When Shakespeare wrote this quotation in his famous play, Hamlet, he wouldn’t have imagined that time and again this historic quotation of his would be repeated by one and all in many occasions at many times. Yet again, I take the help of that famous quotation to depict my state of mind in the recent 2-3 days.
Every year around this time of the month, the atmosphere in office is usually filled with lot of anticipations, anxieties, bouts of nervousness and sometimes happiness too. This is that time when the annual appraisal takes place and we get to know the ratings based on our performance during the year. My company follows the September to August cycle unlike many other MNCs. So, towards the end of August, there is lot of discussion which happens in almost every bay and people are patiently waiting for their turns when the manager calls upon them and tells them the rating, which the senior management has evaluated in their own way against so many parameters. The rating is generally fixed much earlier, only that it is communicated to us now.
I also took turn to know the rating and yes, I was also promoted to the next level…
I had so many ideas in my head about the rating and the promotion. I was jumping in joy (all in mind, office requires certain etiquettes, doesn’t it) at the very thought of promotion. I have seen people, who had less experience and knowledge than me climb the ladders of success in office, reasons, whatever. I was expecting a promotion due to my performance and other initiatives and being flexible and open to all the critical deadlines. At least, I thought so…
After waiting impatiently for 2 days, my manager finally called me and told me my rating first and there went my bubbled balloon. Burst!!!! I was compared with other Developers inspite of being a translator and even my manager knew that it is not fair. But company policies are such that one has to follow them, no matter whether they really make sense or are good for the employees. I was also told by my manager that I am a better performer than what my rating denotes and that he was very happy with my current trend of performance. He added a few improvement areas that I need to be visible and outspoken in my work. I had thought all this while that my work will speak for itself and that I need not shout it aloud to others sounding as if only I am working in this whole universe. I need to let other people know, it seems, that I am working so much per day and giving so and so output and that I am very much a part of this thing and that thing too, other than just putting 9 hrs into work.
I found this very funny. For people like me, who believe that we come to office for putting sincere efforts in our work and not to while time and that being serious and sincere in work life takes us a long way, this was a great blow. I ought to be visible to my seniors in what way? Dabble with everything and everyone in the project and let them know that look, I am here too and I need attention too. Please give me attention and your time as I am very special human being on this earth.
No, I do no think I can ever do that. I can never act like my senior who does everything else, but work. She is into client meetings, with high profile management people, who hardly know her to the core, who is utter clumsy and forgetful in her work, who needs help of someone else in every thing she does. But, yes, she is undoubtedly the attention seeking queen, who creates a very good impression on one and everybody she meets with her sweet and sugary talks. Sometimes, I feel that I ought to learn something from people like her and then even I would be in the limelight for wrong reasons.
But! There is something called “inner voice”, isn’t it? My conscience doesn’t permit me this, nor my values and upbringing and that is the reason perhaps that I am far far behind my peers, who have been aggressive and have become managers in a short span of time. But I am happy with whatever I am today, at least at the end of the day, I come back home satisfied with whatever work I do. I can have a good night sleep without any nightmares of something which I messed up.
And I almost forget in all this rating thing that my manager had also told me that I have promoted and have moved to the next level?
But I did not jump in joy on hearing that. I could not feel any sense of exhilaration in me. I couldn’t feel myself floating like a cloud in the skies. My mood was already off by listening that even I have the usual rating which 80 % of the public might have got. All my close friends congratulated me. For them getting promoted was far more important than getting a decent rating. That is the usual way to look at it and because they loved me and wanted to cheer me up; they said all these things, isn't it?
I did not know whether to be happy because I got promoted or feel bad about the fact that all the things which I did all this year were not good enough to get a better rating and that I need to put in more efforts. What more can a translator actually does when he/she is not even mapped to a common umbrella called capability, where we would be rated against other translators and not developers or testers.
So the question still haunts me,
to be happy or not to be..
to be satisfied with whatever I got or strive for more which I am not sure if I will get inspite of good work..
to be thankful to God for whatever he gave me or complain to him that he is not always fair to me in many aspects…
to enjoy the promotion and count my blessings and the good wishes of all those who love me or fret and fume and spoil the joy of getting promoted..
So, I chose to adopt the first option. I pat my back for getting promoted, treated myself with Café Frappe in CCD. Moving one level up is also one achievement of it’s kind and in a span of less than 3 yrs at work, it is a very good going! One should learn to accept whatever comes their way and take it into his/her stride.
I am going to celebrate this happy moment in my life by going out for dinner with my hubby and a bunch of close friends.
Wanna join?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The end or the beginning
There are no answers to certain questions in this world. Though we have reached the moon and have almost everything in this world accessible at the click of the button, still there are some aspects of human life and it’s functioning, which have been intriguing the scientists and doctors even today. What happens when a person dies? Where does his so-called soul go? If the soul or mind is present in the body, why can’t it be photographed or depicted graphically in a MRI or a body scan? What happens when the mind and body co-ordination fails? There might be many theoretical answers to these questions which may seem to be real, but nothing has been proven yet. And that’s why it makes a human life all the more precious and that is the reason why it should be cherished and looked after well. It is a combination of so many cells, nerves, tissues, bones, oxygen, and blood. I may have missed a few other vital elements too. And yes, how can one forget the super boss, the brain which supervises the functions of other organs so that we can carry out the regular day-to-day activities.
The development of this super boss is a bit late when we talk about the inception. But it is indeed amazing to see a fetus in the womb of its mother. I think it is just like magic or a miracle which takes shape in a period of 9 months. The month by month development of the baby is backed by so many back-end operations, isn’t it? The final product is a baby of flesh and blood readied by tireless efforts of every small organ in the reproductive system of a woman and then later in the body of the baby itself. But then why are some women not able to be a part of this miracle? Why can’t they be the medium of bringing a throbbing baby to life? Again, there are scientific explanations of why some women are unable to conceive. There are innumerous treatments available in the market, which I think have mushroomed everywhere like any other business assuring harried couples that even they can be a part of this miracle. Earlier this very phenomenon occurred without any complications and was very natural and easy. My mom never went for scan or a gynecologist every month to get herself checked and for me it has become so difficult to bring her grandchild in this world.
I have been married for close to 4 years now. I have always loved babies from the time, I do not even remember now. First two years of marriage were spent in adjusting emotionally and physically with my husband and when we both thought that we are ready to start a family, I underwent a scan just to check everything was ok. It started trying at that time, but then after repeated and sincere efforts, nothing was coming through. I consulted the gynecologist once again and she suggested that I go for a scan so that we would be able to know if any assistance was required. That scan showed that the follicle size in the ovaries is not mature enough to ovulate (release an egg). No natural egg release means no scope for the fertilization to happen and no scope of a baby being born out of it. That doctor advised me to take some injections to artificially stimulate the follicles so that they release egg. I was never very pro for such kinds of medical treatments which are rampant nowadays. There are so many side-effects that one has to suffer after these treatments, that one would be left thinking it is better to be childless than to suffer so much. Though the technology and science have advanced in leaps and bounds in the past 10 years, there is no single medical treatment, I believe, which swears that it is harmless to the body and does not have any side-effects. I somehow was not convinced and didn’t get time to do that session of injections and artificial stimulation.
We were trying on and off for about 8 to 10 months. I reduced my weight thinking that obese people can’t conceive easily. I literally starved myself to be able to conceive effortlessly. I am sure; it must have done some damage to the body, which can’t be traced medically. Now that we were again very serious about starting the family and it hadn’t happened yet, we decided to visit an infertility clinic. The problem was obviously in me as his reports were all normal. So I got another scan done, in which this time, to my utter disappointment there were no follicles at all. And there was a cyst sitting right there very proudly laughing at my state. Cysts are also a major contributor to infertility and inability to conceive. No follicle in the ovaries this time left me sad and upset. Instead of having made a positive development by taking proper diet, reducing my weight, doing exercises, staying happy and calm, the growth of follicles had got regressed in the ovaries. Is there any explanation for this? The doctor has no answer, he says it happens, it is very common. This month there are no follicles does not mean that there won’t be any in the next cycle either. There is no particular pattern in which the body behaves every month. Nothing can be predicted, nothing can be assured, and we can just keep hoping is what I derived from that doctor’s talks.
This doctor wants me to take injections and stop the menses for 3 months. He wants to create a tendency called pseudo-menopause, which he believes will cure me of the pain during menses and also relieve me of cysts which are nothing but bad eggs, that can’t become a baby. Stopping a natural phenomenon which had been occurring from the past 16 years is a very scary thing for me. The reaction of that drug on the mental and physical health should also be considered. My husband believes that stopping the menses is logical enough and we should go for a second opinion (only because I am not comfortable with this very idea) and then decide the course of action. He also has his own logical reasons saying that I need not be upset about it at all and should be happy that at least the problem is identified. Had I been born 100 years ago, everybody would have cursed me for not being able to bear a child and the family and the society would have ostracized me and would have made my life a living hell.
I agree completely with him that things have changed a lot in the past 100 years. But then is it not “normal” enough to feel bad on being a failure in this regard when all my near and dear friends are becoming proud mothers and fathers seeing and commenting the smallest development of their child. Has the emotionality of ladies changed over the past 100 years? Have they stopped feeling sad or getting upset because they have become financially and emotionally so advanced now? No, I do not think so. There is a mother hidden in every woman, there is a motherly tendency in every little girl or woman and some are fortunate enough to become mothers in real to their kids and some just remain foster mothers only. So even though I know that my problem is not the end of my world and existence, it has shaken me to a large extent and I would definitely require time to come back to normal. I will take a second opinion and that doctor would tell me something new and may confuse me still further. But I have to be hopeful. Praying, chanting, being helpful and cheerful would definitely bring me something good, though late was what I believed all this while, but then my medical condition and reports have forced me to re-consider it. Why it had to be me? What harm have I done to anyone that this happiness of becoming a mother is constantly evading me month after month? What wrong am I doing to my body that the body is just not able to produce something which is so common in all other women?
Is this an end of all my hopes and aspirations to become a mother or is this is a temporary pause for something big coming my way in future or is this a new beginning of self-realization that there are many other good things in life to cherish and enjoy and contribute rather than crying over something which is just unexplainable and out of my scope and anybody’s understanding?
Only time will tell.
The development of this super boss is a bit late when we talk about the inception. But it is indeed amazing to see a fetus in the womb of its mother. I think it is just like magic or a miracle which takes shape in a period of 9 months. The month by month development of the baby is backed by so many back-end operations, isn’t it? The final product is a baby of flesh and blood readied by tireless efforts of every small organ in the reproductive system of a woman and then later in the body of the baby itself. But then why are some women not able to be a part of this miracle? Why can’t they be the medium of bringing a throbbing baby to life? Again, there are scientific explanations of why some women are unable to conceive. There are innumerous treatments available in the market, which I think have mushroomed everywhere like any other business assuring harried couples that even they can be a part of this miracle. Earlier this very phenomenon occurred without any complications and was very natural and easy. My mom never went for scan or a gynecologist every month to get herself checked and for me it has become so difficult to bring her grandchild in this world.
I have been married for close to 4 years now. I have always loved babies from the time, I do not even remember now. First two years of marriage were spent in adjusting emotionally and physically with my husband and when we both thought that we are ready to start a family, I underwent a scan just to check everything was ok. It started trying at that time, but then after repeated and sincere efforts, nothing was coming through. I consulted the gynecologist once again and she suggested that I go for a scan so that we would be able to know if any assistance was required. That scan showed that the follicle size in the ovaries is not mature enough to ovulate (release an egg). No natural egg release means no scope for the fertilization to happen and no scope of a baby being born out of it. That doctor advised me to take some injections to artificially stimulate the follicles so that they release egg. I was never very pro for such kinds of medical treatments which are rampant nowadays. There are so many side-effects that one has to suffer after these treatments, that one would be left thinking it is better to be childless than to suffer so much. Though the technology and science have advanced in leaps and bounds in the past 10 years, there is no single medical treatment, I believe, which swears that it is harmless to the body and does not have any side-effects. I somehow was not convinced and didn’t get time to do that session of injections and artificial stimulation.
We were trying on and off for about 8 to 10 months. I reduced my weight thinking that obese people can’t conceive easily. I literally starved myself to be able to conceive effortlessly. I am sure; it must have done some damage to the body, which can’t be traced medically. Now that we were again very serious about starting the family and it hadn’t happened yet, we decided to visit an infertility clinic. The problem was obviously in me as his reports were all normal. So I got another scan done, in which this time, to my utter disappointment there were no follicles at all. And there was a cyst sitting right there very proudly laughing at my state. Cysts are also a major contributor to infertility and inability to conceive. No follicle in the ovaries this time left me sad and upset. Instead of having made a positive development by taking proper diet, reducing my weight, doing exercises, staying happy and calm, the growth of follicles had got regressed in the ovaries. Is there any explanation for this? The doctor has no answer, he says it happens, it is very common. This month there are no follicles does not mean that there won’t be any in the next cycle either. There is no particular pattern in which the body behaves every month. Nothing can be predicted, nothing can be assured, and we can just keep hoping is what I derived from that doctor’s talks.
This doctor wants me to take injections and stop the menses for 3 months. He wants to create a tendency called pseudo-menopause, which he believes will cure me of the pain during menses and also relieve me of cysts which are nothing but bad eggs, that can’t become a baby. Stopping a natural phenomenon which had been occurring from the past 16 years is a very scary thing for me. The reaction of that drug on the mental and physical health should also be considered. My husband believes that stopping the menses is logical enough and we should go for a second opinion (only because I am not comfortable with this very idea) and then decide the course of action. He also has his own logical reasons saying that I need not be upset about it at all and should be happy that at least the problem is identified. Had I been born 100 years ago, everybody would have cursed me for not being able to bear a child and the family and the society would have ostracized me and would have made my life a living hell.
I agree completely with him that things have changed a lot in the past 100 years. But then is it not “normal” enough to feel bad on being a failure in this regard when all my near and dear friends are becoming proud mothers and fathers seeing and commenting the smallest development of their child. Has the emotionality of ladies changed over the past 100 years? Have they stopped feeling sad or getting upset because they have become financially and emotionally so advanced now? No, I do not think so. There is a mother hidden in every woman, there is a motherly tendency in every little girl or woman and some are fortunate enough to become mothers in real to their kids and some just remain foster mothers only. So even though I know that my problem is not the end of my world and existence, it has shaken me to a large extent and I would definitely require time to come back to normal. I will take a second opinion and that doctor would tell me something new and may confuse me still further. But I have to be hopeful. Praying, chanting, being helpful and cheerful would definitely bring me something good, though late was what I believed all this while, but then my medical condition and reports have forced me to re-consider it. Why it had to be me? What harm have I done to anyone that this happiness of becoming a mother is constantly evading me month after month? What wrong am I doing to my body that the body is just not able to produce something which is so common in all other women?
