Expectations

I always wanted to get back to the good old habit of writing since many days now. Writing has always been my savior when I had something to express or when I was emotionally down. But I didn’t either have time or inclination to make a conscious effort to sit down and write. I got the inspiration from my shuttle mate, John Jethi. He appears very quiet and serene, but has a very vast knowledge of books and authors. He likes to talk about them at any given point of time and he himself has written a couple of short essays depicting his thoughts about issues which are really close to his heart.

So, today was an ordinary day like every other day, where I had to go to another office for training named as “Team Working”. The training was ok, nothing great as I had expected. This is exactly where the thought process started. Expectations- this word has literally tortured me all my 29 years that I have lived on this earth. I do not know how this word and I am so closely related and why is the connection so strong that we both are just inseparable.

Which is the most beautiful moment in one’s life? According to me, it is achieving whatever one was aspiring all his life. And these beautiful moments come in your life many times. When you start walking on your own as a toddler, when you cuddle in your mother’s embrace, when you come in the merit list, when you realize you are in love, when your soul mate is there with you when you really need him/her to be by your side – could be the beautiful moments in one’s life.

The moment people step in our lives and we start building relationships in schools, peer groups, colleges, office, this word quietly sneaks in and becomes a ghostly figure between you and the person with whom you start interacting.

I expect my mom to understand my flared mood. I expect my friend to leave me alone for some time. I expect my colleague to share some of my work. I expect my life-partner to always read my mind and always keep me happy. Here is where I have entirely erred in my life. No two human beings are similar in any aspect. Being together for 3-4 hours and spending an entire life time with a person whom we believed to have known once upon a time is an altogether different thing. Upbringing is different, so is the emotional and socio-economic environment in which two people are raised. So how should I even think of that other person to be just like me and do everything I want him to do?

Situation gets worse when the other person doesn’t even consider things as problematic, which we perceive them as. And then starts the era of covering up and giving up communication totally. When two people with two different planes and mind set come together and are not able to move ahead with their differences, the best thing is avoiding communication in general. I do not believe in facing the problem and attacking its source etc., because for one person it is a problem and for the other it is just being over-sensitive and too emotional.

Entertaining me, being in my own world is now expectation from me. I have slowly started training myself in that direction, rather orienting myself in that way that I do not expect anything from anyone and avoid hurting myself in return, And I must say, that there is a marked difference in me. I now no longer have the bouts of depression. I have so many things in my life with which I can keep myself pre-occupied.

My parents mean the world to me and I will never let them be sad, seeing me sad as my expectations towards someone are not getting fulfilled. Only when I feel and achieve inner peace can I find peace and happiness in outside world and thus to achieve this immensely soothing inner peace, I will strike out the word “Expectations” from my life’s vocabulary and I know there are wonderful people out there, my close friends who will help me in finding it.

Unrequited

Paulo Coelho has said in some book of his. There is always a reason for meeting people in our life. There is some giving, taking, sharing, learning which happens when we meet someone. There is give and take of love, information, ideas etc. There is definitely a purpose behind this “destined” meeting. Philosophy fascinates me very much and I try to find the things which I read in the daily life and then try to analyze. One such true incident gave me enough proof that there is always something very fascinating and deep hidden in this event of meeting people.

People meet each other in many different ways, but stranger are the ways how they become buddies and stick out with each other and try to help each other out in any problem. Being always there matters and that was essence of Sanjeevani’s and Pushkar’s friendship. Sanjeevani is an average girl, married since some years now, is away from her family and friends and she tries to make some friends here, in the city of gardens so that she has someone to talk to about things that fancy her and which are close to her heart. Sanjeevani met Pushkar in her office and they clicked almost instantaneously and felt as if they were meeting after a gap of many years. It was like long lost friends catching up with the lost time.

Pushkar is originally from Maharashtra, now in Bangalore since past 3 years. He is working on a good position and is a very happy go lucky person. He loves enjoying all the possible things in life and he is always energized and charged up. He likes to cook, play badminton, watch movies and go on trekking. He lived alone in a small apartment and did the cooking, cleaning, maintaining the house all by himself. He likes to do all the household sundries and has no hang ups about anything in life. He is always cheerful, confident and ready to take anything and everything in his stride. He is a very good listener, counselor and he wants people around him to always be happy. In all, he is a very positive person and a true gem of a person.

