are wonderful people out there, my close friends who will help me in finding it.

Unrequited

Paulo Coelho has said in some book of his. There is always a reason for meeting people in our life. There is some giving, taking, sharing, learning which happens when we meet someone. There is give and take of love, information, ideas etc. There is definitely a purpose behind this “destined” meeting. Philosophy fascinates me very much and I try to find the things which I read in the daily life and then try to analyze. One such true incident gave me enough proof that there is always something very fascinating and deep hidden in this event of meeting people.

People meet each other in many different ways, but stranger are the ways how they become buddies and stick out with each other and try to help each other out in any problem. Being always there matters and that was essence of Sanjeevani’s and Pushkar’s friendship. Sanjeevani is an average girl, married since some years now, is away from her family and friends and she tries to make some friends here, in the city of gardens so that she has someone to talk to about things that fancy her and which are close to her heart. Sanjeevani met Pushkar in her office and they clicked almost instantaneously and felt as if they were meeting after a gap of many years. It was like long lost friends catching up with the lost time.

Pushkar is originally from Maharashtra, now in Bangalore since past 3 years. He is working on a good position and is a very happy go lucky person. He loves enjoying all the possible things in life and he is always energized and charged up. He likes to cook, play badminton, watch movies and go on trekking. He lived alone in a small apartment and did the cooking, cleaning, maintaining the house all by himself. He likes to do all the household sundries and has no hang ups about anything in life. He is always cheerful, confident and ready to take anything and everything in his stride. He is a very good listener, counselor and he wants people around him to always be happy. In all, he is a very positive person and a true gem of a person.

Opposite to him is Sanjeevani. She is sad about the pace of her personal life, is constantly sulking, complaining, depressive, cries at the drop of a hat and thinks she alone is the sufferer of many a things in life and that she deserved something better and would like to end her miserable life. She is over-matured as compared to her age and believes there is no thing called love in this world and smile hasn’t visited her since many days. Due to this repetitive boring attitude of hers towards life, she had almost lost on the originality and innocence she had. She never tried to come out of this phase and lived in a shell of hers, where everything was dark, gory and sad and believed this was the wrong time that she took birth on this earth and in this era. In short, she was a completely negative person, but very good at heart. She was a good listener too and friendship for her was something which gave her relief from her dull and boring life.

How on earth would these two people like each other and how could they become great buddies? But just as it is said, opposites attract, I think the same happened between them and they shared all things going in their lives. Rather, it was Sanjeevani who did most of the talking and Pushkar did the listening part. There was certain warmth and some charm in her, which attracted him to her. Her child like innocence and the view which she had of the world was so very different than the matured and independent ladies of today. There was something very queer about her, which made him feel angry about her sadistic attitude towards life. He also genuinely cared for her and wished to take her out from this phase. He had started to take a liking for her and his day didn’t start without talking to Sanjeevani. He wanted to know everything that happened in that particular day when both of them were not interacting! Sanjeevani also looked forward to sessions where they discussed her work, her personal life, her likes, dislikes, her passions, her dreams, and her longing to attract some attention of her workaholic and practical husband. She was caught in some kind of rut, where she and her husband were not able to understand each other and there were differences and they were growing apart and cold day by day.

Pushkar always listened to one side of Sanjeevani’s story. He never got to meet or interact with her husband and he was not able to understand why her husband is so different from 10 other people and why can’t he behave normally with such a cute and sweet girl like Sanjeevani. Sanjeevani was also not a perfect human being. No one is, but as Sanjeevani was his best friend, he tried his best to help her, protect her and bring her out from this lopsided life of hers. They always spoke about Sanjeevani’s life, but nothing much about Pushkar’s life as if there was no existence of his beyond her and without her. It was as if Sanjeevani was his personal responsibility and keeping her happy and cheerful was his part of job which he did very sportingly.

Perhaps this is what they call love and Pushkar was unaware of all this going in his life. He had no thoughts other than her; he literally breathed her, thought her, slowly got involved in her and though he knew this was not going to take him anywhere or bring him anything, he expressed his love towards her. Sanjeevani was well aware of what was going on in his mind, because she trusted him so much that she started reading his thoughts. Sanjeevani had found a soul mate in Pushkar and she was very sure that if she was single, she would have definitely loved to spend her entire life with Pushkar. It was a very soothing thing for her to know that someone loves her inspite of all her idiosyncrasies. But she also knew her boundaries and knew that she can’t leave her present life and husband and she also knew that life is always full of adjustments. Friends who turn into life partner undergo a total change and “expectations” stick to their skins. She was not sure, if Pushkar would also have undergone the same change as 100 others do, but she was quite sure that the scene with him would have been quite different.