Is this an end of all my hopes and aspirations to become a mother or is this is a temporary pause for something big coming my way in future or is this a new beginning of self-realization that there are many other good things in life to cherish and enjoy and contribute rather than crying over something which is just unexplainable and out of my scope and anybody’s understanding?
Only time will tell.
Forgiving and letting it go
I was flooded with congratulatory calls from all over the place, and I simply didn't know how to handle so much of attention as I was not at all used to it. I used to write some essays and stories and poems once a while, and that was a hit amongst all my good friends. I always thought that it was their goodness that they appreciate my work so much and I didn't have much of a potential to be on par with Arundhati Ghosh or Anita Desai or someone like their contemporaries. But only my book of short stories won the best national book, I truly believed that I can also write well. My close friends were immensely happy. My school mates, college friends, heaped praises on me. My in-laws were also there to bless me. My parents were amazed to see this side of me as I had never revealed it to them that I also write occasionally. One more feather added to the cap beamed my parents. I was always good at academics, good at work, a good daughter, wife and a daughter-in-law, a good mother to my twins, and now a good writer too!
*************************************************************
Amongst the first calls to congratulate me was my old friend from the ACC Company, Jitendra, who was a great inspirer and who pulled me back to serious writing. I had written a few poems in college, and I loved writing essays and long descriptive answers in the exam. But I took too seriously penning down my thoughts about issues and people around me after Jitendra showed me his writings. He told me that I need to cultivate this habit, and he used to regularly ask me to write about things that bothered me, pained me, and made me happy. I started writing small essays on things that were near to my heart and slowly started venturing into short stories also. The first draft was always sent to Jitendra, who would review my style and punctuations and sentence structures etc. He also gave me tips to improve my vocabulary and choice of words and also commented on my progress on the same. So, he was more happy and excited when I had submitted my book to the jury of the award. And he was surer than I was that I will definitely win the prize this year. Finally, when the award was announced on Television, the phone rang, and I picked it up.
Jitendra: Hello, it's me!! See, I had told you that you are a sure winner this time. My words came true!
I: Yes, Jitendra, thanks to you. You were always the beacon in this phase of my life, and I can never thank you for your support and encouragement.
Jitendra: Of course, you can! You can treat me with Pizza @ Dominos, and then we make the usual trip to Sapna Bookhouse. You should give me the signed copy of your book with now the award-winning author tag!
I (laughing loudly): Oh Jitendra, you haven't changed a bit. You still remember the good old days we used to go for a Pizza party and our regular trips to Sapna book house. Yes, it has been a long time that we caught up with each other and discussed movies and books and music. When do you want to meet up?
Jitendra: On Saturday? Is it a good time for you? Hope Akash and your kids aren't upset that you are out on a Saturday morning.
I: Oh no, not at all. The kids have some workshop at school, so I will drop them to the venue and will meet you at 11 @ Sapna book house. We do the books browsing, book signing ceremony there, and push off to Dominos. Akash is out of the town, I must say out of the country. He will be only back by Sunday evening, and the kids will get free by 4 pm on Saturday. So, we will have a lot of time to talk, and yes, I also want to discuss a few things with you. I need your expert advice as always.
Jitendra (smiles): Anytime for you, dear, sure, not a problem, I will buzz you at about 10 on Saturday to confirm and shall meet you then. And yes, heartiest congratulations on winning this award. You deserved it.
I: Thank you very much for the kind words, Jitendra, see you on Saturday then.
Jitendra: Yes, definitely, take care, bye!
I: Bye!
********************************************************
I put the phone and smiled to myself. How some things never change with time, and they get better and better with time just like the grandma's pickles, which only tastes better and better with the passing days or like an old wine which tastes best after many years of processing. Some friends like Jitendra have helped me grow out of my shell and inhibitions, and how can I ever thank them for showing me the path to be happy and be myself? Sameer, Kshitij have always been my backbones in Bangalore and there is no time in the day when I can't call them for help or for just talking my heart out. Even during my initial struggle with bringing up twins, they both have helped me babysit one of the babies when no one was in town with me. Akash was always touring and his or my parents then stayed with me to take care of the babies. Sometimes, when they couldn't manage Sameer or his wife or Kshitij would come over after office and help me feed the babies and play with them. They all dot on Manas and Asawari so much that I feel we all are one big family living together happily.
Just like Sameer and Kshitij, Jitendra has also been there whenever I had to talk and sort out things with people, with whom I was working part-time or any small problem which would upset me. When I meet Jitendra on Saturday, I will tell him about this person who has come back in my life after a good 10 long years. And I am not sure what to do with him and should I talk to him, meet him and sort things out or just ignore and let him be? One voice was saying that I should at least meet him once and sort things out and another voice was saying that if all these years, he never bothered to get in touch, why has he come now? What does he want now? Let the past be past and let's move on with whatever we have now. No, I couldn't even talk this with Akash as he has a totally different view on all these emotional and sentimental things. He would not be able to sense the pain and hurt which I sensed when that person deserted me for no fault of mine. He would not be able to understand that I kept asking the question to myself all these years, what had I done that such a treatment was meted out to me? And now when I have forgotten all that had happened, it has popped up again in my life.
************************************************************
I was my usual chirpy self on a January morning in 2007 and was looking forward to talking to my maternal brother, who is in Pune to ask him what he wants as his birthday gift. I dialed the landline number and my Mami (my mom's brother's wife) received the call and she sounded very cold and withdrawn, unlike on other days. When I asked her what gift I should give Tanmay on his birthday, which is on 16th January, she said that I should talk to my mama (maternal uncle) and she is not the right person to ask and she cut the call. I couldn't understand why she behaved the way she did that day but then dismissed the thought thinking she might not be well or maybe she had some tension of Tanmay's studies. Immediately my uncle called from the other side and told me to send a gift voucher as Tanmay's birthday gift and when I asked him what was wrong with Mami, he told me the same reason that she was busy with Tanmay's studies and that is the reason she cut the call short. I took that for a reason, valid enough, and forgot about it the next moment. I went to the superstores and got the gift voucher and also sent him a hand-made greeting card along with the gift voucher. Tanmay could buy anything he wanted from this coupon and as he loved eating and had an interest in apparel, this would help him chose whatever is trendy and fashionable. So, he would be able to choose from a wide range of clothes and also check out some eateries.
I have seen Tanmay from the day he was born. My Aaji (grandmother) stayed in Pune with my mama, Sudhakar, and his wife Manjusha. They both loved me like their own kids. Especially Sudhakar uncle was attached more to me as I was the only daughter of his only sister and he doted on me like crazy. As a child, he used to take me to parks, gardens would give me sweets and toys and he never could see me cry. He pampered me a lot and I also liked him a lot. As I grew up, I shared with him my school studies and tensions, then college worries and everything about my world. He was someone who listened to me patiently, gave me comfort in stressful situations, made me laugh when I was down and would cheer me up when I needed some push. After Tanmay was born, his affection towards me didn't become any less and he treated me like his own daughter. Tanmay was also very sweet and innocent as a child and he always played with me calling me by different names, sometimes, tai, Munni, munnu tai. My name was Mrignaini, which he could never pronounce and I also didn't bother to get my name right from his mouth as whatever he called me was sweeter than anything else.
Whenever I visited my Aaji in Pune, we all used to talk about various things, would go out to parks and temples. We used to dine out together, at least once when I was there as it was the only time when Sudhakar mama and Tanmay got to eat non-vegetarian food with me. I used to eat only butter chicken then and used to have it only with them, once in 6 months or so. We watched a lot of movies and plays together. We used to play cards, housie, scrabble together and use to laugh our lives out while playing. Tanmay and I fought a lot, though there was an age gap of 16 yrs between us, that was also a lot of fun. We used to fight just for the heck of it. The next moment we used to be friends. All my summer holidays were always spent with them and I was always happy with them and they were happy to have me.
*************************************************************
My mom called me after I sent the gift voucher to Tanmay. She sounded very serious and wanted to talk something urgent. I asked her what's the matter and she told me it is about Sudhakar mama. I was afraid for a second and thought that he might have met with an accident or something, but that was not the case.
Mom: Please do not call Sudhakar mama or Manjusha Mami henceforth.
I: What are you saying? Are they shifting or something? Do you have a new number?
Mom: Listen to me carefully Mrignaini; let it sink properly whatever I am going to tell you now. Please think about it carefully and then decide what you want to do.
I: Oh mom, please do not create suspense out of this, tell me please, what is the matter?
Mom: Neither Sudhakar nor Manjusha like you calling them now and then.
I: Oh, what happened? Do I trouble them or something?
Mom: The day before you called Manjusha to ask about the gift, there was a huge fight between Sudhakar and Aaji.
I: A fight, why?
Mom: In that argument, Manjusha aunty accused me of stealing her jewelry during the time of your wedding.
I: What are you saying mom, what is this about?
Mom: From the past few days, uncle and aunty are not talking to your Aaji properly and when she confronted them, they said that it is about me and you and that we have made their lives miserable. Manjusha added that she saw me giving the same box to Akash's mom during your wedding, which she was not able to see in her jewelry box for a few days now. Your Aaji asked her then why didn't she tell her about the same then and there and that Aaji would have confronted me on the same. I have everything in written which I bought for your wedding and Aaji knows that very well. But then they didn't have anything substantial to back it up and just said that we both are a nuisance in their lives. So, I am telling you not to call them or talk to them further as they do not want to keep any contacts with us henceforth.
(I was numb, only words were hitting my ears, the meaning was far fetched)
I: ok, fine. I will take care in the future and see to it that I do not trouble them.
Mom: I know beta, you would be very sad to know all this, but then I couldn't let you get insulted by my brother or his wife. You are my pride and I will not tolerate anything said against you.
Instead of me consoling my mother, she was doing it. She has always been a strong woman and I wish I could get at least 10 % of what her conviction is!
I: I am sorry mom; they said things to you like this. But will you not clarify with them face to face and finish it off?
Mom: I tried no use, beta. They do not want to see me or meet me. I am not welcome @ their new house also. I will meet Aaji @ the old house, whenever I want to meet her.
I: Oh, does Tanmay know all this?
Mom: Yes, it happened in front of him. So, do not expect any call for confirming the receipt of your birthday gift.
I: Ok mom. Don't worry, everything will be fine.
Mom: I don't think so. Bless you, beta, bye.
I didn't know what to do. Should I call mama and ask him what is the matter and that it is just a misunderstanding or should I wait for a few days for it to settle? It might be just a temporary storm which has caused such a great stir in our lives and it will soon wade off.
I was wrong.
*************************************************************
I waited for the acknowledgment of the receipt of the voucher from Tanmay and was also excited to know what all stuff he got and how much fun he had shopping. But then the month of January passed and in April, mama, and Mami celebrate their wedding anniversary. I thought it would be a good occasion to send flowers and the misunderstanding would have vanished and forgotten by now. I sent some beautiful flowers addressing them to Manjusha Mami and wished her and mama a very happy wedding anniversary. I was expecting a call from Mami thanking me and telling me to forget whatever happened in January, but then I kept on waiting till June when uncle called me one fine day to tell that they got the gift voucher and the bouquet of flowers. Call cut! That day was my wedding anniversary when he called and he didn't even wish me? Did he remember the day when I got married? He cried like a baby when he brought me to the pedestal where I was supposed to garland Akash. I comforted him and tried to console him and he forgot my anniversary? Is he doing this purposely or does Manjusha Mami not want that he keeps any contact with me or my mom?
How could the threads of love and affection built with so much care and confidence break off with one gush of wind of some fanciful thinking? Was the bond created with my mama so weak that it stopped to function one fine day just because he was in a fit of anger and spoke something like we are causing him a nuisance? How could he ever think and speak like the way he did that day with Aaji? Did he not think of calling me once and clarifying things with me? If he had something to say to my mom, she was his own sister, he could have easily taken her into confidence and confided into her if he had some personal problems. Accusing his own sister of stealing something was taken so easily by him; he didn't even say firmly to Manjusha Mami that she was wrong and that my mom could never do such a thing. But people, rather our own people prove us so wrong. They do not even think of all the good times spent together and just erase everything of the past and keep only the momentary misunderstanding and anger in mind.
I slowly accepted the fact that now they are not going to be a part of my happiness or grief. I have to leave them where they chose to go their separate ways and I have to close the chapter of my mama, mami, and Tanmay whom I considered as my own family.
*************************************************************
Manas and Asawari: Aai (it's the mom in Marathi!) we are home and hungry like pigs, can you make us a salad please or Poha would be really great!
My kids were like me, enthusiastic about eating, but they were one step ahead. They have tried everything possible on earth with their Dadda, a very cute way of addressing Akash. Akash eats everything except human being, cows, and cream on milk. He has encouraged them to eat everything that comes in front of them so that they never go hungry if they lose their way in jungles of Arizona or the Thar Desert. I have no idea when my kids are going to venture like Bear Gayles (Host of the show "Into the wild ") on the Discovery channel into the most difficult parts and landscapes of the world and then give survival tips to the people. Akash and my kids watch the show regularly though Bear Gayles is now into his 70's and is mostly indoors nowadays. That program is very old, but they still watch it like it is happening in front of them right now. I am very amused to see them sit together on the porch and watch Bear with all concentration, keeping the eyes glued to the television set. But, I am happy that they are eating food without much fuss and I am not encouraging them to eat junk food or chocolates all the time. Once a while, when they get good grades or do well in some sports or other activities, I do take them out.
I prepared their favorite dish of Poha (beaten rice, a famous dish in Maharashtra and called Avalakki bath in Karnataka) and we ate to our heart's content. They both went to their rooms to watch their favorite Popeye show and after warning them not to fight over it; I sat to read a new book, which I got delivered from Librarywala, the famous online library today.
The phone rang again:
Thinking it to be Akash's, I ran towards it enthusiastically, he usually calls to talk to the kids before going to bed and then the whole day is revised again to dadda and only then my kids go to sleep peacefully. I like the way they bond with Akash at least now. I am not sure of the future as children have different worlds of their own once they grow up and then only husband and wife remain for each other, to be with each other.
I: Hello, Mrignaini Phadke here.
From the other side: Hello Munnu, Sudhakar mama here.