Opposite to him is Sanjeevani. She is sad about the pace of her personal life, is constantly sulking, complaining, depressive, cries at the drop of a hat and thinks she alone is the sufferer of many a things in life and that she deserved something better and would like to end her miserable life. She is over-matured as compared to her age and believes there is no thing called love in this world and smile hasn’t visited her since many days. Due to this repetitive boring attitude of hers towards life, she had almost lost on the originality and innocence she had. She never tried to come out of this phase and lived in a shell of hers, where everything was dark, gory and sad and believed this was the wrong time that she took birth on this earth and in this era. In short, she was a completely negative person, but very good at heart. She was a good listener too and friendship for her was something which gave her relief from her dull and boring life.

How on earth would these two people like each other and how could they become great buddies? But just as it is said, opposites attract, I think the same happened between them and they shared all things going in their lives. Rather, it was Sanjeevani who did most of the talking and Pushkar did the listening part. There was certain warmth and some charm in her, which attracted him to her. Her child like innocence and the view which she had of the world was so very different than the matured and independent ladies of today. There was something very queer about her, which made him feel angry about her sadistic attitude towards life. He also genuinely cared for her and wished to take her out from this phase. He had started to take a liking for her and his day didn’t start without talking to Sanjeevani. He wanted to know everything that happened in that particular day when both of them were not interacting! Sanjeevani also looked forward to sessions where they discussed her work, her personal life, her likes, dislikes, her passions, her dreams, and her longing to attract some attention of her workaholic and practical husband. She was caught in some kind of rut, where she and her husband were not able to understand each other and there were differences and they were growing apart and cold day by day.

Pushkar always listened to one side of Sanjeevani’s story. He never got to meet or interact with her husband and he was not able to understand why her husband is so different from 10 other people and why can’t he behave normally with such a cute and sweet girl like Sanjeevani. Sanjeevani was also not a perfect human being. No one is, but as Sanjeevani was his best friend, he tried his best to help her, protect her and bring her out from this lopsided life of hers. They always spoke about Sanjeevani’s life, but nothing much about Pushkar’s life as if there was no existence of his beyond her and without her. It was as if Sanjeevani was his personal responsibility and keeping her happy and cheerful was his part of job which he did very sportingly.

Perhaps this is what they call love and Pushkar was unaware of all this going in his life. He had no thoughts other than her; he literally breathed her, thought her, slowly got involved in her and though he knew this was not going to take him anywhere or bring him anything, he expressed his love towards her. Sanjeevani was well aware of what was going on in his mind, because she trusted him so much that she started reading his thoughts. Sanjeevani had found a soul mate in Pushkar and she was very sure that if she was single, she would have definitely loved to spend her entire life with Pushkar. It was a very soothing thing for her to know that someone loves her inspite of all her idiosyncrasies. But she also knew her boundaries and knew that she can’t leave her present life and husband and she also knew that life is always full of adjustments. Friends who turn into life partner undergo a total change and “expectations” stick to their skins. She was not sure, if Pushkar would also have undergone the same change as 100 others do, but she was quite sure that the scene with him would have been quite different.

What all would Pushkar not do for her in case they were together?

He would always keep on calling on her, pampering her, praising her, being around her to protect her from any misery, sadness, pain. He would stand against all odds and be her friend to lend her a shoulder to cry on, philosopher to help her overcome anxiety and fear, a guide to show her the path to happiness and cheerfulness, a mother when she would be down. He would miss her the moment she was away from him and would always, rather all the time think of her and her happiness. He would give her the best and always be proud of having such an intelligent, caring, but a bit disillusioned her by his side. He would accept her just as she is with all her shortcomings, her flaws, her faults and always bank on the good things she has. He would nurse her wounds and heal them with his jokes and tales and would make her sleep singing a favorite song of hers.

Sanjeevani knew, Pushkar would do all this for her, but she was not married to him, but someone else whom she thought she knew, but things turned out to be completely different for both of them. She made it clear to Pushkar that it will not be possible for her to give him anything in return for his limitless love and affection. Pushkar was ok with it. He took all this pain in his stride, which was very much his characteristic and said smiling:

Pushkar: It is ok, Sanjeevani. It is not less that we at least met. It is entirely my problem that I like you so much and want to be with you all the time.