What all would Pushkar not do for her in case they were together?

He would always keep on calling on her, pampering her, praising her, being around her to protect her from any misery, sadness, pain. He would stand against all odds and be her friend to lend her a shoulder to cry on, philosopher to help her overcome anxiety and fear, a guide to show her the path to happiness and cheerfulness, a mother when she would be down. He would miss her the moment she was away from him and would always, rather all the time think of her and her happiness. He would give her the best and always be proud of having such an intelligent, caring, but a bit disillusioned her by his side. He would accept her just as she is with all her shortcomings, her flaws, her faults and always bank on the good things she has. He would nurse her wounds and heal them with his jokes and tales and would make her sleep singing a favorite song of hers.

Sanjeevani knew, Pushkar would do all this for her, but she was not married to him, but someone else whom she thought she knew, but things turned out to be completely different for both of them. She made it clear to Pushkar that it will not be possible for her to give him anything in return for his limitless love and affection. Pushkar was ok with it. He took all this pain in his stride, which was very much his characteristic and said smiling:

Pushkar: It is ok, Sanjeevani. It is not less that we at least met. It is entirely my problem that I like you so much and want to be with you all the time.

Sanjeevani: But, Pushkar, how can you live like this? How long will this go on?

Pushkar: What? Love is even after death is what I have heard, but this life-time will be spent on you and I have no issues, really! You don’t have to do anything about it other than just being with me just as you are, talking and sharing all things.

There was a time when Sanjeevani voiced out the desire to walk out of her married life as it was increasingly getting difficult for her to cope emotionally. The differences were so huge that even their parents knew about their estranged relationship. At that time, Pushkar had expressed his wish to get married to her and be with her all his life. But Sanjeevani refused, she was not sure of what she really wanted and asked him to carry on with his life. She always wished someone better for him. He deserved a much more dynamic, intelligent and emotionally stable girl.

In the meanwhile, Pushkar got married and they lost touch with each other due to some petty quarrel. But Pushkar made it up and started talking to her again. By this time, Sanjeevani was out of her sad mood and had found a new meaning for herself in whatever she did. She stopped being fussy, irritable, sulky, sullen, self pitying and had started finding happiness in every small thing. She had stopped bothering about her impossible husband, rather she had given up on him completely and instead of brooding over him and her life, she lashed out on the problem very violently and chucked tears, sadness, and depression out of her life.

Pushkar was very delighted to see Sanjeevani, who underwent quite a change in his absence. Maybe that was also one of the factor that Sanjeevani decided to be strong and happy as Pushkar was not around to listen to sad and boring tales. Sanjeevani almost believed that she had lost a dear friend for life. But what is friendship and love without its ups and downs, without its after-effects? He liked Sanjeevani in her revamped form, where she was very happy and cheerful just as he had always wanted her to be in every walk of life. He believed life is too short to sit brooding and one should live each day as it is his/her last day on the earth.

All is well that ends well, isn’t it? But this story doesn’t end here.

Pushkar still loves Sanjeevani, still misses her in every walk of life and remembers her on every small occasion or event. He knows very well that he has to be loving and caring to his life partner now which he also is, but he also can’t stop loving Sanjeevani just because she is not his wife. He loves his wife but loves Sanjeevani more than her.

Now, is there anything like this you have ever known? Do you think this is possible? I was not aware of such type of love, which is eternal and endures all boundaries of time and space. Can anyone go on loving the other person endlessly and crazily even if he knows that nothing is going to come out of it? Can anyone love someone whom he is never going to be with? Can anyone always pray for the happiness of someone, when he knows quite well that he is not going to be a part of that happiness ever? Can someone have such a big heart? Is there no end to that spring of love, warmth and care whose name is Pushkar? Is there no world where these two people can be together?

Perhaps, in the next birth.

Perhaps, never.

Can anyone love someone in this way? Can anyone be so much involved in someone like this? Is this madness, craziness or just another form of pure, passionate and undemanding love?

But this is the very essence of true love, isn’t it?

Undemanding yet fulfilling.

Not expecting, but yet giving away everything.

Being always there no matter what.

Being away and far, yet being so very near and being dear

People come in all shapes and sizes, but this is 1

God sent angel!