It didn't register in my head for 2 seconds. The name sounded familiar, but it could not evoke any recent image in the head and I was searching for the face of this name and suddenly "Eureka" happened. This was my mama. How on earth did he get my landline number and how could he call me after a sudden disappearance from my life 10 years ago?
I: Hello mama, how are you?
(I was just asking without actually meaning it)
Mama: I am very well, thank you. Congratulations on the award. You have made me proud, I always knew that you would make it big and would set an example to all other people. You are the best daughter one could ever have.
(He was not stopping for a moment and I felt as though he wanted to speak everything that he wanted to tell me from the past 10 years. I was at the receiving end and was hearing showers of praises heaped on me. I was neither elated nor happy to listen to his words. I was just hearing some clutter, I thought, which has lost its meaning in some misunderstanding created by some person.)
Mama: I want to meet you beta, I hope you are still in Bangalore? I am here for a field visit and will go back on Sunday evening.
I didn't know whether to say yes to meet him or politely refuse him. I hesitantly took down his contact number and the hotel address where he was staying and told him that I will get in touch with him if I happen to decide to meet him. He just said one thing before cutting the call.
Mama: Beta, there are some things which you might need answers to. I have being carrying this burden for so many years and now before the final call comes; I want to settle all the accounts.
I wanted to shout, is it that easy that you want to settle the accounts like erasing some numbers here and adding a few there? What does he want to tell now? Did he ever remember me all these years? Did my thought even cross his mind all these years? Did he ever inquire about my whereabouts after we ceased to be in touch? All these thoughts were making me crazy and I decided to talk about this to Jitendra over Saturday brunch.
*************************************************************
We met up at Sapna's Bookhouse after I dropped the kids to the half-day workshop. I am happy to keep them engaged somehow rather than wasting their time watching television or playing computer games. In my summer holidays, I always went to my aaji's place in Pune and had fun which was so very missing in my kid's lives and in fact all the kids of their generation. I used to play so many outdoor games with friends in my aaji's chawl. We never thought of the scorching heat that time and all we knew was to just make the best of summer holidays as if they were not going to come again. We also had the best of snacks at that time. We homemade aam panha and barf golas, mango shakes, and whatnot. Oh, even thinking about that makes my mouth water. I must take my kids once to Pune to savor all this stuff, which they have never tasted.
Jitendra: You look worried, what is the matter? Anything troubling you? You said that you want to talk to me on some urgent matter which has come up from nowhere?
I: Yes. Jitendra, remember my mama about whom I had told you during our initial days in ABC Company?
Jitendra: Oh yes, I do. You were very attached to him and his wife and kid and then suddenly some misunderstanding happened and they cut all their contacts with you and your mom?
I: Yes, correct. I got a call from him after your call that day and I was taken aback when he said he wants to meet me.
Jitendra: Did he really say that? Is he in Bangalore? How has he remembered you after so many years? What does he want now?
I: I am trying to find answers to all these questions you just asked from the time I spoke to him. But I also know that I will not get any answers until I meet him and ask him.
Jitendra: Yes, you are right. I think you should take this chance of clearing all the mess which has happened at that time. Maybe now that you have grown up and have seen the world and have a better insight into people and matters, your hurt and anger may subside with whatever he wants to tell you. Maybe you would be able to forgive him and his family for whatever they did to you and mom and in turn, you would forgive yourself also for keeping that hurt and anger in your mind unnecessarily in your heart for so long.
I: Is it unnecessary to keep the matters so close to heart buried like this for so long Jitendra?
Jitendra: Yes, my dear. It is. You are in the best phase of your life, but somewhere in some corner of your heart, you might be still hoping or wishing to talk to them and tell them how successful and happy you have become. You can show them all your possessions and awards and your 2 lovely kids and make them feel proud, isn't it?
I: Jitendra, all this is too far fetched. I just hope that I am able to face mama and not cry before him. I want to show him that I am strong and am not going to show any signs of have missed them all these years.
Jitendra: It is but very natural to get emotional and choked after seeing your loved one after so many years when he has come with some explanation of whatever happened in the past. I think you should be your normal self and then decide what exactly you want to do for him.
I: So, you also think that I should go ahead and listen to whatever he wants to tell me, right?
Jitendra: Yes, very much. You should give yourself and your mamaji another chance to clarify things and make the present and future much more desirable.
I: Ok Jitendra. Thanks for instilling the confidence in me and encouraging me to meet him. I will let you know what happened. I hope something good turns out of our meeting.
Jitendra: Yes, dear. Definitely something good is on its way as it is said life is a box of chocolates and you never know what life is offering you, but you should always treat it as your best and last chocolate.
I: thanks Jitendra, talk to you soon.
I left Dominos on a positive note and was anxious the whole day. The day was just not ticking and Sunday seemed so far. I called mama where he was put him and told him that I would be coming to see him at 11 am tomorrow. I would leave the kids with Pranjali and they would have their brunch with her son, Ninad, who is not only their big bro but also their punch bag and uncle Sam. Pranjali and Avdhut are our family friends and we stay close to each other. Avdhut and Akash have played as kids and his and Akash's moms are like sisters. So now that love and bonding is carried to the third generation and is passed on to Ninad and my 2 lovely kids. I would call her now itself and tell her about this sudden development. I am sure; she won't mind and would be more than happy to accommodate my adorable kids for brunch tomorrow.
*************************************************************
I left Asawari and Manas at Pranjali's place and headed straight to a florist. I bought a nice bouquet of flowers, packed some nice biscuits from the bakery and drove down to the hotel in my Polo. Being able to drive without any dependency on anyone feels so great. The world seems to be a much better place to venture out. I can do all my hobby classes such as dancing, candle making, teach German on a part-time basis and also take my kids out for different workshops and parks where they can explore new things. I also take them to meet their friends over birthday parties or to some restaurant like McDonalds where kids love to party.
I was driving mechanically, which was quite dangerous. All types of thoughts were flashing through my mind. I was trying to rehearse the opening lines of the conversation with my mama. How was it that I was struggling for words and sentences to talk to my very own mama? It might be due to the huge wall of silence between us all these years, I thought. Once the conversation starts flowing, it will be easier to ask about Mami, Tanmay. Tanmay would have grown tall now, must be doing a job now. Which line has he chosen now? How does he look now? Does anything from the past remind him of me? I wanted to ask all these questions to mama as soon as I will see him. I parked the car in the parking lot of the hotel and walked up to the 2nd floor and knocked on 201 at exactly the time, I had promised mama to be there.
Mama (from inside): Yes, come in.
I: Hello mama, Good Morning! How are you?
Mama: It's you Munnu! I am so glad you came, please come inside.
I looked at mama. He had grown so old, grey hair, he had big spectacles on. His shoulders were drooping, he looked so tired and had wrinkles on his face. He asked me to sit. I offered him fresh flowers and biscuits and he was very happy. I remembered how I used to go to Pune as a child in the summer holidays and he used to get me things while coming home from the office. He used to get me chocolate or bhel or vadapav or groundnuts. How time changes and we have swapped the roles now!
I: How have you been mama? How is your health? How come you have come to Bangalore? Have you changed your job or something?
I had so many questions to ask him at the same time, but then I thought he might get embarrassed and I stopped them by putting my thoughts to a halt!
Mama: Yes, I had come here for a field visit. I am into the Insurance domain now and had come here to inspect certain things regarding some cases. I took your number from an old e-mail of yours and tried that. Thankfully, you hadn't changed the number. So, I could get in touch with you and thought of meeting you in person after whatever happened at that time. We never saw each other or spoke to each other.
Mama had directly broached the topic now, without beating around the bush. At least, I do not have to play with words and can ask freely what I always wanted to ask.
I: Yes, didn't you feel once to clarify things with aai or me? I was big enough to understand what was happening. You assumed that aai stole mami's jewelry and you cut all the contacts with me and aai?
I had started blaming him for whatever happened at that time. Without giving him time to answer or defend, I was heaping all questions I had accumulated all these years in my head. Mama was very calm and composed and he didn't look perturbed at all.
Mama: I can understand all your anger and pain, Munnu! God alone knows how I have stayed all these years away from you and Sarita, your mom. I always knew that you both were innocent and Sarita would never do such a thing. But I also had no choice than to stay with your mami as you know my first marriage had failed and I didn't want even this mami to desert me. I know she is ignorant and foolish, but then she took care of me and my son, very well. She also looked well after your aaji till she was alive. I had nothing to complain about her. She didn't want me to keep any contacts with you and your mom, reasons, she never told me. I was also a coward and never asked her the reason for her strange behavior. I took everything in stride and accepted whatever she told me to do.
I started getting furious on knowing that mama was so helpless and a coward. He couldn't stand up for me and my mom, who existed in his life, even before this mami came. Just because he was afraid of her deserting him, he couldn't give her a sound explanation and tell her firmly that his sister and niece are innocent and they can never do such a thing. How could blood relations weaken in front of newly added relations?
Mama continued
Mama: I was taking everything that was thrown at me and then finally, I said enough is enough. I could not take it anymore. Tanmay was also studying in Aurangabad and we both couldn't carry on with each other's varied thinking styles?
I: What do you mean mama?
Mama: I do not stay with her under one roof now. I have given her enough of my life and savings and that will suffice her till she dies. Tanmay's education is also settled and hence I do not have any tension from that side. I have decided to spend my last years in penance for whatever I did to your mom, my mom and you. She wronged your mom in front of me and I couldn't even save you all from falling in her eyes. You all were so close to me and I lost you all just because of her. I will not be able to forgive myself for this and won't forgive her even.
I was dumbstruck. Just a while ago, I was cursing mama to be a coward and helpless. And he has taken such a big step to repent for whatever he did that time? He has confined himself to solitude and loneliness and in his days of retirement, he is doing a job which involves travel and there is no one to take care of him at home. He has to manage everything on his own. How did mami agree to stay separate from him when this is the time they need each other the most? This is too big a sacrifice for something which he did out of partial helplessness and partial ignorance. I suddenly felt so bad looking at him with this renewed vision that tears welled up in my eyes.
I: Mama, this is not the way to punish yourself mama. You could have mended it up with us and also explained mami about it. I am sure she would have understood.
Mama: Munnu, how I wish she could have! You, who were like our daughter, wouldn't have gone away from us like this. I wouldn't have missed all the important developments in your life. Your kids, your career as a free-lancer and an author, a German tutor, successful in almost everything you took up. (Mama knew everything what I was up to all these years.) Had your mami understood the value of people and bonds of love, she wouldn't be sitting alone in her house and you wouldn't be so away mentally from all of us. I just wanted to say sorry to you for all that happened because of me. I want to die in peace whenever my time comes.
I: Oh, don't say that mama. I have forgiven you already and in the process, I have forgiven myself of all the pain and anger, I harbored against you and Mami. I do not have anything against you and please do not feel bad about whatever happened. Just forget it and look to the future.
We both smiled at each other with tears in our eyes and we just sat there without speaking with each other for a while. It was time for me to leave now. We both knew that something broke which was beyond words and we both felt light and relieved. We both were choked and didn't know how to say goodbye. I didn't invite him over to meet the kids and Akash, and he also didn't ask about them at all. He had come here for a purpose which was to clear things with me and he did just that. Not beyond that. I wondered if the old mama whom I knew had died inside this physically present mama of mine. He had strangely become very detached from everything and he didn't show any signs of wanting to renew and meet up with old contacts which were cut deliberately.
He came to leave me at the door and after waving a goodbye; he shut the door with the same coldness with which he said he is staying alone now. I didn't want to break this aura of coldness and stillness which he had deliberately wrapped around himself. Maybe he was with himself in that way.
I went to the parking lot and took the car and had a look at the balcony of his room. He wasn't there in the balcony too. But I could see his sad and tearful eyes behind the curtains looking at me and hands as if they were blessing me.
I started driving and thought.
Some things just remain the way there are.
*************************************************************
Amongst the first calls to congratulate me was my old friend from the ACC Company, Jitendra, who was a great inspirer and who pulled me back to serious writing. I had written a few poems in college, and I loved writing essays and long descriptive answers in the exam. But I took too seriously penning down my thoughts about issues and people around me after Jitendra showed me his writings. He told me that I need to cultivate this habit, and he used to regularly ask me to write about things that bothered me, pained me, and made me happy. I started writing small essays on things that were near to my heart and slowly started venturing into short stories also. The first draft was always sent to Jitendra, who would review my style and punctuations and sentence structures etc. He also gave me tips to improve my vocabulary and choice of words and also commented on my progress on the same. So, he was more happy and excited when I had submitted my book to the jury of the award. And he was surer than I was that I will definitely win the prize this year. Finally, when the award was announced on Television, the phone rang, and I picked it up.
Jitendra: Hello, it's me!! See, I had told you that you are a sure winner this time. My words came true!
I: Yes, Jitendra, thanks to you. You were always the beacon in this phase of my life, and I can never thank you for your support and encouragement.
Jitendra: Of course, you can! You can treat me with Pizza @ Dominos, and then we make the usual trip to Sapna Bookhouse. You should give me the signed copy of your book with now the award-winning author tag!
I (laughing loudly): Oh Jitendra, you haven't changed a bit. You still remember the good old days we used to go for a Pizza party and our regular trips to Sapna book house. Yes, it has been a long time that we caught up with each other and discussed movies and books and music. When do you want to meet up?
Jitendra: On Saturday? Is it a good time for you? Hope Akash and your kids aren't upset that you are out on a Saturday morning.
I: Oh no, not at all. The kids have some workshop at school, so I will drop them to the venue and will meet you at 11 @ Sapna book house. We do the books browsing, book signing ceremony there, and push off to Dominos. Akash is out of the town, I must say out of the country. He will be only back by Sunday evening, and the kids will get free by 4 pm on Saturday. So, we will have a lot of time to talk, and yes, I also want to discuss a few things with you. I need your expert advice as always.
Jitendra (smiles): Anytime for you, dear, sure, not a problem, I will buzz you at about 10 on Saturday to confirm and shall meet you then. And yes, heartiest congratulations on winning this award. You deserved it.
I: Thank you very much for the kind words, Jitendra, see you on Saturday then.
Jitendra: Yes, definitely, take care, bye!
I: Bye!
********************************************************
I put the phone and smiled to myself. How some things never change with time, and they get better and better with time just like the grandma's pickles, which only tastes better and better with the passing days or like an old wine which tastes best after many years of processing. Some friends like Jitendra have helped me grow out of my shell and inhibitions, and how can I ever thank them for showing me the path to be happy and be myself? Sameer, Kshitij have always been my backbones in Bangalore and there is no time in the day when I can't call them for help or for just talking my heart out. Even during my initial struggle with bringing up twins, they both have helped me babysit one of the babies when no one was in town with me. Akash was always touring and his or my parents then stayed with me to take care of the babies. Sometimes, when they couldn't manage Sameer or his wife or Kshitij would come over after office and help me feed the babies and play with them. They all dot on Manas and Asawari so much that I feel we all are one big family living together happily.