Sanjeevani: But, Pushkar, how can you live like this? How long will this go on?

Pushkar: What? Love is even after death is what I have heard, but this life-time will be spent on you and I have no issues, really! You don’t have to do anything about it other than just being with me just as you are, talking and sharing all things.

There was a time when Sanjeevani voiced out the desire to walk out of her married life as it was increasingly getting difficult for her to cope emotionally. The differences were so huge that even their parents knew about their estranged relationship. At that time, Pushkar had expressed his wish to get married to her and be with her all his life. But Sanjeevani refused, she was not sure of what she really wanted and asked him to carry on with his life. She always wished someone better for him. He deserved a much more dynamic, intelligent and emotionally stable girl.

In the meanwhile, Pushkar got married and they lost touch with each other due to some petty quarrel. But Pushkar made it up and started talking to her again. By this time, Sanjeevani was out of her sad mood and had found a new meaning for herself in whatever she did. She stopped being fussy, irritable, sulky, sullen, self pitying and had started finding happiness in every small thing. She had stopped bothering about her impossible husband, rather she had given up on him completely and instead of brooding over him and her life, she lashed out on the problem very violently and chucked tears, sadness, and depression out of her life.

Pushkar was very delighted to see Sanjeevani, who underwent quite a change in his absence. Maybe that was also one of the factor that Sanjeevani decided to be strong and happy as Pushkar was not around to listen to sad and boring tales. Sanjeevani almost believed that she had lost a dear friend for life. But what is friendship and love without its ups and downs, without its after-effects? He liked Sanjeevani in her revamped form, where she was very happy and cheerful just as he had always wanted her to be in every walk of life. He believed life is too short to sit brooding and one should live each day as it is his/her last day on the earth.

All is well that ends well, isn’t it? But this story doesn’t end here.

Pushkar still loves Sanjeevani, still misses her in every walk of life and remembers her on every small occasion or event. He knows very well that he has to be loving and caring to his life partner now which he also is, but he also can’t stop loving Sanjeevani just because she is not his wife. He loves his wife but loves Sanjeevani more than her.

Now, is there anything like this you have ever known? Do you think this is possible? I was not aware of such type of love, which is eternal and endures all boundaries of time and space. Can anyone go on loving the other person endlessly and crazily even if he knows that nothing is going to come out of it? Can anyone love someone whom he is never going to be with? Can anyone always pray for the happiness of someone, when he knows quite well that he is not going to be a part of that happiness ever? Can someone have such a big heart? Is there no end to that spring of love, warmth and care whose name is Pushkar? Is there no world where these two people can be together?

Perhaps, in the next birth.

Perhaps, never.

Can anyone love someone in this way? Can anyone be so much involved in someone like this? Is this madness, craziness or just another form of pure, passionate and undemanding love?

But this is the very essence of true love, isn’t it?

Undemanding yet fulfilling.

Not expecting, but yet giving away everything.

Being always there no matter what.

Being away and far, yet being so very near and being dear

People come in all shapes and sizes, but this is 1

God sent angel!

