To be or not to be

When Shakespeare wrote this quotation in his famous play, Hamlet, he wouldn’t have imagined that time and again this historic quotation of his would be repeated by one and all in many occasions at many times. Yet again, I take the help of that famous quotation to depict my state of mind in the recent 2-3 days.

Every year around this time of the month, the atmosphere in office is usually filled with lot of anticipations, anxieties, bouts of nervousness and sometimes happiness too. This is that time when the annual appraisal takes place and we get to know the ratings based on our performance during the year. My company follows the September to August cycle unlike many other MNCs. So, towards the end of August, there is lot of discussion which happens in almost every bay and people are patiently waiting for their turns when the manager calls upon them and tells them the rating, which the senior management has evaluated in their own way against so many parameters. The rating is generally fixed much earlier, only that it is communicated to us now.

I also took turn to know the rating and yes, I was also promoted to the next level…

I had so many ideas in my head about the rating and the promotion. I was jumping in joy (all in mind, office requires certain etiquettes, doesn’t it) at the very thought of promotion. I have seen people, who had less experience and knowledge than me climb the ladders of success in office, reasons, whatever. I was expecting a promotion due to my performance and other initiatives and being flexible and open to all the critical deadlines. At least, I thought so…

After waiting impatiently for 2 days, my manager finally called me and told me my rating first and there went my bubbled balloon. Burst!!!! I was compared with other Developers inspite of being a translator and even my manager knew that it is not fair. But company policies are such that one has to follow them, no matter whether they really make sense or are good for the employees. I was also told by my manager that I am a better performer than what my rating denotes and that he was very happy with my current trend of performance. He added a few improvement areas that I need to be visible and outspoken in my work. I had thought all this while that my work will speak for itself and that I need not shout it aloud to others sounding as if only I am working in this whole universe. I need to let other people know, it seems, that I am working so much per day and giving so and so output and that I am very much a part of this thing and that thing too, other than just putting 9 hrs into work.

I found this very funny. For people like me, who believe that we come to office for putting sincere efforts in our work and not to while time and that being serious and sincere in work life takes us a long way, this was a great blow. I ought to be visible to my seniors in what way? Dabble with everything and everyone in the project and let them know that look, I am here too and I need attention too. Please give me attention and your time as I am very special human being on this earth.

No, I do no think I can ever do that. I can never act like my senior who does everything else, but work. She is into client meetings, with high profile management people, who hardly know her to the core, who is utter clumsy and forgetful in her work, who needs help of someone else in every thing she does. But, yes, she is undoubtedly the attention seeking queen, who creates a very good impression on one and everybody she meets with her sweet and sugary talks. Sometimes, I feel that I ought to learn something from people like her and then even I would be in the limelight for wrong reasons.

But! There is something called “inner voice”, isn’t it? My conscience doesn’t permit me this, nor my values and upbringing and that is the reason perhaps that I am far far behind my peers, who have been aggressive and have become managers in a short span of time. But I am happy with whatever I am today, at least at the end of the day, I come back home satisfied with whatever work I do. I can have a good night sleep without any nightmares of something which I messed up.

And I almost forget in all this rating thing that my manager had also told me that I have promoted and have moved to the next level?

But I did not jump in joy on hearing that. I could not feel any sense of exhilaration in me. I couldn’t feel myself floating like a cloud in the skies. My mood was already off by listening that even I have the usual rating which 80 % of the public might have got. All my close friends congratulated me. For them getting promoted was far more important than getting a decent rating. That is the usual way to look at it and because they loved me and wanted to cheer me up; they said all these things, isn't it?

I did not know whether to be happy because I got promoted or feel bad about the fact that all the things which I did all this year were not good enough to get a better rating and that I need to put in more efforts. What more can a translator actually does when he/she is not even mapped to a common umbrella called capability, where we would be rated against other translators and not developers or testers.

So the question still haunts me,

to be happy or not to be..

to be satisfied with whatever I got or strive for more which I am not sure if I will get inspite of good work..

to be thankful to God for whatever he gave me or complain to him that he is not always fair to me in many aspects…

to enjoy the promotion and count my blessings and the good wishes of all those who love me or fret and fume and spoil the joy of getting promoted..

So, I chose to adopt the first option. I pat my back for getting promoted, treated myself with Café Frappe in CCD. Moving one level up is also one achievement of it’s kind and in a span of less than 3 yrs at work, it is a very good going! One should learn to accept whatever comes their way and take it into his/her stride.

I am going to celebrate this happy moment in my life by going out for dinner with my hubby and a bunch of close friends.

Wanna join?