Just like Sameer and Kshitij, Jitendra has also been there whenever I had to talk and sort out things with people, with whom I was working part-time or any small problem which would upset me. When I meet Jitendra on Saturday, I will tell him about this person who has come back in my life after a good 10 long years. And I am not sure what to do with him and should I talk to him, meet him and sort things out or just ignore and let him be? One voice was saying that I should at least meet him once and sort things out and another voice was saying that if all these years, he never bothered to get in touch, why has he come now? What does he want now? Let the past be past and let's move on with whatever we have now. No, I couldn't even talk this with Akash as he has a totally different view on all these emotional and sentimental things. He would not be able to sense the pain and hurt which I sensed when that person deserted me for no fault of mine. He would not be able to understand that I kept asking the question to myself all these years, what had I done that such a treatment was meted out to me? And now when I have forgotten all that had happened, it has popped up again in my life.
************************************************************
I was my usual chirpy self on a January morning in 2007 and was looking forward to talking to my maternal brother, who is in Pune to ask him what he wants as his birthday gift. I dialed the landline number and my Mami (my mom's brother's wife) received the call and she sounded very cold and withdrawn, unlike on other days. When I asked her what gift I should give Tanmay on his birthday, which is on 16th January, she said that I should talk to my mama (maternal uncle) and she is not the right person to ask and she cut the call. I couldn't understand why she behaved the way she did that day but then dismissed the thought thinking she might not be well or maybe she had some tension of Tanmay's studies. Immediately my uncle called from the other side and told me to send a gift voucher as Tanmay's birthday gift and when I asked him what was wrong with Mami, he told me the same reason that she was busy with Tanmay's studies and that is the reason she cut the call short. I took that for a reason, valid enough, and forgot about it the next moment. I went to the superstores and got the gift voucher and also sent him a hand-made greeting card along with the gift voucher. Tanmay could buy anything he wanted from this coupon and as he loved eating and had an interest in apparel, this would help him chose whatever is trendy and fashionable. So, he would be able to choose from a wide range of clothes and also check out some eateries.
I have seen Tanmay from the day he was born. My Aaji (grandmother) stayed in Pune with my mama, Sudhakar, and his wife Manjusha. They both loved me like their own kids. Especially Sudhakar uncle was attached more to me as I was the only daughter of his only sister and he doted on me like crazy. As a child, he used to take me to parks, gardens would give me sweets and toys and he never could see me cry. He pampered me a lot and I also liked him a lot. As I grew up, I shared with him my school studies and tensions, then college worries and everything about my world. He was someone who listened to me patiently, gave me comfort in stressful situations, made me laugh when I was down and would cheer me up when I needed some push. After Tanmay was born, his affection towards me didn't become any less and he treated me like his own daughter. Tanmay was also very sweet and innocent as a child and he always played with me calling me by different names, sometimes, tai, Munni, munnu tai. My name was Mrignaini, which he could never pronounce and I also didn't bother to get my name right from his mouth as whatever he called me was sweeter than anything else.
Whenever I visited my Aaji in Pune, we all used to talk about various things, would go out to parks and temples. We used to dine out together, at least once when I was there as it was the only time when Sudhakar mama and Tanmay got to eat non-vegetarian food with me. I used to eat only butter chicken then and used to have it only with them, once in 6 months or so. We watched a lot of movies and plays together. We used to play cards, housie, scrabble together and use to laugh our lives out while playing. Tanmay and I fought a lot, though there was an age gap of 16 yrs between us, that was also a lot of fun. We used to fight just for the heck of it. The next moment we used to be friends. All my summer holidays were always spent with them and I was always happy with them and they were happy to have me.
*************************************************************
My mom called me after I sent the gift voucher to Tanmay. She sounded very serious and wanted to talk something urgent. I asked her what's the matter and she told me it is about Sudhakar mama. I was afraid for a second and thought that he might have met with an accident or something, but that was not the case.
Mom: Please do not call Sudhakar mama or Manjusha Mami henceforth.
I: What are you saying? Are they shifting or something? Do you have a new number?
Mom: Listen to me carefully Mrignaini; let it sink properly whatever I am going to tell you now. Please think about it carefully and then decide what you want to do.
I: Oh mom, please do not create suspense out of this, tell me please, what is the matter?
Mom: Neither Sudhakar nor Manjusha like you calling them now and then.
I: Oh, what happened? Do I trouble them or something?
Mom: The day before you called Manjusha to ask about the gift, there was a huge fight between Sudhakar and Aaji.
I: A fight, why?
Mom: In that argument, Manjusha aunty accused me of stealing her jewelry during the time of your wedding.
I: What are you saying mom, what is this about?
Mom: From the past few days, uncle and aunty are not talking to your Aaji properly and when she confronted them, they said that it is about me and you and that we have made their lives miserable. Manjusha added that she saw me giving the same box to Akash's mom during your wedding, which she was not able to see in her jewelry box for a few days now. Your Aaji asked her then why didn't she tell her about the same then and there and that Aaji would have confronted me on the same. I have everything in written which I bought for your wedding and Aaji knows that very well. But then they didn't have anything substantial to back it up and just said that we both are a nuisance in their lives. So, I am telling you not to call them or talk to them further as they do not want to keep any contacts with us henceforth.
(I was numb, only words were hitting my ears, the meaning was far fetched)
I: ok, fine. I will take care in the future and see to it that I do not trouble them.
Mom: I know beta, you would be very sad to know all this, but then I couldn't let you get insulted by my brother or his wife. You are my pride and I will not tolerate anything said against you.
Instead of me consoling my mother, she was doing it. She has always been a strong woman and I wish I could get at least 10 % of what her conviction is!
I: I am sorry mom; they said things to you like this. But will you not clarify with them face to face and finish it off?
Mom: I tried no use, beta. They do not want to see me or meet me. I am not welcome @ their new house also. I will meet Aaji @ the old house, whenever I want to meet her.
I: Oh, does Tanmay know all this?
Mom: Yes, it happened in front of him. So, do not expect any call for confirming the receipt of your birthday gift.
I: Ok mom. Don't worry, everything will be fine.
Mom: I don't think so. Bless you, beta, bye.
I didn't know what to do. Should I call mama and ask him what is the matter and that it is just a misunderstanding or should I wait for a few days for it to settle? It might be just a temporary storm which has caused such a great stir in our lives and it will soon wade off.
I was wrong.
*************************************************************
I waited for the acknowledgment of the receipt of the voucher from Tanmay and was also excited to know what all stuff he got and how much fun he had shopping. But then the month of January passed and in April, mama, and Mami celebrate their wedding anniversary. I thought it would be a good occasion to send flowers and the misunderstanding would have vanished and forgotten by now. I sent some beautiful flowers addressing them to Manjusha Mami and wished her and mama a very happy wedding anniversary. I was expecting a call from Mami thanking me and telling me to forget whatever happened in January, but then I kept on waiting till June when uncle called me one fine day to tell that they got the gift voucher and the bouquet of flowers. Call cut! That day was my wedding anniversary when he called and he didn't even wish me? Did he remember the day when I got married? He cried like a baby when he brought me to the pedestal where I was supposed to garland Akash. I comforted him and tried to console him and he forgot my anniversary? Is he doing this purposely or does Manjusha Mami not want that he keeps any contact with me or my mom?
How could the threads of love and affection built with so much care and confidence break off with one gush of wind of some fanciful thinking? Was the bond created with my mama so weak that it stopped to function one fine day just because he was in a fit of anger and spoke something like we are causing him a nuisance? How could he ever think and speak like the way he did that day with Aaji? Did he not think of calling me once and clarifying things with me? If he had something to say to my mom, she was his own sister, he could have easily taken her into confidence and confided into her if he had some personal problems. Accusing his own sister of stealing something was taken so easily by him; he didn't even say firmly to Manjusha Mami that she was wrong and that my mom could never do such a thing. But people, rather our own people prove us so wrong. They do not even think of all the good times spent together and just erase everything of the past and keep only the momentary misunderstanding and anger in mind.
I slowly accepted the fact that now they are not going to be a part of my happiness or grief. I have to leave them where they chose to go their separate ways and I have to close the chapter of my mama, mami, and Tanmay whom I considered as my own family.
*************************************************************
Manas and Asawari: Aai (it's the mom in Marathi!) we are home and hungry like pigs, can you make us a salad please or Poha would be really great!
My kids were like me, enthusiastic about eating, but they were one step ahead. They have tried everything possible on earth with their Dadda, a very cute way of addressing Akash. Akash eats everything except human being, cows, and cream on milk. He has encouraged them to eat everything that comes in front of them so that they never go hungry if they lose their way in jungles of Arizona or the Thar Desert. I have no idea when my kids are going to venture like Bear Gayles (Host of the show "Into the wild ") on the Discovery channel into the most difficult parts and landscapes of the world and then give survival tips to the people. Akash and my kids watch the show regularly though Bear Gayles is now into his 70's and is mostly indoors nowadays. That program is very old, but they still watch it like it is happening in front of them right now. I am very amused to see them sit together on the porch and watch Bear with all concentration, keeping the eyes glued to the television set. But, I am happy that they are eating food without much fuss and I am not encouraging them to eat junk food or chocolates all the time. Once a while, when they get good grades or do well in some sports or other activities, I do take them out.
I prepared their favorite dish of Poha (beaten rice, a famous dish in Maharashtra and called Avalakki bath in Karnataka) and we ate to our heart's content. They both went to their rooms to watch their favorite Popeye show and after warning them not to fight over it; I sat to read a new book, which I got delivered from Librarywala, the famous online library today.
The phone rang again:
Thinking it to be Akash's, I ran towards it enthusiastically, he usually calls to talk to the kids before going to bed and then the whole day is revised again to dadda and only then my kids go to sleep peacefully. I like the way they bond with Akash at least now. I am not sure of the future as children have different worlds of their own once they grow up and then only husband and wife remain for each other, to be with each other.
I: Hello, Mrignaini Phadke here.
From the other side: Hello Munnu, Sudhakar mama here.
It didn't register in my head for 2 seconds. The name sounded familiar, but it could not evoke any recent image in the head and I was searching for the face of this name and suddenly "Eureka" happened. This was my mama. How on earth did he get my landline number and how could he call me after a sudden disappearance from my life 10 years ago?
I: Hello mama, how are you?
(I was just asking without actually meaning it)
Mama: I am very well, thank you. Congratulations on the award. You have made me proud, I always knew that you would make it big and would set an example to all other people. You are the best daughter one could ever have.
(He was not stopping for a moment and I felt as though he wanted to speak everything that he wanted to tell me from the past 10 years. I was at the receiving end and was hearing showers of praises heaped on me. I was neither elated nor happy to listen to his words. I was just hearing some clutter, I thought, which has lost its meaning in some misunderstanding created by some person.)
Mama: I want to meet you beta, I hope you are still in Bangalore? I am here for a field visit and will go back on Sunday evening.
I didn't know whether to say yes to meet him or politely refuse him. I hesitantly took down his contact number and the hotel address where he was staying and told him that I will get in touch with him if I happen to decide to meet him. He just said one thing before cutting the call.
Mama: Beta, there are some things which you might need answers to. I have being carrying this burden for so many years and now before the final call comes; I want to settle all the accounts.
I wanted to shout, is it that easy that you want to settle the accounts like erasing some numbers here and adding a few there? What does he want to tell now? Did he ever remember me all these years? Did my thought even cross his mind all these years? Did he ever inquire about my whereabouts after we ceased to be in touch? All these thoughts were making me crazy and I decided to talk about this to Jitendra over Saturday brunch.
*************************************************************
We met up at Sapna's Bookhouse after I dropped the kids to the half-day workshop. I am happy to keep them engaged somehow rather than wasting their time watching television or playing computer games. In my summer holidays, I always went to my aaji's place in Pune and had fun which was so very missing in my kid's lives and in fact all the kids of their generation. I used to play so many outdoor games with friends in my aaji's chawl. We never thought of the scorching heat that time and all we knew was to just make the best of summer holidays as if they were not going to come again. We also had the best of snacks at that time. We homemade aam panha and barf golas, mango shakes, and whatnot. Oh, even thinking about that makes my mouth water. I must take my kids once to Pune to savor all this stuff, which they have never tasted.
Jitendra: You look worried, what is the matter? Anything troubling you? You said that you want to talk to me on some urgent matter which has come up from nowhere?
I: Yes. Jitendra, remember my mama about whom I had told you during our initial days in ABC Company?
Jitendra: Oh yes, I do. You were very attached to him and his wife and kid and then suddenly some misunderstanding happened and they cut all their contacts with you and your mom?
I: Yes, correct. I got a call from him after your call that day and I was taken aback when he said he wants to meet me.
Jitendra: Did he really say that? Is he in Bangalore? How has he remembered you after so many years? What does he want now?
I: I am trying to find answers to all these questions you just asked from the time I spoke to him. But I also know that I will not get any answers until I meet him and ask him.
Jitendra: Yes, you are right. I think you should take this chance of clearing all the mess which has happened at that time. Maybe now that you have grown up and have seen the world and have a better insight into people and matters, your hurt and anger may subside with whatever he wants to tell you. Maybe you would be able to forgive him and his family for whatever they did to you and mom and in turn, you would forgive yourself also for keeping that hurt and anger in your mind unnecessarily in your heart for so long.
I: Is it unnecessary to keep the matters so close to heart buried like this for so long Jitendra?
Jitendra: Yes, my dear. It is. You are in the best phase of your life, but somewhere in some corner of your heart, you might be still hoping or wishing to talk to them and tell them how successful and happy you have become. You can show them all your possessions and awards and your 2 lovely kids and make them feel proud, isn't it?
I: Jitendra, all this is too far fetched. I just hope that I am able to face mama and not cry before him. I want to show him that I am strong and am not going to show any signs of have missed them all these years.
Jitendra: It is but very natural to get emotional and choked after seeing your loved one after so many years when he has come with some explanation of whatever happened in the past. I think you should be your normal self and then decide what exactly you want to do for him.
I: So, you also think that I should go ahead and listen to whatever he wants to tell me, right?
Jitendra: Yes, very much. You should give yourself and your mamaji another chance to clarify things and make the present and future much more desirable.
I: Ok Jitendra. Thanks for instilling the confidence in me and encouraging me to meet him. I will let you know what happened. I hope something good turns out of our meeting.