Priorities

Finally, Anil is going back to Hyderabad and he is extremely happy about it. He broke this news to me yesterday when I called him to inquire about a common friend of ours as that friend was not reachable on cell. Anil has managed to get a job in Hyderabad with a decent salary package and will be in his very hometown with his people which was the most important thing of all. I was happy for hi, , but was also sad that I would lose a very good friend cum ex-colleague. We worked together in my previous company and though it is almost 9 months that I have left it, I am still missing my buddies who grew from my colleagues to friends and then to close friends. Anil was one of them. Anil looks as if he is a very quiet and shy person at the very first meeting with him. But when you start interacting with him regularly, you realize that he is fun to be with. He speaks in a typical Hyderabadi tone and makes you laugh. He has a mischievous face and his eyes play a major role in appearing mischievous! He has firm views about people around him and he is very vocal about it, which sometimes lands him into trouble. But he is just not bothered. He talks to everybody in the team but is friends with a handful of them. He doesn't get involved in any controversies, does his part of the job without getting involved in it and he knows extremely well how to sound and be like a thorough professional. He helps others when needed, but is very laid back most of the time. Getting involved in the work brings unhappiness and makes one upset is what I have learned from my previous experience and I must admit that I have lost the zeal and innocence of working at something which he/she is passionate about. I know so many people, who have different educational backgrounds and have landed up in a totally different field. They work on something which they have never ever done in their lives. I do not know what exactly goes in their minds and lives as I was very convinced some months ago that you ought to be fortunate enough in getting to do you always wanted, rather doing only what you have learned. But people have different opinions and now people are open to change. I know someone who has done his Electrical Engineering and has landed up with a job in an MNC and he is doing something in the e-learning field which is just a baby in India. Is there any connection between these two things? Nope, but people are happy in learning something which would help them earn bucks and help them sustain in this competitive world where everybody wants to excel in his/her own field and they choose nay path which comes across to achieve that so-called happiness in terms of money, fame, and status. So, Anil belongs to this category of people who are trained in something else and have landed up doing something totally different. He is a Spanish language expert and works as a German, Italian and Portuguese resource. He has molded himself in such a way that is literally ready to work for any region in the team and so he is very popular amongst the managers and team leaders who want him badly in case some language resource is absent. His manager doesn't want him to go back to Hyderabad where his family is, his real happiness it. He is very close to his family and stays in a joint family with his parents, brothers, sisters-in-law, nieces, nephews, etc. He is the youngest of 3 brothers and is very pampered and loved by his family members. He goes to Hyderabad every fortnight to be with his family and spend quality time with them. He is very sad when he returns to Bangalore. He hardly has any friends here with whom he can go out on the weekends. Bangalore offers solace to maddening crowds of people who love to dance, smoke, drink, eat in pubs, bars, etc. But for people like me and Anil, it has little to offer and we have to find the means of being happy by ourselves. There are so many people like me who have left their hometowns, families, friends and come here to eke out a living. Earning for a living and missing out on all those small things related to that house where we grew up, laughed, ate together with our parents, grandparents, learn the most important lessons of loving, caring, sharing, being humble and kind to others which no school, college or institution teaches you officially. Leaving all this far behind and setting up a different world of ours and our friends and colleagues, but where there are no parents and other family members who were responsible for bringing us to this peak of our careers. All the childhood memories just remain like a small dot somewhere in our minds and we all assimilate ourselves nicely in the new life, culture, friend circle thinking, and believing that this is my life. This is what I have chosen for myself. Every year we visit our respective homes in the other towns and wonder if we really belonged here sometime if we really were a part of all this just some years ago. Friends are busy with their own routine and it is a holiday time only for is. Many of our friends move out, get married, settle somewhere else and we lose touch with them. Everybody except us is very busy in that particular period when we decide to go on a trip down the memory lane. then we wonder wasn't Bangalore better? We come back to the work town and are almost inexplicable about our trip to the hometown. How strange is our mind! I am amazed at its powerful submission to any routine which it believes is going to be permanent for at least some time now. How nicely we blend ourselves with the hectic schedules in the work town! How quickly do we believe that we have been here for ages now? We almost forget that part of life and people where we study grew together and tend to remember the present where we are working and earning. This is a part and parcel of life, of growing, becoming independent, rich, famous, self-confident, and matured enough to carry on alone. How many people have the courage to carry in alone? How many people are ready to give up this luxurious and independent life and go back to the lives where they spent the best time and be with the people, who love them unconditionally. I do not have the courage to go back to my hometown which has nothing else to offer me than the most precious people in my life, my parents, and grandmom. But still, I won't leave this luxurious and independent life and go back and my people also won't like it as I am at the best of the career phase. I am glad someone has the guts to go back where his heart is, someone knows where his happiness is and going back to the place where he always longed to go. I am very glad, that at least Anil did it!!