Priorities

Finally, Anil is going back to Hyderabad and he is extremely happy about it. He broke this news to me yesterday when I called him to inquire about a common friend of ours as that friend was not reachable on cell. Anil has managed to get a job in Hyderabad with a decent salary package and will be in his very hometown with his people which was the most important thing of all. I was happy for hi, , but was also sad that I would lose a very good friend cum ex-colleague. We worked together in my previous company and though it is almost 9 months that I have left it, I am still missing my buddies who grew from my colleagues to friends and then to close friends. Anil was one of them. Anil looks as if he is a very quiet and shy person at the very first meeting with him. But when you start interacting with him regularly, you realize that he is fun to be with. He speaks in a typical Hyderabadi tone and makes you laugh. He has a mischievous face and his eyes play a major role in appearing mischievous! He has firm views about people around him and he is very vocal about it, which sometimes lands him into trouble. But he is just not bothered. He talks to everybody in the team but is friends with a handful of them. He doesn't get involved in any controversies, does his part of the job without getting involved in it and he knows extremely well how to sound and be like a thorough professional. He helps others when needed, but is very laid back most of the time. Getting involved in the work brings unhappiness and makes one upset is what I have learned from my previous experience and I must admit that I have lost the zeal and innocence of working at something which he/she is passionate about. I know so many people, who have different educational backgrounds and have landed up in a totally different field. They work on something which they have never ever done in their lives. I do not know what exactly goes in their minds and lives as I was very convinced some months ago that you ought to be fortunate enough in getting to do you always wanted, rather doing only what you have learned. But people have different opinions and now people are open to change. I know someone who has done his Electrical Engineering and has landed up with a job in an MNC and he is doing something in the e-learning field which is just a baby in India. Is there any connection between these two things? Nope, but people are happy in learning something which would help them earn bucks and help them sustain in this competitive world where everybody wants to excel in his/her own field and they choose nay path which comes across to achieve that so-called happiness in terms of money, fame, and status. So, Anil belongs to this category of people who are trained in something else and have landed up doing something totally different. He is a Spanish language expert and works as a German, Italian and Portuguese resource. He has molded himself in such a way that is literally ready to work for any region in the team and so he is very popular amongst the managers and team leaders who want him badly in case some language resource is absent. His manager doesn't want him to go back to Hyderabad where his family is, his real happiness it. He is very close to his family and stays in a joint family with his parents, brothers, sisters-in-law, nieces, nephews, etc. He is the youngest of 3 brothers and is very pampered and loved by his family members. He goes to Hyderabad every fortnight to be with his family and spend quality time with them. He is very sad when he returns to Bangalore. He hardly has any friends here with whom he can go out on the weekends. Bangalore offers solace to maddening crowds of people who love to dance, smoke, drink, eat in pubs, bars, etc. But for people like me and Anil, it has little to offer and we have to find the means of being happy by ourselves. There are so many people like me who have left their hometowns, families, friends and come here to eke out a living. Earning for a living and missing out on all those small things related to that house where we grew up, laughed, ate together with our parents, grandparents, learn the most important lessons of loving, caring, sharing, being humble and kind to others which no school, college or institution teaches you officially. Leaving all this far behind and setting up a different world of ours and our friends and colleagues, but where there are no parents and other family members who were responsible for bringing us to this peak of our careers. All the childhood memories just remain like a small dot somewhere in our minds and we all assimilate ourselves nicely in the new life, culture, friend circle thinking, and believing that this is my life. This is what I have chosen for myself. Every year we visit our respective homes in the other towns and wonder if we really belonged here sometime if we really were a part of all this just some years ago. Friends are busy with their own routine and it is a holiday time only for is. Many of our friends move out, get married, settle somewhere else and we lose touch with them. Everybody except us is very busy in that particular period when we decide to go on a trip down the memory lane. then we wonder wasn't Bangalore better? We come back to the work town and are almost inexplicable about our trip to the hometown. How strange is our mind! I am amazed at its powerful submission to any routine which it believes is going to be permanent for at least some time now. How nicely we blend ourselves with the hectic schedules in the work town! How quickly do we believe that we have been here for ages now? We almost forget that part of life and people where we study grew together and tend to remember the present where we are working and earning. This is a part and parcel of life, of growing, becoming independent, rich, famous, self-confident, and matured enough to carry on alone. How many people have the courage to carry in alone? How many people are ready to give up this luxurious and independent life and go back to the lives where they spent the best time and be with the people, who love them unconditionally. I do not have the courage to go back to my hometown which has nothing else to offer me than the most precious people in my life, my parents, and grandmom. But still, I won't leave this luxurious and independent life and go back and my people also won't like it as I am at the best of the career phase. I am glad someone has the guts to go back where his heart is, someone knows where his happiness is and going back to the place where he always longed to go. I am very glad, that at least Anil did it!!