Jitendra: Yes, dear. Definitely something good is on its way as it is said life is a box of chocolates and you never know what life is offering you, but you should always treat it as your best and last chocolate.
I: thanks Jitendra, talk to you soon.
I left Dominos on a positive note and was anxious the whole day. The day was just not ticking and Sunday seemed so far. I called mama where he was put him and told him that I would be coming to see him at 11 am tomorrow. I would leave the kids with Pranjali and they would have their brunch with her son, Ninad, who is not only their big bro but also their punch bag and uncle Sam. Pranjali and Avdhut are our family friends and we stay close to each other. Avdhut and Akash have played as kids and his and Akash's moms are like sisters. So now that love and bonding is carried to the third generation and is passed on to Ninad and my 2 lovely kids. I would call her now itself and tell her about this sudden development. I am sure; she won't mind and would be more than happy to accommodate my adorable kids for brunch tomorrow.
*************************************************************
I left Asawari and Manas at Pranjali's place and headed straight to a florist. I bought a nice bouquet of flowers, packed some nice biscuits from the bakery and drove down to the hotel in my Polo. Being able to drive without any dependency on anyone feels so great. The world seems to be a much better place to venture out. I can do all my hobby classes such as dancing, candle making, teach German on a part-time basis and also take my kids out for different workshops and parks where they can explore new things. I also take them to meet their friends over birthday parties or to some restaurant like McDonalds where kids love to party.
I was driving mechanically, which was quite dangerous. All types of thoughts were flashing through my mind. I was trying to rehearse the opening lines of the conversation with my mama. How was it that I was struggling for words and sentences to talk to my very own mama? It might be due to the huge wall of silence between us all these years, I thought. Once the conversation starts flowing, it will be easier to ask about Mami, Tanmay. Tanmay would have grown tall now, must be doing a job now. Which line has he chosen now? How does he look now? Does anything from the past remind him of me? I wanted to ask all these questions to mama as soon as I will see him. I parked the car in the parking lot of the hotel and walked up to the 2nd floor and knocked on 201 at exactly the time, I had promised mama to be there.
Mama (from inside): Yes, come in.
I: Hello mama, Good Morning! How are you?
Mama: It's you Munnu! I am so glad you came, please come inside.
I looked at mama. He had grown so old, grey hair, he had big spectacles on. His shoulders were drooping, he looked so tired and had wrinkles on his face. He asked me to sit. I offered him fresh flowers and biscuits and he was very happy. I remembered how I used to go to Pune as a child in the summer holidays and he used to get me things while coming home from the office. He used to get me chocolate or bhel or vadapav or groundnuts. How time changes and we have swapped the roles now!
I: How have you been mama? How is your health? How come you have come to Bangalore? Have you changed your job or something?
I had so many questions to ask him at the same time, but then I thought he might get embarrassed and I stopped them by putting my thoughts to a halt!
Mama: Yes, I had come here for a field visit. I am into the Insurance domain now and had come here to inspect certain things regarding some cases. I took your number from an old e-mail of yours and tried that. Thankfully, you hadn't changed the number. So, I could get in touch with you and thought of meeting you in person after whatever happened at that time. We never saw each other or spoke to each other.
Mama had directly broached the topic now, without beating around the bush. At least, I do not have to play with words and can ask freely what I always wanted to ask.
I: Yes, didn't you feel once to clarify things with aai or me? I was big enough to understand what was happening. You assumed that aai stole mami's jewelry and you cut all the contacts with me and aai?
I had started blaming him for whatever happened at that time. Without giving him time to answer or defend, I was heaping all questions I had accumulated all these years in my head. Mama was very calm and composed and he didn't look perturbed at all.
Mama: I can understand all your anger and pain, Munnu! God alone knows how I have stayed all these years away from you and Sarita, your mom. I always knew that you both were innocent and Sarita would never do such a thing. But I also had no choice than to stay with your mami as you know my first marriage had failed and I didn't want even this mami to desert me. I know she is ignorant and foolish, but then she took care of me and my son, very well. She also looked well after your aaji till she was alive. I had nothing to complain about her. She didn't want me to keep any contacts with you and your mom, reasons, she never told me. I was also a coward and never asked her the reason for her strange behavior. I took everything in stride and accepted whatever she told me to do.
I started getting furious on knowing that mama was so helpless and a coward. He couldn't stand up for me and my mom, who existed in his life, even before this mami came. Just because he was afraid of her deserting him, he couldn't give her a sound explanation and tell her firmly that his sister and niece are innocent and they can never do such a thing. How could blood relations weaken in front of newly added relations?
Mama continued
Mama: I was taking everything that was thrown at me and then finally, I said enough is enough. I could not take it anymore. Tanmay was also studying in Aurangabad and we both couldn't carry on with each other's varied thinking styles?
I: What do you mean mama?
Mama: I do not stay with her under one roof now. I have given her enough of my life and savings and that will suffice her till she dies. Tanmay's education is also settled and hence I do not have any tension from that side. I have decided to spend my last years in penance for whatever I did to your mom, my mom and you. She wronged your mom in front of me and I couldn't even save you all from falling in her eyes. You all were so close to me and I lost you all just because of her. I will not be able to forgive myself for this and won't forgive her even.
I was dumbstruck. Just a while ago, I was cursing mama to be a coward and helpless. And he has taken such a big step to repent for whatever he did that time? He has confined himself to solitude and loneliness and in his days of retirement, he is doing a job which involves travel and there is no one to take care of him at home. He has to manage everything on his own. How did mami agree to stay separate from him when this is the time they need each other the most? This is too big a sacrifice for something which he did out of partial helplessness and partial ignorance. I suddenly felt so bad looking at him with this renewed vision that tears welled up in my eyes.
I: Mama, this is not the way to punish yourself mama. You could have mended it up with us and also explained mami about it. I am sure she would have understood.
Mama: Munnu, how I wish she could have! You, who were like our daughter, wouldn't have gone away from us like this. I wouldn't have missed all the important developments in your life. Your kids, your career as a free-lancer and an author, a German tutor, successful in almost everything you took up. (Mama knew everything what I was up to all these years.) Had your mami understood the value of people and bonds of love, she wouldn't be sitting alone in her house and you wouldn't be so away mentally from all of us. I just wanted to say sorry to you for all that happened because of me. I want to die in peace whenever my time comes.
I: Oh, don't say that mama. I have forgiven you already and in the process, I have forgiven myself of all the pain and anger, I harbored against you and Mami. I do not have anything against you and please do not feel bad about whatever happened. Just forget it and look to the future.
We both smiled at each other with tears in our eyes and we just sat there without speaking with each other for a while. It was time for me to leave now. We both knew that something broke which was beyond words and we both felt light and relieved. We both were choked and didn't know how to say goodbye. I didn't invite him over to meet the kids and Akash, and he also didn't ask about them at all. He had come here for a purpose which was to clear things with me and he did just that. Not beyond that. I wondered if the old mama whom I knew had died inside this physically present mama of mine. He had strangely become very detached from everything and he didn't show any signs of wanting to renew and meet up with old contacts which were cut deliberately.
He came to leave me at the door and after waving a goodbye; he shut the door with the same coldness with which he said he is staying alone now. I didn't want to break this aura of coldness and stillness which he had deliberately wrapped around himself. Maybe he was with himself in that way.
I went to the parking lot and took the car and had a look at the balcony of his room. He wasn't there in the balcony too. But I could see his sad and tearful eyes behind the curtains looking at me and hands as if they were blessing me.
I started driving and thought.
Some things just remain the way there are.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
A letter to Ms. S
I work in a MNC and being a language specialist, I always get assigned to different projects which need our translation services. Earlier, I had worked for a project, which was operating from Hyderabad, but then as they needed translators and I couldn’t relocate to Hyderabad, I could support from Bangalore itself. They call it remote support. After a stint of 6 months in Hyderabad- based project, I moved to another project and client, which was also German. This time, the project was based in Pune and yet again we were asked to support remotely. All the German translators in Bangalore came under one roof for this project and that was the fateful day when I met this lady, who I would be referring Ms. Suzi henceforth. I have never seen such a specimen in my life and true to what the people had to say about her, she made all other’s lives miserable and boring..
Here is an account of how I vent out all my frustration and anger and helplessness in a letter to her, which I never sent her, but after writing it down, I felt much better and things became much more bearable!
It goes:
Dear (Should I really address you as dear?? I do not want to, but then I have to follow certain etiquettes, isn’t it?) Suzi,
It is almost 1 year that I am blessed to be associated with you on a day to day basis.
I really wonder why God did this to me when he brought you and me together in one team. I had always heard about you and I must confess, it was not that encouraging and so I was always happy to have been working away from you all this time. But then as it is said, happiness doesn’t last forever and God made me sit with you for earning my bread and butter for the current project. I will definitely question him for doing this to me, he could have done anything else but meeting up with you.
Noooooooooooooooo
Where should I begin to narrate your greatness to this world?
Oh, I am short of words and phrases and idioms and in fact being silent would be the best option to describe you. But, then all people can’t read silences, can they?
So, here I go to show this world what they were missing (rather not missing) all this while!
Your confidence (or rather over-confidence) is just out of this world. The way you prove to the person standing opposite to you that he/she is here by mistake and that he/she is not even worthy enough to talk to you leaves me awestruck. You spare no chance in telling the outside world (who is never actually interested to even notice you) that this world, this country, this state, this city, this company and this organization is functioning just because of you. Had you been not there to take care of the daily matters in the team, the team and the project would have famished and would have gone to the dogs. How can the managers and the senior managers and the offshore guys ever thank you for what you have done for them and the project.
I am also short of words when it comes to talking to you. Why? Because you never let me talk. And it is more often you asking questions and you only answering them. It has to be always you who goes on and on about your driver and your spacious house and your education and what not. Do you ever accept that there are other people who can be as good and intelligent as you or rather far better than you? No, you never accept anyone above you and you are of the opinion that you are the only person who is well read, intelligent, compassionate, caring, organized, meticulous… and the list goes on. See, I am again short of words!!!
I sometimes wonder if you ever know the meaning of being meticulous and organized in work. At least your working style never reflects that. You are the most confused person I have ever met in my life and to explain simple things to you leaves me almost dead. I am left with no energy or enthusiasm to even laugh at your clumsiness and silly jokes of self-obsessive nature. I have to thank God for giving me a lot of patience when it comes to you, but I would like to let him and you know that I am slowly and steadily running out of it too!!!
You had Ms. Rosy to do every little thing for you at office. You enjoyed being there just for the name of it and I always thought that you both took each other as boss and secretary. You always assigned her ppts, excels, presentations, which she had no choice, but to execute them. She also had her own work which was assigned to her from her so-called project manager, but then how could she not help you out when you needed her. She was literally living in your shadow and I can imagine why and how she got promoted in a short time inspite of having a less experience in this field. She never said No to you and you also never took a No very sportingly. She was damn afraid of you I suppose and dreaded the fact that if she ever got cross with you, her career would be ruined! And I can imagine her happiness when she finally freed herself from your clutches and heaped a sigh of relief. She left the organization for some different reason which she officially communicated to everyone, but then I think you were also one of the reasons for her resignation. I really envy her and I also have suicidal attempts of letting this job go just because of you!!
You lost a secretary in her and yes also an admirer. She admired you (for whatever reasons!!!) and always appeared so “close” and good to you on face. She was also well aware that you like people who butter you and say good things about you and you also do the same to all important people in the hierarchy, whom you think can be of some help to you. You are very good at creating good impressions prima-facie, but then all people are not fortunate enough to change their impression about you later. They maintain the same good impression as they had in their first meeting with you. They all should come and work with you and get to know you better (for worse, I am sure!!) and then decide if they still are impressed with you and your personality.
It is often evident from your talks that your family doesn’t pay much attention to what your say at home and you hardly matter to them. Have you ever thought why people avoid you even at home? Your attitude towards life, people is a distraught one. I have no clue in which world do you live and what has gone to your head so much that you have become so self-obsessive? You do not realize how much you hurt the team and other people with your prejudiced thinking and negative commenting. You are so good on their face that when I listen to u and them talking, I think I will get diabetes. You portray yourself to be very perfect, but then I think you have blinded yourself to your short-comings and I am sorry to say, that you are not perfect. No one is. Even if you admit sometimes that you are not perfect and tend to make mistakes, you never act like it or believe in it. You think you are above all and whatever you say and do is always correct and that other people also should appreciate you in the same way even if they do not believe in it. I sometimes feel that you should seriously take help of some psychiatrist or medical counselor. There might be some chemical imbalance in there and that might be encouraging you to behave like this, without you being really conscious with you. But no, I do not want to empathize with you and get emotional as I have had enough from you by now.
I can go on and on, but I am really sick and tired and bored of you and your idiosyncrasies now. If you might have noticed me lately, I hardly give you any eye contact and show the least interest when you are boasting about yourself. I have really no inclination or interest to engage myself in knowing how you cook rice in the microwave daily and how your husband and son do not eat food till you cook rice or how you help your maid in helping her daughters to study. Everybody should do their own bit for self-development and other people’s development. But then you have marred self-development and hampered other’s development as well. No one, who knows you closely, can even speak a few positive words about you.
I really pity your ignorance sometimes and wish God gives you some sound lessons and opens your eyes some or the other time. There has to be someone who would challenge you and put an end to your boastful bouts of self-praise and tell you boss, enough is enough, and I cannot bear you any longer.
Please introspect sometimes and give a thought, why I wrote this letter to you and what is that you really need to work on. Clear off your head which has stupid ideas about your self. Being confident is good, but being proud and haughty leaves you with nothing.
I am eagerly waiting for that time when even I can be happy like Ms. Rosy and move away from you forever. I would not like to meet you again in my life and I wish you lots of luck and wishes in your future endeavors of charming people and creating “good” impressions on them.
God spare me please!!!!!!!!
Here is an account of how I vent out all my frustration and anger and helplessness in a letter to her, which I never sent her, but after writing it down, I felt much better and things became much more bearable!
It goes:
Dear (Should I really address you as dear?? I do not want to, but then I have to follow certain etiquettes, isn’t it?) Suzi,
It is almost 1 year that I am blessed to be associated with you on a day to day basis.
I really wonder why God did this to me when he brought you and me together in one team. I had always heard about you and I must confess, it was not that encouraging and so I was always happy to have been working away from you all this time. But then as it is said, happiness doesn’t last forever and God made me sit with you for earning my bread and butter for the current project. I will definitely question him for doing this to me, he could have done anything else but meeting up with you.