She was the one

Daily, I get up at 6:30. In one hour, I finish off all my routine of brushing teeth, doing Pranayam, taking a bath, and then breakfast, praying and leaving for the office. I catch a local at 7:42 and reach office exactly at 9:30 after taking a train to Dadar and then again a train to Bandra and then a 15 walk to the office. This has been my schedule for the past 15 years. Nothing has ever changed in this routine of mine. Only when monsoons arrive and only when it rains like crazy and the trains get late are there some chances of me getting late to the office. Like always, I reached Bandra station at 9:15. There is always a rush on the train during peak hours and sometimes I do not get a place to sit. But still, I was never bored with this journey from home to the office which was almost 2 hours one way. We all had formed a group that traveled at the same time on the same train from the past many years. Relieving ourselves of personal tensions and preparing ourselves for the boring mundaneness of office work, we had formed a family outside the home. That was also just another day when I said bye to my train friends and stepped out of the Bandra station and I saw her... I stood frozen for 2 minutes. I could understand now what that "love at first sight means". I had seen it many times in the movies or read it in books, but this was the first time I had really felt something like it. I didn't know what to do. I stood there like crazy watching and observing her from top to bottom. She had a fair complexion, a pink luster just like a rose. She was looking very fresh just like the morning dew. I fell short of words in exactly describing her. My mind was racing, the heart was pounding, thoughts were swarming. I came to my senses and realized that I was still on the road and to reach the office literally running. I was happy the other days in doing that, but today somehow I just dragged my feet and left from there. Not for a minute, I could think away from her. Her image was dancing in front of my eyes. I could not even watch her to my heart's fullest content. I should have waited for some more time, will I see her in the evening? Oh god, help me. I was having a very different feeling and butterflies in my stomach. There were certain uneasiness and longing. 9 hours were just not passing today. There are only 60 seconds in a minute, but today those were passing like an hour. If I could have some power on time, I would have taken him directly to 6 o'clock, when I could push off to see her again (in case I was lucky. Everything was so quiet today. I was not able to concentrate on anything, couldn't eat properly, couldn't talk to my colleagues today. She had occupied my day, time, and space today. At last, the clock struck 6:30 and I rushed from the office. On other days, I would chat away to glory even after 6:30, but today was out at 6:31. Everybody was surprised at my behavior today, but I neither had time and inclination to explain to them the chain of events. I literally ran my way to the station and there I saw her again. She was looking just the same as I had left her in the morning, beautiful, delicate, attractive. I was happy to see her and was all my painstaking efforts were fruitful in seeing and meeting her again. This started happening almost daily now. Seeing her, observing her, thinking about her became my daily routine. But it was only confined to whatever I felt for her. I could never express my feelings to her. Every day I mustered courage but thought tomorrow would be a good day to break the ice. I had almost lost track of time and I had already lost the peace of my mind. I didn't realize when June approached and one day it exactly happened as it is often shown in the Hindi movies. It was raining heavily accompanied by a strong gush of wind, thunder and lightning were also dancing with each other. Skies were oozing black color and in this totally romantic atmosphere, I saw her with someone else... Yes, it was raining very heavily and he was with her. Yes, with her With the umbrella, which I had liked soooooooooo much!!!!!!

Abhi...

It has been 4 years now that I talked to Abhishek. And on Tuesday, I get an off liner from him on yahoo asking how am I doing? I was so happy to see his message that I didn't know how to react and what to write? I replied back saying I was fine and asked about his well-being! Why has he pinged me after so many years? Does he still remember me? miss me? Has he got married? Does he have kids? Does he still go on selling mobiles? Does he have a new car now? I wanted to ask him so many questions, but he was offline and I didn't think it proper to dig out all that has been buried by me. Why was I so happy about seeing his message? Hadn’t I forgotten him and kicked him out of my life?

Abhishek, a hurricane, a windstorm in my life which came for a very short time and left in the same manner, keeping me hazed for life. It is very true that I haven't been able to forget him for a day of my life. It is just like you breathe in and out that I think about him. He was the first person in my life who said, I was beautiful and that was very important to me at that point in life, where I was feeling lost, inferior and almost on the verge of collapsing. I do not know what he saw in me, I was neither beautiful nor sexy and intelligent. But yes, my heart was pure and that reflected in all my actions, I guess.