She was the one

Daily, I get up at 6:30. In one hour, I finish off all my routine of brushing teeth, doing Pranayam, taking a bath, and then breakfast, praying and leaving for the office. I catch a local at 7:42 and reach office exactly at 9:30 after taking a train to Dadar and then again a train to Bandra and then a 15 walk to the office. This has been my schedule for the past 15 years. Nothing has ever changed in this routine of mine. Only when monsoons arrive and only when it rains like crazy and the trains get late are there some chances of me getting late to the office. Like always, I reached Bandra station at 9:15. There is always a rush on the train during peak hours and sometimes I do not get a place to sit. But still, I was never bored with this journey from home to the office which was almost 2 hours one way. We all had formed a group that traveled at the same time on the same train from the past many years. Relieving ourselves of personal tensions and preparing ourselves for the boring mundaneness of office work, we had formed a family outside the home. That was also just another day when I said bye to my train friends and stepped out of the Bandra station and I saw her... I stood frozen for 2 minutes. I could understand now what that "love at first sight means". I had seen it many times in the movies or read it in books, but this was the first time I had really felt something like it. I didn't know what to do. I stood there like crazy watching and observing her from top to bottom. She had a fair complexion, a pink luster just like a rose. She was looking very fresh just like the morning dew. I fell short of words in exactly describing her. My mind was racing, the heart was pounding, thoughts were swarming. I came to my senses and realized that I was still on the road and to reach the office literally running. I was happy the other days in doing that, but today somehow I just dragged my feet and left from there. Not for a minute, I could think away from her. Her image was dancing in front of my eyes. I could not even watch her to my heart's fullest content. I should have waited for some more time, will I see her in the evening? Oh god, help me. I was having a very different feeling and butterflies in my stomach. There were certain uneasiness and longing. 9 hours were just not passing today. There are only 60 seconds in a minute, but today those were passing like an hour. If I could have some power on time, I would have taken him directly to 6 o'clock, when I could push off to see her again (in case I was lucky. Everything was so quiet today. I was not able to concentrate on anything, couldn't eat properly, couldn't talk to my colleagues today. She had occupied my day, time, and space today. At last, the clock struck 6:30 and I rushed from the office. On other days, I would chat away to glory even after 6:30, but today was out at 6:31. Everybody was surprised at my behavior today, but I neither had time and inclination to explain to them the chain of events. I literally ran my way to the station and there I saw her again. She was looking just the same as I had left her in the morning, beautiful, delicate, attractive. I was happy to see her and was all my painstaking efforts were fruitful in seeing and meeting her again. This started happening almost daily now. Seeing her, observing her, thinking about her became my daily routine. But it was only confined to whatever I felt for her. I could never express my feelings to her. Every day I mustered courage but thought tomorrow would be a good day to break the ice. I had almost lost track of time and I had already lost the peace of my mind. I didn't realize when June approached and one day it exactly happened as it is often shown in the Hindi movies. It was raining heavily accompanied by a strong gush of wind, thunder and lightning were also dancing with each other. Skies were oozing black color and in this totally romantic atmosphere, I saw her with someone else... Yes, it was raining very heavily and he was with her. Yes, with her With the umbrella, which I had liked soooooooooo much!!!!!!

Abhi...

It has been 4 years now that I talked to Abhishek. And on Tuesday, I get an off liner from him on yahoo asking how am I doing? I was so happy to see his message that I didn't know how to react and what to write? I replied back saying I was fine and asked about his well-being! Why has he pinged me after so many years? Does he still remember me? miss me? Has he got married? Does he have kids? Does he still go on selling mobiles? Does he have a new car now? I wanted to ask him so many questions, but he was offline and I didn't think it proper to dig out all that has been buried by me. Why was I so happy about seeing his message? Hadn’t I forgotten him and kicked him out of my life?

Abhishek, a hurricane, a windstorm in my life which came for a very short time and left in the same manner, keeping me hazed for life. It is very true that I haven't been able to forget him for a day of my life. It is just like you breathe in and out that I think about him. He was the first person in my life who said, I was beautiful and that was very important to me at that point in life, where I was feeling lost, inferior and almost on the verge of collapsing. I do not know what he saw in me, I was neither beautiful nor sexy and intelligent. But yes, my heart was pure and that reflected in all my actions, I guess.