Noooooooooooooooo
Where should I begin to narrate your greatness to this world?
Oh, I am short of words and phrases and idioms and in fact being silent would be the best option to describe you. But, then all people can’t read silences, can they?
So, here I go to show this world what they were missing (rather not missing) all this while!
Your confidence (or rather over-confidence) is just out of this world. The way you prove to the person standing opposite to you that he/she is here by mistake and that he/she is not even worthy enough to talk to you leaves me awestruck. You spare no chance in telling the outside world (who is never actually interested to even notice you) that this world, this country, this state, this city, this company and this organization is functioning just because of you. Had you been not there to take care of the daily matters in the team, the team and the project would have famished and would have gone to the dogs. How can the managers and the senior managers and the offshore guys ever thank you for what you have done for them and the project.
I am also short of words when it comes to talking to you. Why? Because you never let me talk. And it is more often you asking questions and you only answering them. It has to be always you who goes on and on about your driver and your spacious house and your education and what not. Do you ever accept that there are other people who can be as good and intelligent as you or rather far better than you? No, you never accept anyone above you and you are of the opinion that you are the only person who is well read, intelligent, compassionate, caring, organized, meticulous… and the list goes on. See, I am again short of words!!!
I sometimes wonder if you ever know the meaning of being meticulous and organized in work. At least your working style never reflects that. You are the most confused person I have ever met in my life and to explain simple things to you leaves me almost dead. I am left with no energy or enthusiasm to even laugh at your clumsiness and silly jokes of self-obsessive nature. I have to thank God for giving me a lot of patience when it comes to you, but I would like to let him and you know that I am slowly and steadily running out of it too!!!
You had Ms. Rosy to do every little thing for you at office. You enjoyed being there just for the name of it and I always thought that you both took each other as boss and secretary. You always assigned her ppts, excels, presentations, which she had no choice, but to execute them. She also had her own work which was assigned to her from her so-called project manager, but then how could she not help you out when you needed her. She was literally living in your shadow and I can imagine why and how she got promoted in a short time inspite of having a less experience in this field. She never said No to you and you also never took a No very sportingly. She was damn afraid of you I suppose and dreaded the fact that if she ever got cross with you, her career would be ruined! And I can imagine her happiness when she finally freed herself from your clutches and heaped a sigh of relief. She left the organization for some different reason which she officially communicated to everyone, but then I think you were also one of the reasons for her resignation. I really envy her and I also have suicidal attempts of letting this job go just because of you!!
You lost a secretary in her and yes also an admirer. She admired you (for whatever reasons!!!) and always appeared so “close” and good to you on face. She was also well aware that you like people who butter you and say good things about you and you also do the same to all important people in the hierarchy, whom you think can be of some help to you. You are very good at creating good impressions prima-facie, but then all people are not fortunate enough to change their impression about you later. They maintain the same good impression as they had in their first meeting with you. They all should come and work with you and get to know you better (for worse, I am sure!!) and then decide if they still are impressed with you and your personality.
It is often evident from your talks that your family doesn’t pay much attention to what your say at home and you hardly matter to them. Have you ever thought why people avoid you even at home? Your attitude towards life, people is a distraught one. I have no clue in which world do you live and what has gone to your head so much that you have become so self-obsessive? You do not realize how much you hurt the team and other people with your prejudiced thinking and negative commenting. You are so good on their face that when I listen to u and them talking, I think I will get diabetes. You portray yourself to be very perfect, but then I think you have blinded yourself to your short-comings and I am sorry to say, that you are not perfect. No one is. Even if you admit sometimes that you are not perfect and tend to make mistakes, you never act like it or believe in it. You think you are above all and whatever you say and do is always correct and that other people also should appreciate you in the same way even if they do not believe in it. I sometimes feel that you should seriously take help of some psychiatrist or medical counselor. There might be some chemical imbalance in there and that might be encouraging you to behave like this, without you being really conscious with you. But no, I do not want to empathize with you and get emotional as I have had enough from you by now.
I can go on and on, but I am really sick and tired and bored of you and your idiosyncrasies now. If you might have noticed me lately, I hardly give you any eye contact and show the least interest when you are boasting about yourself. I have really no inclination or interest to engage myself in knowing how you cook rice in the microwave daily and how your husband and son do not eat food till you cook rice or how you help your maid in helping her daughters to study. Everybody should do their own bit for self-development and other people’s development. But then you have marred self-development and hampered other’s development as well. No one, who knows you closely, can even speak a few positive words about you.
I really pity your ignorance sometimes and wish God gives you some sound lessons and opens your eyes some or the other time. There has to be someone who would challenge you and put an end to your boastful bouts of self-praise and tell you boss, enough is enough, and I cannot bear you any longer.
Please introspect sometimes and give a thought, why I wrote this letter to you and what is that you really need to work on. Clear off your head which has stupid ideas about your self. Being confident is good, but being proud and haughty leaves you with nothing.
I am eagerly waiting for that time when even I can be happy like Ms. Rosy and move away from you forever. I would not like to meet you again in my life and I wish you lots of luck and wishes in your future endeavors of charming people and creating “good” impressions on them.
God spare me please!!!!!!!!
The Quest
They were just like parents to me.
My neighbours, the Nayak family..
Headed by Mr. Radhakrishna with his sweet, demure and coy wife, Yamini and their three sons, eldest being Ram, whom we fondly called dada, the second, Radhey and the youngest and the naughtiest, Varun.
They were my next door neighbours and I literally grew up with them and in front of their eyes. I will address them as kaka, kaku here. Kaka worked as an engineer in L & T and he was very sincere, intelligent and dedicated to his work and so in no time, he rose to a good position and people regarded him for what he was. He was originally from Karakal, a place in Karnataka and had a very big family, which constituted of 9 sisters and 1 brother and his parents. He took care of his family in the village too. He sent money every month as a help to his aged parents. All his sisters were married and the youngest brother was bachelor and he chose not to marry his entire life. So, he took care of his parents and also managed the day-to-day affairs in the village, while kaka was in the city working and managing his family.
Kaku had got married at an early age to kaka, she was barely 19. And their love story began soon after marriage as it happens in most of the arranged marriages. It seems her father was very fond of kaka from the beginning. Being a small village, people knew each other very well and were always in the search of a good family to marry off their daughters so that the daughters go in good families and also stay in front of their eyes. So, kaku tells me that she saw kaka only on the day of the wedding and she was very happy and had no complaints once their married life began.
They came to this city, where they settled in a chawl having 2 rooms and where the toilets were outside that time. Then as the family grew, kaka also started searching for a bigger place and that was the time when my grandfather had just built this building where we are currently put up and after keeping one flat for us, had given the others for ownership. Thus it happened that Nayaks and my family ended up sharing the same floor. We had one common wall, which brought our kitchen and their hall in close proximity. Not only the physical proximity, but the proximity of hearts was also to follow in the times to come and I never knew then that relations built with heart and love could be more powerful and ever-lasting than the blood ties.
Varun and I were of the same age, but I was great friends with his elder brother, Radhey, who was mischievous, but very helpful and daring and ever ready to play and explore different things. He was not very bright in studies, but managed somehow to get average marks and get to the next class. Ram Dada was very bright and he had high aspirations and was always busy in studies. Also that he was elder to us, he never mixed so much with us. Ours was a group, me, Varun, Radhey and Deepali who was staying in the house opposite to mine. Radhey was our leader and we did craziest things on earth and had a wonderful and joyful time then. Now when I think of it, I smile to myself and feel nostalgic about it. Wish I could capture those precious moments in a video camera and watch it all over when I missed my buddies. But then in absence of video camera, I have created memories in my head and that gives me a more vivid picture of the good times we spent together.
We played all the outdoor games like hide-and-seek, kabbadi, badminton, cricket and also indoor games like cards, housie etc. We celebrated all the festivals together. Diwali, Holi, Ganpati etc. were celebrated with great pomp and festivity. Radhey used to burst small crackers in his hand and prove that he is brave and is not afraid of anything or anyone. Varun was not so daring and he used to tell Radhey that if he didn’t stop all this daring acts, he would complaint to his mother. Radhey was never bothered of what people think about him and he often got scolded by kaku for not listening to her or for not having done homework or for scoring good marks in the school. He used to be serious for that moment when his mom was talking of studies and then the next moment he was his usual self, cracking jokes and teasing his mom and Varun. He loved his family a lot, though he never expressed it many times. He was the first person whom people in our building called out for help, to switch off the water machine or to open the lids of the bottles or for getting some medicines. He never said no to anyone and was always eager to reach out to people. He loved dressing up and giving different poses in front of the mirror. He was famous in his school and was always eager to do sports and skits and did not have the same inclination towards studies.
Kaku got very tensed thinking that he had no future like his other two brothers, but then that age is such that we hardly bother what is in store for us in the future and we tend to enjoy the days in a very carefree and careless manner. That is why we laugh so much as children and are still in touch with innocence and good nature. Kaka did not pay much attention to Radhey’s studies as he believed that he will get matured with time and age and kaku was already doing more than enough in taking care of the house and his kids.
Results were one thing which Radhey always dreaded. He did not fear anything else in this world, but that day, he would be so quiet and sober that someone would feel that he is not well or something is seriously wrong at their house. After returning from the school with the results, there was a pin-drop silence in their house for sometime and then Kaku used to start talking to Radhey in a fit of rage asking him for an explanation for his poor grades. This was because she did everything possible to help him in his studies. She helped him complete his notes, in case he missed them writing in school. He was mischievous in school too and he often did not pay much attention to what teachers taught. He often missed taking down the notes which were dictated or written on board. Then Kaku went to his friend's place and got his books to complete the stuff taught in school and then also helped him understand it and then complete the homework.
Those hours for Radhey were just unbearable and he used to sit with a long face with his mom and kid brother. I and Deepali often dropped in at their place at our usual hours of playing and then suddenly he used to get changed in a different person, all eager to go out in the open and play. And at that time, he was a very different Radhey, giving his best in the playground.
Days were passing by and we all were growing together, sharing joys and sorrows with each other. And as it usually happens, Deepali and I grew shy and detached from Varun and Radhey. We stopped interacting as before and playing with them and met each other occasionally in the corridor or on a week-end. Deepali moved to a different house and I was left alone without a friend. It is also true that I never found a friend later in my life that was as dear to me as her. Radhey and Varun are also irreplaceable. The bonds which one forms at the tender age are the most deep-rooted, I think. But then we can’t expect life to be same at all time. Time changes everything and everyone. This is the reality, one has to accept and move ahead with whatever one gets, isn’t it?
Radhey was still facing difficulties in studies. Way back in 90’s, I think that awareness of the learning difficulties which a child faced was not common and welcome. The parents and the society were very orthodox and believed that there was no other reason for the child for not studying, other than carelessness and interest only in playing and whiling away time. How I wish, there was someone who would have identified the real problems which Radhey faced at that time. As Ram dada had taken Science and then later Engineering, it was a sure fate for Radhey that he also had to take Science. In those days, there was hardly anything else which the parents and the children themselves thought of doing. Boys had to become engineers or doctors and girls had to take Arts or do some home-science course and get married, as if it was the only purpose of girls taking birth.
Radhey’s SSC results were not very great, but still as the trend and teaching goes, he also opted for Science. He did not get admission in a good college, but in his own school which also had classes till HSC. And there was a new struggle, new fight, new frustrations and new problems awaiting them all, which Radhey and his family were bound to face. He managed to scrap through the 11th class. Science is not doubt difficult for the bright students too and it was all the more difficult for Radhey. He faced a lot of difficulties in coping up with the new syllabus, subjects and teachers. But kaku was always with him, whenever he needed her help and she concentrated on his studies, health.
It is amazing to see a woman with so much of strength, will-power and courage, just for the sake of her children. Kaku never shunned her household responsibilities. She made the tastiest dishes for her children and for me too. She did all the chores herself, took care of the house and her children. She shared a close bond with me. She told me everything about her family, her mom, dad and the difficulties which they faced daily. I also told her everything that happened in my school, with my friends. She knew all my friends who came home and my friends knew who kaku was. It was a very unusual friendship. There was a gap of 28 years between us, but it was as if we were of the same emotional age. We laughed so much with each other, she lived her lost teen-age with me and I had found a friend in her who was elder to me, but very much like me, very emotional and very attached to family. We had common interests, Astrology, past life connections, music, writing, eating, human relationships and people. We spoke different languages, but love has no language. We were very happy with our respective families. How wished that we never moved away from each other and always be there for each other in all walks of life.
But things do not remain static. Change is the inevitable part of life. They say change is the only thing constant in life.
There came such an unexpected turn in our lives that it shook us all to the core and things were never the same for anyone of us.
It was 31st December. We all knew that Radhey could not clear his HSC exams in the first attempt. It is after the HSC results that one can decide whether one wants to go for engineering or medicine. And as he could not clear HSC in the first attempt that disturbed him and his family to such a extent that they grew reclusive and started avoiding other members in the building. They were perhaps shameful of the fact that Radhey was the black sheep of the family and in the family of engineers; he couldn't even crack the basic HSC exams. Kaku was disturbed and she got BP and was very worried about Radhey. Other two brothers will manage somehow; who will take care of Radhey is what she always thought. I talked to her many times, but had no words to comfort her as I was also seeing what all she was going through. I also saw Radhey struggling his way hard, but then some things are just not meant for us. Only if we all had realised that there was a different life also other than becoming an Engineer or a thinking of a different way of tackling this issue.
On that fateful day, I saw kaku going to Radhey’s college to get another form for HSC. Radhey asked her to go as it would be too late for filling the form and that he would lose another semester. This would be the third time, he would appear for it. This time, he would surely do it, we all thought. That day everything was quiet and low profiled. I went to check what Radhey was upto, he just saw me and went inside after saying that kaku has gone out. I also went back to studies on that afternoon.
At around 5 pm, when kaku came back, I heard her shouting loudly, calling Radhey's name. I rushed to her, frightened and concerned. She came out running and told me that Radhey has hanged himself to the ceiling fan and that he ditched her by telling her to go out so that he can end his life. I didn’t know what to do and what to say. My father rushed to their house. Kaka was incidentally out of town. Varun was in school, Ram dada in Belgaum for his studies, there was no one from her family at this unfortunate moment.
The people in the building along with my dad summoned doctor at home and doctor advised them to take Radhey to hospital. Some others called kaka and Ram dada and told them about the incident. Kaku was in a state of shock and was unable to comprehend things. She was just calling out Radhey's name and asking him the same question again and again, as to why did he do this and what was her and kaka's fault that he didn't think twice about them before taking this drastic step and ending his life in a flash of a second.