I do not know how I took such a great risk of meeting a stranger. A person, whom I had just talked to on the phone and knew nothing about him at all, it was just a blind faith, craziness, puppy love which attracted me towards him. But somehow I didn't feel any pangs about it and straight away went and met him without any fear. Now when I think of it, I laugh at myself for being so reckless and careless. He could have done anything to me at that time, cos I was just a kid in front of him. He had a big treasure of experiences with him, he dealt with people all the time and knew what types of people are there in the corporate world and how bad is it. But, when it came to interacting with me, he was altogether a different person. A caretaker, a friend, a father figure, who always treated me as a small kid lost in this big bad world! He used to tell me about the things he did at work and all the fun and frolic he has while working. He always worked till 1-2 in the night and never considered work as work and that is the reason he always enjoyed it and never got tired of it. No matter what happened he always was up and going, even if he didn't get proper sleep. I was amazed at his stamina and the way he dealt with any damn problem that poses before him.

He seldom got angry, but when he was, all the possible bad words use to foul his mouth, and he was only a professional at that time, no more a human being. He cared for people, his family, expressed less as most of the men do. He donated some amount of money to the needy children every year so that they get a quality life. One bad habit was his smoking habit, which I detested. He used to call it "occupational hazard" as he was unable to quit it due to his colleagues who were also chain smokers and the stressful job was another factor, which "needed" smoking to be relieved of the tension and stress. How funny!

The outlook on life was very different when it came to both of us. He was a man, carefree, without any responsibilities and I was a girl who wanted to achieve something in life with the degree she had earned after working very hard for it. I was a safe-player and he a big risk-taker. This was one of the main reasons why we couldn't be together in the journey of life. He wanted to first establish relations go about and then commit and I was dead against any such thing, no matter how forward this society had become. I was just not ready to shed this fear and inhibition, if you may call so. Yes, if I had married him, then I was all his. But till that time, I was not ready to sacrifice my celibacy, not even for a person whom I loved the most. Such was my moral or conviction. And this was the main thing, which set us apart.

We tried many times before in the period in which we were together to stop calling each other or thinking about each other, but all the attempts were unsuccessful. Then finally one day, he called at night and vented out all his anger, frustration on me by calling me a heart breaker and calling my love and affection and care for him as a big lie. I was very hurt by this statement of his because I had invested my 100 % in me and was ready to be by his side under favorable circumstances. But in his anger at that moment, he ruined those remote chances and I took that statement by heart after which I never called him, though I thought about him almost every day and even thought of calling him on his birthday, which is 2 days later than mine. But I didn't and thus we drifted apart physically, but were it also mentally?

I do not know what he thought about that fateful day about me, but he never tried to contact me after that day, except for 2-3 times on yahoo messenger, which I royally ignored as I didn't want to continue any relationship with him and by that time I had mistakenly fallen in love with the person who is, unfortunately, my husband now. I wanted to give my husband, my 200 % in which I didn't succeed and today, I think what did I see in my life partner that I decided to spend my entire life with him? Was it love in the real sense or was it just for seeking revenge on Abhi who left me without even hearing my side? Did I really fall in love or just in the idea or fashion of falling in love? Just like any other fairy tale story, I imagined myself in the arms of my prince, swept by my feet, etc. which never ever works in real life!

Anyways, I had only seen it in films or read it in books that you let go of whatever is with you in search of finding something better and I think, I have exactly done that in failing to recognize my true happiness with a person who was exactly opposite to me and ended up spending a life with someone whom I thought was like me. Books and movies are a reflection of human life, isn't it? What would you call our bond as? Failed and broken just because we are not in touch or eternal and everlasting because we still think of each other, but that has remained only in our hearts?

You have to decide...

Realisation

I fell on my bed tired and exhausted, not having strength even to move an inch. It was feeling as if all my bones were cracking inside the surface of my skin and they would tear apart my skin anytime and would just protrude out. I also realize the thudding and pounding of my heart, which was not a very usual observation about my heart. I realized today, what it really means when your heart is pumping blood in and out and keeping you alive and kicking. My breathlessness made me realize that I also breathe like a million other people and I also could sense the air going in and coming out from my nose!

All these days, I inhaled all the possible pollutants in my system, while traveling to the office every day and I have no idea what all types of gases, I have inhaled. I had learned some in the chemistry class while in 8th standard, but the trio of Physics, Chemistry and Biology didn’t make any impression on me and I deserted them after the SSC and hardly saw them again in my life until this day today which reminded me once again of the Carbon monoxide, Sulphur dioxide and what not. The things I detested testing in the laboratory are now my regular accomplices. And they all have just one color, black which is a mixture of all of them together making them all the more deadly. Having a uniformity is good, but not in silent killers who proudly boast of making people vulnerable to all the respiratory diseases like bronchitis, asthma etc.