I do not know how I took such a great risk of meeting a stranger. A person, whom I had just talked to on the phone and knew nothing about him at all, it was just a blind faith, craziness, puppy love which attracted me towards him. But somehow I didn't feel any pangs about it and straight away went and met him without any fear. Now when I think of it, I laugh at myself for being so reckless and careless. He could have done anything to me at that time, cos I was just a kid in front of him. He had a big treasure of experiences with him, he dealt with people all the time and knew what types of people are there in the corporate world and how bad is it. But, when it came to interacting with me, he was altogether a different person. A caretaker, a friend, a father figure, who always treated me as a small kid lost in this big bad world! He used to tell me about the things he did at work and all the fun and frolic he has while working. He always worked till 1-2 in the night and never considered work as work and that is the reason he always enjoyed it and never got tired of it. No matter what happened he always was up and going, even if he didn't get proper sleep. I was amazed at his stamina and the way he dealt with any damn problem that poses before him.

He seldom got angry, but when he was, all the possible bad words use to foul his mouth, and he was only a professional at that time, no more a human being. He cared for people, his family, expressed less as most of the men do. He donated some amount of money to the needy children every year so that they get a quality life. One bad habit was his smoking habit, which I detested. He used to call it "occupational hazard" as he was unable to quit it due to his colleagues who were also chain smokers and the stressful job was another factor, which "needed" smoking to be relieved of the tension and stress. How funny!

The outlook on life was very different when it came to both of us. He was a man, carefree, without any responsibilities and I was a girl who wanted to achieve something in life with the degree she had earned after working very hard for it. I was a safe-player and he a big risk-taker. This was one of the main reasons why we couldn't be together in the journey of life. He wanted to first establish relations go about and then commit and I was dead against any such thing, no matter how forward this society had become. I was just not ready to shed this fear and inhibition, if you may call so. Yes, if I had married him, then I was all his. But till that time, I was not ready to sacrifice my celibacy, not even for a person whom I loved the most. Such was my moral or conviction. And this was the main thing, which set us apart.

We tried many times before in the period in which we were together to stop calling each other or thinking about each other, but all the attempts were unsuccessful. Then finally one day, he called at night and vented out all his anger, frustration on me by calling me a heart breaker and calling my love and affection and care for him as a big lie. I was very hurt by this statement of his because I had invested my 100 % in me and was ready to be by his side under favorable circumstances. But in his anger at that moment, he ruined those remote chances and I took that statement by heart after which I never called him, though I thought about him almost every day and even thought of calling him on his birthday, which is 2 days later than mine. But I didn't and thus we drifted apart physically, but were it also mentally?

I do not know what he thought about that fateful day about me, but he never tried to contact me after that day, except for 2-3 times on yahoo messenger, which I royally ignored as I didn't want to continue any relationship with him and by that time I had mistakenly fallen in love with the person who is, unfortunately, my husband now. I wanted to give my husband, my 200 % in which I didn't succeed and today, I think what did I see in my life partner that I decided to spend my entire life with him? Was it love in the real sense or was it just for seeking revenge on Abhi who left me without even hearing my side? Did I really fall in love or just in the idea or fashion of falling in love? Just like any other fairy tale story, I imagined myself in the arms of my prince, swept by my feet, etc. which never ever works in real life!

Anyways, I had only seen it in films or read it in books that you let go of whatever is with you in search of finding something better and I think, I have exactly done that in failing to recognize my true happiness with a person who was exactly opposite to me and ended up spending a life with someone whom I thought was like me. Books and movies are a reflection of human life, isn't it? What would you call our bond as? Failed and broken just because we are not in touch or eternal and everlasting because we still think of each other, but that has remained only in our hearts?

You have to decide...

Realisation

I fell on my bed tired and exhausted, not having strength even to move an inch. It was feeling as if all my bones were cracking inside the surface of my skin and they would tear apart my skin anytime and would just protrude out. I also realize the thudding and pounding of my heart, which was not a very usual observation about my heart. I realized today, what it really means when your heart is pumping blood in and out and keeping you alive and kicking. My breathlessness made me realize that I also breathe like a million other people and I also could sense the air going in and coming out from my nose!