Doctors declared him dead after check-up and this was conveyed to the kaka on phone. He was on his way and it would take some hours before he arrived. The body had to undergo post-mortem as it was a suicide and also a police complaint was registered. In the meanwhile, kaka and Ram dada came home and went to the hospital for bringing his body. Kaka was utterly shattered. He suddenly looked very tired and old and his face reflected the sadness and pain. He couldn't even cry because he had to give moral support to kaku and his other two children. Ram dada and Varun were looking lost and didn’t know what exactly to say to their parents.
When the body was brought home, many people, family friends paid last homage to the body. Everybody had a question in their eyes, how on earth did Radhey, who was so happy-go-lucky and always ready to help people commit such an act? Radhey was not there anymore to answer this question which haunted his close ones all their lives. I lost a dear friend of mine. I was too small to comprehend what exactly was bothering him and how I would have been a help to him in reducing the stress and tensions in his studies.
The last rites were performed after 2 days of his death and the family left for their native place for doing the other rituals. Kaku was still in a daze and I knew it would take a long time for her to come out of this shock. Perhaps it would take a life-time or perhaps she never would. What more grief can come to parents that lighting the pyre of their child, whom they brought up in lot of hardships and tried to give him the best they could? Everybody was sad in the building and had their theories and views on this sudden death of Radhey. Some people were of the opinion, that he was under pressure and very afraid of his parents and so he thought of ending his life rather than listening to their remarks. Some people thought that it was destiny and he had a short-life and that is the reason, he left this world at the age of 19.
When kaku and kaka returned, it was very difficult to see their condition. Kaku cried almost daily and remembered him. She talked to him, asked him, what was their fault, why did he leave them in a lurch like this. Why didn’t he think once of his dad and mom, for whom he was important than his grades and marks. But Radhey was not there to answer her questions and he left with all the sadness and pain in his heart.
Kaku did not spare any astrologer asking him the reason for Radhey’s behaviour. Different astrologers gave her the same answer that he had only these many years which he could spend with them and that it was all a part of the larger game. Kaku tried to search his face in the crowd, thinking that someone like him would be born somewhere and would once come to her and tell her that he missed her and that he loves her and that he is sorry for whatever he did. But, that time hasn't come yet. She continues to still remember him everyday, leave alone his birthday and death anniversary. How true it is said by someone, that the person who dies, dies just once, but the people he leaves behind die everyday and burn themselves everyday in his remembrance and they grieve for him/her till they breathe their last.
17 years have passed now. Ram dada has two kids, Varun got married recently. Kaka and Kaku have moved to their native place now. That house where the family stayed is now occupied by Varun and his wife. Ram dada is in Bangalore now, working with a reputed firm. Kaka, kaku visit him often, but they are more comfortable with each other in their native place. They both were always emotionally dependent on each other from the beginning and looking at them always made me feel happy that arranged marriages also have so much of love and dedication, even after so many years of marriage. Kaku can’t imagine an existence without kaka and kaka can’t think of a day without her. They both still weep silently at their son's death, because they both want to comfort each other and be there for each other in a moment of despair and ill-health.
Meeting them after so many years in Bangalore yesterday revived all those memories and I couldn’t help writing about this friend of mine, whom I lost at an early age.
I have my own set of questions too..
I also wonder sometimes, would it have been different if there were counsellors to help Radhey in identifying his aptitude and then choose a course. Would talking to someone who understood him have made a difference and helped him refrain from taking such an extreme measure. Is it really destiny which shapes our life, no matter how much efforts we take? Is there something called re-birth? Will kaka, kaku ever get to talk to Radhey one last time and seek answers to all these questions which they have been carrying all these years? Will they ever get to live peacefully again in their life-time?
Just like kaka, kaku, my quest also continues…
Do you have some answer?
My neighbours, the Nayak family..
Headed by Mr. Radhakrishna with his sweet, demure and coy wife, Yamini and their three sons, eldest being Ram, whom we fondly called dada, the second, Radhey and the youngest and the naughtiest, Varun.
They were my next door neighbours and I literally grew up with them and in front of their eyes. I will address them as kaka, kaku here. Kaka worked as an engineer in L & T and he was very sincere, intelligent and dedicated to his work and so in no time, he rose to a good position and people regarded him for what he was. He was originally from Karakal, a place in Karnataka and had a very big family, which constituted of 9 sisters and 1 brother and his parents. He took care of his family in the village too. He sent money every month as a help to his aged parents. All his sisters were married and the youngest brother was bachelor and he chose not to marry his entire life. So, he took care of his parents and also managed the day-to-day affairs in the village, while kaka was in the city working and managing his family.
Kaku had got married at an early age to kaka, she was barely 19. And their love story began soon after marriage as it happens in most of the arranged marriages. It seems her father was very fond of kaka from the beginning. Being a small village, people knew each other very well and were always in the search of a good family to marry off their daughters so that the daughters go in good families and also stay in front of their eyes. So, kaku tells me that she saw kaka only on the day of the wedding and she was very happy and had no complaints once their married life began.
They came to this city, where they settled in a chawl having 2 rooms and where the toilets were outside that time. Then as the family grew, kaka also started searching for a bigger place and that was the time when my grandfather had just built this building where we are currently put up and after keeping one flat for us, had given the others for ownership. Thus it happened that Nayaks and my family ended up sharing the same floor. We had one common wall, which brought our kitchen and their hall in close proximity. Not only the physical proximity, but the proximity of hearts was also to follow in the times to come and I never knew then that relations built with heart and love could be more powerful and ever-lasting than the blood ties.
Varun and I were of the same age, but I was great friends with his elder brother, Radhey, who was mischievous, but very helpful and daring and ever ready to play and explore different things. He was not very bright in studies, but managed somehow to get average marks and get to the next class. Ram Dada was very bright and he had high aspirations and was always busy in studies. Also that he was elder to us, he never mixed so much with us. Ours was a group, me, Varun, Radhey and Deepali who was staying in the house opposite to mine. Radhey was our leader and we did craziest things on earth and had a wonderful and joyful time then. Now when I think of it, I smile to myself and feel nostalgic about it. Wish I could capture those precious moments in a video camera and watch it all over when I missed my buddies. But then in absence of video camera, I have created memories in my head and that gives me a more vivid picture of the good times we spent together.
We played all the outdoor games like hide-and-seek, kabbadi, badminton, cricket and also indoor games like cards, housie etc. We celebrated all the festivals together. Diwali, Holi, Ganpati etc. were celebrated with great pomp and festivity. Radhey used to burst small crackers in his hand and prove that he is brave and is not afraid of anything or anyone. Varun was not so daring and he used to tell Radhey that if he didn’t stop all this daring acts, he would complaint to his mother. Radhey was never bothered of what people think about him and he often got scolded by kaku for not listening to her or for not having done homework or for scoring good marks in the school. He used to be serious for that moment when his mom was talking of studies and then the next moment he was his usual self, cracking jokes and teasing his mom and Varun. He loved his family a lot, though he never expressed it many times. He was the first person whom people in our building called out for help, to switch off the water machine or to open the lids of the bottles or for getting some medicines. He never said no to anyone and was always eager to reach out to people. He loved dressing up and giving different poses in front of the mirror. He was famous in his school and was always eager to do sports and skits and did not have the same inclination towards studies.
Kaku got very tensed thinking that he had no future like his other two brothers, but then that age is such that we hardly bother what is in store for us in the future and we tend to enjoy the days in a very carefree and careless manner. That is why we laugh so much as children and are still in touch with innocence and good nature. Kaka did not pay much attention to Radhey’s studies as he believed that he will get matured with time and age and kaku was already doing more than enough in taking care of the house and his kids.
Results were one thing which Radhey always dreaded. He did not fear anything else in this world, but that day, he would be so quiet and sober that someone would feel that he is not well or something is seriously wrong at their house. After returning from the school with the results, there was a pin-drop silence in their house for sometime and then Kaku used to start talking to Radhey in a fit of rage asking him for an explanation for his poor grades. This was because she did everything possible to help him in his studies. She helped him complete his notes, in case he missed them writing in school. He was mischievous in school too and he often did not pay much attention to what teachers taught. He often missed taking down the notes which were dictated or written on board. Then Kaku went to his friend's place and got his books to complete the stuff taught in school and then also helped him understand it and then complete the homework.
Those hours for Radhey were just unbearable and he used to sit with a long face with his mom and kid brother. I and Deepali often dropped in at their place at our usual hours of playing and then suddenly he used to get changed in a different person, all eager to go out in the open and play. And at that time, he was a very different Radhey, giving his best in the playground.
Days were passing by and we all were growing together, sharing joys and sorrows with each other. And as it usually happens, Deepali and I grew shy and detached from Varun and Radhey. We stopped interacting as before and playing with them and met each other occasionally in the corridor or on a week-end. Deepali moved to a different house and I was left alone without a friend. It is also true that I never found a friend later in my life that was as dear to me as her. Radhey and Varun are also irreplaceable. The bonds which one forms at the tender age are the most deep-rooted, I think. But then we can’t expect life to be same at all time. Time changes everything and everyone. This is the reality, one has to accept and move ahead with whatever one gets, isn’t it?
Radhey was still facing difficulties in studies. Way back in 90’s, I think that awareness of the learning difficulties which a child faced was not common and welcome. The parents and the society were very orthodox and believed that there was no other reason for the child for not studying, other than carelessness and interest only in playing and whiling away time. How I wish, there was someone who would have identified the real problems which Radhey faced at that time. As Ram dada had taken Science and then later Engineering, it was a sure fate for Radhey that he also had to take Science. In those days, there was hardly anything else which the parents and the children themselves thought of doing. Boys had to become engineers or doctors and girls had to take Arts or do some home-science course and get married, as if it was the only purpose of girls taking birth.
Radhey’s SSC results were not very great, but still as the trend and teaching goes, he also opted for Science. He did not get admission in a good college, but in his own school which also had classes till HSC. And there was a new struggle, new fight, new frustrations and new problems awaiting them all, which Radhey and his family were bound to face. He managed to scrap through the 11th class. Science is not doubt difficult for the bright students too and it was all the more difficult for Radhey. He faced a lot of difficulties in coping up with the new syllabus, subjects and teachers. But kaku was always with him, whenever he needed her help and she concentrated on his studies, health.
It is amazing to see a woman with so much of strength, will-power and courage, just for the sake of her children. Kaku never shunned her household responsibilities. She made the tastiest dishes for her children and for me too. She did all the chores herself, took care of the house and her children. She shared a close bond with me. She told me everything about her family, her mom, dad and the difficulties which they faced daily. I also told her everything that happened in my school, with my friends. She knew all my friends who came home and my friends knew who kaku was. It was a very unusual friendship. There was a gap of 28 years between us, but it was as if we were of the same emotional age. We laughed so much with each other, she lived her lost teen-age with me and I had found a friend in her who was elder to me, but very much like me, very emotional and very attached to family. We had common interests, Astrology, past life connections, music, writing, eating, human relationships and people. We spoke different languages, but love has no language. We were very happy with our respective families. How wished that we never moved away from each other and always be there for each other in all walks of life.
But things do not remain static. Change is the inevitable part of life. They say change is the only thing constant in life.
There came such an unexpected turn in our lives that it shook us all to the core and things were never the same for anyone of us.
It was 31st December. We all knew that Radhey could not clear his HSC exams in the first attempt. It is after the HSC results that one can decide whether one wants to go for engineering or medicine. And as he could not clear HSC in the first attempt that disturbed him and his family to such a extent that they grew reclusive and started avoiding other members in the building. They were perhaps shameful of the fact that Radhey was the black sheep of the family and in the family of engineers; he couldn't even crack the basic HSC exams. Kaku was disturbed and she got BP and was very worried about Radhey. Other two brothers will manage somehow; who will take care of Radhey is what she always thought. I talked to her many times, but had no words to comfort her as I was also seeing what all she was going through. I also saw Radhey struggling his way hard, but then some things are just not meant for us. Only if we all had realised that there was a different life also other than becoming an Engineer or a thinking of a different way of tackling this issue.
On that fateful day, I saw kaku going to Radhey’s college to get another form for HSC. Radhey asked her to go as it would be too late for filling the form and that he would lose another semester. This would be the third time, he would appear for it. This time, he would surely do it, we all thought. That day everything was quiet and low profiled. I went to check what Radhey was upto, he just saw me and went inside after saying that kaku has gone out. I also went back to studies on that afternoon.
At around 5 pm, when kaku came back, I heard her shouting loudly, calling Radhey's name. I rushed to her, frightened and concerned. She came out running and told me that Radhey has hanged himself to the ceiling fan and that he ditched her by telling her to go out so that he can end his life. I didn’t know what to do and what to say. My father rushed to their house. Kaka was incidentally out of town. Varun was in school, Ram dada in Belgaum for his studies, there was no one from her family at this unfortunate moment.
The people in the building along with my dad summoned doctor at home and doctor advised them to take Radhey to hospital. Some others called kaka and Ram dada and told them about the incident. Kaku was in a state of shock and was unable to comprehend things. She was just calling out Radhey's name and asking him the same question again and again, as to why did he do this and what was her and kaka's fault that he didn't think twice about them before taking this drastic step and ending his life in a flash of a second.
Doctors declared him dead after check-up and this was conveyed to the kaka on phone. He was on his way and it would take some hours before he arrived. The body had to undergo post-mortem as it was a suicide and also a police complaint was registered. In the meanwhile, kaka and Ram dada came home and went to the hospital for bringing his body. Kaka was utterly shattered. He suddenly looked very tired and old and his face reflected the sadness and pain. He couldn't even cry because he had to give moral support to kaku and his other two children. Ram dada and Varun were looking lost and didn’t know what exactly to say to their parents.
When the body was brought home, many people, family friends paid last homage to the body. Everybody had a question in their eyes, how on earth did Radhey, who was so happy-go-lucky and always ready to help people commit such an act? Radhey was not there anymore to answer this question which haunted his close ones all their lives. I lost a dear friend of mine. I was too small to comprehend what exactly was bothering him and how I would have been a help to him in reducing the stress and tensions in his studies.
The last rites were performed after 2 days of his death and the family left for their native place for doing the other rituals. Kaku was still in a daze and I knew it would take a long time for her to come out of this shock. Perhaps it would take a life-time or perhaps she never would. What more grief can come to parents that lighting the pyre of their child, whom they brought up in lot of hardships and tried to give him the best they could? Everybody was sad in the building and had their theories and views on this sudden death of Radhey. Some people were of the opinion, that he was under pressure and very afraid of his parents and so he thought of ending his life rather than listening to their remarks. Some people thought that it was destiny and he had a short-life and that is the reason, he left this world at the age of 19.