Coming back to the point, I could now think of all the damage my body has undergone in this stressful and fast-paced life. I almost was working mechanically and without realizing the pace at which I was running after something. Yes, I call it something, because I am not sure, why I am running and after what I am running. Is it money, fame, status, will to achieve, excel? I am not very sure, but just as others are doing it, I am also following them in the herd!

I am following a very strict time schedule in which I am out of the house for almost 12 hours, working very hard in the office, stressing myself out for someone sitting in a far distant country of some continent like Europe or America. I keep myself busy, rather believe that I am busy in solving their problems, trying to make their lives easier so that they have profits and they are happy and relaxed. And at whose cost am I doing all this? At my own mental and physical health’s cost. Sometimes, I skip lunch, snacks, dinner, when I am deeply stuck in the problem. Does this affect anyone else in the world than me myself? Just as my body helps me to carry out all the daily activities without much difficulty, I should also help my body by giving it the necessary fuel so that it gets charged and I feel energetic, isn’t it? But this simple logic is lost out in the fad of “delivering on time”. We almost think that we are superhuman beings without a body and a soul and can carry out things endlessly.

All this over-confidence of mine was punctured like a balloon when I joined the aerobic classes for my own joy and happiness and basically to reduce some weight. All this while, following very unusual eating and living style, I have conjured up a lot of ailments, thyroid, obesity, sometimes high BP, etc. I have also another disease which is called “wasteful thinking” and it is I think a compulsive behavior disorder where you, again and again, do the same thing consciously or unconsciously. I do thinking in that manner, compulsorily and unnecessarily. I understand, it doesn’t take me anywhere and doesn’t do me any good, but still like a lunatic I keep on thinking and thinking and thinking. So, I thought, that's enough of self-killing and I should come out of this phase, I joined the aerobic classes, which I was again just thinking of doing for many months.

It gave me immense pleasure and fun in dancing away the weariness and tiredness of the day and a new me has emerged, who loves life, enjoyment and every good thing that gives joy. Where was this facet of mine all this while? What had happened to me in such a mundane and dull life? Where was the zest, the vigor, the happiness, which I was always famous for? Where was that charm and desire to dance away all the fear and troubles in my life? Yes, I found the laid back me again and decided to take charge of my life once again! I enjoyed every bit of aerobics which was coupled with dance steps and the Yogasanas which are very helpful to keep you mentally fit and fine. The initial days make you lose heart and it pains all over, but you just have to keep going for better result and should not give it up.

Yogasanas and pranayama help you to meet your inner self. They make you aware of the magic of the breathing technique which has a very different effect on your body. We almost breathe unconsciously every day, but if we do it consciously and by realizing its different patterns, we would never ever be able to thank breathing for the good effects it leaves on our body and mind. There are no doctors required, no specialists required if you just take a little care of your body is what I have learned off late.

It is just a matter of taking charge of your life and doing wonders with small things which have a very big cumulative effect in the long run. Aerobics helped me ease out my tensions, my wasteful thinking. I enjoy dancing on rhythm and beat and feel it great that I can follow my heart! This gives me immense self-confidence and boosts morale. I feel very happy to go home, take a bath, read a book. Yes, I have also taken to compulsory reading nowadays, which is not bad like wasteful thinking. It is a self-discipline technique which I have imposed on myself and feel very happy about it.

There are some things, which one must regularly do like a habit. Reading, praying, exercising, contemplating, anything which gives you happiness. Some time when you can be with yourself helps you realize what all are you missing in this hectic life. Some things with which you can pamper yourself, a bite of your favorite chocolate, make candles of different shapes and sizes and colors, dance in the rain, smell the green after the rains, see a rainbow, observe the azure skies, watching rains from home with a hot coffee cup in hand. That one moment of happiness is very vital to your sustenance in a challenging and competitive life. It gives you a direction, a direction to your thoughts and life becomes much more meaningful and cheerful.

So, when are you taking charge of your life?

When are you going to meet your own self?

When are you going to seize that happy moment?