All these days, I inhaled all the possible pollutants in my system, while traveling to the office every day and I have no idea what all types of gases, I have inhaled. I had learned some in the chemistry class while in 8th standard, but the trio of Physics, Chemistry and Biology didn’t make any impression on me and I deserted them after the SSC and hardly saw them again in my life until this day today which reminded me once again of the Carbon monoxide, Sulphur dioxide and what not. The things I detested testing in the laboratory are now my regular accomplices. And they all have just one color, black which is a mixture of all of them together making them all the more deadly. Having a uniformity is good, but not in silent killers who proudly boast of making people vulnerable to all the respiratory diseases like bronchitis, asthma etc.

Coming back to the point, I could now think of all the damage my body has undergone in this stressful and fast-paced life. I almost was working mechanically and without realizing the pace at which I was running after something. Yes, I call it something, because I am not sure, why I am running and after what I am running. Is it money, fame, status, will to achieve, excel? I am not very sure, but just as others are doing it, I am also following them in the herd!

I am following a very strict time schedule in which I am out of the house for almost 12 hours, working very hard in the office, stressing myself out for someone sitting in a far distant country of some continent like Europe or America. I keep myself busy, rather believe that I am busy in solving their problems, trying to make their lives easier so that they have profits and they are happy and relaxed. And at whose cost am I doing all this? At my own mental and physical health’s cost. Sometimes, I skip lunch, snacks, dinner, when I am deeply stuck in the problem. Does this affect anyone else in the world than me myself? Just as my body helps me to carry out all the daily activities without much difficulty, I should also help my body by giving it the necessary fuel so that it gets charged and I feel energetic, isn’t it? But this simple logic is lost out in the fad of “delivering on time”. We almost think that we are superhuman beings without a body and a soul and can carry out things endlessly.

All this over-confidence of mine was punctured like a balloon when I joined the aerobic classes for my own joy and happiness and basically to reduce some weight. All this while, following very unusual eating and living style, I have conjured up a lot of ailments, thyroid, obesity, sometimes high BP, etc. I have also another disease which is called “wasteful thinking” and it is I think a compulsive behavior disorder where you, again and again, do the same thing consciously or unconsciously. I do thinking in that manner, compulsorily and unnecessarily. I understand, it doesn’t take me anywhere and doesn’t do me any good, but still like a lunatic I keep on thinking and thinking and thinking. So, I thought, that's enough of self-killing and I should come out of this phase, I joined the aerobic classes, which I was again just thinking of doing for many months.

It gave me immense pleasure and fun in dancing away the weariness and tiredness of the day and a new me has emerged, who loves life, enjoyment and every good thing that gives joy. Where was this facet of mine all this while? What had happened to me in such a mundane and dull life? Where was the zest, the vigor, the happiness, which I was always famous for? Where was that charm and desire to dance away all the fear and troubles in my life? Yes, I found the laid back me again and decided to take charge of my life once again! I enjoyed every bit of aerobics which was coupled with dance steps and the Yogasanas which are very helpful to keep you mentally fit and fine. The initial days make you lose heart and it pains all over, but you just have to keep going for better result and should not give it up.

Yogasanas and pranayama help you to meet your inner self. They make you aware of the magic of the breathing technique which has a very different effect on your body. We almost breathe unconsciously every day, but if we do it consciously and by realizing its different patterns, we would never ever be able to thank breathing for the good effects it leaves on our body and mind. There are no doctors required, no specialists required if you just take a little care of your body is what I have learned off late.

It is just a matter of taking charge of your life and doing wonders with small things which have a very big cumulative effect in the long run. Aerobics helped me ease out my tensions, my wasteful thinking. I enjoy dancing on rhythm and beat and feel it great that I can follow my heart! This gives me immense self-confidence and boosts morale. I feel very happy to go home, take a bath, read a book. Yes, I have also taken to compulsory reading nowadays, which is not bad like wasteful thinking. It is a self-discipline technique which I have imposed on myself and feel very happy about it.

There are some things, which one must regularly do like a habit. Reading, praying, exercising, contemplating, anything which gives you happiness. Some time when you can be with yourself helps you realize what all are you missing in this hectic life. Some things with which you can pamper yourself, a bite of your favorite chocolate, make candles of different shapes and sizes and colors, dance in the rain, smell the green after the rains, see a rainbow, observe the azure skies, watching rains from home with a hot coffee cup in hand. That one moment of happiness is very vital to your sustenance in a challenging and competitive life. It gives you a direction, a direction to your thoughts and life becomes much more meaningful and cheerful.

So, when are you taking charge of your life?

When are you going to meet your own self?

When are you going to seize that happy moment?