When kaku and kaka returned, it was very difficult to see their condition. Kaku cried almost daily and remembered him. She talked to him, asked him, what was their fault, why did he leave them in a lurch like this. Why didn’t he think once of his dad and mom, for whom he was important than his grades and marks. But Radhey was not there to answer her questions and he left with all the sadness and pain in his heart.
Kaku did not spare any astrologer asking him the reason for Radhey’s behaviour. Different astrologers gave her the same answer that he had only these many years which he could spend with them and that it was all a part of the larger game. Kaku tried to search his face in the crowd, thinking that someone like him would be born somewhere and would once come to her and tell her that he missed her and that he loves her and that he is sorry for whatever he did. But, that time hasn't come yet. She continues to still remember him everyday, leave alone his birthday and death anniversary. How true it is said by someone, that the person who dies, dies just once, but the people he leaves behind die everyday and burn themselves everyday in his remembrance and they grieve for him/her till they breathe their last.
17 years have passed now. Ram dada has two kids, Varun got married recently. Kaka and Kaku have moved to their native place now. That house where the family stayed is now occupied by Varun and his wife. Ram dada is in Bangalore now, working with a reputed firm. Kaka, kaku visit him often, but they are more comfortable with each other in their native place. They both were always emotionally dependent on each other from the beginning and looking at them always made me feel happy that arranged marriages also have so much of love and dedication, even after so many years of marriage. Kaku can’t imagine an existence without kaka and kaka can’t think of a day without her. They both still weep silently at their son's death, because they both want to comfort each other and be there for each other in a moment of despair and ill-health.
Meeting them after so many years in Bangalore yesterday revived all those memories and I couldn’t help writing about this friend of mine, whom I lost at an early age.
I have my own set of questions too..
I also wonder sometimes, would it have been different if there were counsellors to help Radhey in identifying his aptitude and then choose a course. Would talking to someone who understood him have made a difference and helped him refrain from taking such an extreme measure. Is it really destiny which shapes our life, no matter how much efforts we take? Is there something called re-birth? Will kaka, kaku ever get to talk to Radhey one last time and seek answers to all these questions which they have been carrying all these years? Will they ever get to live peacefully again in their life-time?
Just like kaka, kaku, my quest also continues…
Do you have some answer?
Stranded
I was so proud of my Samsung Star mobile cell until last Monday!
It had a touch screen and an MP3 and a 3.2 Megapixel camera and I had put an additional memory card which gave me access to the world of music where I had about 180 songs in the MP3 format. It looked so sexy with its white metal body and a slot for the stylus to settle in cozily. I used to listen to my favorite German, Marathi, English, Spanish numbers again and again and I had created a world of my own where no one else was allowed to enter. Music takes me to another plane altogether and I like to laze there for hours and hours. My mom often told me not to plug the earphones and listen to songs for hours together as that reduces the hearing capacity. She believes that I will soon become deaf and she often cribs how this generation is going to be deaf at an early age of 35 yrs. I sometimes listen to her and sometimes turn a deaf ear to her pleas and listened to music sometimes!
But all this bliss of mine ended when I was unable to navigate into the menu of my cell after receiving an SMS from one friend of mine on a Monday morning. I spent around half an hour shutting it down and restarting it but in vain. The competency of my cell was now reduced to only incoming and making calls to the last received call. Slowly about 25 messages were visible on the screen and I couldn’t open a single SMS and read them. I had to ask some friends on mail regarding the context of the SMS and check with them if I missed something important. I was beginning to feel frustrated and it was becoming increasingly difficult as I was carrying a mobile phone, but was not able to use it. I was waiting patiently for the weekend when I could go to the service center and get it repaired.
My hubby was constantly teasing me on how lost I must be feeling for not being stuck on the cell phone all the time. According to him, I talk a lot on the phone and waste my energy and time. If I would have spent my energy on something “better” according to him would have taken me somewhere else is what he believes. Who knows, talking to people I love makes me feel connected to them and that is like a fuel to my engine of life. I can’t think of sitting quietly in a room with my best friend Sudhir, Koustubh, Milind, or my mother-in-law or mom. As I hardly meet all these people in person now, I talk to them on and off on phone. But, my reticent husband does not understand this and I do not get into it too. I just nod and say yes, you are right. This solves half of the arguments even before starting them, isn’t it?
With the shock of my cell phone has lost its ability to make calls, I got another jerk and realized while having gone for shopping that my debit card is not in its usual place where it sits gracefully amongst the other cards. I searched for it frantically in all places in my usual purse, at home, in other purses, but no it vanished as if it had wings and it could fly. I immediately blocked it and checked the balance. Thankfully, it was not as bad as I had expected. All the figures were intact and I could see some sunshine in the dark and rainy clouds. I then figured out that I had left it in the office ATM when I had gone there to withdraw the change for giving it to the cab driver. After that, I do not seem to have bothered about the card unless I went shopping the other day. How forgetful of me! This happened to me for the first time in 9 years of my debit card handling. And I was so confident that I could handle everything very smoothly. But there are certain situations, which help you to introspect and clear off your airs about your self-image.
The timing was perfect.
I wanted to enroll for Kannada classes
I wanted to pay the fees for aerobics
I wanted to go to the parlor to get a facial done.
And I had no cell phone to make calls, inquire and fix an appointment and I had no debit card to withdraw money to do the above-mentioned things.
Temporarily, my dear husband offered to become my financer until I got myself a new card! I was thrilled at this idea and started making plans on how to loot him and how should I make the most of this very uncommon chance. But then my initial enthusiasm got thinner and thinner and vanished in no time. He gave me money, which was enough for the week, rather more than enough for the week, but then I just couldn’t ask for money for other things which I was wanting to do. Why did this happen?
This set me thinking.
If at all, I was to sit at home and take care of my future kids, how would life be? My husband would give all the necessary monetary support to me, but then how comfortable would I be to ask him money all the time for small things? Financial independence is such a great boon, I thought. Being in a position to buy all the material things which would give you happiness makes you feel like a king of your life. But then where are the dependency and the belongingness which stems from this dependency between husband and wife? In earlier times, money was not a very important factor and the home-maker wife was so happy managing the house with whatever little her husband gave her for the monthly chores. But then the needs were also less and so was the desire to own material objects and showcase them. A small, cozy home, enough for the couple, their parents, and their children housed so many relatives and occasions throughout the year. There was so much fun and joy to celebrate festivals together, laugh, and talk together. Money was hardly a matter of concern in those days. But then nuclear families paved the way for the breakdown of joint families and the whole scene changed and everybody slowly become secluded and confined to their own happiness and joy and immediate family.
This temporary dependence on my husband taught me a few valuable lessons, which I would have learned a harder way than this.
It taught me to control my expenses and desires to hoard things every week. With my money, I had collected so many things which I hardly used. I had so many books, which I had hardly read. I decided to give them away to the library, at least someone else would read them. I had so many bags and accessories, which I gave away to my maid’s daughter. I concentrated more on the home-front, cleaned up my shelf, cupboards, and kitchen. I had a strange feeling of suddenly becoming a homemaker who carefully and meticulously plans the budget and other stuff of her home. I started wondering, how would it be if I choose to become a homemaker too? It wouldn’t be a bad idea as long as I enjoy doing what I like.
And the absence of my cell made me empty-handed and less pre-occupied. All the time, I would be hooked to the cell, either reading an SMS or making a call or listening to music.
Why should I be available to the world 24/7? Do I have no privacy, no time to call my own? Shouldn’t I be having a dialogue with myself rather than talking unimportant things to some tom, dick and harry? Where was the time to take care of my hobbies or other intrinsic things which would give me inner peace and happiness? I hardly read or write anything these days. I had kind of got off track in my office-home-office routine. So, now with this temporary dependency, I won my freedom and time to do things which would give me some breathing space and give me the energy to do more things in a better way.
You all must have been surprised by the title of this write-up, “Stranded”, isn’t it? Being stranded enables you to realize your true potentials and gives you a different vision to tackle things and face the problem. So, having lost my debit card and connectivity to the outside world, I actually felt better than I had expected. Those who have a positive frame of mind would always look at such an opportunity to try out something different and those with a negative frame of mind would sob, fret and curse and say, “why me”?
So, instead of asking the question, why me, Why I had to lose my debit card and why my cell conked off, I took it as a chance to bond with my hubby, my books, my writing and yes, I spent less and bought things which were essential and not the ones which were desirable.
What would you do, had you being stranded, just like me?
It had a touch screen and an MP3 and a 3.2 Megapixel camera and I had put an additional memory card which gave me access to the world of music where I had about 180 songs in the MP3 format. It looked so sexy with its white metal body and a slot for the stylus to settle in cozily. I used to listen to my favorite German, Marathi, English, Spanish numbers again and again and I had created a world of my own where no one else was allowed to enter. Music takes me to another plane altogether and I like to laze there for hours and hours. My mom often told me not to plug the earphones and listen to songs for hours together as that reduces the hearing capacity. She believes that I will soon become deaf and she often cribs how this generation is going to be deaf at an early age of 35 yrs. I sometimes listen to her and sometimes turn a deaf ear to her pleas and listened to music sometimes!
But all this bliss of mine ended when I was unable to navigate into the menu of my cell after receiving an SMS from one friend of mine on a Monday morning. I spent around half an hour shutting it down and restarting it but in vain. The competency of my cell was now reduced to only incoming and making calls to the last received call. Slowly about 25 messages were visible on the screen and I couldn’t open a single SMS and read them. I had to ask some friends on mail regarding the context of the SMS and check with them if I missed something important. I was beginning to feel frustrated and it was becoming increasingly difficult as I was carrying a mobile phone, but was not able to use it. I was waiting patiently for the weekend when I could go to the service center and get it repaired.
My hubby was constantly teasing me on how lost I must be feeling for not being stuck on the cell phone all the time. According to him, I talk a lot on the phone and waste my energy and time. If I would have spent my energy on something “better” according to him would have taken me somewhere else is what he believes. Who knows, talking to people I love makes me feel connected to them and that is like a fuel to my engine of life. I can’t think of sitting quietly in a room with my best friend Sudhir, Koustubh, Milind, or my mother-in-law or mom. As I hardly meet all these people in person now, I talk to them on and off on phone. But, my reticent husband does not understand this and I do not get into it too. I just nod and say yes, you are right. This solves half of the arguments even before starting them, isn’t it?
With the shock of my cell phone has lost its ability to make calls, I got another jerk and realized while having gone for shopping that my debit card is not in its usual place where it sits gracefully amongst the other cards. I searched for it frantically in all places in my usual purse, at home, in other purses, but no it vanished as if it had wings and it could fly. I immediately blocked it and checked the balance. Thankfully, it was not as bad as I had expected. All the figures were intact and I could see some sunshine in the dark and rainy clouds. I then figured out that I had left it in the office ATM when I had gone there to withdraw the change for giving it to the cab driver. After that, I do not seem to have bothered about the card unless I went shopping the other day. How forgetful of me! This happened to me for the first time in 9 years of my debit card handling. And I was so confident that I could handle everything very smoothly. But there are certain situations, which help you to introspect and clear off your airs about your self-image.
The timing was perfect.
I wanted to enroll for Kannada classes
I wanted to pay the fees for aerobics
I wanted to go to the parlor to get a facial done.
And I had no cell phone to make calls, inquire and fix an appointment and I had no debit card to withdraw money to do the above-mentioned things.
Temporarily, my dear husband offered to become my financer until I got myself a new card! I was thrilled at this idea and started making plans on how to loot him and how should I make the most of this very uncommon chance. But then my initial enthusiasm got thinner and thinner and vanished in no time. He gave me money, which was enough for the week, rather more than enough for the week, but then I just couldn’t ask for money for other things which I was wanting to do. Why did this happen?
This set me thinking.
If at all, I was to sit at home and take care of my future kids, how would life be? My husband would give all the necessary monetary support to me, but then how comfortable would I be to ask him money all the time for small things? Financial independence is such a great boon, I thought. Being in a position to buy all the material things which would give you happiness makes you feel like a king of your life. But then where are the dependency and the belongingness which stems from this dependency between husband and wife? In earlier times, money was not a very important factor and the home-maker wife was so happy managing the house with whatever little her husband gave her for the monthly chores. But then the needs were also less and so was the desire to own material objects and showcase them. A small, cozy home, enough for the couple, their parents, and their children housed so many relatives and occasions throughout the year. There was so much fun and joy to celebrate festivals together, laugh, and talk together. Money was hardly a matter of concern in those days. But then nuclear families paved the way for the breakdown of joint families and the whole scene changed and everybody slowly become secluded and confined to their own happiness and joy and immediate family.
This temporary dependence on my husband taught me a few valuable lessons, which I would have learned a harder way than this.
It taught me to control my expenses and desires to hoard things every week. With my money, I had collected so many things which I hardly used. I had so many books, which I had hardly read. I decided to give them away to the library, at least someone else would read them. I had so many bags and accessories, which I gave away to my maid’s daughter. I concentrated more on the home-front, cleaned up my shelf, cupboards, and kitchen. I had a strange feeling of suddenly becoming a homemaker who carefully and meticulously plans the budget and other stuff of her home. I started wondering, how would it be if I choose to become a homemaker too? It wouldn’t be a bad idea as long as I enjoy doing what I like.
And the absence of my cell made me empty-handed and less pre-occupied. All the time, I would be hooked to the cell, either reading an SMS or making a call or listening to music.
Why should I be available to the world 24/7? Do I have no privacy, no time to call my own? Shouldn’t I be having a dialogue with myself rather than talking unimportant things to some tom, dick and harry? Where was the time to take care of my hobbies or other intrinsic things which would give me inner peace and happiness? I hardly read or write anything these days. I had kind of got off track in my office-home-office routine. So, now with this temporary dependency, I won my freedom and time to do things which would give me some breathing space and give me the energy to do more things in a better way.
You all must have been surprised by the title of this write-up, “Stranded”, isn’t it? Being stranded enables you to realize your true potentials and gives you a different vision to tackle things and face the problem. So, having lost my debit card and connectivity to the outside world, I actually felt better than I had expected. Those who have a positive frame of mind would always look at such an opportunity to try out something different and those with a negative frame of mind would sob, fret and curse and say, “why me”?
So, instead of asking the question, why me, Why I had to lose my debit card and why my cell conked off, I took it as a chance to bond with my hubby, my books, my writing and yes, I spent less and bought things which were essential and not the ones which were desirable.
What would you do, had you being stranded, just like me?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)